Therapy is Good for You
by Nocturnalux
Summary: Izaya convinces Namie to attend couples therapy with him. Hilarity follows as the therapist struggles to understand the trippy dynamic between the two. Stalker Izaya with an inflated ego and standoffish Namie with plenty of crack.
1. Chapter 1

**Pairing:** Izaya/Namie

**Prompt:** Izaya/Namie couple's therapy

* * *

><p>"Because therapy is good for you!"<br>Yagiri Namie's eyebrow twitched. Izaya had noticed that it was always the left one and that it always meant trouble.  
>"I do not see the point."<br>"Like I said, it's a chance of talking about our relationship and improving on it. As humans we are part of a social species and as such we must work on our communication."  
>Izaya smiled as neutrally as he could. Namie was not even remotely convinced.<br>"I am busy. I have many things to attend to-"  
>"No worries, as your boss I am, how should I put this, greatly encouraging you to attend these therapy sessions with me."<br>"If you want to order me then say so."  
>"'Ordering' is such harsh language. Words carry a history, I am merely giving you a strong encouragement. It counts as work, too, so you'll be getting paid and all. How bad can it be, really?"<p>

"Welcome, Orihara-san, Yagiri-san. Please take a seat."  
>The therapist could tell that these two would prove a hard case. The guy was all smiles in a rather disturbing way that reminded him a bit of hyenas and the girl shot darts from her stony stare and looked ready to claw someone's eyes out.<br>"We finally decided to try some therapy."  
>"I see. So, are you a couple?"<br>"Yes."  
>"NO."<br>The therapist blinked. Apparently the woman disagreed with the status of 'couple'. He checked the file, leafing it slowly. This part was most for show but most prospective patients were impressed by paperwork.  
>"But you do work together?"<br>"I am Namie's employer."  
>"That's 'Yagiri-san'."<br>Izaya sighed heavily as if he was greatly grieved. The therapist decided that these two had to been sleeping together. Otherwise she would be too afraid of being fired to be so snappy.  
>"See what I mean, doctor?"<br>"We'll start by developing what I like to call an 'open dialogue and cooperation'. Yagiri-san, I will ask you to describe Orihara-san in five adjectives. I'll write them on this board."  
>Namie was reminded of grade school and she just happened to hate that period of her life. Being surrounded by idiots took its toll.<br>"Childish, perverted, sadistic, irresponsible, manipulative."  
>"Orihara-san, your turn."<br>"Sexy, intelligent, demanding, unforgiving, snarky."  
>The therapist finished writing.<br>"On the right column we have 'Positive' adjectives, in the left column we have 'Negative' adjectives. When you say 'childish', do you mean with child-like joy?"  
>"No, I mean it in the same way children use magnifying lenses to burn up ants."<br>"Hey! I never did that! You're the one into that kind of thing."  
>"Only for scientific purposes."<br>The therapist coughed.  
>"As you can see there is a schism here. Yagiri-san qualified Orihara-san with negative adjectives while Orihara-san qualified Yagiri-san with some positive terms."<br>Namie lifted and eyebrow and folded her arms.  
>"I don't agree with this classification. Why is 'demanding' in the 'Negative' category and 'sexy' in the 'Positive' one?"<br>The therapist had heard many a things in his career but this was new.  
>"Either way there's no demanding that you're sexy. I keep telling you to wear shorter skirts but-"<br>"You better watch what you say, Izaya. You're this close to sexual harassment."  
>"So you are on given name basis? Good, that is a first step."<br>"As I said, we are _not_ a couple."  
>"Namie, if we're not a couple then what are we? We sleep together fairly frequently."<br>"I am clearly being exploited to serve your sick needs."  
>"As if anyone could exploit you! Don't try to pin it all on me, it takes two to tango."<br>"Use proper language."  
>"Okay, it takes two to have sex. Doc, we also have to work on our sex life."<br>Apparently the therapist was either losing status in Izaya's mind or it was a matter of being more familiar to ease the stress of the whole affair. The therapist was unsure.  
>"'We'? You make it seem as if I was not dragged here against my will."<br>"I simply encouraged you-"  
>"Let us get back to basics, shall we? How long have you known each other?"<br>"A few years."  
>"And how did you meet?"<br>These tended to be safe areas that were best tackled first. That and the therapist was not looking forward to the insanity that he was sure would follow and wanted to stall as much as possible.


	2. Chapter 2

Izaya was in a reminiscing mood, complete with dreamy eyes.  
>"I met the beautiful Namie on a rainy afternoon. She was wearing a black knee high skirt, a white blouse, high heels shoes and a deep green raincoat. I already knew about her, of course. After all I am Orihara Izaya, informant extraordinaire. I am in the know and have connections all over Tokyo so I have in-depth knowledge on all important players. One can say that I am-"<br>"Orihara-san, this isn't about you now."  
>"You can add 'egocentric' to the list."<br>"I just have a healthy self-esteem."  
>"Back to how you two met, please."<br>"I booked a meeting with Namie at the company she was struggling to run at the time. But of course she turned it down. So I waited for her in front of the building and late in the night she finally walked out. She stood under the streetlights to open her umbrella, I offered her mine instead. Our eyes locked and I knew that we belonged together."  
>"You're leaving out the part about how you stalked me before that. Don't think I don't know how you parked in the building opposite and spied on me with your binnacles."<br>Izaya shrugged.  
>"What can I say, when I am interested in someone I want to know about them. That was merely my way of learning more about you."<br>"That was your way of being a perverted stalker."  
>The therapist could see the need for therapy here. In fact, it might be more than therapy could handle.<br>"So unfair of you, Namie. Anyway, I introduced myself and was very happy that she knew about me."  
>"Of course I did. You're famous in Ikebukuro and beyond for being a sly power player with no scruple."<br>"Why, thank you kindly."  
>Namie narrowed her eyes as Izaya bowed.<br>"I don't mean that as a compliment."  
>The therapist coughed again to break the incoming argument.<br>"Yagiri-san, why don't you tell us how it was for you when you met Orihara-san?"  
>"Oh, can I get some popcorn?"<br>"It's as he said for the most part but I don't remember any 'gazing into each other's eyes'. Izaya is making it seem as if it was a momentous occasion. It's the way he is, lying more often than not."  
>Izaya gasped loudly as if he was deeply shocked.<br>"Yagiri-san what kind of work do you do for Orihara-san?"  
>"My job description comprises many tasks but basically I have to make sure to clean up his mess for him."<br>"So you do domestic work?"  
>Izaya whistled.<br>"You're screwed now, doc."  
>"I do not do domestic work. My competences are in the field of damage control, data processing and above all chemistry."<br>"What can I say, intelligence is hot."  
>Izya smiled happily with a glint of malice. The therapist wondered if he had a death wish.<br>"I see. I apologize for the misunderstanding."  
>"Do I look like a housewife?"<br>"Ah, Namie, as much as I appreciate your brilliant mind I have to admit that if you were to welcome me back every night wearing a pink apron and nothing else I would not at all complain."  
>Namie tossed her hair in a gesture of irritation.<br>"You have a warped idea of what domestic work is. I'm not fond of wasting time in such menial tasks but domestic tasks do not include catering to your twisted ideas."  
>"Do you two live together?"<br>"Ah, I'm afraid not. At times Namie stays over and we do a lot of work from my place but alas, we don't live under the same roof, unfortunately."  
>Izaya sighed anew, shoulders slumping in dejection. Namie was not even remotely convinced.<br>"Who would want to live with you? And besides, I have to be there for Seiji."  
>"Seiji is…?"<br>"My younger brother."  
>"And a rather meddlesome individual."<br>"Watch what you say, Izaya."  
>The therapist jutted a few notes.<br>"I detect some tension on this issue."  
>"Indeed you do, doc. My ego suffers from always coming second, Seiji gets all of Namie's affection."<br>"I fail to see what is wrong in curbing your megalomania as it is."  
>"Orihara-san, can you tell us why you feel that there is the problem with Seiji-kun?"<br>"I'm not too sure where I should start if I am honest."  
>"As if you were ever honest."<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

"My point is, you are a bit biased when it comes to your brother. And he always comes first. Remember last Valentine's? I had a perfect date planned: dinner in Tokyo Tower, watching the city at night from the observatory and then some kinky times in a high end hotel. It even included a chocolate fountain, a waterbed, champagne, commemorative condoms, the works. All of which I paid for. Seiji-kun phoned her in the afternoon and just like that all of my plans were foiled."  
>The therapist wondered just what such condoms were. And he had to ask.<br>"Commemorative condoms…?"  
>"Costume made with our names and pictures. Also flavored. I wanted something special. Since Namie always forces me to use condoms as it is I figured I might as well get some made just for the occasion."<br>"Of course I demand you to use contraception, I obviously do not want to get pregnant. That I have to explain this is preposterous."  
>"I know you're on the pill so there's really no reason. I feel that it is something that is lacking in our relationship."<br>"If you must know I dislike your semen in contact with my body."  
>Izaya sighed in a sorrowful manner.<br>"That is so cruel of you, Namie. So cruel."  
>"And exactly how do you know what medication I take?"<br>Namie was suspicious, it gave her a deadly aura that the therapist found intimidating. But Izaya merely smiled and put on a plastic glove.  
>"Every now and then I raid your garbage. I wear these. And you make it easier for me by separating everything so neatly. You'd be amazed at how much you can learn about someone by knowing just what they consume and throw away. I even know your menstrual cycle. I booked this session well into the follicular phase, not that I ever noticed any moods swings on Namie's part."<br>The eyebrow twitched a few times.  
>"That's something even a normal stalker wouldn't do."<br>"It's not stalking. What you throw away is up for grabs."  
>"Orihara-san, in the future please refrain from rummaging Yagiri-san's garbage."<br>Probably the strangest advice the therapist ever had to give.  
>"I wouldn't have to resort to such tricks if you talked to me…see what I mean, doc?"<br>"I don't know if you've developed awful habits because you're an informant or if you are an informant because of your bad habits, either way you are always gathering information of a dubious nature."  
>"Most men would not have an interest in their girlfriends' reproductive system. I go the extra mile because I am dedicated to you."<br>"First of all, I am not your girlfriend. And second, there is something highly disturbing in going to that extent."  
>"Let us go back to your working relationship. Orihara-san, how would you describe it?"<br>"Namie is highly competent. She is all I could want in a worker and more. Very no nonsense about it and she has no mercy. The killer instinct is something I value greatly. It seems to scare Kida, though."  
>"And Kida is…?"<br>"My other worker."  
>"Izaya's little minion."<br>"So there are other people working under you?"  
>"It's just Namie and Kida on a permanent basis. I hire others occasionally but they aren't part of the Orihara information agency."<br>"'Orihara information agency'? I did not know such a thing even existed, let alone that I was part of it."  
>"The first thing you must know about the Orihara information agency is that you don't speak about the Orihara information agency."<br>Izaya was very happy about the pop culture reference but Namie did not even recognize it. She was not one to watch movies as it was.  
>"And how does this Kida fit in?"<br>The therapist was sorry for him already. Having to work with this crazy couple must be beyond stressful.  
>"Kida-kun is a field agent. He is very useful."<br>"Maybe for you. He just gets on my nerves."  
>"Poor Kida-kun made the fatal mistake of making a pass at Namie. She knocked him out flat with one chop and I used him for target practice later."<br>Izaya dangled his trademark switchblade.  
>"Yagiri-san, what do you think of Orihara-san as a boss?"<br>"I admit that he's good at what he does. As far as digging up dirt gets, no one is better than him and I appreciated how he disciplined his unruly sidekick."  
>"Namie, thank you so much!"<br>"However, his work etiquette is off."


	4. Chapter 4

The therapist was curious.  
>"What do you mean, Yagiri-san?"<br>"There are times when we are supposed to be working and he will decide to have sex instead. It is unprofessional."  
>Izaya crossed a leg over the other.<br>"I'm the boss so it's fine if I want to call it a day and have some recreation time. Also, I pay you as if it were work hours."  
>"Are you calling me a prostitute?"<br>"No, no. Not at all."  
>Izaya knew he had committed a blunder. It was rare of him but he could only make amends and backpedal.<br>"What did you mean, then?"  
>Izaya tried his friendliest smile.<br>"I meant that we can have sex even during working hours without it affecting your salary so there are no disadvantages."  
>"It increases the workload later."<br>"But Namie, you never want to meet me on your free time. What am I supposed to do? At times a man just wants to get it on with his woman."  
>Izaya was taking a risk but there was something highly appealing about Namie when she was angry.<br>"Say that again and you'll be one becoming target practice."  
>The therapist coughed.<br>"I detect some hostility between the two of you."  
>"It makes for some feisty sex, doc. But it's such a shame that I'm always the one taking the initiative."<br>"If we had it your way we'd never leave bed."  
>"Now that is not true. I would like to do it in all sorts of places such as my desk, my favorite swivel chair, the bathtub, the kitchen counter and in some public places too-"<br>"I rest my case. You are a pervert."  
>The therapist decided to change the topic.<br>"What do you normally do on a date?"  
>"'Date'?"<br>"Namie does not like dates."  
>"Do you have any sort of activity you are involved in apart from work?"<br>"Apart from the hot steamy sex?"  
>"It's obvious that Izaya has something of a one track mind. We play <em>go<em> at times."  
>"She keeps a score, too."<br>"And does normally win?"  
>To the therapist's surprise Izaya clapped happily.<br>"It's actually 50/50! With my genius it is difficult to get someone to play with. No matter how much of a handicap I am willing to give the other party, there's just no thrill. But Namie gives me a run for my money."  
>"If you think I'll be all mushy over your silly compliments I must correct you. Excuse me, I must take this call."<br>Izaya recognized the ringtone on Namie's phone and after waiting a few heartbeats tiptoed after her.  
>"Orihara-san, what are you doing…?"<br>"Shh, pipe it down will you? I'm eavesdropping."  
>"That's illegal…"<br>"Not if you don't get caught."  
>Izaya returned soon enough and resumed sitting as if he had not budged.<br>"I got to go now. Seiji called."  
>"See what I mean!"<br>"Yagiri-san, the session isn't over yet."  
>"I don't care."<br>And with this she was gone.  
>"Orihara-san, do you normally eavesdrop on Yagiri-san like this?"<br>Without a doubt it sounded creepy indeed.  
>"No, too risky. I have her cell phone bugged but she changed phone recently. By the way, I was pretty sure she'd leave ahead of time so I'll email you some suggestions on how you can convince her that I am absolutely amazing."<br>"That isn't the point of therapy…"  
>"But I am amazing. And Namie must see it too. But she won't believe it if I say so for some strange reason."<br>The therapist did not think it was strange at all.  
>"It seems to me that she thinks that you have an inflated perception of your intellect and overall character."<br>"Exactly! It is up to you to show her that's just not true. There will be plenty of ootoro for you! Think about it."

"Why are we doing this again? I thought we were done."  
>Namie had been dragged to therapy again and was none the happier for that.<br>"Today we'll try something a bit different. Yagiri-san, I will ask you a few questions about Orihara-san and vice versa. This exercise allows to see how much you know about each other."  
>"Oh, great idea doc! I am something of an expert when it comes to Yagiri Namie."<br>She folded her arms.  
>"I suspect you keep a file on me and all."<br>"There is no need for that. I have the information regarding you right here."  
>Izaya tapped his head and smiled.<br>"Because you are such a genius."  
>"Why, as a matter of fact-"<br>"Whatever. Let's just get this over with."  
>Izaya pouted. He was very fond of expounding on his own merits.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

"We will start with Yagiri-san. Orihara-san, I want you to write down the answer as well. What is Orihara-san's favorite food?"  
>"'Ootoro.'"<br>Izaya beamed as he showed his answer.  
>"Yes! You're right, it's ootoro. Fatty tuna is the best. It's also an aphrodisiac-"<br>"I was in two minds, it was either ootoro or 'human souls'."  
>"Hey, that's mean of you."<br>"Yagiri-san, what is Orihara-san's favorite hobby?"  
>"'Stomping on girls' cell phones and laughing manically'."<br>"I don't do that often, it's 'spinning on my swivel chair and laughing manically'."  
>"I got the laughing manically part."<br>"Who is Orihara-san's best friend?"  
>At least this question should not raise any complications.<br>"'None'. He doesn't have any friends."  
>"Not true! My best friend is…you! 'Yagiri Namie'."<br>"I'm not your friend."  
>"True, our relationship is deeper than mere friendship but it also contains it. To put it in terms you'd like, 'friendship' is a subset of a greater group that is 'our relationship.'"<br>Namie narrowed her eyes.  
>"All that is purely in your mind."<br>The therapist leant forward.  
>"Let's exchange now. Orihara-san, you will be answering questions about Yagiri-san."<br>"I'm on it. Fire away."  
>"To make this fair, I will ask the same questions. What is Yagiri-san's favorite food?"<br>"'Well balanced nutrient pills comprising the food groups as according to dietary needs.'"  
>"What he said."<br>"See? I know you so well."  
>"Orihara-san, what is Yagiri-san's favorite hobby?"<br>"Namie doesn't do hobbies. So I'll go with 'science shows'."  
>"Yes, 'science shows'."<br>"Go me, go me, go me!"  
>"Who is Yagiri-san's best friend?"<br>Izaya was in a roll and that always meant that he went into an ego trip.  
>"I am!"<br>"No. No, you're not."  
>"No way! Don't tell me it's Seiji?"<br>"None of your business."  
>Izaya rubbed his hands together.<br>"Oh? Could it be that you have no friends yourself, Namie?"  
>"Don't assume that other people are like you."<br>"I can be a wonderful friend. I always listen. You can trust me to listen to all your problems."  
>"Most of my problems tend to revolve around you."<br>"It is good to know that I am so important to you."  
>The therapist had never seen anyone distort everything to his advantage as Izaya did. Clearly, Orihara-san had issues of his own.<br>"Let's try something different now. Orihara-san, you can ask three questions to Yagiri-san and then vice versa. Each question will be followed by a confession from the person making it."  
>"Oh goodie, I get to go first. Whatever shall I ask! I have so many things I want to know. I will start with, what is wrong with my semen?"<br>The therapist nearly fell off his seat.  
>"It is sticky and I dislike it unless it is inside a test tube and is being handled with gloves."<br>"All semen is like that!"  
>"I am very much aware of that and I bet you have firsthand experience regarding that."<br>"What do you mean, Yagiri-san?"  
>"He's bisexual and as far as I am aware very much into having sex with men."<br>"Hey! Using my sexual orientation against me is just unfair. I'd rather do it with you any day of the week."  
>"You'd rather not do anything else."<br>"Especially without a condom. We need to work on that. The brand of contraceptive pills you take has a 99.9% success rate. I have checked the statistics."  
>Izaya seemed very happy with himself for showing that he was aware of statistical evidence.<br>"How about you have a vasectomy? I volunteer to do it myself."  
>"Heh…Namie, you can be a hoot every now and then!"<br>The therapist was quite sure that she was as serious as anyone could be.  
>"And by the way, since you're such a science oriented person, you should know that semen is actually very nutritious."<br>"_Don't_ go there."  
>Izaya nodded.<br>"I thought you would say that so I brought some issues of Scientific American. Don't you just love the scientific method? Along with some articles on how healthy sex is for you. As human beings-"  
>"You don't learn, do you?"<br>The therapist wondered as well. Izaya blinked innocently.  
>"But Namie, I only have your best interests in mind. I am a caring person."<br>Izaya's smile was so smug that Namie considered kicking the chair beneath him.


	6. Chapter 6

"Orihara-san, and your confession is?"  
>This should be good.<br>"Over the years I have replaced your entire underwear collection with similar items. So I have all your panties and bras. It wasn't very easy but each time we did it at your place I would do a switch and it eventually came to pass that you don't have any of your original underwear."  
>"You stole my underwear. I won't even ask why."<br>"'Stealing' is too harsh. After all, you did not even notice it until now. I wanted to put some G strings in your drawer but I knew you would realize what was going on then."  
>"I think you need therapy and medication."<br>The therapist agreed.  
>"Yagiri-san, your turn."<br>"Why do you carry that head around and talk to it?"  
>"Ah, I have a grand plan that I am not at liberty to discuss. I will just say that when it succeeds you and I will be live happily ever after in a paradisiacal realm as gods."<br>"And the odd thing is, I don't even think you are making it up."  
>"I'm glad that you trust me."<br>"I did not say that."  
>The therapist did not even want to ask about this head business.<br>"Yagiri-san, your confession please."  
>The therapist expected her to refuse altogether. He was mistaken.<br>"I have taken samples of your genetic material for the purposes of identifying the gene for megalomania."  
>"That is kind of sexy. I'm touched!"<br>Izaya nearly held her hands but he thought better at the very last moment. After all, for all his liberties with Namie he knew that she was best handled with care. It was part of her charm.  
>"Orihara-san, next question."<br>"Hmm…I didn't want to ask this but to show my good will, if you could change one thing about me what would it be?"  
>The perfect answer would be 'nothing'.<br>"I would decrease your sex drive, eliminate your narcissism, eliminate your tendency for causing mischief for the fun of it, eliminate your crazy fits of laughter-"  
>"Hey, I said one thing! Not a million…"<br>"There are many things that need correcting in you."  
>"You lack diplomacy."<br>"Good. I don't want any."  
>Whether they were a couple or not they sure argued as one, thought the therapist.<br>"Orihara-san, your confession."  
>"I wrote Namie a song. It's called, 'I am such a great guy to have Namie as my woman'. It goes a bit like-"<br>"Sing and I will kill you."  
>Izaya pouted.<br>"Yagiri-san, it is your turn to ask a question."  
>"Were you born this obnoxious or did you grow into it?"<br>"Objection! The question is leading."  
>"Orihara-san, this isn't a court of law."<br>"Still, it heavily implies that I am obnoxious."  
>"Which you are."<br>"To ask your question, my personality has not changed."  
>"So it is genetic. I thought so."<br>The therapist was even afraid of asking but unfortunately it could not be helped.  
>"Yagiri-san, your confession please."<br>"I know that you talk to yourself when you are alone and think that no-one is listening. More, you address yourself as 'ore-sama' and dance in front of the mirror in the nude and without music."  
>"There is nothing wrong in appreciating myself and celebrating it."<br>"I rest my case."  
>Namie addressed the therapist and ignored Izaya altogether.<br>"Orihara-san, what is your next question?"  
>"What is the best recollection you have with me?"<br>Namie gave it some thought.  
>"That one time that very strong man threw a vending machine at you and sent you hurling through the air."<br>"Shizu-chan! When you mention him, the pain is great! The pain, the horrible pain!"  
>And for effect Izaya gesticulated. Namie did kick the chair at this point and Izaya fell flat on his ass.<br>"Hey, that hurt..."  
>"You can go with your theatrics so much better now."<br>"Orihara-san, your confession?"  
>"I've told <em>everyone<em> we are engaged to be married."  
>"One, who is 'everyone' and two, 'why'?"<br>Izaya looked so pleased with himself that the therapist wondered if he was technically delusional.  
>"'Everyone' is 'bukuro and beyond. And 'why', you ask? Simple. If you repeat a lie enough times it will become truth at one point or another."<br>"You're paraphrasing Goebbels. And I think you know it."  
>"I love how knowledgeable you are. Now, could we set a date-"<br>"What for?"  
>"The wedding, of course."<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

By now the therapist was afraid that Yagiri-san would actually stab Orihara-san.  
>"Let me guess, you want to wear another pretty ring."<br>"Yes but more than that I want you to wear a matching pretty ring. With our names. Besides, I have the honeymoon all planned. A romantic cruise-"  
>"No."<br>"How about a tour of the most romantic cities in Europe? Like, say Leverkusen."  
>The therapist had never heard about this city in particular.<br>"Leverkusen is the headquarters of Bayer. Are you trying to bribe me?"  
>"I wouldn't say 'bribe' but it just so happens that I could make it easy for you to visit <em>every<em> corner of Bayer. You can even meet the CEO!"  
>"CEOs are always insufferable ignoramuses that can only survive in a corporate environment that privileges mediocrity. They are not scientists."<br>"And then we could go to Berlin, Paris, Rome, Venice, London!"  
>Not for the first time the therapist wondered if Orihara-san simply ignored everything that just happened to go against his plans. The shameless flippancy was indeed rather annoying.<br>"How about you go to all those places and leave me to run my research in peace."  
>"But that defeats the purpose of a honeymoon…"<br>"Yagiri-san, you still have a question to ask Orihara-san."  
>"Have you been spying on me?"<br>Izaya shrugged.  
>"We are using very loaded terms here. 'Spying' entails that I carry an unhealthy surveillance of your person and that it entails a certain maladjustment of my character. More, it heavily implies that I nurture a disturbing interest in your person and thus deprive you of some basic rights."<br>Namie's eyes turned into ice cold slits.  
>"Izaya, it's a very simple 'yes' or 'no' question. <em>Answer<em> it."  
>Izaya fidgeted a bit. And some more.<br>"I wouldn't say I spy on you but I may have installed cameras and bugs in your apartment."  
>"Izaya-!"<br>"In my defense I would not have to resort to such means if you agreed to living under the same roof. My only wish is to become closer to you-"  
>"Oh really? By stealing my underwear and stalking me?"<br>"Yagiri-san, your confession please."  
>"You encrypt your files but just so you know, I can crack any code anytime. I top you when it comes to computer science, information science and informatics."<br>Izaya gasped.  
>"I absolutely love a woman who knows her binary code. Let us do some 'programming' together."<br>To the therapist's dismay Izaya actually winked.  
>"You're missing the point. Next time you ask me to wear preposterous outfits I will hack into your computer."<br>"Hey, sexy maid outfit isn't preposterous. Frills and stockings are so you! Okay…maybe not but you know, that is the essence of roleplay. And it wouldn't hurt you to call me 'master' every now and then."  
>She glanced at her watch.<br>"Are we done now?"  
>The therapist coughed.<br>"Orihara-san, Yagiri-san, I have a suggestion. I want you both to plan a date each and I will join as an observer."  
>Izaya nodded then pulled him apart to have a word in private.<br>"Great idea doc, really. But when I give the signal you're to split. I am sure that you understand. Dates are conductive to some hot sexy times. I'll signal you when the time comes. It's all about timing."  
>By the time they looked up Namie was already gone.<br>"Orihara-san, I am sorry if I am overstepping my bonds but why don't you choose a partner who is less hostile toward you?"  
>"What would be the fun of that? It's not just all about the chase but a good part of it is! Besides, getting an obedient woman to wear a French maid outfit is not a challenge nor is it interesting. And Namie is a wonderful woman. Which means that I must be an absolutely great guy to have her as my girlfriend! It is all explained in the song I composed."<br>"You really made a song?"  
>"Of course. What can I say, I am a man of many talents. It just so happened that I have a very agreeable singing voice. Ah, if only Namie and I could have a duet! But that's why I hired you, doc. I am counting on you. No pressure. But by the end of these sessions I fully expect Namie to become 'Orihara Namie'. I already have a marriage certificate that only need her signature."<br>The therapist considered reminding Orihara-san that there was no such thing as miracles but he was afraid of getting Hume quoted back at him.


	8. Chapter 8

The therapist was afraid of the date Orihara-san had arranged. He feared that it would veer on the romantic side and thus alienate Yagiri-san even further. And so he had asked him to inform him of his plans beforehand. The therapist was not quite sure what to expect but he was perplexed when Orihara-san announced his intentions of taking Yagiri-san to a robotics fair. It was so strange that the therapist had to enquire as to the rationale.  
>"It is very simple. Namie likes science in general and robots are sure to interest her: both in themselves and as useful tools. Also, I expect the place to be packed with geeks of the highly unappealing kind. My natural charm will be brought into relief in such a setting! It is perfect."<br>The therapist had to give it out to Orihara-san. Here was someone who was very thorough through and through and who planned in detail. Whether ultimately it would actually do Orihara-san's love life any good it was still to be seen. A city could be easily seized but Yagiri Namie was more difficult to handle.  
>"Namie! I see that you are having fun!"<br>Izaya smiled widely and nearly skipped about. Namie was inspecting a stand of oddly shaped robot. She flat out ignored him.  
>"Interesting concept. Can I look inside?"<br>"Sure."  
>The robot designer was rather distressed but Namie already had a screwdriver and was easily unscrewing a panel from one of the units.<br>"The material isn't very durable and you should pay more attention to the circuitry. I assume that you created this?"  
>"Yes. But it's still a prototype."<br>Namie humphed and tossed her lush long hair over a shoulder.  
>"That translated as 'I am too lazy or unable to improve on it'. I hate that kind of thinking. It is one step above CEOs."<br>The therapist blinked.  
>"CEOs, Yagiri-san?"<br>"Ah, Namie has a prejudice against corporate people. I don't suppose there is a term for that? 'Corporate phobia', perhaps?"  
>Namie shot Izaya a deadly glare.<br>"It is not prejudice but a deduction based on experience and data."  
>"Yes, m'am! Suits must die and eat the rich!"<br>Namie folded her arms.  
>"I wouldn't be saying that if <em>I<em> were you. Don't forget I am aware of your finances and know all about those off shore accounts of yours."  
>"I fully intend to share my possessions with you upon our getting married. Speaking of which, I saw the other day the first couple to get married by a robot! What can I say, only in Japan. But if you want us to get married in another location that is perfectly- hey, where did you go?"<br>"Yagiri-san has moved to another stand."  
>And so she had. Leaving Izaya to ramble to himself.<br>"So mean of her."  
>Izaya had to skip to catch her and the therapist nearly ran.<br>"I am buying it."  
>"Namie, what are you buying?"<br>"A coffee making machine that also delivers the cup. Given that you are too lazy to actually do that yourself."  
>Izaya gasped loudly.<br>"But I value the human element. Machines cannot make coffee half as delicious or deliver it."  
>"Then find another 'human' do it for you as I am rather tired of always having to make and deliver your coffee."<br>Izaya actually pouted,  
>"It's a bonding experience…and after some hot action I want a warm drink and it's not the same without your serving it to me in bed. Couples need a routine of little things that they do together. Isn't that right, doc?"<br>"Yes, but both parties have to-"  
>"And how exactly is it 'together'? I'm the one making the coffee, I'm the one serving it to you in a platter and I'm the use tossing the cup into the machine afterwards."<br>The therapist did not exactly see how this was such an ordeal but Yagiri-san referred to the task as if it was nothing short of torture.  
>"I always invite you to drink it with me. And I believe that one day it will come true!"<br>Namie walked briskly to another stand. Izaya gave chase. The therapist was getting tired.  
>"Namie, how about this? It's a robot pet dog! How cute is that? Let's buy it!"<br>"Buy it if you want."  
>"How about a kitty instead? I like cats better."<br>"I don't really care."  
>"I always wanted to take care of a kitty with you. And look at the integrated circuits on this baby!"<br>That got Namie's attention. She studied the robotic cat at length.  
>"The basic outline is not bad. Even if it is utterly purposeless."<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

"Pets have a purpose. Being cute and adorable. I am much more a cat person so kitty it is! Any ideas about the name?"  
>The therapist wondered if this weird talk was Orihara-san's strange way of vying for forming a family with Yagiri-san and hoped that it would never happen. The world was not prepared for it. She studied the robot at length.<br>"Are the animal's behavior codes programmed into this?"  
>Izaya held it up.<br>"Nya~!"  
>"I'm not talking to you."<br>The designer flailed at Namie's glare of death and ended up trying to be funny:  
>"The basic ones, it won't pee on your things or drink milk."<br>Izaya prudently stepped back and the therapist followed his example, having realized that it was wiser to do so.  
>"I do not have the time or the patience to put up with 'humor'."<br>Izaya bought the robotic cat and again had to catch up with Namie who was trying on a robot suit of sorts.  
>"What do you know, it's Macross meets Gundam."<br>Namie tried to flex her hand with the glove like device.  
>"If I understand you correctly I can lift up objects up to 80 kilos with one hand?"<br>"Yes. It is developed for the care of bedridden people. The leg parts convert synaptic signals directly into motion so that paraplegic patients can easily walk."  
>"Very interesting but it seems a rather heavy apparatus."<br>"It supports itself so that one doesn't feel the weight at all."  
>Namie actually widened her eyes. Izaya felt a bit left out and he exceedingly disliked it.<br>"That is remarkable indeed. Here's my card, I am interested in buying the patent and distributing it exclusively."  
>Just when Izaya was about to intervene before he was forgotten Namie picked him up with a single hand and dangled him in the air like a ragdoll.<br>"Na-mie-"  
>"I don't suppose you weight 80 kilos but I see endless practical uses to this invention."<br>Apart from the general unpleasant feeling of being tossed about Izaya had a personal issue with it. It reminded him too much of Shizuo and his rampages. And with his limbs hanging limply he looked as miserable as he felt.  
>"Namie, how about you put me down? Please?"<br>She did so by dropping him without a warning. The therapist wince in anticipation of a serious injury but Izaya landed on his feet gracefully and bowed with a flourish as if he was on the stage.  
>"Let us move on."<br>"Yes, Namie!"  
>And somehow the robot themed date was a success. Izaya was beyond himself and often would find himself skipping as he walked.<br>"What are we doing here?"  
>Izaya had led her to a lingerie store. He assumed a very grave attitude.<br>"I feel very bad for having relocated your underwear. To make up for it I will pay for any item you want to buy here. And if I may be as bold as to suggest a few purchases-"  
>"Why not give me back my things and spare yourself the trouble? On second thought, I don't want them. I can only imagine what you have used it for but I am sure it was unhygienic andor perverted."  
>Izaya gasped dramatically.<br>"I may have pranced about wearing it over my head and used it for, recreational purposes so to speak, but that is hardly-"  
>"I rest my case. But I can always do with new underwear."<br>"Yes! Indeed. That's the spirit, Namie!"  
>Izaya had the presence of spirit to select a store with a lot of variety, it carried both kinky and frills bras, panties, corsets and the like as well as simple cotton underwear. Had he had his way, Izaya would have gone all out and picked a sex store that also happened to carry edible lingerie but he knew that Namie would have vetoed it on the spot. Which was not to say that he was exactly subtle. As soon as they entered the store Izaya brought to Namie's attention to a see through babydoll lined with a fur trim.<br>"How about this one?"  
>"If you like it so much then you wear it instead of stealing from my drawers."<br>"I abandon my relocating ways for good. I am a new man!"  
>Namie turned to the therapist who was sure they had forgotten all about him.<br>"I hope you can see that he is manipulating language again. 'Relocate'? That's what those CEOs say when they fail to abide by the approved budget."  
>Izaya tried to look most respectable.<br>"Hey, I did replace your property."  
>Namie narrowed her eyes.<br>"Yes, it is very telling how even _you_ are better than them."


	10. Chapter 10

"Yes, I must agree that corporate environment is stifling of one's creativity. I am of course exempt of such constrains."  
>The therapist did not cease to wonder how Orihara-san turned virtually all statements into either neutral or positive about himself. Namie studied the lingerie in a most critical manner.<br>"Why do you insist on having fur on garments? Trying to go back on the evolutionary road?"  
>"Heh, very funny. But no. A bit of fur just so happens to be sexy if I may say so myself."<br>And of course Izaya was donning his trademark stylish jacket.  
>"I am not buying it so you might as well put it away."<br>"Like I said, this is my date so the expenses are on me. I'll be honored to buy it for you! It's an investment, after all."  
>Izaya nodded soberly as if this was a wise thing to say. Namie passed him and picked a handful of plain cotton panties.<br>"These will do."  
>"No way! So boring. Not that you don't look gorgeous even in normal undies and it's obvious that you look even better without anything at all but still-"<br>"Watch what you're saying."  
>For once Izaya checked himself and coughed.<br>"I suggest a compromise. You may buy all the regular underwear you want. In turn, you will wear this beauty! What do you say?"  
>Namie tossed her hair over a shoulder and shrugged.<br>"Fine."  
>"Oh yay. Happiness!"<br>"If you start jumping in public-"  
>"Worry not, I shall not skip about. This one is your size but you should try it on anyway."<br>As Namie did so Izaya tip-toed to the therapist.  
>"I know that you're thinking I'll be sneaking in for a peek but I shall do no such thing. And if you dare spy yourself, well, let us just say it will not be pretty."<br>Izaya flashed the switchblade without breaking his glowing smile and the therapist wondered just how much insanity was in store for him.

As it turned out, Namie did buy in bulk, having decided that wearing underwear that Izaya had slipped into her drawer was not acceptable. But Izaya was not yet defeated. He proceeded with dinner in an expensive sushi restaurant where he had booked the best table for two, an extra chair being added for the therapist.  
>"It's raw fish."<br>Namie wrinkled her nose as she said this. Izaya tutted.  
>"Now, now, it 's not 'raw'. It is fresh fish. Fresh tuna to be more specific and sliced properly, too."<br>"If it's not cooked then it is raw."  
>"Ootoro is prepared, you know. Besides, why are you hating on ootoro? It is very healthy. I thought that you were all about healthy eating."<br>To the therapist's relief Izaya mentioned nothing about the aphrodisiac qualities of the food in question.  
>"I suppose its nutrient composition is indeed healthy."<br>But still Namie sampled the tuna without much enthusiasm.  
>"It melts on your tongue like this, see?"<br>And Izaya simply had to show Namie by layering a generous slice on his tongue and opening his mouth wide.  
>"Watch your manners."<br>Izaya was at his best behavior from there on much to the therapist and Namie's surprise.  
>Things seemed to be going to his way so he decided to opt for keeping a low profile for once in his life. It worked out when after dessert Namie invited him to her apartment.<br>At this point Izaya pulled the therapist aside.  
>"Doc, I'll take it from here. Everything is going precisely according to the plan. I'd call it fate but I don't believe in that. I make my own fate."<br>And with this Izaya waved enthusiastically at the therapist and bounced indoors.  
>"We can start with the bedroom."<br>"I second that motion! And then move to the other rooms."  
>Izaya was happy that he had packed condoms and he could not help rubbing his hands in contentment.<br>"Get to it."  
>"Bossy. I like it."<br>"I meant that you can start looking for the bugs you installed and removing them."  
>Izaya opened his mouth to protest but thought better of it. Namie had her arms folded and was blocking the threshold. Worse, she had not changed into sexy lingerie as Izaya thought but was wearing the robotic outfit. In other words, resistance was indeed futile.<br>Izaya spent a whole two hours fishing out spying devices from every chamber including the bathroom. Namie kept them.  
>"Well, now that we've taken care of that we can go back to-"<br>"I'll see you tomorrow."


	11. Chapter 11

And just like that his sexy night was foiled. Izaya sighed sadly but then his phone rang just as he was about to take the lift and sure enough it was Namie.  
>"And if I happen to find as much as a single bug there will be consequences, Orihara Izaya."<br>He sighed anew but smiled. Namie only used his full name when she was even more serious than usual. Izaya could hardly wait to see what Namie had planned for their next date. At home he checked his daily planner to see just how much quality time he was spending with Namie and decided to plan a few unnecessary tasks for her to fill the quota that he had decided was required.  
>The therapist was beyond surprised when Izaya summoned him to his apartment in the middle of the night. Izaya explained how the date had gone South and seemed rather discouraged. But not for long.<br>"Still, there is no need to despair. My surveillance network may be gone but I still have hour upon hour of Yagiri Namie footage to watch at my leisure. Of course, after all the trouble I went to actually bug the place it is tragic that no longer will I have my 200 angles of camera work but in the long run this may be for the best. That way I can have a word in private with you."  
>The therapist was escorted to Izaya's bedroom where sure enough there was a wide high resolution flat screen right next to bed.<br>"Did you say 200, Orihara-san...?"  
>"Yes. A great loss like I said but see this screen? I play footage of Namie sleeping in here so that it seems as if she is right by my side. Unfortunately Namie is not too fond of sleeping next to me, not even after sex. It breaks my heart."<br>And Izaya faked a sob. The therapist did not even know what to say but Izaya saved him the trouble by guiding him to the living room and opening a laptop.  
>"Doc, I think that the priority now is to get Namie to lose her semen phobia. I suspect it is a form of androphobia. Now, I've done some research on the subject and have assorted a few works by experts. I expect you to study them."<br>Izaya handed him a USB. The therapist took it and wondered if Orihara-san simply could not help being a handful even when the idea was to be helpful.  
>"Orihara-san, you should let the professionals handle the therapy aspect."<br>"Reading loud and clear. It's just that it'll be awkward when the wedding night rolls by. Know what I mean?"  
>"You should take it one step at a time. I don't think Yagiri-san is ready to take such a step and your relationship is not yet stable enough for marriage."<br>And the therapist doubted it would ever be.  
>"No worries, doc. I trust your skills. And of course, if you fail, I can't assure that you won't end up at the bottom of Tokyo Bay."<br>Izaya's smile was a bit too friendly.  
>"Orihara-san...?"<br>"Just kidding, just kidding."  
>But the therapist had his doubts.<p>

In between dates the therapist decided to meet Kida-kun since he had been mentioned and apparently worked closely with both Yagiri-san and Orihara-san.  
>"Kida-kun, can you tell me about your employer and Yagiri-san?"<br>Kida looked left, then right, then left again. The therapist expected someone considerably older.  
>"Is Orihara-san seeing this? He is, isn't he?"<br>"No, I haven't told him I'm meeting you."  
>Kida looked around again and conducted the therapist to a busy place in Ikebukuro, part of the area that Shizuo had decided to be 'flea free'.<br>"You say you're a couple therapist? Oh boy, you're so screwed. Izaya and Namie are both crazy. I'm not even sure which one is crazier."  
>"What do you mean by 'crazy'?"<br>"I mean, 'Kida-kun if you do as much as look at my woman funny you are fish bait' crazy, that's what I mean! But she's just as bad! Working for her is hell on Earth."  
>"I thought that you worked for Orihara-san?"<br>"And I do. Officially. In reality I work for both of them, they're the bosses. It doesn't matter what happens, he'll always take Namie's side. If she poured acid on me he'd probably be all for. That's the kind of man he is."  
>"So would you say that they are close?"<br>"When it comes to screwing me over? Yes, as close as it gets."


	12. Chapter 12

"I see."  
>"For example, I'll submit a report. Izaya will say it's fine and let it go. But if Namie catches it she'll go on about how 'faulty' it is. And what does Izaya do? Guess what, it's 'Kida-kun, I must remind you that you must put more of an effort into it'. I cannot win! He'd run me over if it meant he got it on with Namie."<br>The therapist noticed that Kida was fairly quick in dropping '-san' and switching to given names.  
>"About their relationship, how would you describe it?"<br>"I used to think that my love life was messed up. Not anymore. Izaya keeps 'Namie time' on his schedule. Which means they'll be fooling around which _means_ more work for me. Not that I get any overtime pay of course. I'm a slave, nothing but a slave."  
>The therapist sympathized but it was not his role to interfere in this and so he left Kida to his complaints and wondered just what Yagiri-san had planned for the next date.<p>

Izaya was of course very much concerned about this too and spent quite some time wondering what to dress. Not that it mattered much since in the end he always picked similar clothes but it was a matter of principle. Before leaving his apartment for the date he checked his condoms. Izaya had a large collection of these of several types to be used according to the situation. He believed that it showed how caring a person he was to go to this extent, the therapist might have told him that it was simply Izaya striving to kick into gear his sex life.  
>After some hesitation he chose three condoms, one of each type: a flavored one, one with grooves and one extra thin. He carried these in a special case since Namie was adamant about how condoms got deformed if they were carried in pockets and the like. Izaya sighed and was mildly sad for a whole thirty seconds. And then he bounced away, picked up the robot cat and headed for the address Namie had given him.<p>

"Namie...? This is..."  
>"It's about to start so we have to hurry."<br>Namie walked into the conference centre and Izaya and a rather surprised therapist followed.  
>"What is starting, exactly?"<br>"A conference on genetics. I figured if I brought you along I could get this date thing over with without even losing my time."  
>Izaya opened his mouth to protest, closed it again and shuffled after her. The therapist was even sorry for him until he remembered the 200 cameras. Namie had seats for the three of them right in the first row facing the podium and the wall where a PowerPoint presentation was being tested. Izaya's only solace was the large room was filled with very unattractive individuals but it was hardly enough to cheer him up.<br>"I'm sure this will be most interesting but I had in mind something more private if not necessarily romantic-"  
>"Shut up, it's starting."<br>And indeed it was. A grey man took the stage and began speaking in the most monotonous tone Izaya had ever heard in his life. Izaya could follow up to the abstract but soon enough the presentation became highly technical and thus he was lost at sea, his attention drifting. So he gave up on even pretending to be paying any attention and focused on looking at Namie. For once Namie was totally unaware that she was the object of Izaya's stare. She was too busy taking notes to even notice. Izaya sighed again, silently this time around. He gave the therapist a look full of misery and returned to studying Namie even it became all too aware that his chances of getting any action at all today were dwindling into nothingness.  
>Izaya wondered what he should do. He could of course endure this in the hopes of gaining some points in Namie's estimation but it was very likely she would not even realize he had even been there at all. Another option was to feign sickness and see if she would take care of him but he discarded this immediately. His only hope was that she had planned more after this conference. As he contemplated such things Izaya thought about how unfair it was that his feelings did not seem to be returned with the same intensity. To shake off such depressing thoughts he turned to texting the therapist.<br>[Doc, made any progress with the androphobia issue?]  
>The therapist blinked in surprise.<br>[It's not a priority]


	13. Chapter 13

Izaya begged to differ.  
>[But it's not normal]<br>The therapist was not sure since when Orihara-san cared for 'normal' or what meaning the word could have when it came to his relationship with Yagiri-san.  
>Izaya was getting more bored by the second which was a new experience for him. Whenever Namie was around he was always in a whirl in one way or another even if it was only to dodge her wrath when it became critical. But he could not even address her now and just staring could get a bit tedious when one had ambitions of going all the way in a few hours' time. Izaya aimed his cell phone to discretely record her so that at least he would increase his Yagiri Namie library. Just when he thought the dullness would simply numb him completely Namie was called to the stage.<br>"I will begin my presentation on, 'The Megalomania Gene: initial stages of sequencing.' The test subject is Orihara Izaya."  
>Izaya jumped to his feet and waved merrily.<br>"That's me! Hello, it is great to meet you all!"  
>Izaya joined her at the stage and had to contain himself lest he skipped about at all the attention he was receiving. It was with an effort that Izaya avoided snatching the microphone from Namie and singing the amazing song he had composed just for her. This was not the audience he had in mind though and he knew that it was too risky. The therapist wondered at Izaya's joy, being a test subject did not sound particularly nice but clearly Izaya thought otherwise.<br>"I have used samples of the test subject's semen to collect genetic material-"  
>"Namie...? That's a bit, you know...well, wrong. But kinky so it's all good."<br>And Izaya actually smiled happily. The therapist remembered that Yagiri-san had indeed stated she had no qualms handling semen as long as it was properly contained in a test tube.  
>"The test subject exhibits all aspects of a megalomaniac. I have an expert opinion."<br>Namie pointed and introduced the therapist who was forced to admit that indeed Orihara Izaya could be classified as suffering from megalomania.  
>"To continue, sequencing is currently proceeding and once isolated in laboratory conditions we will move to correcting it in actual humans."<br>Izaya's smile wavering a bit.  
>"Correcting...? Hey, I don't need that! Besides, megalomania is when one thinks one is all that but in reality is not, in my case I <em>am<em> all that and I know it. Why opt for false humility when the truth is so much better?"  
>But Namie would have none of his antics and carried on with a flawlessly professional presentation. Izaya's spirits did not deflate, however and the therapist could hardly believe how bouncy he was afterwards. A few scientists wanted to discuss things in more detail with Namie so Izaya had a moment alone with the therapist.<br>"This isn't too bad, doc. Sure, rather surprising but still! Namie is talking about me with her peers. I wouldn't call them 'friends', clearly she doesn't fare all that well in that department I'm afraid but the fact remains that she was been thinking about me! Granted, 'test subject' has a certain pejorative connection to it but I am alive. Most of Namie's 'test subjects' do not survive the 'testing', so to speak. Also, Namie is a work freak, if I am at all relevant to her scientific pursuits then I'm all set!"  
>Apparently there was no limit to dysfunction. Izaya waited until Namie's discussion was over to approach her.<br>"Namie! I must say, it was rather underhanded of you to collect such samples behind my back. You could have just asked! I'd be glad to help. Actually, I was wondering how exactly did you collect them?"  
>Namie was already walking away with her brisk step.<br>"It was easy, condoms are good vessels for storage."  
>"Ah...indeed they are. That was exceedingly calculating of you. I am falling in love with you all over again!"<br>"Then you can stop being obnoxious."  
>"My personality is a charming one. People love me. And so must you, Namie! For you are a human too!"<br>Namie cocked a thumb in Izaya's direction and addressed the therapist.  
>"See what I mean?"<br>"What's next on our date?"  
>Namie tossed her hair.<br>"The date is over."  
>"No way!"<br>"Let's just go to my place and get this over. There's no telling how much trouble you'll cause if I don't sleep with you so don't just stand there."


	14. Chapter 14

Izaya actually did a happy dance.  
>"See, doc? I told you it'll all work out!"<br>The therapist was left to wonder just how it had indeed worked out. He could not help but feel that Orihara-san had some sort of powers that somehow directed things to his advantage even when the odds were so stacked against him. Then again it could be that Yagiri-san was simply odd.

So when the following day Izaya requested a private session the therapist was beyond curious. Izaya threw himself on the chair as soon as he arrived and sighing heavily removed sunglasses, revealing a black eye.  
>"Orihara-san, what happened?"<br>"Ah, where to start. Last night was wonderful, Namie even wore the sexy lingerie and all! And for once I didn't have to use condoms, the joy, the joy! So everything was so perfect that I got perhaps a bit ahead of myself and asked her to marry me. The result was a Namie punch."  
>Izaya sighed again.<br>"That's domestic violence..."  
>"But you see, I have a plan. It is very simple. Let us suppose that Seiji-kun had an accident."<br>The therapist blinked a few times, rapidly.  
>"I don't follow."<br>"Worry not, I shall elaborate. You see, Seiji-kun is Namie's whole family. What would happen if he were to, say, suffer an unfortunate accident? This city is becoming so dangerous as of late. Now, I am sure that Namie would be most sad. Exceedingly so, in fact. And who would be right there to comfort her? Orihara Izaya!"  
>Izaya bounced up and down as if his murderous plot was a stroke of genius.<br>"Orihara-san, I really don't think you should be considering such violent plans."  
>"I thought you'd say that but that is because you do not know Seiji-kun. He is absolutely dreadful. The world would become so much better if he were to disappear. Also, how do you fill the hole left by losing your family? By forming a new one, via marriage! It is full proof plan and a duty to humanity."<br>Izaya nodded with the utmost seriousness.  
>"Orihara-san, may ask why you are so intent on getting married? Is it because of the matching rings?"<br>It would actually not even surprise the therapist.  
>"Of course not, that's only part of it. The rest is having Namie become 'Orihara Namie' and of course wedding dress kink. And a honeymoon that I can prolong as much as I want because I just happen to be her employer! Not to mention the whole domestic part. She would warm up to me and maybe even fix me my meals! Then again, I don't suppose Namie is a great cook. But I can convince her that cooking is another form of chemistry."<br>"I thought that you did not care for something as traditional as marriage."  
>"But I want to show off a pretty and smart wife! Nothing wrong with that."<br>The therapist had his doubts. He decided to try another approach.  
>"Orihara-san, there are studies that prove that after marriage couples have less sex."<br>"Hmm...that is true. That would be quite troublesome, wouldn't it."  
>"Yes. So you should abandon marriage as a goal."<br>"I suppose. But I would beat the odds! Married or otherwise I am still a sexy beast if I may say so myself. And I may say so myself."  
>The therapist had to hand it out to Yagiri-san, she was spot on with her diagnosis of megalomania.<br>"Orihara-san-"  
>"Also, I just came across a wonderful study. See here, 'a healthy sexual relationship promotes efficiency and betters one's intellectual skills'. Scientific American, too."<br>And Izaya handed him the magazine in question.  
>"Just how much research do you do normally?"<br>"Quite a lot. Information management is my area of expertise and no one can beat me in that."  
>The therapist had never seen anyone look so content with a bruise on their eye.<br>"Do you think that Yagiri-san would be persuaded by this?"  
>Izaya literally beamed.<br>"Think? I _know_ she will. But not if I tell her about it, no. That is why you'll be doing that for me!"  
>"What...?"<br>"That's right! You're unbiased and she clearly trusts you as far as psychology goes – why do you think I let you get away with rambling about how much of a ego freak I am? – so I am sure she will listen to you."


	15. Chapter 15

The therapist flailed a bit as Izaya folded his hands and became rather creepy in his poise.  
>"Also, doc. Just for the record, I do know where you live. I scouted you out, after all. So you will be helping me out on this, neh? Things are shakier than ever between Namie and I and you are the trump card to make it all swing my way."<br>"Orihara-san, I can't take sides on this."  
>"By the way, I doctored the article just a tad. It stated that having sec thrice a week was healthy. I changed it to once per day."<br>The therapist gaped.  
>"That's lying, I cannot condone-"<br>"But doc, if I kept it to 'three times a week' it would end up being once per week, more likely than not. You know how it goes and especially with Namie. Now, I know what you're thinking. That she'll check to see if the article is the genuine thing. But you see, if you're the one sharing it with her she won't suspect a thing. It is brilliant of me, brilliant."  
>By now the therapist knew that this particular couple was beyond insane.<br>"Orihara-san, I can't let you deceive Yagiri-san like this."  
>Suddenly Izaya jumped to his feet. The therapist was actually afraid he was going to hit him. Instead, Izaya clapped and twirled merrily.<br>"That's it! I got it now. Killing Seiji-kun is out of the question. I'll hire some goons to roughen him up some and then I'll save him! Namie will thank me forever! She will be so happy that jump into bed with me!"  
>The therapist did not even know what to say. So he simply said,<br>"We have an appointment next week, I don't suppose you'll be keeping it?"  
>"I sure will, doc."<p>

And sure enough the following week Namie was sitting opposite the therapist with Izaya by his side. The therapist noticed that the black eye was almost gone. He coughed before beginning.  
>"Yagiri-san, it seems that there has been a crisis of sorts. Would you mind telling me what happened?"<br>"Izaya here began to talk about marriage so I had to remove him from bed. At which point he fell and apparently hurt himself, somehow."  
>The therapist was puzzled.<br>"Orihara-san...? Was that what happened?"  
>Izaya sighed and shook his head.<br>"Ah, you know how it is. Afterglow makes me a bit sluggish and I ended up falling although she did push me out of bed. But you know how it is, for a parkour genius such as myself to just fall like that, it is so embarrassing."  
>Namie's eyes narrowed.<br>"What exactly did you tell the doctor."  
>Izaya bounced back, smiling broadly.<br>"Let's not worry about petty details. How is your gene sequencing work going?"  
>This was just the right subject to get Namie talking. Izaya listened with a perfect façade of great interest when in reality he was too busy studying the shape of her mouth to actually listen to word she was saying. But he knew when to nod.<br>"My, that is amazing. You are a highly competent woman. It is so difficult to find competent people nowadays."  
>"Society is full of parasites that need be eliminated."<br>It was even creepier than Izaya's veiled threats, the therapist decided. But clearly Izaya was doing some sort of PR mission that included giving Namie his full support.  
>"Namely those shut-ins."<br>"Those could be used for tests. That way they would actually be useful for once in their lives instead of leeching off everyone around them."  
>Izaya nodded almost gravely.<br>"Indeed."  
>The therapist could not even tell how much on the same page they actually were and he had his doubts whether it was all that good an idea to push for a relationship between these two.<br>"Yagiri-san, could you classify your relationship with Orihara-san on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the least solid and 10 the most solid?"  
>"I'm not about to marry him if <em>that's<em> what you're fishing for."  
>Izaya coughed and gestured. The therapist knew that it was the cue to bring out the article but he was not about to do so.<br>"That is not it at all."  
>"10, then."<br>Izaya clasped her hands in his.  
>"Namie! I knew that you liked me. I mean, I do not see how anyone can fail to like me but still-"<br>"Does it mean that your relationship is progressing?"  
>The therapist could not even begin to imagine how it could be so.<br>"It is the same as it has always been: it's a stable work relationship since I have no intention of finding another job any time in the near future."


	16. Chapter 16

Izaya sighed. Namie proceeded.  
>"Unless of course I receive a better offer."<br>"Hey! You can't do that, what would I do without you?"  
>"Yagiri-san, I meant your personal relationship with Orihara-san."<br>Which was supposed the whole point of attending couple therapy at all but he could see how Yagiri-san might have missed it.  
>"Personal? It is about 2."<br>Izaya nearly fell off the chair yet again. For once the therapist saw him genuinely upset.  
>"Namie! How can you say that, 2 out of 10! That's a horrible score!"<br>"It used to be considerably lower. You gained an extra point by choosing a robot convention as a date. Even if I suspect your intentions were less than candid."  
>Izaya was not impressed by this.<br>"What do you mean I gained a point? So it was at 1 before...?"  
>"It is basic arithmetic, Izaya."<br>Izaya flung himself backwards and heaved a deep sigh.  
>"Orihara-san, it's not too bad. You are improving, clearly there is a positive evolution."<br>It was a rather lame consolation and the therapist was very aware of it but Izaya was Izaya. And immediately saw the light not just glimmering at the end of the tunnel but shining on him as the chosen individual he was.  
>"Indeed! Little by little I will conquer your heart, Namie!"<br>"As long as you don't forget to pay me on time."  
>The disconnect was so obvious that the therapist began to wonder if it might not be the way in which these two insane people gelled. After all, as attractive and successful as they might be, neither Orihara-san nor Yagiri-san were exactly meant to be in any romantic relationship and if they paired with anyone else they'd end up ruining two couples instead of simply being a crackpot couple of sorts that somehow worked in its own dysfunctional way.<br>"Orihara-san, Yagiri-san, today we will work on compromising. I am afraid that neither of you finds it very easy to compromise so we will work on that next. I want each of you to write five requests that you would like the other one to follow. These must be things that you are actually doable by the other party and not things you might really like but know for a fact won't happen. That means no talk about marriage, Orihara-san."  
>The therapist glanced sharply at him as he added this and Izaya nodded gloomily enough. Apparently the fall off the bed had sobered him up considerably when it came to his marital fantasies.<br>"Surely you don't expect me to just go along with whatever he decides?"  
>"No, the idea is to negotiate. You will each take turn with your proposals and then discuss them. The idea is to come to a compromise that both of you are happy with."<br>Izaya bounced up and down.  
>"Why, that is a great idea doc!"<br>"One more thing, keep your requests that can be done now and not in the distant future. And don't talk to each other until you are done, then we'll take turns presenting the requests."  
>The therapist handed them sheets of paper and watched with a smile as they wrote. Both did not hesitate and seemed to know precisely what they wanted to ask of the other.<br>"Alright, who wants to go first-"  
>"Me, me, me, me, pick me!"<br>Izaya waved a hand in the air like an overly enthusiastic first grader.  
>"Orihara-san, go ahead."<br>"I want you to let me hold your hand in public."  
>The therapist was surprised at how reasonable it was. Namie, however, gave no quarter:<br>"No."  
>"Oh come on! Why not?"<br>"Because I don't like it."  
>Izaya sighed with even more emphasis and glanced at the therapist as if for support.<br>"Yagiri-san, how about you let Orihara-san hold your hand when you take a stroll?"  
>"I suppose."<br>Izaya must have been a fan of the Oprah show because he now jumped, landing on the chair upon which he stood most gleefully.  
>"Yes! The future looks bright!"<br>"Will you come down already?"  
>"In a second. Just enjoying the moment."<br>But Izaya was wise enough to obey least she sent him sprawling without much of an effort. The therapist was left wondering how anyone could take such acrobatic liberties with furniture, particularly wheeled swivel chairs, without falling and yet still manage to hurt himself by being pushed off bed. It was a mystery. It made him wonder just how Izaya acted after sex.  
>"Yagiri-san, your turn."<br>"No sex during work hours."  
>"Why!"<p> 


	17. Chapter 17

"I have told you already. I do not want to have to pick up the slack as it always happens."  
>"But, but, but- that is rather cruel of you. Tell you what, new rule. Sex during work hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Deal?"<br>"Fine. It is better than the way things currently are."  
>"Yay. Okay, I want us to actually sleep together at least every now and then. As in, actually sleeping side by side."<br>The therapist had to ask.  
>"Don't you normally do that?"<br>"Ah, unfortunately we don't. Namie ships me off to sleep on the sofa. Saddening, isn't it?"  
>Namie seemed to consider it.<br>"No."  
>Izaya sank into the seat.<br>"Why, oh why. I don't even snore."  
>"I value my personal space."<br>"Okay, how about we sleep together when we don't have anything scheduled for the following day? I'll pick up the slack like I said so we'll have more free days."  
>"I suppose that can be arranged."<br>The therapist half expected Izaya to do another crazy jump but he simply spun around contently. The therapist was surprised at how reasonable and even touching Izaya's demands were.  
>"If I need you in person for my gene research I want you to be present in the facilities and to behave accordingly."<br>"Yes, m'am! We are so making progress, aren't we doc?"  
>The therapist was not too sure but Izaya did not give him any chance of contradicting him and rushed ahead.<br>"Namie, I'd really like if we could go on this double date...but I don't think you'd go along with it."  
>"Obviously not."<br>"Ah, yes, of course. I guess it means that we lose this round."  
>She lifted an eyebrow.<br>"Lose what?"  
>"Shinra – that's the four eye doctor – was going on about how much he loves his girlfriend and how happy they are together and whatnot. You know, sickening stuff like that. So I wanted to show him that we're a much better couple than he and Celty. But I guess it's out of the question. Oh well, it can't be helped."<br>Izaya smiled in a conciliatory manner. Namie tossed her mane of hair over her shoulder in her trademark gesture.  
>"Orihara, if you expect me to ever lose to that second rate quack in anything then I must inform you that you are gravely mistaken."<br>"Ah, but whatever can we do?"  
>"Go on this double date, obviously. As if you had not planned ahead fully knowing I'd say that."<br>Izaya blinked and looked most innocent.  
>"I was hoping, with all my heart, but how could I possibly know-"<br>"Cut the crap. So, name the date. When is this taking place?"  
>"Tomorrow, dinner at Simon's place. Russia Sushi that is. I'll pick you up at, say, 8. Also, would it be too forward if I were to choose your outfit myself?"<br>"Yes it would but I am making an exception here. I refuse to be beaten in any area by that unqualified person."  
>Namie did not quite thunder, she did not need to, her clipped tone and chilly eyes said it all.<br>"Then it's settled! Doc, you'll totally be rooting for us, I hope. Don't worry, I have a small camera device – now don't glare at me like that, Namie, we have to start acting all loving around each other – so you'll be able to see and hear everything in real time and in HD! Great, isn't it?"  
>The therapist was not too sure if this was at all a good idea but clearly both Namie and Izaya were sold on it. And with this drastic move the rest of the exercise on compromising was chucked.<p>

This was how the therapist found himself sitting across a screen and staring anxiously at it. He more than suspected that it was highly illegal, this kind of spying on unsuspecting people but he was so curious to see how the weird couple would interact with outsiders that he could not help wanting to see just what would happen. It might be the same impulse that makes people slow to take peek at a traffic accident.  
>Not surprisingly the other couple was rather weird too. The guy wore a lab coat for reasons unknown and the girl, well, insisted on wearing a helmet with cat ears and apparently used a PDA to communicate. More, no one seemed to find this strange in the least so it must be common place for them.<br>The therapist was a bit disappointed that they picked a private room, he was looking forward to some chaos involving actual normal people but this was still very interesting.


	18. Chapter 18

"Orihara-kun, you actually came!"  
>"Of course. We wouldn't miss it for the world. Now would we, darling?"<br>"Indeed."  
>The therapist nearly dropped off his seat. Namie was wearing a black dress with a very low back, it suited her perfectly but he was not used of seeing her in such a light. Also, she was doing a great job at being the happy girlfriend. The therapist suspected that she was thinking about gene sequencing or perhaps about winning at all costs to smile so beautifully. Whatever she was thinking it did the trick. Yagiri Namie looked absolutely stunning. The therapist was even a bit taken aback, he did not know exactly how to face her when he next met them for therapy.<br>They settled around the low table, Shinra pouring sake with a sweet smile that the therapist did not at all buy. Celty seemed to want the floor to swallow her up.  
>"Namie-san, it is rare to actually see you outside the lab or working. Unless you're running some errand for Orihara-kun?"<br>The therapist held his breath. He could almost see Namie blurting out that this was indeed work and that she would rather be twirling test tubes. Instead Namie took the sake bottle and poured Izaya a cup.  
>"We haven't had a date in ages, right Izaya? So we had to take this opportunity for relaxing and just being together with friends."<br>For a split second even Izaya was shocked but he recovered easily and smiled so happily that the therapist could see that every now and then he did have a lot of charm.  
>"Yes, we've both been so terribly busy as of late. By the way, Celty, the fish here is stupendous. I hope that you enjoy it."<br>This sounded a normal enough remark in a social environment but clearly it was not so. Judging by the reactions around the table the therapist saw that there was more to it than a platitude.  
>[Sorry, not very hungry tonight]<br>"Such a shame."  
>"Celty doesn't need to eat! She is perfect as she is!"<br>Shinra looked at her in the most loving manner that the therapist found a bit disturbing. He did not want to counsel this couple and hoped it would not come to that. Izaya was nodding.  
>"Speaking of perfect, the other night Namie cooked the most delicious meal ever. What was it called again?"<br>"Liquid nitrogen cooked salmon."  
>"Extraordinary technique. It takes an intelligent person to know how to use the ingredients to well."<br>The therapist almost whistled. Clearly, Namie and Izaya had actually rehearsed this routine ahead but it still seemed very smooth and natural. The therapist had no doubt that Namie had never cooked for Izaya apart from heating up meals in the microwave and even that not willingly. And somehow this remark also seemed to be a jibe because Celty stiffened and proceeded to type frantically.  
>[That's all very good but it helps if you can actually taste the food!]<br>Shinra waved dismissively.  
>"I don't think using scientific knowledge in the kitchen is all that great. In fact, food should come from the heart, that's what makes it tasty! And Celty's cooking is always full of love."<br>Namie snickered in a most ladylike manner. It was impressive.  
>"Love is only more powerful when combined with science."<br>Izaya nearly dropped his cup then he beamed, rubbing his hands together as trays of neatly assorted sushi bits arrived.  
>"It is very touching that you'd go to that extent for me."<br>The therapist was still trying to wrap his head around Namie's unexpected line. That she could utter it in such a serious and earnest way was beyond surprising. But Shinra was not defeated.  
>"True love should never be a sacrifice, the sacrifices made for love are pleasurable!"<br>Celty facepalmed at this or to be more accurate she helmet-palmed. Namie ignored all this and proceeded to select a fatty portion of ootoro that she fed to Izaya, sliding her fingers between his parted lips. Izaya returned the favor. The therapist wondered if it might not be better for them to just find a room. Shinra coughed and elbowed Celty.  
>[What did you do that for? Oh! Right]<br>Celty hesitated in how to go about it but she did feed Shinra a nigiri. But it was obvious she was not all that comfortable, Izaya and Namie acted as if they did this every time they had dinner together.


	19. Chapter 19

"Shinra, did you know that Namie is making some amazing developments in the area of genetics? I thought that you'd be interested since it's up your alley area, more or less."  
>"I wouldn't have managed without your cooperation."<br>And Namie offered Izaya a slab of fresh tuna.  
>"Namie-san, you work for Orihara-kun, don't you?"<br>"That's right."  
>"Hmm...it sounds so strange. I mean, is that a real relationship when there are so many interests involved? Interests extraneous to love, I mean!"<br>[Shinra, I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean...]  
>"My dear Celty, I was just wondering if you can call it a loving relationship when the people involved are boss and employee. That's all."<br>Shinra was all smiles. Izaya replied in tone, his smile every bit as fake.  
>"Working together is the best. We spend so much time working that we wouldn't <em>survive<em> if we weren't together. Just catching up late at night when work is done or on the weekends is just not the same."  
>"Besides, working together strengths our bonds. We learn to trust each other completely."<br>Izaya lightly touched Namie's hand.  
>"I would put my life in Namie's hands."<br>Shinra looked slightly sick. The therapist could very well understand why. It occurred to him that Namie and Izaya would make a perfect romantic duo in a whacky movie. Shinra coughed.  
>[Don't choke on the fish! I knew it, this food looks dangerous.]<br>"When it comes to spending time together it is a matter of quality over quantity. Five minutes with Celty are more than a million years with anyone else!"  
>Izaya chuckled and added in a half whisper, just loud enough to make sure he was bound to be overheard.<br>"I bet that five minutes is about as much as Shinra lasts, too."  
>Namie giggled and nibbled on a slab of salmon. The therapist had always pictured Namie as the geek kid in high school, the girl that ignores all the cliques and just focuses on studies and lab tests but he suddenly saw her as a mean girl back in the day. It was rather disturbing. He did not even want to imagine how it would be if Namie took to bullying. She would probably climb her way to the top of the social pyramid by crushing minor bullies under her feet. Yagiri Namie was indeed frightening.<br>Out of nowhere a shadow scythe formed, the tip aimed at Izaya.  
>[Take that back, don't you dare badmouth Shinra!]<br>Said Shinra turned eyes sparkly with unshed tears to Celty.  
>"Celty! My love!"<br>The therapist was surprised to see that Izaya and Namie did not seem at all bothered. Izaya put up his hands in mock surrendered. Apparently supernatural events did not faze them much. The therapist could not even venture an explanation for the weird shadowy substance that seemed to morph at Celty's will.  
>"Ah, so sorry. But really, getting all riled up does make us wonder whether we are on to something."<br>"Indeed. One does wonder."  
>Shinra gestured the scythe away and Celty obeyed reluctantly.<br>"I can't expect you to understand the depths of mine and Celty's love. It goes beyond the physical. We are not shallow."  
>Heavily implying that Izaya and Namie were so. Shinra carried on.<br>"Besides, as great as working together might be, it does not hold a candle to living under the same roof. Celty and I have been living together for twenty years now and we are very happy."  
>Some spurts of dark stuff appeared in the air. Izaya lifted an eyebrow.<br>"Eh? My, that's a long time indeed. And you haven't tied the knot yet? How strange."  
>[That's none of your business!]<br>Izaya put up his hands.  
>"Do forgive me, I did not mean to pry. It is just that I assume that marriage would be the next step since you are so fond of domestic bliss."<br>The therapist could not help but wonder where all this was going.  
>"Celty and I don't need a public marriage. A private ceremony is much more romantic anyway."<br>"Hmm...that is a way of seeing it, I suppose."  
>Shinra was on something of a roll.<br>"We don't need the State to tell us that our love is real!"  
>[Shinra, calm down.]<br>Izaya selected a bit of fish eggs with great care and offered them to Namie.  
>"Did you know, flying fish eggs aren't advisable for pregnant women."<br>"No need to worry about that just yet."  
>"But soon...?"<br>Namie merely smiled and nodded. Celty conveyed the therapist's feelings:  
>[The world is doomed!]<p> 


	20. Chapter 20

Izaya busied himself looking most lovingly at Namie. Shinra tapped on the table to break the rather creepy mood.  
>"You might want to give it some thought before you start a family. Since I've heard that you've been going to couple therapy. Having problems with your relationship?"<br>Izaya's smile had more than a hint of antagonism to it.  
>"Not at all. We just chose to improve our communication skills, that is all."<br>"Celty and I can't possibly do that because we are already perfect as a couple! Isn't that right, Celty?"  
>The therapist could see that she had her doubts. As far as he could see, she was the sanest of the bunch, helmet or no helmet.<br>[I suppose]  
>Namie coughed and whispered to Izaya just loud enough to make sure that everyone overheard her.<br>"I suppose that reproduction is impossible for them. After all, the production of fertile offspring is the very definition of a species and they clearly do not qualify as belonging to the same. And in their case one of the parties is not even a carbon based life form."  
>The therapist could only guess what this was all about. Meanwhile Izaya had put on his best fake contrite face and the two of them looked at Celty and Shinra as if they were ever so sorry for them. Celty flinched and Shinra jumped to the opportunity.<br>"That only means that our love is exceptional! After all, nothing is more run of the mill than two humans 'in love' but for a human and a Dullahan to have such a connection it is truly amazing."  
>Celty shook her helmet in obvious distaste at such tactics but Izaya and Namie shared a look that told the therapist that they were about to regroup and regain lost ground. Namie served Izaya another cup of <em>sake<em>.  
>"That is indeed great and all but you should not underestimate the power of love between humans. After all, there are so many experiences we can share because we both have a nervous system."<br>Izaya smiled at his own witticism.  
>"Are you sure don't mean 'experiments'? Namie-san would surely love to hack you into bits and pieces in the name of science."<br>The therapist knew that it was indeed so but Namie shrugged it off.  
>"Absolutely not. Izaya is too important to me and all contributions he gives to the endeavors of science are in the shape of non-intrusive samples."<br>"Semen samples, in fact. We like to join pleasure with utility."  
>Celty typed frantically.<br>[That's too much information! You guys are having dinner here!]  
>Namie fed Izaya another juicy bit of fish. The therapist was baffled, these two deserved an Oscar.<br>"Celty and I don't need any weird science play, we just need each other to keep it going all night long."  
>Even more frantic typing, fingers flying over the keyboard.<br>[Shinra! What are you telling them that for?]  
>The therapist wondered as well. Namie apparently did not believe that they were disclosing too much personal information as it is and decided to up the ante.<br>"In terms of sexual fitness Izaya is flawless. Especially in terms of sperm count."  
>"That's not very romantic. Finding such things in a laboratory. It's very impersonal."<br>Namie smiled in a very Izaya-manner and even leaned forward.  
>"Who said anything about laboratories? I know about that his sperm count is very high from the taste alone."<br>Izaya dropped a nigiri. Celty dropped her PDA. Shinra gaped a few times. Namie looked positively smug and beautiful beyond measure.  
>[Can you tell such a thing from- anyway, this is dinner, dinner! What kind of a topic is this anyway?]<br>The therapist was stunned as well and he was used to Izaya/Namie craziness. Izaya emptied his _sake_ and the therapist wondered how things would be if he got drunk. But clearly Izaya was still very much sober and ready to take a jab, the kind that the therapist could not follow.  
>"It's the kind of thing that takes having an actual head on one's shoulders, isn't it?"<br>Shinra grabbed Celty's hand.  
>"Again, you are very petty and sex obsessed. Our love is purer, the sex just flows from that!"<br>[Don't tell him that! Shinra, you're getting caught up in their pace!]  
>To Shinra's credit the therapist knew just how easy it was to get caught up in that.<br>"Namie and I share many interests. It is not as if all we do is work and sleep together."


	21. Chapter 21

This at least was true. They also had the strangest arguments and Namie could be more than a bit hostile and cold while Izaya's love struck act was that of a teenage boy, hormones ranging plus stalking tendencies. It was a deadly combination. Izaya carried on.  
>"Also, when it comes to experimenting on one's significant other, weren't you the one who actually dissected Celty back in the day?"<br>"That was a way of proving my love for her!"  
>[No, it wasn't! Why are humans so creepy, at times?]<br>Namie stared studiously at a piece of roe.  
>"Apparently you are not a united front."<br>As if Namie and Izaya were one.  
>"Celty and I are both individuals so at times we don't agree. Diversity only strengthens our love!"<br>Izaya pretended to be mildly impressed. Shinra continued.  
>"Besides, Orihara-kun loves all humans last time I checked. That doesn't seem like true dedication to Namie-san to <em>me<em>."  
>"Namie represents all of humanity to me."<br>"That is veering on Platonic now."  
>Namie shrugged.<br>"I hardly see what is so Platonic about Izaya and I given how active our sex life is."  
>[Not that again! Can't you people talk about something else? Anything else!]<br>"Hmm...Namie, how about you tell Celty the staggering odds against the planet Earth being the only environment with intelligent life?"  
>"Given the quantity of planets that have been yet to be properly explored-"<br>[Just forget I said anything. Go back to your strange sex talk if you want. It's better than aliens. I don't know how you can be so calm about it, if aliens exist then what are we going to do!]  
>"Celty, I will kill all aliens for you so don't worry!"<br>"Next time I'll lend you my copy of War of the Worlds."  
>"In the end the aliens' deficient immune system destroys them."<br>Izaya pouted.  
>"Namie, you just spoiled the story..."<br>"How about we invite her over to watch Alien?"  
>[Enough already!]<br>The therapist blinked a few times. He did not see where this talk about humans was going but apparently Celty was afraid of aliens and it was not at all surprising that Izaya would exploit it.  
>"By the way, Namie-san. It must be very difficult being Orihara-kun's...'woman', I suppose is the best way of term it."<br>She narrowed her eyes.  
>"What do you mean?"<br>"Of course, I believe it when he says you're the pinnacle of womanly virtue – he's wrong, that is Celty! – but still. But given Orihara-kun's tendencies to stray across the gender line it's bound to happen that he'll hook up with some guy that is his type. Since it's his nature."  
>Namie shrugged again. The therapist noticed that Izaya was going to say something only to withhold at the very last moment and to focus his attention on Namie. She cleaned her hands on a small wet towel and tossed her hair over a shoulder.<br>"There is no problem in that regard. I only need to use my strap-on dildo and top him. Problem more than solved since I know what to do with it."  
>Izaya was not holding anything or he would have dropped it. Celty dropped the PDA again but picked it up right away while Shinra was still gaping.<br>[Don't look so proud saying that! My image of you is ruined forever, then again I suppose it's in character since you're so...well, you. But still!]  
>The therapist did not want to picture it but it was impossible to do otherwise. And he could not help but wonder if this just happened to be true. Namie and Izaya clearly had an agenda and it included lying through their teeth but there was some truth to it and this was very well might be it. Judging by the way Izaya actually blushed, too.<br>"Er, sexual orientation only heightens my love for Namie."  
>"That's still nothing compared to love between species!"<br>[Don't put it like that! So I'm not a person, technically that is, but for all practical purposes I am!]  
>Namie piped,<br>"Minus a head, that is."  
>"Darling, let us not talk about that. We should be kind to those less fortunate than ourselves."<br>Now this was so blatant a lie that the entire table sighed.  
>"You can talk all you want but I know Celty better than the palm of my hand!"<br>"Minus her head, that is."  
>Namie had found a theme. Shinra gesticulated.<br>"Celty is perfect without a head! More, the real Celty doesn't have a head so I don't need to know it to be ever so familiar with her."  
>[...I blame your father, I really do.]<p> 


	22. Chapter 22

Shinra perked up his ears at this. A new strategy occurred to him.  
>"My father has already given us his blessing. I wonder how your families feel about your relationship. Considering how much Namie-san likes her brother, if he were to veto Orihara-kun. What would happen?"<br>For a second Izaya could not completely hide acute anxiety. He glanced at Namie rapidly and then fixed one of those perfect smiles of his. Celty shivered. Shinra had a moment of triumph. The therapist was on the edge of the seat. More than a double date this was shaping up to be a battle of wits and improvisation. The therapist felt a bit guilty over being so enthralled.  
>"Seiji is not a problem."<br>Izaya believed that Seiji was always a problem but he was glad that Namie was still sticking to their plan.  
>"Right but if he did not approve? Could your love survive such a blow? As for me, I told my father that it doesn't matter what he thought or did! He can disinherit me, if it comes to choosing between him or Celty I choose Celty without as much as a second thought! Celty is my whole life."<br>[Ah…I'm glad you like me but putting it like that is a bit…]  
>Shinra carried on.<br>"In fact, I wonder who is more important to Namie-san. She does live with her brother, after all. And not with Orihara-kun."  
>Izaya flailed a bit and rushed to the rescue. The therapist could tell that Izaya was in a pinch.<br>"Our siblings are very young and they still need our guidance so it figures that Namie would stay with her brother for the time being."  
>"But your sisters don't live with you."<br>The therapist found himself rooting for Izaya to somehow turn this around. He was not supposed to take sides but it was impossible. Crazy or not, Izaya and Namie were the therapist's couple and he felt committed to seeing them win.  
>Namie chimed in.<br>"Seiji needs proper discipline and Izaya and I provide it. I wouldn't obviously let a teenager dictate my relationship. Whether Seiji likes it or not, we are a positive influence in his life and he will just have to put up with it. We are responsible adults. "  
>"Precisely! I am something of a father figure to Seiji-kun."<br>[Now that explains so much!]  
>The therapist had to admire the flair with which Izaya could spin a tale. Just recently Izaya had considered getting rid of Seiji and even gone to the extent of telling the therapist as much.<br>"I am sure Seiji will be happy when we name our firstborn after him. That way I can combine my duties as an older sister with forming a new family."  
>[!]<p>

Clearly a most disturbing prospect. Shinra coughed.  
>"Even if it's a girl? I guess little brother comes first after all!"<br>Namie gave him one of those scornful looks.  
>"I would not obviously let gender up to chance. I can manipulate the embryo to result in a male offspring."<br>Izaya wiped an actual tear.  
>"Namie…!"<br>And Izaya kissed her fully in the mouth. It seemed to last the longest of times.  
>[This is a restaurant! Not a love hotel!]<br>Shinra reached a decision. He removed Celty's helmet and swirls of the strange dark material sprang up from her neck above which there was indeed no head. At this point he spread his arms before wrapping them around her and rubbing his cheek against the black stuff, whatever it was.  
>"Celty!"<br>Said Celty jumped, scrambled for the PDA that had fallen somewhere along the way and did not bother with the helmet.  
>[That's it! You need new friends, Shinra! Decent ones for a change and you guys, get a room already! I am out of here!]<br>And with this she stormed out of the room putting on the helmet, Shinra on her heels.  
>"Wait up, Celty!"<br>Namie and Izaya were left alone. Apparently oblivious to the world in the middle of a serious make out session. Then Namie pushed Izaya aside and smiled with more than a hit of wickedness.  
>"We won. As was to be expected, it is impossible for a third rate quacks to be match for me."<br>The therapist thought to himself that Namie too had something of megalomania to her. Izaya nodded enthusiastically and jumped up and down.  
>"So true! Go us! Now, to pick up where we were-"<br>"I am going back to the lab."  
>"Wait, why…?"<br>"My work here is done."  
>"Let's go to hotel, then-"<br>"I have things to do."  
>Izaya glanced down to indicate an all too obvious bulge in his pants.<br>"But, but…"  
>"Use your hands."<p> 


	23. Chapter 23

Ten minutes later Izaya summoned the therapist to the restaurant's private room.  
>"Ah, mixed results doc. We ran the enemy off the battlefield but still, it did not turn out the way I wanted."<br>"Enemy…?"  
>"Yes. Shinra and Celty are the enemy. Quite a disappointing outcome, though! What should I do?"<br>Izaya availed himself of a bottle and sake and emptied most of it.  
>"Orihara-san, alcohol is not the answer."<br>"Easy for you to say! Poor me. I am embarrassed to admit this, I really am, but it's a little over 72 hours since I had sex. My libido is starved."  
>The therapist, whose sex life was far from amazing, nearly gasped.<br>"You shouldn't be so caught up on sex."  
>"Maybe but it hurts, it hurts. Doc, what do you think of aphrodisiacs? I'm desperate enough to give them a go. The problem is that I am almost sure Namie would notice them right away. Since she has mad chemistry skills. There is also a chance that she won't care much if the aphrodisiacs actually have an effect but I have my doubts."<br>"Orihara-san, that kind of thing is illegal."  
>Izaya sighed and finished the bottle.<br>"It's unfair, I have a hot girlfriend and still have to jerk off on my own. That's fine for basement dwelling losers and otakus but not me!"  
>Izaya pouted and sobbed. The therapist did not quite know what to say.<br>"Perhaps you should focus on the positives?"  
>The therapist did not exactly know what these might be but Izaya perked up immediately.<br>"You're right! Think about it, Namie said that our relationship is a 2 out of 10, pretty bad but we still see some action. So imagine how it'll be when we get it to 10! It'll be whole days of sexing, I just know it!"  
>The therapist wondered if Izaya might not be a tad drunk.<br>"Anyway, we should get you home."  
>"Love is such an ordeal, doc. The things I do for love! Want to drink some more?"<br>"Enough drinking for the night."  
>"Reading loud and clear. And I agree with you hundred per cent. I need stay sober to come up with my next plan."<br>"Next plan…?"  
>"Of course. Now, I was going to rough off Seiji like I told you but something else occurred to me. I will bribe him instead!"<br>"Bribe him?"  
>Izaya frowned.<br>"Now doc, I don't need an echo here. Work with me. It is very simple: Seiji-kun needs money, Namie keeps him on a tight budget – a smart movie all around, although shipping him to Siberia would be so much better – so he is always scurrying for money. It just so happens that I have plenty to spare. All I've got to do is give him some pocket change and in return he will tell onee-chan about how wonderful I am!"  
>"Orihara-san, I don't think that's a good idea."<br>But Izaya was no longer paying attention.  
>"I wonder if I should go as far as to get creepy Seiji-kun to go 'Onee-chan, you should marry Orihara-san, it would make me so happy' or even, 'Onee-chan I'd like to become an uncle', or would that be going too far…hmm…anyway! The point is, I must use the Seiji factor to my advantage!"<br>"I don't see how that would work."  
>"That's because you don't know Seiji-kun. Oh, I could get a fake head and bribe him with that! That would most definitely work! It's amazing how Namie got all the smart genes along with the hot body, Seiji must have inherited everything else."<br>"Have you discussed this gene aspect with Yagiri-san?"  
>Izaya shook his head.<br>"I know what you're thinking, Namie sure loves genes but criticizing Seiji-kun is a big no-no."  
>"Orihara-san, how does Seiji-kun feel about you?"<br>Izaya sighed.  
>"Ah, it pains to say that I don't think he is aware of my existence."<br>"Really?"  
>"Shocking, isn't it? What a sad life his must be, to think that he does not know about the great Orihara Izaya! I am almost sorry for him."<br>Megalomania again.  
>"I thought Yagiri-san would have introduced you two. And considering how much you know of him I assumed that you were acquainted."<br>"I am an informant, doc. I don't need to directly know someone to know all about them. In Seiji-kun's case there is not much to know, monomaniac people are like that."  
>Izaya punched some keys in his cellphone, talking as he did so.<br>"All clear, Namie's at the lab. It would be very unfortunate if she were about to come back at this point."  
>"Did you plant a tracking device on Yagiri-san…?"<p> 


	24. Chapter 24

"Indeed! Had to, how else would I know where she is? To be more accurate, I planted a tracking device in her cell phone. Anyway, back to the subject at hand: I've tried in my own ways to solve the Seiji-kun issue."  
>"Orihara-san, I cannot approve of that kind of thing."<br>Izaya waved dismissively.  
>"Nothing illegal or even intrusive in any way, Namie would have my head on a plate otherwise! All I did was check his DNA against hers. Who knows, considering how different they are maybe they are not really related after all!"<br>"Is that very likely?"  
>"No. It isn't, but I had to explore all avenues. Imagine if it turned out Seiji-kun was adopted? Or a half-brother, same mother and different father? It might very well change things as far as Namie is concerned. She is all about blood ties and all, she feels responsible for her blood relatives."<br>"Orihara-san, that is still a breach in Yagiri-san's privacy."  
>Izaya shrugged. For someone who had bugged the love of his life's house from top to bottom, privacy was hardly an issue.<br>"Sadly, they are indeed siblings. So much for that. I sent it to overseas labs too, just in case Namie might catch wind of it."  
>"I see…"<br>Izaya was getting animated, plenty of gesticulating followed. Probably too much drink.  
>"Personally, I don't see why older siblings should be at all held accountable for what their younger siblings do. I mean, if one's little sister is to steal someone's bra and plant drugs in a bully's locker, how is one to be blamed? Clearly, one had nothing to do with it."<br>Izaya nodded at his own wisdom.  
>"Are you talking about one of your sisters?"<br>"Maybe. But that's not here or now. Back to Seiji-kun, something just came to me! In my darkest hour is when I am at my smartest. Of course, I am always smart but you know what I mean."  
>"Something occurred to you, you say…?"<br>"This is how it's going to go down: you will advise Namie that we need to opt for family bonding!"  
>The therapist was silent for a second.<br>"Orihara-san, I've told you before that I don't think you're at all ready for parenthood-"  
>"I don't mean that, pay attention. Family bonding means that Namie and I will spend some time with Seiji-kun as a family would! It is perfect. Of course, it'll be boring as I'm sure she'll ignore me – so sad, isn't it? – but it will show that I care for the creepy brat. That is bound to move Namie's heart!"<br>"I am not sure this is a good idea but I suppose that it might improve your relationship, to get members of the family involved."  
>Maybe the craziness would diminish if it is divided by more people.<br>"Exactly. How come I didn't think of this before? It is perfect! Now, Namie seems to think that I care too much about sex – preposterous, I know! – but this will prove to her how much I care. Later, after Creepo-kun's bedtime, I can get it on with her! Profit all around! Worth putting up with Creepo-kun for a while! Namie will get all, 'Izaya, ravage my body like the sexy beast you are'. Absolute profit!"  
>The therapist wondered if Izaya was not indeed drunk. It was either that or a case of extreme delusion.<br>"Orihara-san, I very much doubt that will happen."  
>"Ah, and to make me come across as purely innocent I will tell her that I didn't bring a condom which will of course lead her to say that it is no matter! Oh, happiness."<br>"…do you even hear what I say?"  
>But Izaya was on a roll, having gone from dejection to one of his ungrounded fits of euphoria.<p>

As it turned out, the therapist was of course asked to attend the family outing. He was surprised to find that the infamous Seiji (and the therapist had difficulty not thinking of him as 'Creepo-kun' thanks to Izaya) was a rather sullen young man with little to say.  
>"Seiji-kun, hello! You must have heard of me by now, I'm Orihara Izaya, your sister's future husband. You can call me 'Nii-chan'".<br>Izaya beamed, his smile stellar and very friendly. Seiji grunted something unintelligible.  
>"Drop the 'future husband' part, Izaya. Your crazy fantasies are just that, fantasies. Seiji, this is my boss, the informant."<br>Seiji condescended to glance briefly at Izaya.  
>"Oh, okay. Nice to meet you, I guess."<br>"I am very happy to finally meet you. I hope that we'll become good friends."


	25. Chapter 25

Izaya's smile was flawless. The therapist was impressed. Seiji was not. Namie checked her watch.  
>"Where are we going anyway?"<br>"I have a surprise for Seiji-kun."  
>Not even this attracted Seiji's attention. The therapist could see just what Izaya meant, Seiji had an aura of creepiness about him. Namie walked ahead briskly so Seiji lagged behind, Izaya took the cue and walked side by side with him.<br>"Seiji-kun, I know that you understand the power a love and how it changes everything."  
>To the therapist's surprise Seiji became most earnest.<br>"No one can get between me and Celty. Our love is perfect."  
>Izaya nodded encouragingly.<br>"Exactly. I don't see you as a kid but as a man who knows about the power of love and the sacrifices it demands of one. You see, I feel the same way about your sister as you feel about Celty. Namie is the light of my life! I hope that you will help my cause."  
>Seiji muttered.<br>"I must get back to Celty."  
>"Of course. Of course you do."<br>Izaya's smile did not look strained at all but the therapist had his doubts. Just as they arrived at a bakery Namie received a call on her phone so Izaya led Seiji inside. The therapist followed.  
>"I prepared this just for you. I am sure that you will like it."<br>Izaya dissolved into his smile as a cake shaped like a girl's head was placed on the counter. It was one of the weirdest moments in the therapist's life but it got considerably weirder when Seiji grabbed the cake and hugged it against his chest, thus destroying the creamy confection altogether.  
>"Celty! No!"<br>One of Izaya's eyebrows twitched. In his case it meant that he was very nervous. He cast a glance outside but Namie was still talking on the phone.  
>"I'll order another cake, no worries."<br>"YOU'VE KILLED CELTY!"  
>Izaya took a step back.<br>"Er, Seiji-kun, that was a cake shaped like Celty. It wasn't the real Celty. You know that, right? The cake isn't a lie!"  
>"I'LL GET YOU!"<br>Seiji charged ahead, Izaya was ready to use the therapist as a shield when Namie burst into the scene and held Seiji by the collar of his shirt.  
>"What is the meaning of this?"<br>"Nee-san! He killed Celty!"  
>Namie saw the messy pastry on the floor and the stain on Seiji's shirt.<br>"That is cake."  
>"Oh. Cake."<br>"What's the big idea, Izaya? Explain yourself."  
>Her tone was icy.<br>"It was a surprise, I wanted to give a Celty themed cake to Seiji-kun."  
>"I don't need any cake, all I need is Celty."<br>Izaya winced. Namie sighed. An awkward moment followed.  
>"Apologize for causing all this commotion, Seiji."<br>A small crowd of onlookers was gathering. Seiji stared at Izaya with all the hate in the world then muttered,  
>"Sorry."<br>Namie had a car brought over and ushered Seiji inside to be driven away. Izaya tiptoed to her.  
>"And <em>you<em>, I'll have a word with you."  
>"Ah…okay, Namie. So sorry it did not go the way I hoped-"<br>"Just what were you thinking? You very well know that I am trying to wean Seiji out of this head obsession. You are only feeding it."  
>Izaya twiddled his thumbs and looked miserable like a little boy about to get grounded.<br>"I was just trying to make him happy and be friends…"  
>"And look how that turned out."<br>"Sorry…but everyone loves cake. I was shooting for a big brother-like part here."  
>"Do you give your sisters cake?"<br>"All the time! Cake is a bonding experience. I also ordered a mini cupcake with Seiji's face just for you."  
>Said item arrived. Izaya presented it rather tentatively as if he half expected her to throw it at him. Namie studied the cupcake.<br>"The similitude is remarkable."  
>"It's a top bakery after all."<br>"I thought you were having another of your delusions and brought me here to show off a wedding cake or something else equally unreasonable. But it seems that your intentions were good for once."  
>"I just wanted to be friendly…"<br>"It backfired but I don't entirely blame you."  
>"Yay!"<br>Izaya was tempted to go on about love but fortunately he remembered that he was still on thin ice and held back. After winking at the therapist.  
>"Let's go, we have things to discuss."<br>"Sure thing! Want to bring some vanilla cakes for kinky purposes? Oh, how about chocolate syrup to pour all over your body?"  
>"I said 'discuss', not have sex. Your true nature is showing again."<p> 


	26. Chapter 26

"My heart is in the right place, Namie."  
>Izaya's mood soared.<br>"We are going to come up with a step by step plan for eradicating Seiji's obsession and we are starting now."  
>"Eh…? Right now…? How about the chocolate syrup-"<br>"Not going to happen so might as well give up."  
>The therapist too was dragged into a car that sped away to some unknown destination. Somehow Izaya did not seem particularly phased.<br>"I got a special cake mold with Seiji-kun's face, I was thinking that you could gather in the kitchen on weekend mornings and have a wholesome family baking event. Not that I think you are into baking, you probably have no such interests but-"  
>"Baking is a form of chemistry. It is science and I obviously am skilled in that area."<br>Izaya gasped comically.  
>"Namie, you know how to bake? What a surprise! To think that are things about you that I do not know despite all my research! It is amazing, it goes to show that no matter how much information you may have there is still more to be obtained. Ah, normally I don't like sweet things but I'd totally eat a cake baked by you! I can see it now, Namie whipping cream until it gets all frothy, wearing nothing but a naked apron, then specks of vanilla falling on her pretty nose-"<br>"Fasten your seatbelt and stop thinking out loud, it's disturbing."  
>The therapist had a feeling that Namie would spice up the cake with cyanide.<br>"By the way, where are we going?"  
>The therapist wanted to know as well.<br>"Into a special compound for a lockdown session."  
>"My, that sounds so kinky."<br>Izaya was still beaming but it was cut short as Namie abruptly fastened his seatbelt for him in such a way so as to nearly choke him.  
>"Our purpose is to find a way of curing Seiji. If there are any distractions around I know that your mind will wander. This way you will stay focused whether you like it or not."<br>"Namie- can't- breathe-"  
>"And you're going to help. Got it?"<br>This was aimed at the therapist who could only nod. This was not at all his area of expertise but clearly it would not do to mention it.  
>When they reached their destination Izaya had to crawl out of the car and huddle on the pavement taking deep breaths. But it was typical of Izaya to spin any and all difficult situations into something positive. As Namie was making preparations (for what exactly the therapist did not even know and was too afraid to ask) Izaya dragged the therapist to the bathroom and locked the stall behind them.<br>"No cameras here, good."  
>"Orihara-san, what are you doing?"<br>"This is a brilliant opportunity. You know all my possible scenarios regarding the Seiji-kun issue?"  
>It was not as if the therapist could ever forget it.<br>"What does that have to do with-"  
>"This is the best possible outcome! With your help I will devise a way of curing Seiji-kun or at least show how committed I am to the project. Between you and I, it's a lost battle as that kid is too far gone and was never too sane to start with. But this will show my good will like nothing else could! Namie is bound to be impressed. After that things will go back to the schedule."<br>"Schedule?"  
>"You know what I mean, doc. Marriage and all that. Because Namie in a wedding dress is a must! Don't forget that you're my right hand man, I'm counting on you."<br>"Orihara-san, I am your therapist. Not your right hand man as you put it-"  
>"I always wanted to have a right hand man to accentuate my coolness but people tend to bail on me. I wonder why. It's either that or they are far too unreliable like Kida-kun. Namie is right, it is so difficult to find decent lackeys in this day and age. That's why you're such a great find!"<br>Despite Izaya's antics the therapist did not expect anyone to even ask for his opinion. Even if Namie had stated otherwise he thought that things would pan out as usual and spin into another crazy argument in which he was a spectator. But he was mistaken.  
>"What do you think we should do? You're the only one with the professional credentials so I will hear you out first."<br>Izaya mumbled something about such an approach being unfair, he wanted the therapist to simply make him come across as ever so amazing, not to take the spotlight.  
>"Yagiri-san, I don't think I am qualified to-"<br>"You better make yourself useful."


	27. Chapter 27

Otherwise it was straight to the bottom of Tokyo Bay with him, the therapist suspected. He sighed and decided to go on a limb.  
>"We can always try electroshock therapy."<br>The therapist fully expected her to shut down such an idea. Instead Namie became rather thoughtful and then turned her eyes steadily on Izaya as if seeing him for the first time. Izaya was clearly unsure of how to react so he shuffled a bit on the seat but still smiled beautifully.  
>"Namie, my dear!"<br>"Let's first try it on him. I would not want any side effects to harm Seiji."  
>Izaya's mouth made a perfect 'o' and looked most hurt. Even the therapist felt sad for him, something that kept happening and yet he did not get used to it.<br>"Hey you don't mind it if I get electroshocked with potential disastrous effects? That's cruel! I know you're a tough woman and I appreciate your sisterly devotion but what about me!"  
>"You always make everything about you. A chronic case of childish ego-centrism."<br>"Doc, say something..."  
>"Yagiri-san, using people as guinea pigs is hardly acceptable. And electroshock therapy is reserved for extreme cases."<br>Izaya was tempted to mumble something nasty about Seiji-kun's many issues.  
>"It might cure Izaya of his sexual mania."<br>"Hey! I don't have a mania, all I want is to hold the woman I love. Besides, we're here to find a cure for Seiji-kun so let's leave me out of the picture for once. See, I can be selfless. I believe in the importance of family."  
>The therapist imagined Izaya running for mayor with this kind of speechifying and doing a good job at it too. He decided to try another approach.<br>"Yagiri-san, Orihara-san, we are going for something different. I'm handing you both a baby doll. You are to take care of it as if it were a real baby and take turns scoring how the other party goes. At the end of two weeks we'll discuss the results."  
>Izaya gasped in delight.<br>"Oh my me, that is such a wonderful idea! We are so ready for that, aren't we Namie!"  
>"No. No, we're not. 'Oh my me'? Do you even listen to what you say?"<br>"Sorry, it's just a habit-"  
>"Also, how is this toy scheme going to at all help Seiji?"<br>The therapist was prepared for this.  
>"I need time to review Seiji-kun's case in detail before I proceed."<br>Namie nodded appreciatively, for once.  
>"That sounds very reasonable. Alright, we'll go with this plan."<br>Izaya bounced on the seat.  
>"Oh yay!"<br>Now that they had agreed the therapist had something else to say.  
>"There is another thing. Orihara-san and Yagiri-san will have to move in together to enforce the plan."<br>Izaya literally squeed.  
>"It's the traditional flour sack thing but with amazing perks! Just like going back to school but ten times cooler! Speaking of that, I've seen pictures of Namie back in her high school days with a delicious sailor uniform. They're my treasures. But I wish you'd give me the pictures instead of forcing me to go through all the stops to locate them. Then again the thrill of looking for hidden Yagiri Namie relics is such a thrill! And naked Namie,"<br>"Izaya? Shut up."  
>Izaya sighed mournfully in that dramatic way of his.<br>"Do we have an agreement, then? Yagiri-san?"  
>Namie shrugged.<br>"I suppose. As long as it's only two weeks."  
>"I am totally up for this! Oh, is it a baby girl or boy?"<br>"What different does it make? It's a piece of plastic."  
>"But Namie, it's important..."<br>The therapist bit his lips in order to hide a smile.  
>"You can always style it as you want, Orihara-san."<br>"Oh, that will be so much fun! We can shop for baby clothes together! It's so perfect, doc! I knew I picked the right person when I chose you then again, being Orihara Izaya I am a great judge of people."  
>Unfortunately this skill did not extend to Izaya's significant other, the therapist noticed yet again.<p>

The toy came with all sorts of special features such as alarm timed crying fits when it was time to change the diaper or feed it; it was also temperature sensitive and changed color accordingly, blue when cold and red when hot. Izaya picked it up right away and spun around as if dancing.  
>"Our baby Namie, our very own baby!"<br>"Except it's a piece of plastic shaped as an infant."  
>"Don't be so literal! Besides, we have to get into the spirit of it. Think of it as an experiment! You're all for experiments, right?"<p> 


	28. Chapter 28

"Fine. Just pick a gender already."  
>Izaya looked most grave.<br>"Now Namie, this is a matter of great importance. We must decide this together."  
>"Let's flip a coin, then."<br>"No way! That's so impersonal. Okay, a girl it is! We can get pretty dresses and things for her."  
>Izaya, plastic baby on tow, led Namie to the baby store and proceeded to go through a vast collection of babygrows.<br>"Can we hurry up already?"  
>"Patience, Namie! You can hold her for a sec."<br>Namie complied but made a show of checking her watch.  
>"This is taking too long. Just pick one already."<br>"Oh, we still need a name! Ideas?"  
>"'Made In Taiwan.'"<br>"Hey, I'm serious..."  
>"On second thought, Made In Japan. Interesting."<br>Namie had just turned the toy upside down to see the inbuilt tag and of course it began to cry. Izaya hurried to hush it.  
>"There, there. It's all good, baby dear."<br>"I wonder what company manufactures these things, they're technically well conceived."  
>They were interrupted by a store attendant.<br>"Hello, what a lovely baby. Are you shopping for clothes?"  
>"Yes! It's our first child, isn't she adorable?"<br>Namie had been right, the toy was very realistic and could pass for an actual baby. It did so now.  
>"She sure is."<br>Namie's curiosity was piqued. After all there was something to be said about a doll being mistaken for the real thing. She saw quite a few commercial avenues here. Izaya held a pink babygrow.  
>"How about this one, Namie? Pretty, isn't it?"<br>Namie held the baby upside down.  
>"Interesting, the blood flows to the head."<br>"Eh, Namie...? Could you be a bit nicer to baby? Since I have to grade you."  
>The doll burst out crying but Namie coolly stared it down.<br>"Quiet or I'll get angry."  
>Even inanimate objects could be brought to fear Namie's wrath. The baby became silent right away.<br>Izaya went all the way and bought a baby carriage. He was absurdly bubbly.  
>"About a name, how about Sakura? So we can keep the pink theme here?"<br>"Fine by me."  
>"Sakura-chan!"<br>They were crossing the street and met Mikado on the other side. Mikado stared in sheer confusion.  
>"Izaya-san...? Is that a baby?"<br>Here was a wonderful opportunity for Izaya to show off.  
>"Mikado! Hi there, so good to meet you. Have you met my daughter?"<br>"Daughter?"  
>Izaya removed the baby from the carriage and presented it to Mikado without letting him hold it lest he found out the truth.<br>"Sakura-chan. She's our pride and joy, our own precious angel!"  
>Izaya included Namie in the craziness by smiling sweetly at her. Namie remained nonplussed, clearly she was not buying into the doting mother role. Mikado was more confused than ever. He could have sworn Namie had never had been pregnant.<br>"Sakura-chan, you say...?"  
>"Yes! She looks just like her mommy."<br>Izaya was getting too into this. So much better than a flour sack.  
>"I see..."<br>Mikado did not at all see.  
>"Aren't we the best family ever?"<br>Namie snatched the baby from Izaya and peered deep into its eyes. Very realistic indeed, it even started to cry. Namie turned to Izaya.  
>"I supposed it's hungry?"<br>Mikado thought it very odd that a baby should be 'it'. Especially to the parents.  
>"Oh, could it be breastfeeding time?"<br>"It's not."  
>Namie busied herself feeding it, very impressed at the fact that the doll could absorb actual baby food. Izaya beamed.<br>"Orihara-san, how exactly did this happen?"  
>Mikado had to ask. To his surprise Izaya turned to him and went,<br>"Mikado-kun, when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to make a baby-"  
>"I know that."<br>Not only was Mikado way too old for the Talk as Izaya was the wrong person to give it.  
>"Do you want to see footage of the birth?"<br>Trust Izaya to really run with it. Namie humphed and spoke without even looking up from the baby.  
>"I very much doubt you have the most rudimentary knowledge regarding human reproduction."<br>Izaya smiled very affably in that oddly endearing and creepy way of his.  
>"It's okay, Mikado-kun is still young."<br>"I meant you."  
>Izaya looked offended. Then he perked up and bounced for reasons Mikado could not even begin to understand.<br>"Maybe but I sure know all about making babies!"  
>Mikado figured he might as well be polite.<br>"Congratulations, Orihara-san, Yagiri-san."


	29. Chapter 29

Just then Erika and Walker stumbled into the scene and caught the drift right away. Somehow. Erika's eyes sparkled.  
>"Yumacchi, it's a baby! Babies power up like in Beelzebub!"<br>"Shouldn't it be Shizuo with a demonic baby, then? Powering him up so that Shizuo can  
>become the ultimate beastly street brawler 'bukuro, no,the world has ever seen!"<br>"No, no, no, you don't understand. Babies just increase your power, whatever it is! In this case it makes Izaya more of a snarky troll than ever! Izaya is now the ultimate troll, epic 'You mad bro' time!"  
>She jumped up and down. Izaya jumped up and down as well.<br>"Sakura-chan is a delightful baby, she's not a demon. Of course fatherhood has turned me into a more mature individual-"  
>"Oh, Sakura-chan, you say! She will grow up to become a magical girl!"<br>Walker latched on this idea of Erika's.  
>"No need to wait for her to grow up, remember Hotaru? Sailor Saturn! She was a baby and in no time she was in her teens!"<br>"Forget Madoka, this new Sakura-chan will be the ultimate magical girl!"  
>The otaku duo skipped around Namie who was not exactly pleased. Izaya started.<br>"A teenager, you say? I cannot have that! Sakura-chan is a baby, she must remain one! If she grows up I'd have to watch out for guys wanting to date her. Sakura-chan must always be daddy's little girl!"  
>Namie chuckled.<br>"That's one thing you don't need to worry about. And don't forget to score me."  
>The baby being done eating Izaya picked it from Namie.<br>"Ten points for Namie. You guys, you can see Sakura-chan's first steps! What an honor! Namie, make sure to catch this on film!"  
>And like a dotting father Izaya placed Sakura-chan on the floor. Unfortunately the model had been designed as a baby and not even as a toddler. It immediately collapsed and went down head first.<br>Calm as a cucumber Namie produced a pad and jutted down,  
>"Minus a thousand points for letting it fall."<br>Sakura-chan shrieked madly, very believable looking blood pouring from the head wound. Izaya smiled awkwardly.  
>"Hey, a thousand points is not fair... I'll get a negative score at this rate."<br>Mikado rushed to see if how the poor baby was doing. He was shocked beyond words and took a while for him to regain speech.  
>"Orihara-san, how irresponsible are you? Sakura-chan can't walk yet, she's just a baby! At least take her to the hospital!"<br>Izaya shrugged.  
>"She's resilient, good Orihara and Yagiri genes and all that. Isn't that right, Namie?"<br>"Well, it's made in Japan at any rate. But I am discounting more point for your not treating it."  
>Izaya snatched the baby from Mikado and proceeded to bandage it, cooing all the way.<br>"It's okay, Sakura-chan! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Tokyo is the true concrete jungle – forget New York, Tokyo is what it's all about, Tokyo! – so it figures that you'd fall flat on it a few times. My sisters bumped their heads against the pavement countless of times, growing up."  
>Mikado closed his mouth that was hanging agap.<br>"That explains a lot, Orihara-san."  
>The bleeding had stopped and perhaps against all odds Sakura-chan was giggling as Izaya played with it. But Mikado was still not convinced.<br>"Orihara-san, I don't know where you found that baby but you have got to return her to the parents."  
>Izaya gasped dramatically and hugged Sakura-chan as if he feared Mikado was about to take her away.<br>"How can you say that! Sakura-chan is my beloved daughter! If you want the details of how she was conceived I'll tell you all about it."  
>Namie piped.<br>"Made in Japan."  
>Izaya offered Sakura-chan for inspection, placing practically in Mikado's face.<br>"Just look, Mikado! Can't you see the red eyes? Totally takes after me! How many non-Oriharas do you know with red eyes? She has my eyes but looks more like her mother, I think."  
>Izaya smiled happily and retrieved the doll into the relative security of Namie's arms where at least it would not be inspected too closely. Said mother now addressed Izaya.<br>"I think the boy is heavily implying that you're sterile. Hence his disbelief regarding your progeny."  
>Mikado did not mean to imply such thing. Also, it seemed Namie did not remember his name. Izaya looked most offended.<br>"Mikado, how can you!"


	30. Chapter 30

Namie nodded.  
>"Regarding that you need not question Izaya's aptness. I have this, extracted this morning."<br>She produced a vial from her famous mini sized steel refrigeration container. This time around there was even a microscope attached to it.  
>"What exactly is this...?"<br>"Semen sample. As you can see if you look through here the density is way above average as is the mobility of the sperm."  
>Mikado opened and closed his mouth a few times. No sound issued. Izaya bounced over to them.<br>"Oh, collected this morning, you say!"  
>"Yes. The moment it is in my body it is my property."<br>Izaya's smile was bright.  
>"Of course!"<br>Mikado finally found his voice.  
>"You took his- and placed in that box- but I never saw Yagiri-san with a baby bump,"<br>Izaya looked through the microscope since Mikado was clearly not intereted.  
>"Some women just never show a belly. Namie is like that, such class! Oh, here are my little swimmers! Look at them go! Great Orihara material!"<br>"It is very valuable genetic material, yes."  
>Before Mikado could quite recover Kida walked into the scene. Kida nearly turned around in the hopes of escaping unnoticed but no such luck. Right away Izaya was on him.<br>"Kida-kun! I see you didn't tell your pal Mikado about my daughter, tsk. Hold her for a sec, she misses you."  
>Fortunately Kida thought on his feet. Without batting an eyelash he held the baby. Izaya placed himself behind Mikado and pointed toward the cherry blossom trees in bloom.<br>"Sakura... Sakura-tan is so adorable! I'm used to babysitting her. Hello, Sakura-tan, peek-a-bo!"  
>"You know this baby...?"<br>"Hi there, Mikado. Sure thing, I babysit Sakura-tan all the time!"  
>Izaya coughed.<br>"Not all the time. Namie and I are devoted parents, after all. Only when we are too busy."  
>"Of course, of course."<br>Mikado gaped some more.  
>"So that baby really is their child...?"<br>Kida nodded and cradled Sakura-chan. Erika piped in.  
>"She must be a Newtype! Izaya and Namie will create a new race of Newtypes that will take over the world!"<br>"It's, like that or she's the antichrist."  
>Mikado looked from the baby, to Kida and then back.<br>"I've heard rumors that you were working for Orihara-san... I admit I was worried but if it's babysitting I can't see anything wrong."  
>"Unless Sakura-chan has crazy Mu powers!"<br>"Oh, Toward the Terra? Yumacchi, that's hardcore!"  
>Kida decided he might as well take this opportunity.<br>"Of course, I was babysitting Sakura-tan! Nothing shady about that. I see her as my baby sister! Neh, Sakura-tan?"  
>Kida tried his best smile and was chilled to the bone when Izaya smiled in return in that creepy way of his that never fail to disturb him.<br>"Kida-kun, that would mean that we're related. I resent that insinuation. Neh?"  
>"Of course, right."<br>At this point Namie decided to test something. She picked up Sakura-chan from Kida and promptly tossed her into the fountain.  
>"Great buoyancy."<br>Just when Mikado was coming to terms with the insanity.  
>"What are you doing, you'll drown the baby!"<br>Izaya made conciliatory gestures.  
>"Now, now, it's like that, Mikado. You know how some people choose to give birth underwater? It's like that! I'm sure you've seen on TV how babies can swim. They're almost like fish."<br>"Are you sure...?"  
>"Just like a fish, I tell you!"<br>Namie studied the doll anew. At least she removed it from the water much to Mikado's relief.  
>"No gills, though."<br>"But how old is Sakura-chan again...? How come no one heard anything about this...?"  
>Izaya waved dismissively.<br>"No need to get bogged down by details like that. What matters is that Sakura-chan is the product of our love! Love [ai]!"  
>Namie poked the poor doll and was quite intrigued.<br>"More like AI [artificial intelligence]. It seems to interact with the environment. How interesting."  
>"I don't get it..."<br>Izaya placed his hands on Mikado's shoulders and peered into his eyes.  
>"You will one day, Mikado. I am sure. You will understand when you become a father."<br>"I seriously hope not."  
>"Yay for Sakura-chan!"<br>Izaya jumped in a strange dance routine in which he bounced about in a circle.  
>"But I still don't see why Masaomi is taking care of a baby. Surely you could find someone else with more experience."<br>"Sure but Kida-kun has about the same mental age as Sakura-chan. So they have a special connection."


	31. Chapter 31

There was nothing Kida could do but smile as if he had not just been insulted for no good reason. Just like Mikado he too wondered just where Izaya and Namie had found this poor baby but it was none of his business.

"I'm popular with the ladies and Sakura-chan will be one fine woman when she grows up!"

"Kida-kun, that's just creepy. You should apologize to Sakura-chan."

Izaya took the doll from Namie but before he could make sure Kida was at his most contrite a crow swooped from the top of a nearby tree and flew away with Sakura-chan fastened on its claw-like feet. Izaya gasped.

Namie lost no time panicking. She removed a shoe and threw it at the bird, hitting it squarely in the back. The crow croaked in dismay, dropped the amazing baby and rapidly disappeared.

"Orihara, catch."

Izaya dashed and jumped, caught Sakura-chan in mid-air and landed with a flourish.

"Safe!"

"You deserve some points for catching it,"

"Alright! Go me!"

"But you did let the bird take it away in the first place so it evens out. No points."

Izaya threw himself on the ground, carefully placing Sakura-chan beside him before such theatrics.

"I saved it from the evil clutches of that crow! I deserve a best Dad award or something."

Erika got him back on his feet.

"It's totally following the dark magical girl route, that with the raven kidnapping her and all! Sakura-chan is the new Princess Kraehe!"

Izaya wiped an imaginary tear.

"Er, Orihara-san...? The baby is crawling away..."

"Oh, that. Babies need their freedom, you know."

"No, they don't!"

Namie made a note on her planner.

"By the way, you're paying for a new pair of shoes. This one is ruined."

At this Izaya perked up immediately.

"Wonderful idea, Namie! Let's do that. How about I buy you an outfit to match Sakura-chan's?"

She stared at him.

"I didn't know you had that fetish."

Kida chuckled then pretended to cough, then ended up coughing for real as the strain became too much.

"Not like that, not like that. I mean that it'd be so cute to have mother and daughter coordinate their outfits! Pretty in pink!"

Meanwhile Sakura-chan was happily crawling away. Fortunately Kida noticed and picked her up.

"Why don't _you_ dress up in pink as well?"

This gave Izaya pause. He was not looking forward to becoming the laughing stock of Ikebukuro, on the other hand here was a chance he was loath to miss.

"Okay!"

"Orihara-san?"

Mikado was not even sure why he was surprised. Kida giggled.

"It's all about family!"

A half an hour later Izaya and Namie were in their respecting changing booths trying on their new clothes. Izaya had put on a dark pink shirt to go with light pink pants and a matching jacket. Feeling extremely stylish he poked a hole on the wall with his switchblade. Izaya peered at a half naked Namie and leaned on the partition so as not to miss a thing.

Unfortunately the partition gave way and he tumbled into Namie's booth. Normally he would have regained his balance but he was not expecting this. Plus he was somewhat dazed from the sight of Namie's breasts.

As it turned out he landed on top of her, a hand squeezing one of her boobs and all.

"Now, Namie, I know how bad this looks like but I assure you it's an accident. Which doesn't mean we can't exploit the situation to our advantage."

"Step away and keep a minimum distance of two meters."

"Oh, right. Of course, of course."

But Izaya barely heard her. His mind was going many places at the same time. Before it could go any further Namie's knee collided with his stomach and sent him flying backward.

"Pain...!"

Namie seemed to tower as he lied on his back, trying not to squirm. She did not bother to even get dressed for it was time for a lecture.

"I have told you many times not to take liberties of this nature."

"Boobies...!"

Namie put on her brand new pink high hells and applied them to Izaya's chest.

"Orihara Izaya, you will stop obsessing about my mammary glands."

"Gah...!"

Kida, Mikado and the otaku duo stood right next to the changing booths. They heard muffled sounds after what sounded like something crashing.

"What are they doing...?"

Kida coughed and adjusted his hold on Sakura-chan.

"You know how it is, Mikado. Adult things. This and that, that kind of thing."


	32. Chapter 32

Inside the booth Izaya had another of his great ideas.

"Oh, I know, I know! How about we coordinate underwear as well! Pink lingerie!

"Why?"

"For the sake of thoroughness, of course. Plus it's sexy as well."

"Alright."

"Really?"

Izaya could hardly believe his luck.

"I said I'll do it."

"Oh yay!"

"However, if you want me to wear highly uncomfortable lingerie then you'll be wearing it as well."

"Namie...?"

Namie's smile chilled him even though he was into Namie's ice queen attitude.

"For the sake of thoroughness."

Izaya opened and closed his mouth a few times.

"Okay! Pink panties and bras it is, for me and you! How bad can it be?"

Namie produced her iPhone.

"And I'll snap a few shots while I'm at it. It may end up being useful later."

Izaya rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Yes, I suppose you mean for blackmailing purposes but it'd be very cool if you used it to shlick to and then record it- ouch!"

Namie kicked him in the shins. A soon as Izaya recovered he popped his head through the curtain, beckoned Kida and whispered into his ear.

"On the double, Kida-kun!"

"Okay..."

Masaomi was all for getting kinky underwear for a hot girl but this was ridiculous. As to why he had to fetch lingerie for Izaya as well was just one of those great mysteries of life that would never be understood by mere humans.

Mikado was speechless. The otakus rejoiced.

Izaya and Namie in their matching pink clothes that (un)fortunately hid the pretty underwear walked down the street very much like a color gang. Kida saw the connection right away and wondered if he, Mikado and the otaku duo were allowed to join the party to make the wonder couple look even more wonderful by sheer strength of numbers. Not to mention Erika, Walker and Mikado were not precisely the most fashion forward people, keeping them around just highlighted the fabulous factor of Izaya and Namie.

Izaya was slightly paler than usual from the rather tight bra and panties but his happiness made up for that. Taking full advantage of his agreement he held hands with Namie. Leaving Kida to carry Sakura-chan. Because apparently playing daddy only went so far.

"Oh, Namie! Do you know what we should do? Get Sakura-chan a little brother or sister! You know how important siblings are. Let's get started,"

Izaya looked around as if looking for a love hotel. Namie dragged him, literally, since they were linking hands.

"Fine with me as long as you're one the one to carry it to term and give birth to it."

"But Namie, that's impossible..."

Which was of course the whole point. Erika joined the discussion.

"It's the fabled mpreg! It's so wrong it's right!"

Namie halted as if contemplating something. She stared thoughtfully at Izaya who was unsure of how to react. He recognized this look as Namie inspecting a potential test subject for some painful experiment.

"If I succeeded in that I'd be sure to win a Nobel prize."

"Eh, Namie, let's not go there. I mean,"

"It's a shame that there is no technology that can accomplish such a feat. Yet."

"Ah..."

Sakura-chan burst out crying and try as he might, Kida could not soothe her.

"I think she needs to change her diaper,"

"Hand me my child, Kida-kun! I'll handle this. Time to get some points and up my score!"

Mikado had to ask,

"What is this score about?"

"You know how life is a game? It's like that! Points, points, this should be worth at least a thousand points!"

"Assuming you get it right, that is."

"Have no fear, Namie. I have loads of experience doing this, loads. With my sisters and all that!"

Izaya bounced to a bathroom with a baby changing booth after getting some diapers along the way. To everyone's surprising he did indeed do an exceptional job. The kind that would suffice even if Sakura-chan was not a doll.

"Ten thousand points!"

She made another note.

"I say five hundred points."

"Hey, I deserve more points than that..."

"I'm the one scoring you."

Izaya sighed.

"You're such a harsh judge, Namie. How about that breastfeeding, I was so counting on that. And I wouldn't say no to post pregnancy sex with milk play!"

"Do you ever say no to sex, though?"

"Never! As long as Namie is included."

"At least you're honest. I'll give you that."

Izaya winked.

"Therapy is doing wonders for us!"


	33. Chapter 33

As if on cue they spotted a crowd right ahead with plenty of cameras and banners with hearts. Izaya jumped up and down, things were doing just as planned.

"Look, Namie! They're doing it again, searching for Ikebukuro's best couple! That's so us! Let's go!"

Izaya landed right in the middle of the commotion, making sure he held Sakura like an actual baby. Namie followed in the hopes of getting some sponsors.

Kasuka was the host and Izaya did not even need his usual histrionics to gain attention, Kasuka immediately zeroed him on them.

"Hello! What a lovely couple we got here! Can you tell me your names, please?"

"I'm Orihara Izaya! And this is the love of my life, Namie! We just had a baby, Sakura-chan!"

Izaya resisted the need to hold Sakura above his head and waving manically.

"Congratulations!"

"Thank you very much!"

Izaya and Kasuka were in the same wave length of hyped enthusiasm. In his apartment the therapist was relaxing, happy to be free of the crazy duo for once. To unwind he decided to watched some TV and nearly choked on his green tea as Izaya appeared on screen along with Namie and the doll.

"Namie-san, can you tell us how you two met?"

"Work. I work for him."

"A forbidden romance, then! How romantic!"

Izaya bounced some more. He decided that he liked Kasuka, a lot even. Kasuka had a show to put and so played right into Izaya's love for ebullience. Kasuka was of course on his entertainer mode that bore very little resemble to his real self.

"That's right! Why should we follow conventions like 'no romance in the work place' or, 'no children out of wedlock'? Love is greater than all that!"

Once again the therapist was impressed with Izaya's ability to ad lib on the spot and twist anything to his benefit. For all of Izaya's laments about being unable to convince Namie to marry him, he could readily turn that failure to his advantage in a self-congratulatory fashion.

"I see, so you're a non-conventional couple? Namie-san?"

Namie took Sakura-chan from Izaya but in a most gentle way. She was surprisingly sweet as she cradled the doll and smiled at the camera.

"But of course. Except when it comes to the welfare of our family. We trust the newest Yagiri baby line that has just been developed. Yagiri pharmaceutics: because you care for your loved ones."

Trust Namie to plug her company. The therapist wondered how great an impact it would have on sales. A considerable one, most likely.

"That sounds wonderful, Yagiri pharmaceutics! I'm sure mothers all across Japan will rush to get the very best products for their babies."

Kasuka played along, knowing how important product placement was in the entertainment industry. He even accompained his lines with a grand gesture that would make Izaya proud.

"They better be. I mean, I do hope so. Yagiri pharmaceutics is the very best in the market in being there for the children. And that is all that matters, it's all about the children."

Namie's smile morphed into blissful sweetness. Izaya choked lest he had a laughing fit. Kasuka could not have asked for a better couple although he did wonder what was up with the baby doll but it was none of his concern. Mikado turned to Kida.

"I was wrong about Yagiri-san, I thought she was a cold woman. I felt bad, I misjudged her."

Kida had been studying Sakura-chan very closely and he reached the same conclusion as Kasuka. Trust Izaya and Namie to come with the craziest of schemes. The point of this particular one was quite beyond him but he was now very curious to see how they would manage going on. After all there was only so much they could fake with a doll.

"I wouldn't worry to much, she's cold alright."

"And behold, everyone! This lovely couple is wearing matching colors. Isn't it adorable?"

Izaya looked suitably bashful but he did glance nervously at Namie. She might very well decide to reveal that their matching underwear. So he jumped to the spotlight as was his wont to change the topic.

"We would like to thank our therapist! Thanks to him we've come a long way. Thank you, therapist-san!"

The therapist could hardly believe his ears. Izaya waved merrily at the cameras.

"So tell us, Izaya-san. What's the best part of being a new dad?"


	34. Chapter 34

"The part about making babies, of course!"

A ripple of laughter. Izaya tried to look a tad embarrassed. He knew that being dramatic would not hold on this kind of show and that it was best to aim for funny/endearing, bonus points for some goofiness. The therapist sighed. At least Izaya had not gone into the hindrance of using condoms or even worse the kinks of milk play.

"I see! That is quite an interesting philosophy."

"So true. I believe the more you enjoy making babies the better they'll turn out."

Izaya flashed a brilliant smile and plenty of girls found it absolutely adorable.

"That's the way it goes, I see. How about looking into your baby's eyes? It must be a precious moment!"

Izaya caught the drift immediately.

"Yes, of course! It's all about Sakura-chan."

"And you chose pink because of Sakura-chan?"

Izaya bounced. Kasuka wanted to hire Izaya to join his company right there and then.

"That is correct! Pink is such a cute color."

Kasuka waited a couple of moments to let the crowd nod in agreement and then tackled a new angle.

"So tell us, can you tell us more about how you two met? We know it was at work but I'm sure the audience is dying for more details."

Kasuka too seemed extremely eager. Izya adopted his most heartfelt tone.

"It was raining that evening. I was returning home after a grueling day in the city, back to my empty apartment made empties by its sheer size. Suddenly it occurred to me how lonely I was and how empty everything felt. Just then I saw the most beautiful girl standing in the rain, waiting for me. I could hardly believe it. I offered her my umbrella. We locked eyes and it was love at first sight."

The therapist shook his head. He was of course familiar with this story but Izaya had hyped it somewhere along the line. It was probable that Izaya never told the same story exactly the same way but added bits and pieces, elaborating on points and fabricating others.

"And then?"

"It was only later that I learned that Namie wanted to hire my services."

Kasuka's eyes glittered mischievously.

"Izaya-san, could it be that you're a host? You've got the looks, that's for sure!"

Izaya blushed immediately, a very off character thing for him to do if not for the fact that he had mastered the art of endearing bashfulness.

"I'm hardly that..."

"No, no, you are most definitely cute!"

Izaya agreed wholeheartedly but he saw fit to change the subject as it would only emphasize his cuteness.

"Currently, we're working on getting a sibling for Sakura-chan!"

"How great! Siblings are so important, aren't they?"

Izaya nodded solemnly.

"That's right. We both have younger siblings and we dote on them."

Erika said something to the effect that Namie might do more than just dote and Kida commented under his breath that Izaya's sisters were more terrorists than anything else and needed to be kept entertained lest they unleash Armageddon.

"What are you rooting for, a new baby boy or baby girl?"

"Either way it'll be wonderful and we'll be so happy. I'm sure that having siblings will be a great experience for Sakura-chan."

Namie took over now.

"It is not as if we would let it up to chance. Yagiri technology can manipulate the embryo and select for a gender. It is a complicated procedure but it delivers flawless results. Except when the embryo gets re-absorbed in utero but that is hardly a sequel-"

"Namie, Namie, Sakura-chan is saying 'mommy'!"

Sakura-chan was of course saying nothing of the sort, in fact since she was an artificial baby she had not been programmed to say anything at all. Izaya knew this very well but he knew Namie often lost track of things in the thralls of the wonders of science. This was a fluffy show in which potentially disturbing natural processes were not to be mentioned. The audience wanted beautiful couples, chubby babies and sugary declarations that gave everyone cavities, not the details behind embryo resorption.

Kasuka placed his ear next to Sakura-chan.

"I hear it too! Aw, Sakura-chan's first words! You heard it here, live!"

Everyone clapped. Mikado found himself clapping along with the rest.

"She is a very clever girl, you must be a proud daddy!"


	35. Chapter 35

Izaya cradled Sakura-chan.

"I sure am."

"Of course she is intelligent, Yagiri genes are exceptional in that regard. I'm already teaching her the periodic table."

"The periodic table! My, how amazing! But tell us, how is it raising a child in Tokyo?"

"Very good. Japan is the country with the lowest infant mortality rate in the world."

Once again Namie veered into rather dark themes that the audience was bound to dislike. Fortunately Kasuka was a pro and right away changed topic.

"Namie-san, you're a true modern woman. Combining a demanding job with motherhood, it's admirable! You are a perfect role model to young women. Namie-san, what are your thoughts on breastfeeding?"

Izaya jumped up and down some more, his enthusiasm overflowing. Kasuka appreciated it, such a genuine attitude was rare to come across.

"Studies indicate that breastfeeding is healthy for both mother and child."

"Is that so? You heard it here! How about breastfeeding in public?"

Namie shrugged.

"I see no great objection."

And Izaya jumped to the opportunity just as one expected.

"Namie! I am so glad you agree with me on this, Sakura-chan is hungry!"

"No, she's not."

"I think she is!"

With that said Izaya did not even bother looking at Sakura.

"She's not."

Izaya was going to protest but Kasuka came to the rescue.

"Mothers know best, Izaya-san."

Izaya was forced to concede to the point. Namie saw that Celty had joined the crowd before Izaya did, probably because Izaya was too busy sighing away and being overall goofy. Celty approached Mikado, Kida and the otaku duo. Surprise was very visible in her body language.

Namie thought very fast. She took Sakura-chan from Izaya. Mikado and the rest were on the front row so all she had to do to get within touching distance was take a few steps. When she was standing next to Celty Namie suddenly shrieked.

"Help! The headless rider is trying to kidnap my baby!"

The reaction was immediate. Celty gesticulated wildly and nearly dropped the PDA. No amount of denying would avail now and already the dreary police could be heard, motorcycles revving to hunt her down. There was only one thing Celty could do: run away.

Kasuka grasped the opportunity right away.

"Everyone, a dramatic development has just taken place! The famous, or dare I say infamous headless rider, has just tried to kidnap Sakura-chan! What could be behind this!"

Izaya was so impressed he did not know what to say for a second. Not only had Namie managed to get revenge on Celty as she removed from the scene someone who knew for a fact that Sakura-chan could not possibly be a living baby.

Meanwhile Namie was cooing at Sakura-chan while Kasuka acted all concerned.

"Such a dreadful thing to happen! You must have been terrified!"

"I just protected my child."

Izaya knew now was the time to go for a family hug and as he did so everyone clapped, virtually drowning out Mikado's protests. Kasuka was delighted, after this riveting scene he had the police chase to follow from a helicopter. Best ratings ever.

The therapist shook his head.

**

A week later Mikado paid Izaya a visit at his plush apartment. Mikado decided not to pry into Namie's reason for lying so shamefully (poor Celty had been chased by the police a bit all over town and even after ditching her escort she could not shake the fame of being a kid kidnapper) because he was just too curious and could not afford to antagonize Izaya.

What he wanted to see is how Izaya behaved at home as a family man. It was so off character that Mikado simply had to see it.

Izaya welcomed him at the door and sat on a comfy black sofa, merrily typing away at his laptop.

"What brings you here, Mikado?"

Mikado looked around. No signs of Sakura sign or of baby things. None at all.

"I was hoping to see Sakura-chan."

"Sakura-chan is no longer with us."

"She died...?"

"Of course not. Don't be silly."

Mikado imagined Izaya 'accidentally' dropping the poor baby from a skyscraper top.

"Then, what happened?"

"Sakura-chan is studying abroad."

"But she's a baby...what can she possibly study...? And why abroad...?"


	36. Chapter 36

Mikado's confusion increased.

"People underestimate babies. Of course she can study, as to why abroad that was Sakura-chan's decision. Whenever a plane flew by she opened her arms, clearly she wanted to go abroad."

"That's not clear at all...! Babies can't 'decide' things like that! What kind of a parent sends off their child abroad just like that! And where abroad, exactly...?"

Izaya pushed aside the laptop.

"As a father I believe that children should be as free as possible. Your own parents let you come to Tokyo, didn't they? It's something like that."

"But I'm not a baby!"

"Not much of a difference. Really, there is nothing babies can't do when they put their minds into it. Babies are amazing like that."

"I don't really understand..."

"You will with time, Mikado. Worry not!"

"Who is taking care of Sakura-chan...?"

Izaya shrugged, clearly the topic was exhausted as far as he knew.

"Namie's people."

"You seem strangely at ease about all this..."

"I rise to the occasion as ever. Which reminds me, I'm afraid we can't invite you to the wedding. I tried to convince her but Namie is adamant about it."

"Whatever happened to 'I'm too modern for marriage'?"

Izaya sighed overly dramatically.

"Oh, Mikado, you naïve thing. Of course one says such things but just think about it, Namie in a wedding dress! Too sexy! On second thought, don't think about it."

"You're the one that brought it up in the first place!"

"Details, details."

**

Izaya thus intended to get rid of Sakura-chan, doll extraordinaire but as it turned out, Sakura-chan's adventures were far from over. The baby project being abandoned half-way Namie took the doll for she was interested in it from a technical point of view.

Seiji just so happened to find Sakura-chan propped in a corner and immediately saw a deep connection with her, probably because Namie had detached the head from the body.

Never one to let an opportunity slip by Namie decided to promptly tell him that was the real Celty. Monomaniacs are known to switch their objects of obsession and while Namie had been reluctant to opt for replacement therapy she now decided to adopt it. The success was immediate. Seiji stuck to Sakura-chan, namely to her head, as if the very existence of the universe depended on it and thus Namie could control him so much better.

When the next couple therapy session rolled by she thanked the therapist in terms that were as warm as she could muster. And went as far as shaking hands with him much to Izaya's consternation.

"Hey, it was my idea to go to a therapist in the first place so in a way I am responsible for helping Seiji-kun...not to mention I got him a cake..."

"Your megalomania is showing again. Not everything is about you."

Izaya stared gloomily at the therapist.

"But I was the one who suggested using the doll to help Seiji-kun from the very start..."

"It was not propitious back then. Besides, I often discount your advice as it is hardly ever without strings attached. More often than not it's just a covert – or not too covert, even – for you to indulge in your sexual antics."

Izaya flailed in indignation.

"So not true, Namie! And that's way too unfair, I wanted to become friends with Seiji-kun, I even baked him a special cake – let's not forget the cake! – as a proof of my good intentions..."

"Since when does my brother even have friends?"

To this Izaya had no reply at all.

"Orihara-san, telling people that the doll was an actual baby was hardly wise."

"It's all good, doc. No worries. Rumors only last 69 days anyway."

The therapist was prepared for such nonchalance and he had a brand new plan.

"Yagiri-san, Orihara-san, how do you feel about group couple therapy?"

"Sorry doc, but I'm a one woman only kind of guy. No group orgy for me."

"...there's nothing like that involved. It's a method of therapy."

The therapist hoped that contact with other couples might instruct Izaya about how odd their relationship was by comparison. Not to mention amusing regardless of the results.

"You mean Namie and I, together, competing against other couples? We are so on board! We cannot lose!"

"It is not a competition,"

"Namie! Let's go for it!"

"I suppose we could. I too dislike losing as a matter of principle."

"So true!"


	37. Chapter 37

Izaya bounced happily.

"Like I said, it is not a competition..."

"We cannot lose!"

This might turn out to be the worst idea the therapist ever had.

**

Izaya fully expected to tag-team with Namie and basically steam roll over the other couples. When learning that the first sessions would be gender separated, meaning he would have to spend a whole hour with a bunch of men discussing their relationship issues, he was very glum. But it only lasted a while.

Izaya, being Izaya, obviously bounced back. After all here was a chance to flaunt his loving relationship with Namie and to mingle with his beloved humans. So Izaya turned out on time almost as excited as if he were about to have a blast with Namie. Her own group session with the women would take place immediately afterward so as soon as they were both done it was possible that much fun would be had.

Izaya hummed happily. Meanwhile the therapist was delayed on route due to police chasing down Celty whom they believed to be a child kidnapper. So the group sat in a circle as usual without the therapist. Whenever something like this happened they had instructions to proceed as usual until the therapist arrived.

As he expected everyone's eyes were on him and as usual Izaya jumped to the spotlight.

"Hi there! I'm Orihara Izaya and I'm new here. I hope to have a lot of fun with you guys!"

With that said Izaya did not bother learning everyone's names and even after the mandatory introduction he tagged each of the other six members as numbers. But he did not go into full 'look at me' mode, instead he turned to another aspect so intrinsic to him: observing others.

Number 5, a rather dull fat fellow with glasses was mumbling something about how his wife did not want to have sex with him and tried to elicit everyone's sympathy by sighing through his dreary narration. The others said something to the effect of this wife being mean and cold.

Izaya would have nothing to do with such male bonding complacency.

"In all honesty, it's probably your fault. When was the last time you looked in a mirror? No matter how you looked at it, you have totally let yourself go. When you're that overweight how can you expect your wife to want to get it on with you!"

Such stark honesty was unknown to the group. Number 5 gasped.

"But- but, she's my wife...if she loves me she should have sex with me...right?"

Instinctively they all sensed that this young fellow was highly successful in the sexual arena. Izaya crossed a leg and waved in a most desultory manner.

"That kind of thinking is highly regressive. You expect her to make a sacrifice and sleep with you? That's now not how it should work. No one should ever have to will themselves into hot sexing. She should be as willing as you and eager to get it on as well."

"But that never happened, not even before we were married,"

Izaya stabbed the air with a finger, lurching forward on the chair so suddenly that for a split second number 5 feared he was about to get assaulted.

"What's with this lowering of standards? Instead of expecting your wife to make an effort, make an effort yourself and lose some weight. I bet it'll change things."

"I don't really have a lot of time..."

Izaya rolled his eyes.

"Details, details. Get an exercise ball. You basically sit your ass on it and it works on your core muscles. Does wonders. A fit ass is very important. Women like that kind of thing. Of course, you can't hope to get an ass like mine but hey, there is room for improvement."

To everyone's horror Izaya spun around to show them just how wonderful his ass was.

"Orihara-san, do you use that exercise ball thing yourself?"

"I bounce on mine! And I've used it for kinky purposes, too. Oh, how about condoms? I bet you guys use the boring ones. No wonder you're not getting laid. Here, I use these – Yagiri ones, Namie's company sure can deliver! Namie is the love of my life! – and Trojan on occasion. What you want is something thin and non-intrusive, either that or with grooves – like this one, see? – and there is also a special type to better performance. Think about your women, they're important!"

Izaya produced quite a collection of condoms from a pocket and handed them around. By now everyone was as stunned as impressed despite themselves.


	38. Chapter 38

"Orihara-san, are you in what they call an open relationship?"

This was Number One's way of showing he was in touch with today's youth and that he was not an easily shocked old sod, which he feared he might well be. Izaya's reaction included jumping to his feet, jabbing a finger in the air and glaring.

"Of course not! I am a man in love, in love! No other women for me other than Namie."

Muttered apologies followed all around. Number Four now took the stage after a polite cough. His main concern was that he was afraid his wife was having an affair because she spent so much time at host clubs. Izaya tsked right away.

"I can't say if she's cheating on you or not but rest assured she isn't cheating on you with a host. Hosts don't get involved with their clients."

"Could it be that you're a host yourself?"

Izaya giggled.

"Close enough, actually! But no. Tell me, do you speak to your wife?"

"Well of course..."

"About what?"

"The kids, the weather...things like that,"

"Bo-ring! And you wonder why she goes off talking to pretty boys who will actually listen and talk to her! Honestly now! Okay, is there anything your wife is really into?"

"I guess she likes arranging flowers."

Izaya leaned forward.

"Imagine she tells you about a new arrangement she just made. Your reply is?"

"I tell her that's nice."

Izaya rolled his eyes, threw his hands in the air, swung his body backwards with such momentum that the swivel chair creaked at a perilous angle without somehow actually tipping over.

"That won't do! Let me guess, you can't get laid either? No wonder!"

Number Four wrung his hands most anxiously.

"What should I do, then...?"

"The same the hosts do. Let me show you. Pay close attention."

Everyone was hanging on Izaya's every word. Izaya enjoyed it immensely. He broke into a delightful smile.

" 'A new arrangement, you say? What kind of flowers do you use? I see! That sounds so original, I mean, it's different from what you usually see. Do you think you could show me how it's done? I'd so love to have some flowers around, they brighten the place considerably. Of course it's not just anyone that can match flowers just right, Kaneko-san is truly talented, etc etc and so forth along those lines.' See? That's what you say."

Number Four blinked rapidly.

"Who is Kaneko supposed to be-"

"Never you mind that. Kaneko-san stands for all neglected wives."

"Neglected is a bit too,"

"It's the truth. Any host worth his salt would ask about Kaneko-san's hobbies and show an interest, he would even do some research. While you, Kaneko-san's husband, cannot be bothered! You're one of those guys that is too busy playing golf on his free time instead of showing your woman a good time."

"What's wrong with golf,"

"Everything. One, it is boring; two, no pretty wife is involved; three, it is a waste of time that won't lead to any sexing at all; four, focusing on the wrong holes altogether."

This reduced Number Four to shameful silence because Izaya did have a point. And Izaya was not done yet.

"So, when you guys decide to go on a date what things do you take into consideration? And don't tell me there is no need to date once you're married because that's just depressing."

The question was addressed to one in particular and Izaya did not even care who answered.

"The weather...? I mean, it's better if it's sunny."

Number Three smiled weakly in the hopes that this was the right answer.

"Not good enough. The weather doesn't matter much what does matter is timing it right. Instead of annoying Kaneko-san day and night and hounding her like a horn dog you must pay attention to the evolution of her cycle. Unlike men, most women follow a pattern when it comes to sexual desire. There are evolutionary reasons for this but out purposes you should keep in mind that around the time she is ovulating she will be more receptive to sexual advances."

"Should I ask her, then...?"

Izaya sighed very deeply.

"Of course not, you don't just ask that. You make it seem like you 'just know', which will gain you many points. You put some effort into it and rummage through the trash if need be, find out when she's having her period, do the math and you're all set."


	39. Chapter 39

To this they had nothing to say. As insane as it sounded, it also seemed like a plan that might actually work. Everyone in the group was inclined to think Izaya was some sort of expert if not in actually keeping a relationship then at least in keeping it spicy.

Number Two took the spotlight after a collective awed silence. He complained about his mother-in-law. And would have expounded on the subject at length were it not for Izaya cutting him short.

"Do you like your boss? Tell the truth, it's not as if he's here to hear."

"I wouldn't say I like him exactly-"

"In other words, you hate his guts. So, when you meet him do you act rude?"

"Of course not! I'd be fired,"

"Aha! There you have it, if you can kiss your boss' ass then you can kiss Kaneko-san's mother's ass as well."

"My wife's name is Haruka,"

"Details."

Clearly there was no point in arguing.

"So you're saying my mother-in-law is like a boss...?"

"That is just it. Mother-in-laws are supposed to be hell on earth. What you do is treat her ever so nicely and subjugate with politeness. Instead of making lame excuses when she comes around you make sure to attend and talk to her in your 'I'm-a-lowly-dog-of-a-person' kind of tone that you salarymen use at work. Shower the lady with gifts and the result? No longer will the mother-in-law be able to whine and complain to Kaneko-san about you. If she does then Kaneko-san will see through her lies and you will not only be off the hook as actually improve in her eyes."

This caused a low murmur of approval. This was a kind of reasoning these men could follow. Abasing themselves was part of the daily grind after all. But Izaya was not yet done. He sighed heavily in that dramatic way of his and leaned back on the chair.

"You guys are all married, that is so amazing and still you manage to screw things up. Ah, I wish I could marry Namie!"

The men exchanged a look. At least in some ways this young fellow was very naïve.

"I didn't know young people nowadays cared that much about marriage."

"It could be naked apron night, every night! Naked apron is the best! Serving topnotch sushi on a naked apron! Or even human table! Wow, how come I didn't think of this before?"

Izaya smacked himself on the forehead and looked most bewildered.

"Human table...?"

"Roe around the bellybutton! It is absolutely perfect, it starts with a hot dinner and evolves into even hotter sexing! I _must _push for this!"

As it so often happened Izaya got carried away by his own enthusiasm. He produced his phone and lost no time in looking up more details.

"We're not supposed to use our phones during therapy sessions..."

"Oh yay, found a workshop for human table arrangement! God bless the internet!"

Number Five had something very important to say but at the same time he was rather afraid to say it. It was a common paradox in group therapy that people who wanted to make a grand revelation also shirked from it and chose to deliver it when the audience was otherwise engaged.

So now that Izaya was sharing borderline pornish images with naked women covered with tasty delicacies Number Five whispered to the effect of having cheated on his wife. The idea was to get rid of the guilt by saying it but avoiding the backlash by making sure no one actually heard him. Unfortunately for him he underestimated Izaya's ability to multitask.

"What! And you call yourself a man! That's disgusting! Kaneko-san has done so much for you, even your dirty laundry, and you go and cheat on her with some random hussy half her age! You're an idiot on top of everything. What, 'hot young woman will be better in bed than my wife who is getting on her years'? Wrong! The best sex is had when you learn how to please your partner and it becomes better each time. Which means it is always best to do it with someone whose body and preferences you already know. It is spending time together and having a history that makes sex wonderful! What the hell, if you can't appreciate mature women that's your fault, not Kaneko-san's! People like you make me sick."

The man spluttered incoherently. Izaya was on his feet glaring.

"But I'm real sorry-"

"There's only one thing you can do. And that is, allow me to stomp on you on Kaneko-san's behalf."


	40. Chapter 40

Number Five looked around for support but to no avail. Group dynamics dictated that they all sided with Izaya's dominance personality. To go against Izaya at this point would elicit his wrath and they were all afraid of that. Least Izaya stomped on them as well.

"But that's just,"

"And the hypocrisy! Saying that Kaneko-san was cheating on you with some host when you were the one cheating on her!"

"That wasn't me! And who is this Kaneko?!"

"I can't be expected to tell you apart, you are all a mind-hive of the mono-brain quality. You all sit in the same seats every session, right? That's so you can know who is who. And now it is stomping time."

So much for Izaya's claim that every human was ever so unique.

The therapist arrived just to time to see Izaya merrily stomping away on one of his poor patients. For a couple of seconds the therapist could not even speak.

"Orihara-san, what are you doing?!"

"Oh hi there, doc. I am righteously stomping in the name of all women. Want to join and stomp on a cheater? It is fun!"

Clearly Izaya was more motivated by his love for stomping on people then by his self-proclaimed sense of justice.

"Orihara-san, stop that just now!"

Izaya shrugged but obeyed. But he had a few more words of wisdom.

"Now, now, I hope you have learned your lesson. Cheating is bad."

The therapist asked Number Five if he wanted to press charges but of course he was too distraught to even consider such a thing. Meanwhile the women's group was gathering and Izaya immediately addressed them in his all inclusive oratory.

"Ah, you are martyrs, you truly are! Slaving away all your lives. It is so unfair! Go Kaneko-san, go! I will always be your ally, the great Izaya is on your side!"

In his rapture Izaya took the hands of the nearest lady who nearly fainted on the spot before the therapist could interfere. Namie solved the crisis by pulling Izaya by the hood.

"What are you doing? I didn't know hitting on middle aged women was part of your repertoire."

"Namie! Could it be that you are jealous? Aw!"

Namie dangled Izaya in the air, still holding the hood.

"Was this Izaya causing you trouble?"

The man nodded and tried not to sniffle. Namie stared him down for a while then dropped Izaya who as usual landed graciously on his feet. Somehow Izaya even missed not to lose face despite being to easily manhandled by a woman.

"You are probably a coward anyway if you let someone like Izaya bully you into submission so odds are you had it coming anyway."

"Yagiri-san, that is completely uncalled for."

This was the therapist in an attempt to bring some order. Namie looked at him with slightly narrowed eyes. It was enough to make him shiver, without a doubt it was a bad idea to be on this woman's bad side.

"I'm going to let your insolence slide because you helped Seiji-kun but keep in mind that I am not one to tolerate disrespect."

"If you women were a bit more like Namie then you wouldn't put up with men that disrespect you left and right. The only way cheaters will learn their lesson is if you stomp on them. I don't suppose I can expect a shiny medal?"

"You're lucky you won't end up in jail!"

Namie was ready to just dismiss this whole incident as unworthy of her lofty attention when she realized she recognized Izaya's victim.

"You. You work for a medium sized company, don't you? Owned by Nebula? And this is the human scum that is trampling all over my work. Izaya, stomp on him."

"Yagiri-san!"

"Yay, Namie! I'm on it!"

Izaya overflowed with glee. He seemed about to kiss or hug her but at the last moment reconsidered. It was something of a dream for Namie to not only support but actually promote his love for stepping on other human beings.

"Here, put on my shoes."

Namie removed her stiletto pumps. Izaya readily put them on and strutted about some.

"Oh, I see! Putting these killer heels to good use! I like the way you think!"

The shoes were a tad small but Izaya still managed to walk in them in with a most elegant of poses. Before he could put his stomping project into action the therapist managed to usher Izaya and Namie into a small room, telling the therapy group to wait over his shoulder.


	41. Chapter 41

The therapist took a deep breath before addressing the wonder couple.

"Orihara-san, Yagiri-san, your behavior has been nothing short of sociopath. You cannot tread on others like that, literally, even!"

"Doc, I hear you. I sympathize, you're a nice guy. Make no waves, that kind of thing. But Namie and I are on a whole different league. Every now and then we have to make a stand and manage our enemies."

"That is correct. These people need to be taught their place."

The therapist made a vague gesture bordering on despair.

"Fine, we'll talk later. For now it's time for the women's therapy session."

"Okay! I'll be waiting right here. Also, doc, we won't hold it against you that you're very late. We are very understanding people after all."

.

Just like Izaya Namie did not bother to retain the names of the therapy group. She too attributed them numbers. One of the women was presently speaking.

"And he wants me to wear a blonde wig when we have sex!"

The therapist was going to interpose something but Namie got in the way.

"That's it?"

"I don't want a wig..."

Namie tossed her long hair back in her trademark gesture of impatience. She crossed her legs and folded her arms.

"I don't see what the big deal is. Izaya is into weird role playing. Just the other day he wanted me to serve as a human table."

"Human table...?"

The therapist tried to prevent the session from being hijacked.

"Yagiri-san, you will have your turn to speak,"

"A human table is basically lying naked on one's back with a series of sushi bits covering the body."

The women had all seen Izaya and formed an idea of him. Not a few of them found the mental picture Namie now invoked to be rather exciting.

"And then he eats off you...?"

"That's the gist of it. Apart from his sex obsession he acts most improperly in public. Last time he dragged me to Kamakura he wanted to get naked at the beach for some reason or other. I should have let him, with some luck the police would arrest him."

The therapist could not help thinking that Namie was far from a model of proper public conduct.

"Excuse me, Yagiri-san...didn't I see you on television the other day?"

"You might have had. Izaya cannot resist showing off to cameras in general. It goes with his megalomania."

"How is your adorable baby, Sakura-chan?"

The therapist opened his mouth to finally set things straight on the subject of the mysteriously disappearing baby but he never got around to it.

"She's studying abroad in the States."

The last thing the therapist wanted was for Namie to get even more entangled in the adventures of Sakura-chan.

"Nakamura-san, you were telling us about your husband and the wig?"

It was one of the rules in managing a therapy group that redirecting the discussion was the therapist's greatest role.

"It's a blonde wig...and he calls me 'Marilyn' while I wear it!"

This caused the typical hush of sympathetic responses.

"I don't know who this 'Marilyn' person is but Izaya wants me to call him 'God'. No matter how you spin it, I suspect it is considerably worse."

The woman blinked.

"As in, Marilyn Monroe..."

"The name is vaguely familiar but that's about it. If the wig annoys you get him to wear it and call him...Carl or something."

"Yagiri-san, I don't see how that would help Nakamura-san-"

"I'll do that!"

"Nakamura-san, I strongly advise against that course of action."

"But it's at least a course of action. All we do in these sessions is talk and talk. Yagiri-san, do tell us more about your husband."

The therapist felt oddly betrayed, all his years of dedication to the cause of group therapy trumped by Namie's bizarre tactics was enough to make anyone distressed.

"Talking is the best way of coming to an understanding. Nakamura-san, don't you want to continue our discussion about your husband?"

"Oh no, this is so much more interesting and fun."


	42. Chapter 42

The voices of assent were unanimous, the therapist knew he was beaten. Namie tossed her hair over a shoulder.

"What husband? I don't remember marrying Izaya, what happens in his dreams stays there, fortunately: otherwise the world as we know it would have surely imploded by now. Not to mention his disturbing obsession with me would escalate out of control."

The door burst open at this point. Izaya jumped into the room, gracefully as ever.

"Namie! How can you say I am obsessed and in a disturbing way, even!"

Namie crossed a leg.

"Like I thought, you bugged the room, didn't you."

"Eh...maybe?"

Izaya tried a sweet and vulnerable smile that melted the entire group. Minus the person it was intended to have an impact on.

"Your being here proves it as does the fact that you know what I have just said. That door is too thick for eavesdropping, too. Not to mention that you have also just proved my point."

Izaya hesitated ever so slightly.

"'Bugging' is such a crude way of putting it. I was merely collecting material for educational purposes. That way I can go over the recordings and learn many new things about Namie and myself! And humanity, too!"

"So you admit you were spying."

"I prefer to think of it as gathering information,"

"Orihara-san, I must ask you to leave. This is a women's group therapy session."

The therapist had gathered some of his bearings.

"It's okay, doc. I'm a feminist, I side with women and am so in touch with my feminine side that I often impersonate a woman online. Since humanity is composed of two genders (not to mention the many gradations in between) it follows that I must relate to both men and women. Orihara Izaya is every woman! In way."

Without as much as batting an eyelash Namie unbuckled Izaya's belt and pulled down his pants and underwear much to the overall consternation of everyone.

"Male genitalia, therefore, you qualify as male. Technically we have yet to assess you are not a hermaphrodite but it is proven you are not any woman let alone every one."

The women shrieked greatly and covered their eyes with their hands (some gleefully peeping through their fingers) and even Izaya looked somewhat bashful. He pulled up his clothes with as much composure as possible given the circumstances.

"Yagiri-san! What do you think you're doing?!"

The therapist was completely at a loss.

"Observation is one of the methodological pillars of science. I was simply making practical use of it."

"Eh, Namie, I get it but you see, I meant it figuratively."

It might be expected that the women would stampede in horror but in reality they were very entertained and having the time of their lives. Therapy was usual the same old with boring problems discussed at length over and over, it was not every day they got a chance of seeing a polished pretty boy getting half naked.

"So you say."

"Yagiri-san, I will not let you turn my therapy session in a circus. And Orihara-san can you please leave?"

"Oh, do stay! Such a nice young man. And interesting, too."

Izaya batted his eyelashes, ever so innocent.

"But doc, they want me to stay..."

"Fine! Stay but do keep your clothes on!"

Izaya literally wrung his hands.

"It was Namie's fault, I wouldn't go around flashing women. It goes against my code of ethics."

Namie laughed.

"Your 'code of ethics' is so exclusively yours that it hardly qualifies as ethical at all, since you are, well, Orihara Izaya. Also, on the subject of flashing women you've done that to me. I arrive for work and you jump out of nowhere wearing nothing."

Without an extra chair Izaya had to sit on the floor.

"I have paid greatly for that. If I remember correctly you kicked me."

"It's an innate reaction to when a naked man jumps on me."

"It really hurt...those heels of yours are murder."

"I think I'll take you on your 'being every woman' motto and have you play the female role tonight."

Izaya blinked rapidly.

"You mean...? The strap-up...?"

"Are you turning down a chance of having sex?"

"Never!"

"For all your intelligence and unpredictable behavior I can still count on you to act on your hormones."


	43. Chapter 43

"Of course. Orihara Izaya is every woman as much as Orihara Izaya is every man and what man would say no to hot sex with you!"

"Drop the third person, it is creepy."

"It's moe! Besides, you really can't blame me for my sex drive as it is imbedded in my DNA! Science for the win!"

"That much is true, your sex drive is indeed genetically programmed."

"See! So I can't be blamed for wanting to do it with you any time of the day!"

The therapist coughed since he had to do something to get people's attention.

"Yagiri-san, with all due respect you can hardly criticize Orihara-san as far as unpredictable behavior goes. Undressing someone like that is too random, not to mention it goes against common sense and every single rule of social conduct."

"Doc, I feel so violated, too...showing the goods to people like that..."

Izaya's coy act fooled no one.

"You're too shameless for that kind of thing."

One of the women spoke up.

"Orihara-san, could you tell us about your first time with Yagiri-san?"

Izaya beamed and nearly skipped abound.

"I thought you people would never ask! Ah, it was absolutely epic. I'd already known Namie for a while at the time, I am a gentleman,"

Namie chuckled.

"You're a gentleman? Is this your bad sense of humor again?"

"We made love under the blooming sakura flowers on a sweet spring night,"

"Doctor, he's making up things again. That never happened. I happen to know it's one of your prime fantasies that you keep a log about."

The therapist did not think it possible but Izaya paled to the point of looking slightly ill.

"Eh, what are you talking about, Namie?"

"You're not the only one that can 'gather information' as you put it. Hacking your computer was not easy but it was not impossible either. I told you I could do it, didn't I? It was a very 'educational' experience to say the least."

Izaya swallowed with difficulty.

"Namie, as your boss, that's a breach in my privacy..."

Namie shrugged dismissively.

"So fire me."

"You know I'll never do that! I need you as an employee as much as I need you as a lover!"

The therapist had to make an attempt regaining control. The therapy group almost drooled, this was better than a soap opera and the racy bits made it all the more interesting.

"Yagiri-san, spying on Orihara-san is unacceptable. Regardless of how badly Orihara-san might have behaved."

"I said I was sorry that I bugged your apartment! When I think that you've been reading my private Namie blog where I pour out my heart of hearts,"

Izaya finished in a sniffle.

"Oh man up already, will you? Nothing in that blog of yours surprised me much. I already suspected you kept such a thing, I just became acquainted with the details."

A woman offered Izaya a hanky that he proceeded to use to dab some tears and then to wring. But not for long. Suddenly Izaya sprang to his feet.

"Namie! I understand it all! The reason why you raided my computer for info is because you want to find more about me! You love me that much, it's just your _tsun _side that keeps you from being more direct about it!"

"_Tsun_...?"

"I'm so touched, Namie...those were my most private thoughts, having you read them is such an intimate experience..."

Izaya blushed most beautifully.

"Again, what is this _tsun _he's talking about?"

"Aw, I love it how clueless you are about pop culture, for the most part. It's so adorable. So now you know about my dream of making love under a sakura tree! Doesn't get any more romantic, cheery petals falling on your smooth skin as you ride me..."

"...Orihara, forget I mentioned your computer. Before I am forced to kill you."

Izaya's eyes grew shiny and even slightly glazed. The therapist passed a hand before Izaya's face.

"Orihara-san? Are you there?"

"Oh, doc. Sorry, I got lost in my mind for a sec."

The woman closest to Izaya addressed him.

"So you keep a blog about Yagiri-san?"

"Yes! It's a private record of all things Namie related!"

"How is your crazy delusion 'Namie related'? I have nothing to do with any cherry tree sex scene."

"Of course it related to you, Namie! You're the one moaning my name as we make love under the pink canopy..."

"Again, that never happened."

"Not yet!"


	44. Chapter 44

Namie sighed.

"Fine, let us assume this will come to pass in the future,"

"Oh boy, oh boy, I can hardly wait!"

True to his words Izaya bounced on his seat.

"Either way, fact remains that this scenario does not match the first time we had sex. Your lying is apparently incorrigible."

"Ha! Reality was almost as amazing as my fantasy! How many rounds was it?"

"Four before I put a stop to your excessive libido."

"Four it was!"

"As if you did not remember."

"I wanted to hear you say it, Namie!"

The therapist turned to Izaya.

"Orihara-san, could you tell us what actually did happen? Starting from the start and there's no need to go into detail about the sex itself."

"Why not, talking about it is almost as fun as the real thing!"

"It's better if I tell it otherwise we won't get done anytime soon."

"Go ahead, Yagiri-san."

"There is not much to tell. After months of harassment I figured it would profit me more to just sleep with Orihara here than to kick him."

"'Orihara here', that's so cold...at least make it 'Izaya here'..."

"Still, it wasn't entirely bad. Human beings should engage in some sexual activity in order to remain healthy and Izaya is as good a partner as any other."

Izaya perked up and cast a very fast glance at the therapist.

"Doc, you were telling me about this article the other day. Remember? Scientific American, I believe."

It seemed that Izaya was not ready to let his go. If a strategy failed before it was properly implemented then one might as well bide one's time and re-use it to its fullest advantage.

"I remember, it stated that sex three times a week was conductive to a healthy living."

"Hmm...are you sure it wasn't once per day?"

"No, it wasn't. I'm sure."

At least in this the therapist was not about to let himself be bullied by Izaya.

"Orihara-san, did you say four rounds...?"

The woman spoke for the entire group in an awed and slightly hushed voice.

"That's right! My stamina is remarkable. Just imagine how the honeymoon will be!"

"Funny, I watched you on TV and Orihara-san said he didn't care for marriage..."

Izaya did not miss a hearbeat and answered the group at large instead of focusing on the particular speaker.

"Indeed! Truly, I do not need society to sanction my love. But I keep thinking, imagine if I run into some accident and end up on the IC unit. Since I am not related to Namie she could not visit me. How sad that would be!"

Quite a few of the women were teary eyed themselves. Namie swung her foot in the air, the pointy heel vaguely menacing as it hovered above the floor.

"That's ridiculous. If that happened I wouldn't visit you, I'd join the medical staff and join in the efforts to save your life. Don't forget that I am qualified to provide such treatment."

For once Izaya was completely taken by surprise. His expression became blank for the second, and if he could not decide whether he was hearing these words out loud instead of the echo of his delusions, then melted into a smile so bright that it swayed the entire therapy group.

"Namie! You do love me! Not that I doubted it but it's so sweet to hear you say it!"

Izaya had shot to his feet and was not holding Namie's hands and peering into her eyes.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"You mean your undying devotion to me?"

"No. No, I don't. I mean that my livelihood depends on your being alive. If you died I would be forced to scramble for employment and I would rather not. As painful as it is the fact remains that I am stuck with you."

"Instead of 'stuck' let's say 'committed'. You are committed to me!"

"Can you let go of my hands now?"

Izaya did so with a flourish, a twirl and a deep bow.

"Yagiri Namie, I truly love you."

The group burst out clapping.

"Can I have a raise, then?"

"A raise? But of course! The world economy may be on recession but Orihara Izaya is not! Oh yay!"

The therapist could tell that Izaya was about to hop about crazily as he wont to do.

"Orihara-san, you should give it some thought before you just agree to a raise like this. If you give your verbal agreement now you will have to honor it and it is obvious Yagiri-san is emotionally manipulating you."

"That's okay, doc!"


	45. Chapter 45

"I want a fifty percent raise."

Izaya checked himself before right as he was gearing to start prancing about.

"Fifty percent...?"

"Before taxation."

Izaya glanced at the therapist as if he expected help from that quarter. Two women muttered about how the price of noodles had been skyrocketing and about how horrible this economic slump was. Izaya was sure they spoke loud enough for him to overhear on purpose.

He considered his options.

"Namie, you need not worry. That raise is yours!"

"And?"

"And...?"

"What's the caveat?"

Izaya opened his mouth to make some wild demand like wild public sex but caught himself in time. He saw the therapist staring at him with the clear intent of keeping Izaya from digging his own grave.

"There is no caveat, I am merely recognizing your amazing skills. But you see, in order for you to be the best employee possible you should live in my apartment."

"You're saying you'll give me that raise if I move in with you?"

"I know what you're thinking, that it is just an excuse for having more sex with you but you can easily stay in one of the spare rooms. Also, if you see things from my point of view I am losing money as you commute."

Namie stared at him in absolute silence for what felt like an eternity, one of the women put and end to it.

"Just take the offer, Yagiri-san!"

"It is tempting but I still have my doubts."

"I assure you, you'd have all the privacy in the world."

"That I very much doubt."

"Yagiri-san, Orihara-san, this is not a choice that should be made lightly. You know that I don't believe you are ready to live together as a couple."

"So you say, doc. But how is one to know when the time is right? Why not now!"

"Because it would lead to disaster."

"I suppose we could think this over..."

"Exactly. And Yagiri-san, please, no more talk of raises."

As far as the therapist could tell, Namie was as likely to exploit Izaya as vice-versa. Izaya raised his hand like an overeager first grader.

"I know, since there are so many women gathered here may ask you ladies how you feel about semen? It's not gross, right?"

The women muttered for some time then spoke aloud.

"Well...it kinda is."

"It's just too sticky and slimy."

"Slimy is right, I won't say I hate it but if possible I'd rather not touch it directly."

Namie nodded, for once perfectly in tune with the other females.

"There is a consensus here, obviously. I suggest wearing surgical gloves."

Izaya dropped his arms in his exaggerated way.

"Latex gloves and sexing can be kinky but I know that's not how you mean it. There is a double standard, I must say. Had I pulled down your skirt in a room full of men I'd be lying in a pool of my own blood by now."

"You'd be dead before you hit the floor, too."

"I'd just like to know why such a double standard exists...neh, doc?"

Apparently Izaya was only willing to go so far when it came to defying Namie and then expected the therapist to clear up the mess. Namie beat him to it.

"That's because you're a shameless person."

"Namie, how can you say that..."

"Remember that guy that went around flashing random people? I thought it was you until they arrested him."

"Why! Why would you think that!"

Namie shrugged.

"It was a mad man in Ikebukuro, jumping out of bushes in the nude. It could have easily have been you, even though that is a city full of crazy people."

"I'm not the kind of person to do such a thing."

"How am I supposed to know? As you say, you don't abide by 'conventional' morality, which means that anything goes."

"Your morality isn't all that conventional either..."

Izaya glanced at the therapist for support.

"Orihara-san does have a point. Yagiri-san's idea of right and wrong is hardly typical."

"My morality holds competence as its greatest value, not deviation. As such I admire Izaya's skills but condemn his bizarre fancies."

Izaya seemed to deflate but immediately perked up.

"Speaking of my skills, that applies to my skills in bed, right?"

"I suppose,"

"Yes! I knew it! Oh, how about you become a human table, Namie!"

"How about _you_ become a human table?"


	46. Chapter 46

"Me...?"

"It is much easier to plate food on your body than on mine. Given that you're male there is more flat surface."

"True but that's not the point,"

"You don't seem too convinced."

Namie placed Izaya's hand firmly on her right breast. Everyone gasped in shock, except Izaya who was for once reduced to absolute silence. Namie remained unruffled.

"As you can tell, female breasts are not flat surfaces."

"Yagiri-san, I have got to asked...what exactly are you doing?"

"Making a point. It makes no sense to use me as a human table when Izaya would make a much better one."

"Making a point...scientifically?"

"That's right. Looks like you're picking up a thing or two."

The therapist just hoped he did not pick up their craziness as clearly there was enough of it to go round. Izaya found his voice to produce some inarticulate sounds.

"Bo...boobies!"

The therapist watched in the expectation of an incoming attack from Namie on a very dazed Izaya. He was proven wrong.

"Say, Izaya. How about you give me that raise and no strings attached? I just so happened to carry a contract with me, all it needs is your signature and seal."

Namie produced a few pieces of paper from an inner pocket and expertly rummaged through Izaya's jacket, finding the seal in no time. Izaya remained in a daze.

"Uh? Yeah, sure..."

"Wonderful. Here, have a pen."

Izaya was about to sign without even having read the contract when the therapist put a stop to the madness by firmly taking the pen away.

"Orihara-san, will you please listen to me? You can't just sign contracts like this! And Yagiri-san, why do you even have the contract in the first place? Not to mention, how legally binding is it?"

Namie shrugged in pure nonchalance. Few women could remain so unaffected when their breast was being groped but there was only one Yagiri Namie in the world for a reason. She now calmly swatted Izaya's hand away.

"Same reason why he carries condoms: I never know when I might get lucky. As for legality, there are ways of going around it."

Izaya stood blinking a few times. Then he seemed to realize what was going on.

"What a close call, doc! But I must say, I love it when a smart woman knows how to use her sexy body."

The therapist sighed.

"Orihara-san, this is not the time to be impressed. Yagiri-san was obviously manipulating you."

"And the way you reached for my seal!"

Namie produced a PDA and proceeded to type.

"No business related activities during therapy."

"This isn't business, I'm updating my Orihara Izaya observation log."

Izaya bounced closer.

"Observation log? About me? Just like I keep a Namie blog! We can so start an exchange diary thing here! To think you were thinking about me and writing about me...!"

"You're an important test subject to me. You should know that it's proper procedure to keep a log on test subjects."

"How is that not business, Yagiri-san?"

"It's not business, it's science."

"Yay for science! I'm all for! Science, banzai! All with me now, science, banzai!"

"Banzai!"

The therapy group readily echoed. One woman leaned toward Namie.

"Yagiri-san, this using your body trick...does it really work?"

"Yes. Why not use the fact that males tend to have a greater sexual drive to your advantage?"

"Is this what you mean by fighting the patriarchy?"

The therapist gestured to gather everyone's attention.

"Let us not turn this into a gender conflict."

"But if it comes to that you can count on me as an ally of women!"

"So you'll be the human table, then?"

Izaya was on a high.

"Sure thing! I am all for! We'll make it a naked dinner all around, you have to be naked too. Delicious sushi!"

Izaya winked as one amazed at his own witty intelligence.

"Fine by me. I am thinking steak."

"Steak? Wait, wouldn't you have to cut it...?"

Namie's smile was chilling.

"Exactly."

"Eh, that's not nice...I could die!"

"At most you'd get a bit cut but then again that would ruin my eating experience."

"Human table has got to be sushi! What else! Delicious fat tuna on a hot woman..."

"You're forgetting you're the one serving as the table."


	47. Chapter 47

"In that case it's delicious tuna on a hot man."

The women nodded in agreement.

"I said steak."

"Tuna steak! Deliciously nutritious."

"At times I wonder if you're sponsored by some tuna fishing company."

"Not to brag but I know a couple of people at the fish market."

By this Izaya meant that he called tabs on the entire industry.

"Then you must know that tuna is an endangered species."

"Indeed and I am all for sustainability. Never would I deplete the ocean of its tuna supply! Imagine if tuna were to go extinct, just saying it is painful, my happiness would diminish considerably."

As usual Izaya worked himself into a fever pitch.

"It is typical of megalomaniac personalities to relate any and all things to themselves."

With this bit of wisdom Namie jutted a few notes.

"I believe in myself and in my ability to make the world a better place that fits my needs."

"Orihara-san, that is too extreme to be possibly tenable. It is a good thing that you don't lack in self-confidence but there is more to the world than just you."

Izaya gasped in sheer shock and put on his indignant face.

"But doc, how can you say that? Making me out to seem a selfish person! When I am so dedicated to Namie-chan!"

"Did you just '-chan-' me?"

"It's typical for couples to do that,"

"Take it back right now, Orihara."

Izaya had a moment of visible panic that he covered up by coughing.

"Considering how modern a couple we are, perhaps we can do without '-chan'..."

One of the ladies sighed audibly on purpose.

"Imagine if we were all invited!"

"NPC are not meant to interfere with the game."

As far as Izaya knew the entire women's group was composed of faceless background characters. Fortunately the game reference went undetected. The therapist glanced at his watch.

"Right, this has been a very intense session and I think it's time to call it a day."

"Doc, why!"

"Each session is timed, Orihara-san, as I am sure you know,"

Izaya tossed a thick pack of bills on the table.

"There, let the show go on! This should cover for everyone's fee, too. If therapy is good for you more therapy is better for you!"

Namie calmly counted the bills, shrugging slightly. Someone had to keep track of the spending.

"Orihara-san, please take the money away. This isn't about money, each session is predefined to last a certain amount of time-"

"Now doc, that won't do. Time is money as we all know. So if I give you more money I can take more of your time."

Not to mention Izaya already imposed on the poor therapist's free time as it was and often with no compensation either. The women cheered. Therapy was normally rather dull but Izaya made it better than going to the movies.

"We can make today a special session."

"You heard the ladies, doc! Oh and speaking of relationships, I've been using modified otome games as practice. I used to go for galges instead but Namie is very forceful, there are more male characters like her in games so the otome genre ends up being more useful."

Without further ado Izaya produced a portable console. The therapist sighed deeply.

"Orihara-san, I must say that those games must be seen as entertainment only. To extrapolate from games to real relationships is bound to have very nefarious consequences."

"I read loud and clear, doc. But it's fun! And look, I modify the character parameters to meet Namie's as closely as possible."

It was quite a marvel of programming, Izaya tweaked the visuals too, but the therapist was hardly impressed. The women were very interested to make matters worse. Izaya was in the middle of expounding on the wonders of dating games when Namie cut him short as she was wont to do.

"Speaking of games, I was attacked by one of those rabid sub-humans at Akihabara."

"Namie! You, in Akihabara?! Why! When! Why wasn't I invited? And how come I never heard about this before!"

Izaya was mortified. Few things rattled him more than being out of the loop.


	48. Chapter 48

"Akihabara is known for its biological scum but it also caters to highly specialized electronics I need on occasion. I went to visit a new supplier to settle a deal for some circuits."

"I see! And you were attacked, you say? I'm on it. This guy won't live to put his grubby hands on another game ever again, he won't get to live to the release of the brand new patch either."

And Izaya meant it, too.

"Orihara-san, please. There is no need to resort to violence."

"The doctor is right. I handled the matter myself. With no fatalities, even."

"Still. I must hear all about this. Tch, I knew I needed to expand my area of influence into Akihabara."

It was easier said than done. Izaya could adjust to most environments and he was quirky enough to fit into Akihabara but mining for information proved considerably harder than what he anticipated.

"This creature kept taking pictures of me and calling me 'Christina'. I informed him he had the wrong person but that only sent him into an absolute frenzy."

Izaya perked up.

"'Christina', you say? What were you wearing at the time?"

"What I usually wear. Lab coat, skirt and blouse."

"Ah, so that's how it went. He thought you were cosplaying as Makise Kurise from Steins;Gate."

"'Cosplay'? Do explain."

"You've seen people walking around dressed as anime and game characters, right? That's cosplay. Akihabara is the mecca for that kind of thing."

"I thought those people were asylum patients on a field trip to re-integrate them in society."

"Eh...no, they dress up for fun, Namie!"

"If you say so."

"I can understand why that otaku mistook you for Makise, the lab coat and long hair sealed the deal, I'm sure!"

"I informed him I was not this Christina person."

"But that's the beauty of it, that's exactly what Makise would say!"

"Yagiri-san, what happened next?"

The therapist just had to know.

"The creature became more agitated as I tried to walk away and so I was forced to kick him in the stomach."

"Way to go, Namie!"

"Isn't that a bit too extreme...?"

Not that the therapist was at all surprised.

"No. I took the adequate measures. Those included destroying the camera's film. A small crowd of other deviants gathered before I could escape. It was then that a policeman arrived."

"They have policeman in Akihabara? Who knew. Maybe it was a cosplayer?"

"Either way he lectured me on my being too violence. I had to ask him why he was bothering me, a contributing member of the society, instead of locking up the unproductive denizen."

"That's right! Screw the coppers!"

"Yagiri-san, please tell me you didn't kick the police officer...?"

"I did not. Eventually he realized he was in the wrong and let me go. I managed to purchase my intended items at a fair price with no further disturbance."

"I'm glad for that, at least. Yagiri-san, you really must be more reasonable,"

"I needed some refreshment so I entered a café. I was immediately crowded by a pack of women in maid uniforms who apparently wanted to recruit me."

Izaya nearly fell out of his seat in his excitement.

"Maid!Namie! I have dreams of this!"

"Needless to say I immediately left. I found a cafe staffed entirely by males and decided to try it in the hopes of avoiding further complications."

"Oh, I've heard of this place. It's the cafe with cute guys, right? Catering to BL fans."

Namie nodded.

"Being surrounded by attractive smiling men all fawning over me proved too taxing. It was like being surrounded by so many Izayas so I left."

"Aha! You just implied I'm attractive, yay."

The therapist made sure to establish eye contact in order to command Izaya's attention.

"There is something I must discuss with you, Orihara-san. Whenever Yagiri-san provides mixed opinions about you. you latch on the positive aspect and completely disregard the negative input."

"But of course. It's called 'let's positive thinking!'"

"I fear it might be delusional."

"By now it should be obvious Izaya is indeed delusional."

"Oh, oh, oh, I know! I really do need to expand my area of influence into Akihabara. For that I require a spy. That's where you come in, Namie! You'll work undercover as a maid and gather intel."


	49. Chapter 49

Namie narrowed her eyes dangerously.

"If you order me I'll have no choice but to obey but keep in mind there will be consequences."

Trust Namie to turn submission into a definite threat. Izaya nodded to himself.

"Okay, let's scratch that idea. I can see you're not comfortable with the idea."

Izaya acted most magnanimous but the truth was he did not really want to share Maid!Namie with so many creepy customers.

"I cannot stress this enough: there are better ways of handling conflicts than resorting to violence."

Namie shrugged, let the therapist believe that if he wanted as long as he didn't come crying later when some hoodlum raped him. Namie's outlook on mankind veered toward the cynical.

"One must be very careful, this is a dangerous city. Women make easy targets if they can't defend themselves. I never leave the house without carrying a stun-gun."

And needless to say Namie produced said item. The women were extremely interested and so was Izaya.

"How does it work?"

"It's very simple. You catch your target by surprise, press here and apply."

Namie exemplified by sending a volley of electricity through Izaya's body. Izaya did not even see it coming and fell on the floor where he remained sprawled and twitching slightly.

"Orihara-san! Someone, call an ambulance! What on earth are you doing?!"

The therapist gaped and gaped some more.

"Calm down. He'll be fine in a couple of hours, I used very low voltage."

"No matter how you look at it you just attacked him! Is that low voltage, he's passed out! Wait, is he even alive...?"

Namie picked up Izaya and easily slung him over a shoulder.

"He is alive and his vitals are stable. We'll be taking our leave now, I have things to do. And I'll have that extra money back, please."

The therapist was not about to argue.

"Na...mi...e...pain...!"

"See, he can talk."

"Barely!"

Namie took the money and without further ago walked off with Izaya still slung on her shoulder.

.

Namie was indeed right: after a couple of hours of twitching Izaya returned to functional and the next day he was as fine as ever. With that said his spirits were a bit low as he sat on his favorite swivel chair. Even his self-serving attitude could not quite construe being hit with a stun gun as a proof of undying love.

He was musing on this and lazily playing chess online when in strode Namie. In a maid outfit.

Izaya blinked. And blinked again.

"Eh...the stun gun fried my brain...!"

Namie folded her arms right in front of him. It was a trademark gesture and one that accentuated her breasts considerably in this particular outfit.

"Don't be absurd, Izaya. And hurry up and get changed, we have got to hurry."

Normally Izaya was very quick on the uptake. 'Normally' did not include Namie wearing a skimpy maid outfit complete with headgear. Izaya rubbed his eyes. Then a revelation hit him.

"Namie! Could it be that you're wearing that for me? I'm touched! Now, let's get down to business,"

"Here. Change into that and call the blonde kid. I don't have all day."

A maid outfit landed on the desk. Izaya grew most perplexed.

"You mean you want me to cross-dress as a maid...? I don't mind, I'm all for kinky maid action of all sorts but why is Kida-kun invited..."

There were many mixed signs here. Namie slammed her gloved hands on the desk and leaned forward until Izaya was nearly drowning in cleavage.

"Stop wasting time. We're going to an event in Akihabara."

"Can't touch,"

"You're thinking out loud."

Izaya shook his head to clear his thoughts.

"Okay, an event...why?"

"It's a maid contest, one of the prizes is a lifelong discount of 30% on all items purchased on Akihabara. This includes the electronics I am interested in."

It was starting to make some semblance of sense but Izaya was still confused.

"And the extra outfit is for...?"

Namie produced another outfit, this one smaller, along with two wigs.

"You and the blonde kid are participating as well."

"I see. Wait, what?"

"I do not stand a fighting chance against ditzy girls who have this 'welcome back Master' routine down pat so I need you and the kid to sabotage the other contestants as much as possible."

"Oh, I like that! I really, really like that!"

"I thought you would."

Namie's smile was radiant.


	50. Chapter 50

Izaya jumped from his chair and made a quick decision.

"I'll be right back, wait a second."

His apartment was designed in such a way that made it possible to disappear into any chamber without anyone in the living room knowing exactly where one was. It came off very handy. Izaya could now sneak into his bedroom and activate a hidden closet from which he removed a very sleek maid outfit complete with fluffy cat ears.

He made sure the closet was again hidden before tiptoeing back.

"I won't even ask why you've got that."

"This outfit is costume made for you. I know your sizes by heart after all. You'll stand out from the crowd with this beauty, it makes the best of your assets and it's well tailored."

Namie nodded.

"I'll wear it. Might as well take advantage of your perversions."

"Yes!"

"Get changed, I'll call the blonde kid."

"Sure thing!"

.

Somehow Kida knew that working for Izaya would eventually strip him completely of pride and lead to some horribly humiliating situation. But it had never crossed his mind it would entail dressing up as a maid.

Namie looked at herself on the full length mirror.

"You got this costume made with my measures, right?"

"Indeed I did."

Namie adjusted the cat ears and cupped her breasts.

"It's too narrow in the chest region."

"That's deliberate."

Izaya was already dolled up in his maid outfit complete with long black wig. Kida was given a yellow maid outfit and a matching wig. He was still cursing his luck when they hit Akihabara.

Upon being summoned to Akihabara the therapist expected something very trippy. As it panned out he noticed a pretty maid sauntering in the distance, thinking about how cute she was when he realized that 'she' was indeed Orihara Izaya.

"Hi doc! Glad you could make it, we're having some 'couple bonding' time now. Yay!"

Fortunately for the therapist this required a detailed explanation provided by Izaya. So the therapist could cover his confusion and awkwardness. It was not even as even all that strange that Izaya should look so stunning as a woman but it still took the therapist aback. Enough to shake his sexual orientation.

It was such a shock that it took him a while to even notice a very sulky Kida all dressed up as a maid as well.

"Why does it have to be yellow, that's what I want to know. At least get me a decent frilly dress if you're going to drag me into your madness."

Izaya was walking ahead by himself and Kida kept pace a few steps behind and spoke under his breath. But trust Izaya to overhear him even over the din of the city.

"You should be glad, Kida-slave. Namie picked you, she must see something in you. If it were up to me I would have gone with Aoba-kun. He'd make such a pretty trap."

And with this Izaya crossed a road and the therapist and Kida were left behind.

"Who is this Aoba-kun?"

"Oh, him. Creepy guy."

"I wouldn't expect Orihara-san to ever consider anyone else 'pretty', apart from Yagiri-san."

Kida snorted.

"That's because Aoba is Minizaya. It's like the younger version of Izaya. Take a look."

Kida produced a cellphone with some difficulty, the frills were exceedingly to handle and the gloves did not help. The therapist stared at a teenage Izaya on the screen.

"How extraordinary, the resemblance is uncanny. Are they related?"

"I bet Aoba sprung up from Orihara-san's ego. Too big for just a person so it split in two."

From the other side of the road Izaya waved at them.

"Hurry up already!"

.

The therapist thought that the day could not get crazier. But he had to review his premises as he saw Namie whose maid outfit was expertly tailored, with a clear emphasis on the bust area. To make things even stranger she wore a cat ear contraption on a maid headpiece.

She was studying the competition, a long line of maids.

"This is highly uncomfortable but it seems you had a point, it's an advantage in this environment."

"So true! Just the right amount of cleavage to do the trick. What we have to worry about is the lolicon crowd."

Kida felt a bit better, there were plenty of yellow maid outfits out there so at least he wouldn't stand out too much.

"The borderline pedophiles? I see, they may indeed be problematic."

"They're more likely to vote for Kida-kun here, he's loli bait."


	51. Chapter 51

"I'm not loli bait! If anything I'm shota bait."

The craziness was getting to Kida.

"If I say you're loli bait then you're loli bait, Masako-slave."

"Masako-slave?! Remind me why I work for you again."

"Because a)I know all about your darkest secrets and b)no one else would hire you."

There was nothing Kida could say to refuse this. The therapist was still fascinated at Izaya's ease as a crossdresser.

"Orihara-san, er, just how do you manage to dress up like that...? I mean, the underwear must be..."

"Ah, that. The secret is tucking, tucking. It's well worth it once we win."

By now Izaya was whispering into the therapist's ear.

"I see,"

"This is how I see it: we win, my amazing skills having paid a big role, and Namie feels ever so thankful. The result: hot sex. I have a van parked by for that purpose."

"I can't help but think you're heading for another major disappointment."

The therapist did not want to admit it to himself but he was looking forward to it. Izaya's grand meltdowns were very amusing and somehow they never managed to keep him down for long. He expected the maid trio to take their spot on the long queue so he was quite surprised when they seemed to set camp on a nearby alley. They went as far as producing laptops.

"Orihara-san, what are you doing now...?"

"I've already enrolled us but first let us weed out some of the competition or else we'll be here all day. And Namie does not like to waste time."

"Less talk and more action."

Izaya nodded most enthusiastically.

"We're on the same mind length, I see! But I like to combine talk and action,"

"Orihara? Shut up and work."

"Yes, m'am. Okay, target locked and go!"

Izaya hit a key with a flourish gesture worthy of Death Note. Almost immediately cell phones began to ring across the street. Then the otaku broke out in an outbreak of outrage and nearly chased away one of the prettiest girls who wisely made a dash for it and disappeared subway-wise.

Izaya rocked back and forth and giggled.

"What did you do, exactly...?"

"Ah, doc, at times I scare myself. I'm so good at my job! I just leaked pictures of that girl with her boyfriend."

"Why were they upset by that?"

Izaya could hardly contain himself.

"Otaku have this silly thing for 'purity', they want their girls to completely boyfriend-free otherwise they are immediately branded as sluts and shamed."

"If there was any need for further proof of how primitive this creatures are then this is it."

For once the therapist agreed. And so did Kida.

"No wonder girls don't like them. I mean, what's there to like?"

Izaya shrugged.

"They serve a purpose. We still need to knock out a few more girls. Time for Stage Two of Operation Getting Rid of Girls. Everything is already in place."

Izaya rubbed his gloved hands together and jumped a few times. Across the street the girls were being served drinks and in less than a minute the line had halved in size as the girls began to groan and then ran to the nearest building. The therapist caught up on what was going on almost right away.

"You poisoned them?!"

"Doc, 'poison' is such a horrible way of putting it. I just added a laxative to the beverages. It'll cause no permanent damage. It's all good, neh?"

Kida swallowed, his throat suddenly very dry. He reminded himself to not cross Izaya if he knew what was good for him.

"Let us go."

"Yes, Namie! Operation Maid desu-desu is on."

And so the maid trio took their place at the end of the by now considerably shorter queue. They caused quite a stir, being late arrivals just when so many girls had dropped out. Izaya smiled his bright smile and posed for the cameras. Kida hoped a hole in the concrete might spring up and swallow him whole. Namie stared at the otaku as one might consider some very primitive species at a zoo.


	52. Chapter 52

The first stage of the contest consisted of a cutesy self-introduction on the part of each contestant. To that effect the girls climbed a stage one by one and put on their super cute act.

Izaya went first. He skipped up the stairs with more self possession than most of the girls. Clearly, gender was not as important as poise. And Izaya had plenty of poise. He started off by smiling broadly and waving with both hands.

"Hello! I'm Kanra, you can call me Kan-chama. I am so happy to be here! A-ki-ba for life! All with me now, A-ki-ba for life!"

And just like this the whole crowd chanted after Izaya who winked and made a V.

"Now say, O-ta-kus are the scum of the earth! Just kidding! Please vote for Kan-chama!"

Izaya waved manically and made way for the next girl. Who actually was a girl.

By the time Kida's turn rolled by he was absurdly nervous. Fortunately he could take refuge in giddiness.

"Hiya all! I'm Masako, Masa-chan for short! Nice meeting you all, let's get along!"

Kida was planning to bow prettily but he feared the wig might fall so he just waved goodbye.. His girl persona was not half as flirty as normal, Kida was very much afraid of the otakus. Namie climbed the stairs most elegantly and bowed formally enough. Which gained her immediate points, it was very maiden-like and showed plenty of cleavage.

"Hello. I am Yagiri Namie."

And that was she had to say. It could be a failure but Namie carried herself with a kind of austere grace that made for an excellent ice queen.

The second stage of the contest included making a parfait to the tasted and graded by a panel of rather disheveled men. Or so the therapist could not help but see them, something their clothes seemed to haphazard.

A long table was placed on the platform with all the ingredients they could hope for provided.

Kida freaked out for he had no idea of how to make a parfait. He glanced frantically at Izaya who simply waved in a friendly and very useless way. As for Namie she asked for a special scales that she used to measure each ingredient with great accuracy.

Lost at sea, Kida decided to play the ditzy card for all it was worth. He simply tossed random things together and did the cutesy act when it was plain to see he was absolutely clueless. He expected Izaya to do just the same but apparently Kanra-chama had some skills and knew what to do. How was anyone's guess.

"And now, a lucky extra judge will be picked from the audience! Number...79! Please come to the stage!"

To Kida's absolute horror and dismay he saw none other than Mikado climb the stage. Mikado looked mostly perplexed but he did cast a fugitive glance at Masako and proceeded to blush before looking away.

At this point Kida managed to drag Izaya off-stage.

"What is Mikado doing here?!"

"How should I know? It's not as if I keep tabs on him."

"Yes, you do! You keep tabs on everyone."

"Oh, good point."

"We should leave,"

Izaya tilted his head to the side and smiled creepily.

"Leave? Whatever do you mean, Masako-chan? Surely you realize that my sex life is at stake here?"

"What do I care about your sex life! Mikado will recognize me and it'll go to hell! How am I supposed to explain this to me?!"

"Masako, this childish selfish attitude of yours will not help you. And Mikado-kun will not recognize anyone if you play your cards well. Neh?"

"...could you not call me Masako...?"

"Time for parfait judging, Masako-chan."

"...forget I spoke."

"Kanra-chama always forgives! But let us not disappoint Kanra-chama. Nothing good from making Kanra-chama cross."

And with this pearl of wisdom Kanra-chama hopped back to the spotlight leaving a borderline despairing Kida to follow.

It turned out that Namie's parfait was a hit with all the judges who raved about it. Even Mikado had to admit it was very tasty and perfectly balanced. Izaya's went well with the judged because he poured extra vanilla, some of which 'accidentally' dirtied a finger that he proceeded to slowly lick. Izaya was crafty enough to of course remove his gloves beforehand.


	53. Chapter 53

Kida presented his parfait and had to hope for the best. He wanted to be cut at this stage, odds are things were bound to get even crazier from now on, but he knew Izaya would punish him in some way or another. Kida smiled greatly and overacted greatly.

"Masako tried her best, she put her heart into this!"

Mikado loved the parfait even though the actual taste was disgustingly sweet. He would have noticed it if not for the fact that he found Masako so very cute, she reminded him of someone, his heart was all aflutter.

Izaya cackled behind a fan that he had somehow produced. This was way too fun.

And with this the contestants were narrowed down to a mere twenty. The next stage included presenting a special skill. Again Kida was at a loss. He had no idea of what to do so he just went with the obvious and sang a pop tune to the best of his knowledge. All that karaoke practice paid off in the end. He hoped that the constant winking and silly hand gesturing might work on his favor. And all along he was dreadfully afraid the wig would fall.

Mikado liked the performance. A lot. Much more than he should.

Both Kida and the therapist were both curious to see what Izaya's special talent was. Kida expected Izaya to also sing, Izaya's singing voice was very good and he should be fine if he could adjust to a higher key.

"Everyone, so glad to see you all here! Kan-chama will be showing her parkor skills today! I hope you all like it! And if you then you're nothing but human garbage! Just kidding, pururin!"

Whatever 'pururin' might be was unclear but in the end irrelevant. True to his word Izaya put on a parkor show but instead of the usual acrobatics it was more of extreme yoga done very slowly and bordering on striptease. All he was missing was a pole to dance around. Izaya started out by walking on his hands, the many skirts fluttering about. Then he did some cartwheels that showed a lot of leg.

Not content Izaya spread his legs on the floor and did some crazy bending, then slid about and twirled some. He got up by lifting his ass high in the air and went as far as wiggling it. Even Kida found it sexy and he knew for a fact that Izaya was a guy. Also, how Izaya's wig managed to stay on place seemed nothing short of miraculous.

Namie's turn came around. She asked for a slice of concrete to be produced and proceeded to easily destroy it with one swift leg drop that made for a panty shot. But she was not quite done yet. A volunteer was selected and Namie promptly kicked him in the gut and sent him hurling through the air, landing on the concrete below the platform. He missed landing on the therapist by sheer chance, in fact. The therapist jumped in surprise and seriously considered leaving. It's not as if Izaya would notice and Namie would not at all care either way.

Izaya followed Namie's performance closely and managed not to drool with some difficulty. His hands flexed of their own accord for boobies were on his mind. Fortunately Izaya had a way of snapping to attention just when necessary. Just as the therapist was about to slip away Izaya spotted him and waved enthusiastically enough.

The host decided that something of a break was in order after the intense skills' display and so approached Mikado who was still a bit confused and not precisely sure he understood what was going on. Why Yagiri Namie was on a maid contest was beyond him.

"Aren't you a lucky one, getting to taste of these parfaits and being this close to all our lovely maid candidates. What brings you to Akiba today?"

He asked because it was obvious Mikado was not a regular.

"A friend told me there was this event going on that I'd be interested in...I can't seem to find him, though."

Kida glared at Izaya most furiously but Izaya was busy whistling but he did now wink at Kida and go,

"Try your best, Masa-chan!"

Kida knew for sure it had been Izaya inviting Mikado.

"What was your favorite parfait? You gave a perfect 10 to Masa-chan's! It didn't look too tasty to me."

Mikado fumbled some.

"Masako-san did her best and that shows in her parfait,"

"That's the true Akiba spirit!"

Kida was forced to smile and bow to Mikado. Which was difficult, the wig again. The host suddenly straightened up.


	54. Chapter 54

"Mizuiro-chan, I'm so sorry! I was just informed that you're one year too young to enter our competition. I am very sorry but we must disqualify you. Do try again next year!"

There was a general rumor of consternation for Mizuiro, a petite blue clad maid whose blueberry parfait and mermaid dance had won the crowd, was one of the favorites. Suddenly, she was throwing her wig on the floor, stomping on it, and cursing under her breath.

"Tch, godamn. Managed to crossdress just fine only to get disqualified because of the age as if you guys weren't all loli pedos as it is! Loli pedos, the whole lot!"

And Aoba, for Mizuiro was no other than he, pointed a gloved finger at the whole lot. Then he dropped the gloves in a rage as if about to announce a duel. Almost everyone was in a complete shock. Izaya had recognized Aoba right away and was having the time of his life. Mikado was on his feet, agape and utterly at a loss.

Aoba was not quite done.

"And Mikado-senpai, my parfait was better! 8 out of 10?! It was a solid 10! And to give 10 to yellow whore of Babylon there, what's up with that!"

Kida had been called many a thing in his life. 'Whore of Babylon', however, and 'yellow' at that, was so bizarre that he did not even know exactly what Aoba meant.

"Hmm...you're getting your colors wrong, I believe it's the 'scarlet woman' you mean."

Izaya could not resist letting his erudition show but for once no one was paying him any attention.

"A-Aoba-kun, what are you...why...?"

"I have my reasons. What I'd like to know is what's so good about this Masa-chan chick."

Mikado decided that no explanation was forthcoming so he might as well give up altogether. It was this attitude that often saw him through very rough situations. He figured he could use this opportunity for causing an impression on Masako.

"Masako-san, I apologize for my kouhai's rude behavior. I do not know what got into him but insulting you like this is unacceptable. I will have you a word with you later, Aoba-kun."

Kida jumped at being directly addressed.

"Er, it's okay, really..."

All Kida wanted was for the craziness to end. Apparently Aoba was too mad over being disqualified after going to all the trouble of dolling up and prancing up to even recognize Kida or Izaya.

Aoba was about to launch on an angry rant but Namie cut him short with a swift chop to the back of the neck that knocked him flat in no time.

"There. Let us proceed, we are wasting time."

"You- did you just kill Aoba-kun?!"

Kida surely hoped so. It would be the first time Namie ever did something to help him out.

"Do not be preposterous. He is unconscious, he'll come around soon enough. Let us move on."

At this point Izaya thought to himself that he had been ignored for too long. So he let out a loud sob and sank to his knees, tears brimming on his eyes.

"It's so awful, to think guys can dress up as girls like that! I, I trusted Mizuiro-chan, I thought we were friends but it was all a lie! This isn't kabuki, that kind of thing is wrong! What kind of world is this, where guys can deceive everyone like this! There's no morals anymore, I feel so afraid now, who can I trust! Who will protect me!"

And Izaya actually burst out crying. With many a tear streaming down his face. But Kida and the therapist noticed the absence of snot or anything at all unseemly. Clearly Izaya knew how to weep most maiden-like.

Kida could not help being impressed, the level of hypocrisy was unheard of even by Izaya's standards. Izaya united his hands, turned his teary eyes upwards and actually prayed.

"Oh, Akiba gods, please watch over your servant Kanra as she faces the many dangers of traps out to hurt her! Pururin."

Pururin, indeed. By now most of the crowd was sobbing as well. Only Kida, the therapist and Mikado remained unaffected.

Aoba was carried offstage by well built staff that apparently had been lurking unseen until now. Mikado was torn, he should probably see to Aoba's safety but at the same time he would rather make the best of this opportunity and chat to Masako.

"How touching, how touching Kan-chama! There's no need for a vote, you're the winner!"

"Eh...?"

"Congratulations, Kanra-chama!"


	55. Chapter 55

For all his planning Izaya had not counting on actually winning. He prepared to simply decline but Namie seemed actually happier with this outcome.

"What did I win, exactly...?"

It occurred to Izaya that he did not even know what the prize was apart from the fabled 30% discount. The host lost no time enlightening him.

"You will become the face of Akiba! The biggest maid cafe will hire you and place you on the window as a representative of the Akihabara girl! Also, you have a 30% discount on all goods purchased on the sacred Akiba grounds."

At this point it dawned on Izaya that this served Namie's purposes perfectly, she would have him buy all her electronics from now on and thus making use of the amazing discount. Izaya did not care for running errands like that and he would of course need to dress up as a girl in order to do it but then again it would greatly improve his position in Namie's eyes.

"I see! It's such an honor!"

"And the best part: you'll record two songs, a solo and another song with the fabulous AKB48! And there's more! You will release your very own photo album!"

Izaya felt a bit faint. It was one thing to dress up as a girl for an event and then call it quits and a whole different thing to keep at it and even shoot a photo album. The chances of his true gender being discovered had suddenly multiplied. He decided to make the best of it and go along with this for a while, Namie could get all the electronics we wanted in the meantime.

"Thank you all so much, Kanra-chan loves you! This contest allowed to meet so many wonderful girls, I was wondering who placed in second and third?"

"Aw, that is nice of you to care for your fellow contestants! In second place, Yagiri Namie-chan! She wins two brand new maid outfits. Third place is Masako-chan, she gets a one new maid outfit."

Kida quite liked the way things were panning out, for once. It served Izaya right. He did not care for any maid outfits but it could be a lot worse. Mikado smiled his adorably shy smile.

"A shame you didn't win, Masako-san. I would have voted for you but I think it might be for the best not to get too involved with these people."

The Akiba lifestyle did not go down well with Mikado. He gave Masako-chan his cell phone number but decided not to ask for hers lest he seemed too forward.

Izaya was crowned amidst a rain of confetti and received a sash with 'Miss Akiba Mai' written on it. He waved and smiled beautifully. Both Namie and Kida received smaller sashes and had to wave some of well.

There was a triumphal march with Izaya sitting on a throne atop a crazy gaudy pageant car, Kida and Namie sitting bellow. Before they embarked Izaya had a few words with Kida.

"Masa-chan, you'll be calling Mikado-kun on these days and going on a date with him."

"Wait, why?!"

"Consider me doing you a favor, it's obvious your love life isn't going nowhere, girls aren't just into you. It's time to switch to guys, Mikado-kun is obviously smitten. And while you're at it see that you can get some useful information out of him."

"...that's your real reason, isn't it...you want me to spy on Mikado."

"Why, here I am, full of good intentions and this is how you react. So ungrateful, Masa-chan. Honestly now, do you think most employers would go to such pains? I assure you they would not."

"Ah..."

"Also, if I have to dress up like a girl some more then so will you. Otherwise there's no justice in the world. Neh?"

Kida had nothing to say. The therapist followed the parade and wondered how the next therapy session would go.

*

The therapist did not have long to wait. Within a week he was summoned to Izaya's apartment but when he arrived he found no Izaya. Instead Namie was presiding and barely bothered to look away from the computer screen when the therapist arrived.

"Where is Orihara-san?"

"He'll be back shortly."

Indeed, within five minutes Izaya walked into the apartment. Izaya in maid mode, that is, complete with the wig. He immediately flung himself on the sofa after kicking off his shoes.

"Ah, doc, so glad of you to make it...those otaku are working me to the bone, to the bone I say! How is standing on a window for hours on end a prize?! It's torture, that's what it is!"


	56. Chapter 56

"Good thing you won, I cannot be expected to do such things."

And this was all Namie had to say on the subject. Izaya sighed heavily and sat on the sofa.

"Doc, life is full of suffering. Fortunately I have a beautiful voice so recording songs is going smoothly enough. But it takes so much time! I am a busy person! As a result the time left for sex is zero!"

"We achieved our goal, Izaya. I do thank you for that."

Izaya recovered on the spot.

"At least there's that! But enough with these awful skirts and frilly stuff."

Izaya skipped away and returning as his usual self, bubbly and in gender appropriate clothes. Izaya was ready to resume his never exhausted topic about how to increase his chances of having sex but Namie anticipated him.

"Since you have been complaining even more than usual as of late I have come up with the perfect solution."

Izaya perked up.

"Do tell, Namie!"

Namie produced two boxes from which she produced some items in latex. Namely, replicas of breasts and of female genitalia. The therapist was as flabbergasted as Izaya.

"Yagiri-san, that is...?"

"Anatomically correct models of parts of my body. Feel free to use them. I've been told the texture is remarkably life-like."

Izaya turned the breasts on his hands.

"Eh...the texture, you say...? Wait, how did you get this done...?"

"The molding process is very uncomfortable but it should be worth it. I got it done at Akihabara."

"Ah...I see...so I'm supposed to use this thingies instead of having delicious sexing...?"

"That is the idea, yes. I have some bigger breast molds if you'd like,"

"No way! That's not the problem, the problem is...everything! How can sex toys ever replace real sex! Not to mention I do not agree with the whole thing. Tell her, doc!"

In his dismay Izaya turned to the therapist who in all honesty had no idea what to say. Therapy was Izaya and Namie was full of oddities.

"You're right, I was forgetting the main part. Here."

Namie produced a featureless blow-up doll and proceeded to apply the fake boobs and vagina to the body. Izaya stared, dumbfounded.

"Is that...is that supposed to replace you?!"

"It has a self-lubricating function for extra realism."

"It's a blowup doll! No matter how you look at it, it's a blowup doll!"

Namie seemed to be considering something then retrieved Izaya's wig and gingerly placed it on the doll's head.

"There. It should be fine now."

Izaya face-palmed.

"I don't want a blowup doll, it's got to be you! Tell her, doc!"

"I think Orihara-san has a point. Sex toys should never replace a healthy sex life."

"You heard the guy, he's a doctor and he agrees with me!"

Namie shrugged as if they were all mere mortals to be trampled on if need be.

"I was trying to help."

Izaya sobbed.

"That's just mean of you, Namie. You know hot sexing is also about emotions, emotions!"

"You are repeating yourself."

"Besides, this doll won't kick me out of bed nor will it walk over me."

"Orihara-san, it seems to me you have something of a masochistic mindset. It is something we should address."

"Well doc, just try to think about it! Dominatrix!Namie, how hot would that be! What with whips and chains and cool latex suits! But within limits otherwise I suspect it would not fare all too well with me. But the mental picture is mind blowing."

And of course Izaya entertained said mental picture at the moment. The therapist coughed to get Izaya's attention, having just made a breakthrough.

"I believe that this masochistic complex is one of the main reasons why you are pursuing a relationship with Yagiri-san in the first place. Otherwise you would surely look for a partner that was less hostile."

"Doc, you saying I should cheat on my woman?"

The therapist knew he had just committed a blunder by the way Izaya leered at him. But Namie came to the rescue, surprisingly enough.

"Considering your libido and your personality I too find it rather odd that you should insist on only one sexual partner."

Izaya gasped, suddenly mortified.

"How come you two think I'm some sort of man slut?!"

"It is perfectly consistent with your personality."


	57. Chapter 57

Izaya was prepared to go an rant of righteous indignation but his cell phone alarm went off which prompted him to dash to the remote control, turning on the television and flipping through the channels like a man possessed.

"What are you doing?"

"It's on! They playing my song, Namie, look!"

And indeed Izaya was on television. Or to be more accurate, Kanra was on television complete with a cute pink dress and matching boots. And singing a bubbly song about, of course, undying love. Izaya went as far as to bounce as he watched it.

"Is that the song you supposedly wrote for me?"

"Yes! Not 'supposedly', I did write it for you. Pretty cool if I may say so myself."

"You have a surprisingly pleasant singing voice."

"Thanks! But why surprising? I had to change some of the lyrics, unfortunately. They're going to release it as a single."

"Perhaps being an Idol in an all girl band is your true calling in life."

"Namie, how can you say that! I'm not a girl, for starters."

The therapist was still taken aback by the extraordinary in character singing, so much that he almost forgot himself.

"It's easy to forget, such a beautiful voice and even the body!"

"Oy, doc. This is getting a bit creepy."

The therapist needed a moment to gather himself. Namie helped by dumping a glass of cold water on him.

"Thanks...I needed that."

An awkward silence followed as the therapist dried himself. Izaya suddenly spoke up with his usual random enthusiasm.

"I just decided! I'll turn Kan-chan into the first lesbian Idol!"

Namie raised an eyebrow.

"Is that wise? It doesn't strike me as a good career option."

Izaya waved such objections away.

"No matter! Being Kan-chan has taught me how lesbians feel, at heart I am a lesbian male!"

"Kan-chan can use this very anatomically correct doll."

"Namie, why so mean...let's forget the doll. How can I snuggle with a piece of plastic?"

"It retains warmth, it feels most lifelike."

"Eh...I'll pass. Doc, are you back with us?"

The therapist nodded a bit weakly.

"Good! Because I know how we can get right on track and invest on our relationship. It's got to be...a swimming pool outing! And before you shoot it down, Namie, do hear me out. Aquatic exercises, most healthy. See? They're offering a course and I thought to myself, we totally had to try it!"

Izaya produced a flyer. Namie studied it.

"This does seem interesting."

"I told you!"

"I am not wearing a bikini."

Izaya looked shocked.

"It's as if you read my mind!"

"Your mind can be very predictable."

"No worries, Namie. I promise I'll get you a one piece swimming suit."

"Alright."

It called for a happy dance.

Namie walked to the pool's edge edge where Izaya was already waiting in his swimming gear and glared at him and at the poor therapist who had been dragged along as per usual.

"Orihara, there will be consequences to this. Rest assured."

Izaya smiled happily. Namie was wearing a black swimming suit trimmed with some glimmering gold. It was form fitting number, the lower and top halves held by a small golden piece fastened over the belly button so that for all practical purposes it was more a bikini than an actual one piece given the skin exposure of the sides, most of the belly and back.

"I was true to my word! It's a one piece, one piece. Besides, you will notice it is not white nor transparent so you need to worry."

"If it were you would not live to tell the tale."

Izaya giggled childishly.

"No point in hiding what's beautiful to behold!"

Izaya had entered the pool and was standing in waist high water when his nose began to bleed.

"Orihara-san, you're bleeding!"

"Ah, this? Not big deal, just didn't think I'd get to see Namie in a hot swimming suit outside of dreams, that is!"

"Get out of the pool, you're bleeding all over the place."

Indeed a small pool of blood was gathering around him.

"Namie, you care, down deep, you care!"

"You're dirtying the water. If you expect me to join you then you will stop polluting the pool."


	58. Chapter 58

"Will do! Doc, give me a hand."

Gingerly enough, Izaya sauntered out of the pool and to the locker rooms where he applied a tissue to his nose.

"Are you alright, Orihara-san? Perhaps you should reschedule to another time."

The therapist had always believed that nosebleeds resulting from sexual arousal were a myth but clearly they applied to at least some people. Or to Orihara Izaya, to be more specific.

"Doc, I have a plan. The swimming pool scenario is full of potential, that much is obvious. Most people are angling for a wardrobe malfunction and to see some boobie but I am aiming higher than that. I am going for the old 'CPR kiss' parameter."

"CPR kiss parameter...?"

"That's right. I'll pretend to be drowning, Namie will rescue me and then perform CPR on me. It's absolutely perfect, it's a bonding experience as seeing me in danger will make her realize how much she loves me, and it's hot like wow!"

"Orihara-san, I can see this going very, very wrong."

"That's because you lack creative vision! Don't feel bad, not everyone can be a genius."

"Orihara-san, you do know how to swim, right?"

The therapist could see this ending in tragedy all too easily.

"But of course. Let's go! Time's a-wasting!"

While the health benefits of water exercises was a mere pretext Izaya ended up enjoying himself immensely. He threw himself int the drills with his characteristic enthusiasm that increased greatly considering Namie was right next to him. Every now and then Izaya splashed her way less than accidentally.

By the time they were through Izaya was buzzing and ready to implement his grand plan. Izaya pretended to trip on his way out of the pool and proceeded to splutter awkwardly enough.

"Namie! Help!"

He couldn't quite see what happened next since he had to close his eyes to better to feign unconsciousness. But everything was panning out as planned, he was soon lifted from the water and placed on the floor, flat on his back. And then something went horribly wrong.

Something bristly was crushed against his lips, at which point Izaya opened his eyes and found a mustached man about to preform CPR on him. The shock was great but Izaya reacted almost right away by kicking the poor man and then rubbing his lips most obsessively.

"The horror, what the! What just happen! Gah!"

"He's the lifeguard."

Izaya was still slightly dazed.

"What!"

Meanwhile the poor lifeguard had approached.

"It seems you'll be fine."

"Not thanks to you, you, you Stalin!"

"Stalin...?"

"What with the whiskers and complete disrespect for human rights! Why don't you send me to a gulag and have it done with!"

The man's confusion was great. Izaya squirmed some more on the floor as if unable to get up from the horror, the horror. Namie had to intervene.

"Orihara, stop this foolishness."

"But, but,"

"You ought to thank him instead of throwing a tantrum."

Izaya grew glum as tended to happen when his foolproof plans failed disastrously. He was suddenly very cold, very wet and quite miserable. Then he began to feel somewhat dizzy, his forehead burning.

"Gah...I don't feel too good,"

Izaya fully expected to be ignored so he was caught by surprise when Namie knelt by his side and placed a hand on his forehead.

"You're running a very high fever. We're going to the hospital."

"Hospitals aren't cool..."

With that said, Izaya did not have enough strength to put up much of a fight. His legs were wobbly as he tried to get up and Namie had to lend him her shoulder. Izaya was too dizzy to even appreciate it.

Before he knew exactly what was happening Namie had towed him to a hospital, the therapist tagging along. Izaya must have passed out at some point because the next thing he new he was tucked in his own bed and waking up to a dull headache, his body feeling very heavy.

"Gah...oh look, it's Namie!"

Izaya's ailments almost left him at realizing that Namie was sitting by the bedside.

"It's about time you wake up."

"Whatever happened?"

"The doctor says you're suffering from exhaustion. Together with loss of blood and all that energetic flailing about in the water it made you ill."


	59. Chapter 59

"Exhaustion, you say? I do feel a tad tired."

"Adding a very demanding part-time job as a Idol to your already hectic schedule along with the usual prancing led to this result. It was to be expected and I should have seen it coming."

"Speaking of that, I must hurry. Kan-chan has a shooting session soon."

Izaya made as if to jump out of bed but Namie easily held him down.

"You're not going anywhere. I've canceled all your Idol appointments."

"But Kan-chan must perform! She's going to be nominated for the 'rookie award of the year', you see."

"I do not care. The doctor prescribed absolute rest and that's what you'll be having. I've cleared out your schedule for the next two weeks."

"Two weeks! It's too lonesome."

"I'll be moving in with you for a while."

Izaya could not quite believe his ears. Despite being prone to wishful thinking he often found it difficult to immediately accept when things went precisely the way he wanted without his doing anything in that direction. It stemmed from his deeply seated belied in his ability to achieve great things by sheer strength of will, so much so that when great things simply happened he was a bit at a loss.

Izaya blinked.

"Moving in...?"

"Yes. Otherwise there is no telling what you will do, prancing about crazily and,"

"Namie! Living together! Like a married couple!"

Izaya's eyes glittered, his joy overflowing all the more for being so unexpected. He grabbed Namie's hands, lurching madly in a sudden fit of happiness, and Nami allowed it because if she were to dodge Izaya was sure to fall flat on his face and presently she was bent on keeping him safe from harm.

"If anything it is more like a nurse and her patient."

"Oh, that works too! Nurse!Namie..."

Izaya trailed off as he imagined Izaya in a sexy nurse outfit. He was fond of doing, actually. The nurse outfit was one of Izaya's many reveling costumes for Namie, including the already famous maid dress.

"Whatever you are thinking you better stop now."

"Yes, Namie-sama! Living together, how wondrous! It is too emotional!"

And indeed Izay had to wipe a tear. Namie was forced to smile to hid it by tossing her hair most peremptorily.

"We need you to recover as soon as possible to try not to hyperventilate too much. Tranquility of the essence."

"I am for tranquility! Why, I am tranquil to a fault!"

"You are only tranquil in your sleep."

"Speaking of which, bring your pillow over!"

"What do you mean?"

"You'll of course be sleeping with me, hence your pillow...oh, unless you wants us yo share the same pillow? That's delicious!"

"It's amazing how your imagination runs away with you. And I'll be sleeping in the guestroom."

"No way! I was just thinking of sleeping, nothing else...you know that having a warm body around has great healing properties."

Izaya nodded solemnity as if this was matter of fact knowledge.

"Obviously sex is out of the question. The whole point is making sure you do not overexert yourself."

Namie was ready for the usual whining but Izaya smiled brilliantly.

"That's okay! As long as I can have you around, I will not ask for anything else. It is already pure happiness."

This did catch Namie off guard and for a few moments she was unsure of how to react.

"At any rate, you are to rest. Is that understood?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

Namie enjoyed Izaya in his submissive mode more than it was probably healthy. Then again, their relationship was essentially unhealthy in more ways than one.

"This means no dallying on the internet either."

"Not even cat videos? Cat videos are so relaxing!"

"Alright but I'm supervising your internet time."

"Sure thing! More together is better. I got to call the therapist, he might have some ideas on what to do during our honeymoon."

"This is not a honeymoon."

But Izaya was already in his Izaya world and did not even hear her.

The following day the therapist visited the oddball couple at Izaya's request. He had already been informed of Izaya's recovering status and told not to 'excite him any further', Namie's words.

Namie was leaving just as he arrived.

"I have to run some errands, make sure Izaya behaves."


	60. Chapter 60

He found Izaya lounging on the main sofa.

"Doc! I am so glad to see you!"

"How are you doing, Orihara-san?"

The therapist expected to find Izaya in the best of spirits so he was shocked to see him looking pale and quite anguished. Izaya was sitting in bed.

"Doc, it's the greatest crises of my life...!"

Such grandiose statements that went beyond dramatic were not uncommon but the therapist by Izaya's voice, it did sound so depressed that he was positively puzzled.

"Has something happened? I thought you were just suffered from fatigue, is it something more serious?"

Izaya nodded forlornly.

"The pain, oh the pain! The doctors told me that I've been overexerting myself too much for too long...so much so that I can't get it up until I have some proper rest!"

The therapist blinked.

"So it's a temporary problem that will be cured with rest?"

Izaya gesticulated wildly in what the doctor supposed was indignation.

"Doc, you're missing the point! Sure, I agreed to a no sex policy during this cohabitation deal but I didn't really mean it! This is the absolutely perfect opportunity for rehearsing the honeymoon and look what happens!"

"Perhaps thinking of it as a honeymoon rehearsal is not the best way of going about-"

"But it gets worse! I am seriously worried! You see, Namie is going through her fertile period presently. Normally when that happens I am always available but not so now! What if I'm replaced by some sex toy!"

"That is a possibility, yes."

"Why so mean, you're supposed to console me! I'm done working or doing anything at all, ruined my sex life. I now understand NEETS and shut-ins! I too feel like never leaving my room ever again!"

"If you do that Yagiri-san would be gone before. But Orihara-san, do be reasonable. Is this fertile period business even at all accurate? Do you see much of a difference?"

Izaya gathered himself somewhat, during his tantrum he had tossed himself backwards in an attitude of defeat.

"Of course. Thing is, I am aware that most of my efforts for getting laid will result in disaster. My window of opportunity coincides almost perfectly with Namie's fertile period that I of course keep track."

"Ah...but if that is so why do even try all the time?"

Izaya sighed.

"Doc, you'll die single, mark my words. If I only tried during her fertile period Namie would realize it almost immediately and be too much on her guard. I won't then stand a chance. But if I act the same all the time then she may miss it and just go with the flow when it suits her."

"Orihara-san, you're too calculating."

"Not too sure a veteran virgin has any right of lecturing me."

The therapist blushed deeply.

"How do you know-"

"Tsk, tsk, of course I know. I make it my business to know all things about all people. Didn't I tell you I researched you?"

"There's a limit to what one can research!"

"Hmm...doc, keep thinking that way. We all need a little bit of illusion in our lives. Neh?"

By now the therapist suspected that Izaya was unleashing his frustration by unleashing on him. The therapist decided that a change of topic was most necessary, he introduced it with a fake cough.

"Anyway, this could be a good opportunity for deepening your relationship beyond sex."

"That's right! I can show Namie how obedient I can be. Thanks doc, I feel better now. Maybe I'll tell Kida-trap he can come back now."

"Did something happen to Kida-kun...?"

The therapist felt immensely sorry for poor Kida.

"Nothing too bad. I just ordered him to go on a date with Mikado, Kida has great trap skills and Mikado is smitten."

"Orihara-san, that's an awful thing to do!"

Izaya shrugged.

"But doc, I was feeling low...why should I be the only one miserable? Oh, speaking of the devil."

Izaya's phone was ringing and sure enough it was Kida. Izaya smiled gleefully as the pressed the button to put the call on loudspeaker.

"Kida-trap! How you doing?"

"Don't call me that! More importantly, this is a bad idea! This date thing!"

"Eh? Why?"

"What do you mean why?!"

"Where are you, exactly?"

"Like you told me, we're in Disneyland. About to ride the Ferris Wheel!"


	61. Chapter 61

"Aww...so romantic! Young love,"

"Oh shut up! Mikado will find out!"

"Hmm...how come?"

"How come?! Those are tiny cabins! He'll be too close!"

"Calm down, Kida-trap. Why, Masako is a virtuous girl, isn't she? If she keeps her virtuous ways intact there's no way Mikado will find out. Or are you planning on letting him get to second or even third base? So naughty, Masako-chan~"

Only now did Kida notice a certain echo.

"You put this call on loudspeaker mode, didn't you."

"I'll never tell~!"

"You're the devil! The devil!"

"You know, I was about to let you off the hook but if you're taking that attitude..."

Kida sighed.

"I apologize for my tone, Orihara-san. I will no longer call you devil. May I please be excused from this date now, please."

"You know, you could be missing out on your one true love!"

"...I'm not."

"Kida-kun, we all know you're a failure with girls. I think it is time you expand your horizons. And let me tell you, it'd be Mikida all the way: you're bottom material through and through."

"...I'll have to go through this, won't I."

"Do your best, Kida-bottom! And remember, I'm doing it for your own good. Mikado won't be none the wiser for a kiss of two- hello? He-l-l-o? Ma-sa-u-ke? Tch, hanging up on him. So rude."

The therapist was speechless for a while.

"Orihara-san, have you considered that you might be too sadistic for proper human interaction?"

"Eh? So not true, doc! I'll have you know that I'm more much M. Why, even in my fantasies with ropes and whatnot I'm the one who gets all tied up and hoisted up from the ceiling."

It was yet another moment of too much information. Needless to say that to an informant there was no such thing.

"I hope you have the common sense of keeping that in the realm of fantasy, Orihara-san. Otherwise it could be dangerous."

"Aye, reading you loud and clear! Oh, I know what I can do to cheer me up!"

"Yes...?"

The therapist was even afraid of asking.

"You know how they have support groups online? They're a few erectile dysfunction, I'm sure. I should join one!"

"Why? Orihara-san, you do not suffer from that..."

"Doc, why do you think people like reality TV?"

"Because they are voyeuristic in nature?"

Very much like Izaya, come to think of it.

"That too. But above all it's because people like seeing those who are more messed up than themselves. It's a comforting feeling, seeing those who are worse off than one. That is why I'm joining a support group!"

The therapist could not even reply for a while.

"Orihara-san, feeling better at the expense of others is absolutely unacceptable."

Izaya shrugged in his typical disregard for human convention in general and plain good will in general.

"Everyone does it, too. Guys like you who probably will go to your graves as virgins can still look down on hopeless otakus, it's an ego boost: 'those guys are way worst than me, at least I had an indirect kiss with Takako-chan back in seventh grade'."

Needless to say Izaya's illustration was not random but drew directly from the therapist experience. Leaving the therapist to be terrified anew of Izaya's crazy information skills. This time the therapist really as at a loss for words so Izaya filled the silence.

"Speaking of eternal cherry boys and otakus, you're a Kan-chan fan, I believe? The office is in a bit of a panic."

"Why's that?"

By now the therapist had sort of recovered himself. At any rate he was very glad for this change in topic.

"Do you remember Namie's blowup doll? Since I can't act as Kan-chan for a while Namie sent the doll to the office with the message 'use this instead'. They didn't get it and apparently thought it might be a curse of sorts...one of the girls freaked out greatly when she saw it. Much craziness followed."

"I can see that happening..."

Further discussion was interrupted by the door chime. The therapist went to get it. Turns out Shinra had dropped by to see how Izaya was doing. This was the official pretext, in reality he wanted to see if Izaya was not up to mischief, his absence having him remarked already.

"I see. Why, it's a shame that Yagiri-san isn't here to take care of you."


	62. Chapter 62

As if on cue Namie walked into the room, having tiptoed her way carefully as soon as she saw the extra pair of shoes at the entrance and guessed the guest was none other than Shinra.

Namie flat out ignored Shinra and rushed to Izaya, holding one of his hand gently in both of hers.

"How are you feeling, Iza-chan?"

Izaya, aka Iza-chan, blushed deeply and instantly. He forgot that Namie was in her playacting mode.

"Much better, thanks..."

Namie made sure she kept ignoring everyone else as she brought her lips to Izaya's forehead.

"You're too hot, maybe you're running a fever."

"I'm fine, really..."

Namie gave him her warmest smile and patted his head, aiming for very affectionate lover-mode.

"I'll fix you some food, be right back."

"Okay...!"

Izaya was in something of a daze. Shinra adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat.

"Well, looks like you're fine."

"Ah..."

Izaya's mind was still fuzzy and did not become clearer as Namie returned with some porridge that she proceeded to feed him. Both the therapist and Shinra simply could not look away.

Izaya too was quite transfixed. Namie took great care to assure the porridge was not too hot, which included her blowing on the steaming and quite tasteless food. Not that Izaya could even discern flavor as it was. He was only marginally aware that the therapist and Shinra were in the room.

Namie, on the other hand, did not miss a beat.

"You're a bit feverish, let me get you some medication."

Izaya actually did feel feverish but either way he would play along. He nodded most obediently.

"Thanks."

Namie got a glass of water and the medication in question. She pretended to be pondering for a while.

"You're too weak, I'll help you."

And to everyone's great surprise Namie placed a pill in her mouth that she filled with water before joining lips with Izaya and transferring it over to his mouth. Izaya emerged from the whole thing even more dazed.

"Best way of swallowing medicine, ever!"

Namie smiled happily and patted his head some more. At this point the therapist half expected Izaya to spring a tail and wag it most puppy-like.

"You should rest now."

And with this Namie got rid of Shinra who left feeling annoyed and wondering how he could strike back as he was not letting Izaya and Namie come across as the better couple.

"The quack doctor is gone now."

"Happiness!"

Izaya seemed about to go on one of his hyperactive periods of euphoria but instead he faded away, his eyelids descending and was sleeping in no time.

"Eh, Yagiri-san...what exactly did you give him...?"

"Sleeping medicine. Izaya needs his rest even if it must be pushed on him."

"Ah..."

Typical Namie behavior all around and she probably had a point, the therapist thought. Just when this was going through his mind Namie surprised him by gently brushing a rebel strand of hair from Izaya's forehead.

"Yagiri-san, could it be that you actually like Orihara-san...?"

Namie glanced at her watch.

"You might as well leave, Izaya will be out for the next couple of hours."

The therapist had the clear impression he was being put in his place.

The therapist was glad to be summoned to Izaya's quarters the following day. He was hoping to explore Namie's feelings, preferably without Izaya being present. But it was not to be.

It was Kida who opened the door and a very forlorn looking Kida at that. Izaya was enthroned in a plush sofa and smiled radiantly.

"Doc! Welcome! Kida-kun, get our guest some tea."

"Right."

The tea arrived in due time but Kida served it without as much as cracking a smile. Izaya pretended to be oblivious and hummed under his breath for a while, gently rocking back and forth then stopped as if something had suddenly occurred to him.

"Kida-kun, I believe you are quite unhappy. I wonder why."

"You wonder why! You wonder why!"

"Oh my, repetition must be popular with youngsters nowadays."

Having clearly kept his many frustrations bottled up for too long, Kida lost it.

"You and your schemes! The Ferris wheel malfunctioned! I spent four, four, FOUR whole hours stuck with Mikado on the tiny cabin!"

"Hmm...was that four hours or twelve?"

"Gah! You had something to do with it, didn't you?"

"Kida-kun, are you implying that I tampered with the Ferris wheel mechanism?"


	63. Chapter 63

"Yes!"

"O ye of little faith! But I do not see what the big deal is. Mikado-kun is the kind of person you want around in a crisis and this kind of thing can only bring you two closer. Kida-kun, fight-o!"

"Evil!"

Izaya's smile grew wider, his eyes disappeared into slits. His amicable ways seemed unchanged, if anything enhanced, but the therapist had seen enough of him to know Izaya's mood had shifted. Kida realized it right away and gasped.

"Kida-kun, I do not approve of that tone. It is rude and quite disrespectful. I am sure you do not mean to insult me who provides for you and on whom you entirely rely for your survival and well being. You would never be that ungrateful. Neh?"

The smile glittered. Kida swallowed.

"Of course, of course. How about some tea, Orihara-sama? I'll make your favorite brand."

Izaya clapped.

"Thank you so much! How nice of you."

Kida scuttled away, all too aware he had escaped from some absurd punishment by a hair's breadth. It was Izaya's way to lure him into a very false sense of security and time and time again Kida's temper got the better of him with disastrous consequences that Izaya greatly appreciated.

"About the Ferris Wheel...?"

The therapist trailed off.

"No good deed goes unpunished! Here I am, giving support to misguided youths out of the kindness of my heart and no one even thanks me. I am a martyr, truly."

And the therapist could not even tell whether Izaya was serious about the martyr part.

"I see,"

"More importantly, let us talk about me."

Izaya's tea arrived and the therapist could tell it was of better quality than his own just by the rich aroma. Izaya took a sip and Kida retreated, relieved that his punishment seemed to be over for the day.

"Where is Yagiri-san, by the way?"

"Let us see!"

Izaya proceeded to type very rapidly on a nearby laptop.

"What are you doing...?"

"Hacking into the city's surveillance system mainframe in order to find Namie."

"Is that legal...?"

The therapist knew he would never feel entirely safe ever again walking the streets of Tokyo, if Izaya could just hack into any of the many cameras strewn a bit all over, there was no telling when the crazy informant was not spying on him.

"Doc, let us not sweat the small stuff. There she is! Namie is at the Sunshine- wait, who the hell is this guy?"

Izaya went from all smiles to a frown. The therapist felt genuinely afraid as there was something extremely disarming in Izaya's budding anger. For clearly Izaya was not in the best of moods. To put it mildly. In fact, he seemed about to snap at any moment. The therapist looked at the screen. A suited man was walking by Namie's side as they left the hotel, smiling very broadly. They strolled side by side in a very friendly manner.

"Perhaps he's some business partner...?"

"Kida. Get here."

Kida tiptoed his way.

"Yes?"

"Follow Namie and this creature and give me a detailed report every ten minutes."

"This is in Ikebukuro, it'll take a while to get,"

Izaya gestured him to stop talking just by lifting a hand. Izaya proceeded to call Celty and hire her to transport Kida very like as she would a parcel.

"Why are you still standing there, Kida? Get to it. Now."

Kida was glad to get out of Izaya's presence as the dangerous aura seemed almost visible. Making out silly honorifics was annoying but usually harmless, Kida was only realizing that omitting honorifics entirely meant something bad was afoot and odds are someone was about to get seriously hurt. He was not fooled by Izaya's low tone, many men shouted out of anger but Orihara Izaya spoke calmly and was all the more menacing for that.

The therapist squirmed a bit on his seat. With Kida out of the picture he felt all too exposed to Izaya's ire.

"Orihara-san, perhaps you should just give Yagiri-san a call instead of spying on her like this?"

"It's a good thing you're here, doc...otherwise I might burn down a town or two."

"Please don't!"

The therapist had no doubt that Izaya was perfectly capable of doing it.

"Maybe I should hack Nikkei and crash the stock market."

"Don't ruin our country's economy!"

"Ah, you're right. No need to be too drastic. Cement shoes will do the trick. Nothing like old school methods."


	64. Chapter 64

The therapist swallowed. It was obvious that Izaya was dead serious.

"Orihara-san, murder is not the answer,"

"Murder? Who said anything to that effect?"

"Cement shoes...?"

Izaya waved the therapist's objections away.

"That's suicide, suicide."

"How is it suicide...?"

"Anyone who gets too chummy with my woman has a death wish. I bear no responsibility if I choose to bring that death wish to fruition, now do I? If anything I am being most gracious in giving people precisely what they want."

The creepy smile was back and creepier by a factor of a thousand. In his experience with Izaya the therapist had heard plenty of craziness but this might very well take the cake. But he was even afraid of countering Izaya as the present mood was quite volatile. Izaya was often at his most dangerous when apparently calmer.

The therapist was thinking of some excuse for just leaving when Izaya's phone rang.

"So? What's happening?"

"They just went into a café."

"Oh really? Do you see a ring?"

"A ring…?"

"A wedding ring, Kida-dumb. Must I explain everything to you?"

"Can't say, I'm across the street."

"Pray, do tell me why."

"Er, keeping a low profile,"

"Go find out and update me on their exact conversation, word by word, before I have your organs sold."

"…right away."

The more Kida looked at him the more this poor unfortunate fellow seemed familiar but it remained too vague to pin down.

"Orihara-san, let us be rational about this. What are you doing…?!"

Izaya had whipped out his pet flick blade and was switching it on and off, apparently unawares.

"Ah, cannot leave this up to Kida-failure."

Izaya contacted Celty anew and hired her to transport him and the therapist, complete with requiring a sidecar to be added to her special vehicle just for the purpose. So much for the therapist escaping the incoming madness.

The therapist was thus forced to follow Izaya into the café in the hopes of perhaps avoiding a tragedy. The therapist had half a mind to call the police.

"Namie! How could you!"

Namie put down her teacup very calmly.

"Kitamura-sensei, meet Orihara-san, my boss. Orihara-san, meet Kitamura-ssensei, Seiji-kun's homeroom teacher."

Izaya blinked. Kida choked on his drink, he suddenly remembered where he knew this fellow from.

"I see,"

"We met at a teachers' conference that is taking place at the hotel and convened here to further discuss Seiji-kun's progress at school."

Izaya thought very fast. He broke into a brilliant smile.

"Indeed! I too meant to see Kitamura-sensei today on behalf of my ward, Kida Masaomi-kun. What a miraculous coincidence!"

And just like this Izaya presented Kida who could not hide in time and paraded him in front of the rather confused teacher.

"Pleasure meeting you, Orihara-san. I'm afraid I've yet to make your acquaintance,"

"And what a shame that is! Why, I've been meaning to set an appointment for ages now. I'm afraid Kida-kun has been somewhat neglectful of his scholarly duties as of late but I do hope you will take into consideration that boys will be boys. Neh?"

Kida interpreted this as meaning there would be hell to pay for his not having identified the teacher right away.

"Of course, of course."

"I believe in defending our youth! I'd even call it a sacred duty. But Namie, you should have told me you were meeting Kitamura-sensei today. I have a vested interest in Seiji-kun myself. Why, we're practically family."

The therapist was greatly relieved as it seemed the storm had passed. He noticed that Namie seemed most bemused by the whole situation. Izaya was about to launch on a rant on his being such an amazing guardian, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding, when he suddenly collapsed mid-sentence and flopped most ungracefully across the table.

Namie seemed to fully expect this and lost no time hauling Izaya's unconscious body back to the apartment and proceeded to actually strap him to bed. Needless to say the therapist and Kida could only stand by and watch, Kida hoping against hope Izaya was not about to escape from the restraints anytime soon.

Meanwhile Izaya slowly came back to himself.

"Gah…headache…oh, is it kinky playtime! Sweet!"

Trust Izaya to jump to the sexy conclusion in detriment of everything else.


	65. Chapter 65

"I told you to rest and stay put. Instead you spy and stalk me. So I'll have you rest whether you like it or not."

Izaya tried to smile his now growing worry away but it did not quite work. The straps were stronger than they seemed and he knew no amount of budging would release him.

"Not stalking, I too wanted to talk to sensei. Right, Kida-kun?"

Kida flinched.

"Sure, it was a coincidence."

Namie had taken a seat by the bed and now crossed a leg.

"That you expect me to actually believe that is insulting but irrelevant. You had very clear orders and flat out ignored them. How are you supposed to recover if you decide to prance around town like this?"

"But Namie,"

"No 'but Namie', and you're not off the hook either."

She turned to the therapist much to his dismay.

"I don't see what I could have done, Yagiri-san,"

"You're supposed to babysit him."

The therapist would very much like to know how he was supposed to stop someone as willful and dangerous with Izaya. For all he knew Izaya would simply stab him dead if it came to that.

Izaya had to protest.

"Hey, I'm not a baby! Er, Namie..what is that you have there?"

"A hypodermic syringe."

And indeed it was. Namie was filling it with some transparent liquid.

"I see but what does it contain, exactly?"

"Just a mild sedative for now, luckily for you. Do something like this again and I'll put in an induced coma until you are fully rested. Do you understand, Orihara Izaya?"

Izaya understood all too well. There were perks to dating (or believing one dated) a headstrong woman with twisted morals (every bit as twisted as one's own, in fact) but unfortunately there were many a disadvantage as was made all too patent now.

"Namie, let us discuss this…"

"Not open to discussion."

Namie had already unrolled Izaya's sleeve, tapped his arm until she found the vein, wiped the skin and inserted the needle without as much as glancing at Izaya. It made the therapist wonder if Namie just so happened to carry anesthetics on any given day. Either way, drugging Izaya did not at all bother her. And to give Namie credit, she made sure she bandaged the small prickly wound with great care.

Just then the doorbell rang. Namie answered it and in strode a white suited man that screamed classy yakuza to the therapist.

"Shiki-san, Izaya is presently out of commission."

"That is unfortunate but my errand concerns you more directly."

Namie lifted an eyebrow and offered Shiki a seat. Kida considered slipping away as he suspected no one would even notice but this could be a good opportunity for gathering information and feeding it to Izaya later on.

"How so?"

"Izaya commissioned a costume made wedding kimono from a particular store that is affiliated with us. There is some special preparation involved and I just heard the silk is finally ready."

In reality, Shiki was not supposed to divulge this with Namie. Izaya had hinted as much but Shiki was not above putting Izaya in a tight place every now and then. Shiki found Izaya and Namie's oddball relationship to be most interesting and impossible to understand. A testament to the strange ways of young people nowadays, even. Shiki was glad that neither Izaya nor Namie were representative of their generation, though.

Namie wondered why Shiki saw fit to deliver this in person. It hardly seemed relevant.

"A wedding kimono, you say?"

"A whole series, in fact."

Because one wedding kimono, for a wedding very likely never to happen, was simply not enough. Namie had Kida make some tea and Shiki finally noticed the therapist.

"This is the couple therapist Izaya saw fit to saddle me with."

Shiki nodded curtly his way. Shiki only had the vaguest idea of what this therapy entailed but he was sure it would be bizarre.

"I hope there has been some progress."

Shiki very much doubted it was possible. Namie shrugged.

"I suppose. We are most definitely ahead, at any rate."

"Ahead?"

"Ahead of that creepy couple with the glasses and the headless thing."

So much for relationships not being a competition.

"Quite."

Shiki had no clear idea of what Namie was talking about but it seemed dysfunctional relationships were the order of the day.


	66. Chapter 66

"Any outsider can clearly see as much."

The therapist found himself under Namie's gaze and none too happy.

"Yagiri-san, each relationship has its own dynamics and cannot be compared,"

"They need to know their place."

And judging by Namie's tone the therapist should know his place as well.

Shiki cleared his throat to politely attract attention.

"Yours is a rather unique relationship from what I understand. Izaya is exceedingly fond of you, that much cannot be denied."

"He goes to great lengths to state as such at any given opportunity."

But Namie was smiling through her words.

"I almost forgot, will you give him the message that he gingseng he ordered has already arrived?"

"What gingseng is this?"

"We deal with high end producers of gingseng in Korea. Izaya placed an order of some of the more…effective gingseng products."

"I am not even surprised. Waste of money all around."

Shiki turned to the therapist.

"I don't suppose your patients turn to gingseng?"

"Not that I know of."

"The last thing Izaya needs is to boost his libido."

Namie delivered this sentence with proper sternness.

"Quite an energetic young man."

Shiki was not precisely privy to Izaya's whacky sex life but he was willing to bet it was over the top. And who knew that mocking Izaya behind his back could be this fun. It was becoming Shiki's guilty pleasure, in fact.

"If this gingseng order were to be, say, misplaced it would be very much appreciated."

"I'm afraid that is not possible."

"Perhaps it could be tampered with."

Shiki omitted that Izaya planned on having Namie drinking the wondrous gingseng tea herself.

"It's a natural product and entirely harmless."

"On a normal person but this is Izaya we are talking about. Not to mention he is supposed to be resting and that means abstaining from his usual antics."

"How about a getaway stay at a quiet ryokan?"

"A change of scenery might be a good idea. But I insist on separate rooms, not negotiable."

"I am sure your therapist can be persuaded to watch over Izaya."

Shiki could be mean on occasion, the look of panic on the therapist's face was priceless.

"That is a good idea, Shiki-san."

Apparently the therapist's agreement was so expected it was not even asked for.

"I know just the right place."

Izaya woke up feeling rather groggy and it took him a while to gather his bearings and try as he might he could not understand why he was on a futon in a tatami covered room that he had never seen before. It made him more than a little nervous.

"I see you're awake."

"Namie! Where am I?"

"At a ryokan Shiki-san recommended. I'm keeping you here to make sure you rest properly."

Izaya sighed in intense relief. His memory was coming back and with it the threat of induced coma.

"A romantic retreat,"

"Wrong. You'll be staying with the therapist here."

Izaya shot the therapist a rather nasty look as if it was the poor guy's fault.

"Now that sucks. But at least we're wearing matching yukatas! Looks so delicious on you."

"Dressing you up in it was not easy either."

Against all odds Izaya blushed deeply.

"That's a bit…"

"Why are you getting embarrassed over that now? Actually, how can you even get embarrassed at all considered you're, well, Izaya?"

"Hey, that's just mean!"

"It is true nonetheless."

"It's kinda embarrassing when you get to see me naked and I'm entirely vulnerable…oh, it has a lot of potential too but still…"

"You don't want to keep up talking like that."

Namie made as if to reach for a syringe and Izaya sobered up immediately.

"Reading you loud and clear. Oh, are we by the sea? Will there be skinny dipping? Skinny dipping!"

"With cement shoes."

Izaya grew sad.

"It really hurts when you act so evil…"

Namie seemed to be thinking for a while then surprised Izaya greatly by kissing him on the forehead.

"Stop acting up and learn how to behave."

"Sure…! Anything you say!"

And just like that Izaya went into puppy mode.

"Now stay put, I'll be right back."

"I'll hold down the fort for you, never fear."

Namie led the therapist to one of the lobbies.

"The carrot and stick strategy seems to be working."

"I'm not sure that's a good way of looking at it,"

"Then again you haven't been very helpful so far, now have you."

The therapist had nothing to say.


	67. Chapter 67

Izaya did not waste his time daydreaming, almost as soon as he was left alone he settled for a plan. He was on his best behavior when Namie returned and greeted her with one his prettiest, most amicable smiles.

"Namie, this is indeed a wonderful opportunity for spending some quality time together and improving my health. An harmonious environment is very important, as such I suggest we pose as a married couple to avoid gossiping and the like from the part of the other guests."

It seemed like a very long shot to the therapist.

"Alright."

"Now, I understand your objections- wait, what?"

"I said we might as well do as you say."

Izaya was stunned and went as far as to blink twice.

"How wonderful that we see eye to eye!"

"Get ready for dinner."

Ideally Namie would skip this charade and avoid any contact with other guests altogether by keeping Izaya confined to the room. But she knew that keeping Izaya happy was vital to his health. Not to mention Namie knew the therapist would be unable to handle Izaya and it would end up being up to her to put up with much whining. She had another reason for going along with the marriage ruse, being dead set on making sure Izaya rested meant doing a lot of things for him and it was much easier do so under the guise of a dutiful wife. It did occur to her that posing as siblings would serve the purpose just as well but given Izaya's nature it was bound to become all too creepy.

This all led to Namie feeding Izaya a delicate fish dish while the entire dining hall looked fondly on the sweet young couple. Izaya made a show of declining her help since he could eat by himself but of course Namie overruled all objections. Not that Izaya had any complaints, he was beyond happy but a bit afraid lest it all proved to be too good to be true. The therapist watched in wonderment.

"I ordered the food to match your individual dietary needs."

"Thank you so much, it is delicious!"

As was to be expected from a ryokan recommended by Shiki the food was topnotch as were the lush facilities. Something of a consolation for the therapist who expected this sojourn to result in a world of pain for himself.

"Less talking and more eating."

"Yes, Namie!"

Not for the first time the therapist found himself fascinated at the contradictory bundle of weirdness that was Orihara Izaya. By far the most willful person the therapist had ever encountered, Izaya clearly loved being bossed around by Namie who clearly had a penchant for bossing others around. In many ways it was indeed a match made in heaven, a bizarre, dysfunctional and patently dangerous heaven but still.

Izaya was getting a kick out of being pampered like this. Pampered Namie-style, even. Which meant Izaya better obey if he knew what was best for him.

"Chew properly."

"Mrm,"

Izaya had indeed almost forgotten how to chew and his attempt of talking through a mouthful of fish delicacies did not quite work.

"Will you watch your manners? Take your time but keep in mind your bedtime is at eight sharp."

Izaya swallowed in dismay.

"Eight?! So early!"

"Consider yourself a convalescent invalid under my care."

Izaya nodded most sedately.

"Can I have dessert?"

"Alright."

"Yay! Oh, did you know this place has its own hot spring baths? Nothing is better for resting than hot springs!"

"You are right on that, there are medicinal effects involved as well."

"Let's check them out tomorrow!"

"The baths are not communal."

"Why! Why must it be so!"

"I'll have you keep an eye on Izaya tomorrow to make sure he doesn't end up drowning."

This was addressed to the therapist, much to his dismay but then again what else did he expect but he treated like a slave by the likes of Namie. The therapist suspected Namie saw him as a slightly more competent Kida-kun, both falling under the same category of minions to be exploited.


	68. Chapter 68

"Between the desire and the object, lies a wall! Oh, were it that I could break it down!"

And with this borderline poetic tirade Izaya got up on the shallow pool, splashing water all over the place, and shook a fist at the bamboo palisade.

"There is nothing you can do about it, Orihara-san. The baths are not communal."

Izaya humphed and folded his arms.

"I will make sure to leave a very strong suggestion to the management, rest assured of that. To think that Namie is just on the other side, naked Namie! So close and yet so far away! Why must it be so!"

The therapist could tell Izaya was about to work himself into a pitch of annoyance.

"What can't be changed is best left alone."

Izaya sighed very deeply and sat on the bench that ran along the basin of the pool, his body fully submerged apart from the head.

"I guess. But doc, when I think that my ginseng order is gone, it breaks my heart. It's a very healthy product and such a rich history."

"Yagiri-san did not approve."

Izaya sighed again.

"And it's the top quality stuff, too. Best ginseng in Korea. And speaking of Korea, my love for bridal attire has introduced me to the wonderful world of hanbok! So I ordered ten for Namie."

It was the therapist's time to sigh.

"Orihara-san, you really must stop ordering wedding attire. Yagiri-san has made it very plain that she is not interested."

"Doc, you don't get it. Also, you're keeping your mouth shut about this if you know what's good for you."

"Okay…"

By now the therapist was used to threats.

"Also, one of the dresses is see-through. The others are all very traditional and cover everything. Elegant, classy and very sexy in an understated way! What's not to love! And let me tell you, convincing the guys to make a see-through hanbok took a lot of money."

"I can imagine."

"At first they wouldn't even hear about it. But where there is a will and deep pocket that there is a way."

"I see."

"They're still making them, handmade clothes take some time."

By the looks of it Izaya would end up with a closet full of wedding dresses from across the world and no one to wear them. Then it occurred to the therapist that Izaya could also wear them himself and given how well he passed for a girl odds are he would look exceedingly beautiful.

"You could wear them yourself,"

"Said anything?"

"Nothing, nothing."

The therapist reminded himself to always be alert with Izaya around. Having Izaya prancing about in the nude turned out to be more than a bit unnerving. At least Izaya had not booked the baths and there were quite a few people about, it made handling him a bit less difficult.

"We must bring back our tradition of communal bathing. It is part of what Japan is all about! Now I am a man of the world, no narrow minded nationalism for me, but when it comes to sushi and communal bathing I do not budge! Who's with me!"

This passionate rally had been addressed to the other guests who now blinked at Izaya in dismay.

"Orihara-san, please calm down. Yagiri-san will be very angry if you get all worked up like this."

"Ah, you're right but it's so unfair. One shouldn't keep these things all bottled up, you know."

Not that Izaya was at all known for keeping his innermost feelings in check. The therapist was used to patients who struggled for self-expression more often than not, half the point of therapy was getting them to overcome a very ingrained instinct for privacy. With Izaya the exact opposite was the case, at any given moment he would easily share his mind and only seemed to only get embarrassed at the least likely of things.

"I am sure you wouldn't want other men to be seeing Yagiri-san naked anyway so it is in everyone's best interest to forget all about communal bathing."

"I'm not too worried about that as I am sure Namie would have them cement shoed in no time."


	69. Chapter 69

A chilling and all too plausible outcome all things considered. The therapist's expression must have given him away because Izaya rushed to reassure him as only Izaya knew how:

"But you need not worry, doc. She wouldn't dump you in Tokyo bay for that, you don't really count as a man. To be honest- and you know how much I value honesty- I considered getting a gay therapist to avoid complications but then I stumbled on a perennial virgin such as yourself and knew you were absolutely perfect!"

"Perennial virgin…!"

Trust Izaya to come up with rather original insults.

"But really, I believe I should be commended. Nowadays so many people are turning to 2D girls with freakishly huge eyes, headless fairies and other non-human things instead of having relationships with real human women. Not I! I am extremely committed to one single flesh and blood woman who does exist in this world and is of the same species as I. Why, I am model to be emulated and should be pointed as an example to our youth."

And Izaya nodded sagely approving his own oddball self-praising rant.

"Headless fairies…?"

"No wonder the country is going down drain, we would be so much better off if there were more people such as myself but then again-"

Izaya never got around to completing his thought because just then the door slid open with a slam and in walked Namie wearing nothing but a towel around her very naked body. And if the towel did hide what need be hiding it left plenty of leg to be seen. For a couple of seconds Izaya could only gap in amazement as she quickly made her way to the pool much to the shock to everyone present. Namie stopped, folded her arms and cast the therapist a look that could freeze hell over.

"Why is Izaya still in the water? If he stays steaming much longer he'll get sick. You have one very simple task which is to keep him from harming himself, I expect you to carry it out."

"Namie! I knew you cared!"

"Of course I care. My livelihood depends on you."

"What is that compared to the power of love!"

"I wouldn't know. At any rate, you're getting out of the water right now before you collapse all over again."

Izaya made as if to climb out of the pool.

"I'm fine,"

With that said he lost his footing and in his flailing grabbed Namie and promptly dragged her into the pool with him in a loud splash.

"Yagiri-san! Are you alright?"

Namie landed on top of Izaya, the towel uncoiling in the shock. A great hushed fell over the scene. Izaya was torn between bliss and dread.

"So not on purpose, please believe me!"

"Orihara. Fetch me my towel. Right now."

"Where is it again,"

Namie had already drifted away from Izaya and ducked mostly under water. Izaya looked around rather feebly for the fabled towel, he could not see much past boobies and for once was aware that he was in a very delicate situation did not bode well. Fortunately the therapist found and handed him the towel that Izaya in a daze gave to Namie.

"What are you lot still doing here? Get out before I make you leave."

Namie addressed the remaining bathers without as much as glancing at them and immediately they scrambled away. The therapist was quite impressed at Namie's poise but then again she was hardly the kind of woman to freak out. With that said, her quiet wrath was more menacing than any typical angry outburst. No throwing a tantrum while crying 'pervert' and cause a ruckus with no further consequences, Namie was more likely to thoroughly ruin someone's life in the long run without even raising her voice.

"Eh, so sorry…"

The therapist was a bit puzzled over Izaya's awkwardness. Namie adjusted the soaked towel and climbed out of the pool most gracefully.

"You, help him out of the pool."

Izaya ducked under water.

"I'll be out in a sec,"

Namie sighed and wrung the edge of the towel.

"Why do you insist on getting all coy at the least probably of times?"

"Well, you see- it's not like, all things considered- it's most definitely not my fault! It's biology and sheer hotness…"

The therapist now had an idea of what was going on.

"Indeed. All the more reason for you to get out of the water before I really get cross. I won't hold involuntary bodily functions against but obstinacy is not something I will tolerate."


	70. Chapter 70

Izaya licked his upper lip in a nervous gesture.

"Okay…I don't suppose you could give me a hand here?"

"Don't stretch your luck."

Izaya actually pouted.

"But you said that you'd take care of me…considering I'm sick and all…can't overtire myself…"

Namie sighed again.

"You're more trouble than you're worth, Orihara Izaya."

"It's what you said…"

"Fine. And I suppose this isn't all that bad a thing as it shows you're on the mend."

Izaya turned to the doc with a bright smile.

"Doc, how about you go away for a while…won't take too long,"

Namie piped,

"Around five minutes, I gather."

"It's at least ten minutes!"

"That is not material now."

"But, but…"

Namie addressed the therapist.

"Keep watch outside."

The therapist slipped into a robe and posted himself outside. But he could not help his gnawing curiosity and since he could spot anyone approaching he slid the door open a crack. He could not see Izaya because Namie was in the way. That is, until she dropped on her hands on knees much to the therapist and Izaya's surprise. Izaya remaining in the pool and as such Namie loomed above him.

Namie had her back to the therapist and Izaya was clearly too stunned to notice anything. The therapist waited with baited breath. Namie leaned over the edge of the pool pecked Izaya on the forehead. Still the therapist waited only to see Izaya's eyes widen almost comically, his body give a slight shudder and then grow limp.

"I suppose he won't be needing that ginseng after all."

The therapist nearly jumped out of his skin as a voice suddenly spoke up. To his absolute dismay Shiki was sitting by his side and peering over his shoulder into the pool. Just how Shiki had managed to creep so close without his noticing was beyond him but the therapist was too afraid of what may result of it to care at the moment. He slid the door closed as quietly as possible.

"Shiki-san, I wasn't spying on them. As their therapist I need to keep tabs on their private life in order to better help."

Shiki smiled slowly and produced a cigarette.

"I'm sure."

It was just what he needed. As if getting in trouble with Namie and Izaya at the same time was not bad enough now there was the yakuza to reckon with as well.

"However, I am not sure they would understand if they knew…"

"I am not planning on telling them anything. Quite a woman, Yagiri Namie-san."

The door slid open and Namie emerged now wearing a robe and carrying Izaya also bundled up in one. She deftly carried him over a shoulder.

"Shiki-san, hello. I didn't know you were here."

"Figured I'd see how you were doing. How do you like the ryokan?"

"I have no complaints with the lodgings, as ever it's Izaya who is proving problematic."

Too much excitement proved too much for Izaya who seemed barely conscious but very content.

"That is to be expected, though."

"It is still exceedingly annoying."

Without further ado she carried him to the room and tucked him in the futon. She handed him a big pillow and immediately Izaya cuddled with it.

"Namie…so much love…"

"If by 'love' you mean 'being as obnoxious as humanly possible' then I concur."

The following day Namie allowed Izaya to sleep in and after lunch the wonder couple, the therapist and Shiki headed for the private beach. Izaya was in a good mood having bypassed his embarrassment and quite beaming.

"The sun, the sea, and Namie! Happiness!"

"Stop hopping about and put on some sunscreen."

Izaya flung himself on the beach towel, his speedo very dark against his white skin.

"Namie, put the sunscreen~"

"You do not learn, do you."

"I never give up!"

"I've noticed."

Izaya rolled on his side.

"Shiki-san, why so formal! Even in the beach, white suit and all. Classy but it can't be comfortable."

Shiki made himself comfortable on a folding chair under a parasol. His suit was one of very white linen, elegantly tailored.

"One gets used to suits."

"Oh, Namie do you think I'd be sexy in a suit?"

"I do not care."

"I love how free spirited you are! About that sunscreen,"

"Let the therapist do that."


	71. Chapter 71

Izaya wanted to urge Namie to put on a pretty bikini but for all his buzz he was a bit afraid of overdoing it. He knew that he had escaped some nasty punishment the previous day and was not eager to test Namie any further. Still, her simple black beach dress was revealing enough and lazing about like this was extremely nice. Izaya was thrilled that his body had recovered enough to match his libido and after such a dry spell he was not about no let it all go to waste by being too forceful.

As for Namie she would gladly apply some of the sunscreen on Izaya, using her feet and throwing some stomping into the bargain but given how fragile he was at the moment it was not an option.

Shiki snapped his fingers and immediately a troop of black suited men materialized on the spot and produced a small table on which they placed a tray of drinks and glasses. He was used to seeing Izaya as the ever so suave young man who knew everything and as such was a force to be reckoned with. So much so that in a way Izaya had the upper hand over Shiki in plenty of dealings especially when it came to word on the street. And while Shiki did not exactly resent him for that and even admitted it could be used to his advantage it was still immensely enjoyable to see Izaya flailing like a hormone crazed teenage boy. Teasing him was simply too great a temptation to pass.

"I've heard you wanted to make the baths here mixed? Should I put in a word with the owners?"

Izaya was in the process of being lathered up by the therapist, he now coughed and sat up, a blush creeping over his cheeks.

"Well, I did think so there are some complications involved. Unforeseen consequences,"

Namie smirked.

"Hardly 'unforeseen'."

Izaya squirmed a bit.

"Consequences beyond one's control,"

Shiki availed himself of a sip of gin.

"Is that so."

Izaya was desperate for a change of topic.

"Shiki-san, can I have a drink of that?"

It was Namie who answered.

"No, you can't. No alcohol for you."

"I'm not a minor…a little drink won't hurt."

"You're already a handful when you're sober, I do not even want to imagine how it'd be if there was any alcohol involved. Besides, I suspect you have zero tolerance to alcohol as it is."

Shiki poured Izaya a glass of coke. He would be willing to pay to get Izaya drunk but clearly now was not the time.

"Here, alcohol free."

"Thank you very much, Shiki-san. Doc, no need to be afraid of Shiki-san. Unless you borrow money from him."

The therapist was indeed afraid of Shiki not only because getting involved with the yakuza was always a bad idea as he knew this particular yakuza had something on him. As if the therapist needed more dangerous people in his life.

"We offer special interest rates for young professionals."

"Now, now, don't go fleecing doc here. Besides, he doesn't need a loan. I pay most generously if I can say so myself."

Indeed Izaya paid much more than any other patient, in fact, he paid more than all remaining patients combined. Whether it was worth it, already, was still unsure. Considering the constant stress and the fact that the therapist suspected that whole experience was steadily shaving away years out of his life and may result in his untimely demise, all the money in the world was still a rather poor bargain.

Shiki turned to the therapist.

"I understand that you are under professional secrecy?"

It was Izaya who answered.

"That's right, if our good doc decides to up and tell anyone about the details of our therapy sessions I can sue him to the ground. Oy, why so nervous!"

The therapist had turned a very unhealthy shade of white. And he became even paler as Namie produced a syringe, for a second he was sure she was about to stab him or poison him. Or both, even.

"Stop scaring the therapist. Make a fist now, I need to take some blood."

"Ah, no one takes blood like you do, Namie!"

The therapist almost sighed in relief. But he did wonder what Izaya meant, he wouldn't put it past him to have developed a needle fetish on top of everything else. And the same thought seemed to have occurred to Namie.

"Don't get any strange ideas, there is nothing sexy about taking blood."

Izaya gave her one of his brightest smiles.

"It's sexy when you do it! Mad skills, too."


	72. Chapter 72

Shiki had finished his drink most leisurely and now joined the conversation.

"Is this what young people call 'blood play' nowadays?"

Izaya giggled.

"Not exactly."

"Shiki-san, don't encourage him please. All done."

"Already?"

"Do want me to drain more of your blood?"

"I don't mean it like that…"

What he did mean was that Namie had to get very close to plunge the needle into Izaya's arm and so he got to see into her cleavage. Namie turned to the therapist next.

"Do you suppose Izaya was dropped on the head when he was an infant?"

The therapist had wondered the same thing more than once.

"Orihara-san does have some issues but I am sure he is willing to work through them."

"Ah, doc, so glad that you understand me. We're like friends! I'd still sue you if you tattled, though. Neh?"

Another beautiful smile followed. Just then a helicopter appeared in the horizon, becoming larger and larger as he headed toward them and landed at enough distance so that the flurry of sand swept wind did not bother them. A troop of men in lab coats disembarked and made their way toward Namie. She handed them the blood sample and other materials, gave them a few instructions and they were off in the helicopter in less than five minutes.

"I'll have the results in a couple of hours."

"Now that's what I call efficiency! As to be expected from the wonderful Yagiri Namie."

"You can cut out the flattery. It won't get you anywhere."

Izaya was indeed angling for some sexy times later on. He had managed to secure a package of condoms and all.

"But it's true!"

"It is getting too hot and too much exposure to the sun is not good. You're going back to the room to have a lie down."

She was fully prepared for the usual complaints but Izaya's hopes for tonight hinged on his being obedient.

"You're right, the quiet will do me good. I don't suppose you'll me company?"

"I have some work to do so I might as well."

"Great! Will we be seeing you later, Shiki-san?"

"I'm planning on staying for a while."

It was the last thing the therapist wanted to hear. And finding himself alone with Shiki, at the beach of all places, was very unnerving. Made even more so as Shiki decided to chat.

"You are probably not aware of it but there are many people who would love to be in your shoes. For a chance of gaining Izaya's confidence and being privy to his innermost secrets."

Such a thing had never occurred to the therapist before.

"Is Orihara-san that much of a power player?"

"The best there is. It does make one rather apprehensive about the future, on occasion at least."

"Have you known Orihara-san long?"

The therapist could not resist plumping Shiki for information on Izaya. Despite everything the therapist was very curious about his craziest patient.

"I met him shortly after he left high school. This was before he met the love of his life."

"Was he less…strange?"

Shiki chuckled.

"Not really. But he probably became more, how should I put it, intense after he crossed paths with Yagiri-san."

"'Intense' is a good way of putting it."

"Have you already set an end for their therapy?"

"It depends, therapy can last years."

A rather distressing prospect.

"That's probably for the best as far as you're concerned. Considering all the highly sensitive personal information Izaya has shared with you, I wouldn't put it past him to…dispose of you the moment he no longer needs your aid."

This had not even occurred to the therapist but he could very well see Shiki's point. Shiki bid him a very polite goodbye and strolled back to the ryokan, leaving the therapist to panic on his own.

The therapist was left contemplating Shiki's warning for a couple of hours. He headed for the room and tried to keep his calm only to be startled out of his wits by Izaya creeping on tiptoe, wearing absolutely nothing.

"Orihara-san! What happened?! Why are you naked…?"

Izaya gave him a very weak smile and slipped into one of the ryokan's kimonos.

"Ah, doc…I was playing strip poker with Namie and lost!"


	73. Chapter 73

"That isn't exactly a surprising outcome."

"I'm great at poker, you could say that it takes an exceptional player to beat me. That's Namie for you! Her poker face is seriously impressive! And she lured me into a false sense of security by losing just once and discarding her lab coat…and then it all went wrong."

"Orihara-san, you should never gamble with Yagiri-san. I hope there were no high stakes? You didn't lose your house or…?"

"No, no stakes at all. But I got to admire Namie's ruthless ways. Most people call it quits once their opponent is down to their underwear but not Namie."

"That too is to be expected."

Izaya hopped to the veranda and made himself comfortable on a wicker chair.

"That is true. But doc, I am somewhat worried now. Namie is good enough to make it as a pro poker player and go out to make a fortune in tournaments. Where would that leave me!"

"Do you think it would damage your relationship?"

"Of course it would! I'm an optimist, not delusional. I need Namie to work for me for all sorts of reasons, not only because she is absolutely vital to my work but also to make sure she doesn't just leave."

"A healthy dose of realism is always good."

"That's one more reason for pushing for a marriage!"

"That does not follow,"

"But to think Namie could so easy out-poker me! To put it in terms you'd understand, it was like Vegeta getting beaten by Son Goku! Sure, Vegeta is super strong but compared to Son Goku he's just average!"

It seems that Izaya had been brought down a few pegs which might not be such a bad thing.

"Is that a Dragon Ball metaphor…?"

"Namie is Akiyama and I am Fukunaga!"

"At any rate, I hope you will take my advice and avoid all gambling with Yagiri-san."

"Reading you loud and clear. Do you think Namie will become a professional poker player?"

"I find it unlikely."

"I wish I had never brought up the topic of poker with her! This could be a catastrophe."

"Yagiri-san is a scientist, I don't see why she'd take to poker all of a sudden."

"But science requires funding. That's how she ended up working for me in the first place, remember? If she can fund herself then my role will diminish considerably. I'll end as a sex friend at best!"

"Orihara-san, there is no point in anticipating these highly unlikely scenarios."

"You're right, I must keep my wits about me. I'm on the right path! It's all about persevering, persevering. But now, nap time. So tired…"

And in no time Izaya was fast asleep.

Shiki stayed for dinner and got to see Namie doing her wifely routine of feeding Izaya. It was highly amusing and done more so by Izaya's very weak protests.

"Shiki-san, did you know that tuna is great for the brain? Not only is it delicious as it makes one smarter! Such perfection is hard to find in this world."

"Is that so?"

"There have been studies to that effect, isn't it right Namie?"

"Tuna is rich in Omega-3 fatty acids, a substance that seems to improve brain activity."

"Rejoice!"

Something had been nagging Shiki as of late and he now saw fit to make sure once and for all.

"I stumbled on a rather interesting thing the other day on TV. There was this new idol singer girl and she looked remarkably familiar. Quite a lot like you, in fact."

Izaya giggled.

"Shiki-san, could it be that you are a Kanra-chan fan? Shocking!"

"I wouldn't go that far, I remembered her because she looked so much like you."

"That she does! You see, Kanra-chan is my alter-ego."

Shiki half-expected it but still it was exceedingly bold of Izaya to impersonate an Idol and even join a band and perform in front of fans.

"How…original."

"It's a long story!"

And Izaya was eager to tell it all, in detail, and would have done so if not for Namie cutting him off.

"Speaking of stumbling on shows, I saw this anime series about a perverted mangaka and his female assistant whom he harasses all the time. It is rare that I find fiction that I can relate to, this was an exception to the rule."

Izaya gasped comically enough.

"To think that you'd watch Mangak-san to Assistant-san! But Namie, I don't see how you can compare me to Aito…why, he will hit on any girl he comes across while I have my heart set exclusively on you."


	74. Chapter 74

"The general premise of having to work under a sex obsessed boss is something I can understand all too well. Also, this Aito person crossdresses at one point and considers porn as image training. If that's not Orihara Izaya-like behavior I don't know what is."

"You were the one who pushed me into dressing up as a girl…"

Which was actually true.

"How about obsessing over female underwear and even purchasing it?"

"But I usually don't wear it. Besides, Aito has crazy about panty shots and panty anything while I am a very balanced individual and appreciate all underwear equally."

"You're digging your own grave as usual. And don't think I'll ever forget about your stealing my entire underwear."

Shiki raised an eyebrow at this and wondered how Izaya had accomplished such a feat.

"I did not steal it as much as borrow it. Also, my heart was in the right place…"

"I hardly think your heart was the part of your anatomy that was involved in this."

Izaya choked a bit and glanced at Shiki who kept his usual suave attitude as he helped himself to a piece of shrimp. Shiki had no idea that hanging out with Izaya and Namie could be so amusing.

"That's not true, why I bundled the panties together and cuddled with them at night because I was lonely."

"That is…both disturbing and sad."

"It's not my fault, what am I to do if you're not there to cuddle with?"

Another piece of Orihara Izaya logic at its finest.

"Then why don't you like the very anatomically correct correct? The skin texture is most life-like."

Izaya waved in protest.

"Because sex dolls are creepy! Too creepy!"

"As opposed to cuddling with stolen underwear?"

"Underwear is something very personal, it adheres to one's most private parts throughout the day so you can say that something of a person's essence can be found in their underwear."

"That makes absolutely no sense. You are one step away from those disturbed individuals that buy used panties."

"So not true! I have no interest in other women's underwear. Only yours."

"I'll sell you my favorite bra, then. One million yen."

"Sold!"

It was Namie's time to blink.

"Are you serious?"

"Sure am, I'll wire you the money right now. Bring me the bra!"

Izaya rubbed his hands most happily.

"Just when I think you can no longer surprise me…"

"Tell you what, throw in the matching panties and let's make it two million yen."

"Three million."

"Sold!"

"Orihara, you're an awful negotiator."

"We'd agreed to drop the family name thing! I am fine with 'Izaya' and suggest 'Iza-chan' as a wonderful way of being addressed."

"Iza-chan, you're an awful negotiator."

"So much better! Money is no object when delicious undies are involved."

"Your choice of vocabulary is as strange as ever. I half-expect you to eat the underwear."

"Tsk, so funny of you, Namie! They do say that once thought it cannot be unthought."

And in fact both the therapist and Shiki could not help imagining Izaya gobbling down lacy panties. Not that Namie's panties were of the lacy kind but the mental picture naturally ran in that direction.

"I wouldn't put it past you."

"Do we have a deal?"

"Alright."

"Yes!"

"But first calm down. No going hyper now."

"I shall model my conduct to achieve a perfect state of ataraxia."

"Enough talking, time to finish your meal."

Like an obedient boy Izaya did as told.

"Doc, it is here!"

Izaya had just retired for the night with the therapist on tow. There was a package waiting for him and he now busied himself about it.

"What is?"

"Behold!"

Izaya undid the package to reveal a long cable and a screen.

"What is it?"

"A surveillance device, topnotch stuff. This is optic cable, you see, with a microscopic camera attached. It transmits footage straight to this screen with crystal clear definition."

"Orihara-san, you're not thinking of installing that in Yagiri-san's room?"

"Of course not. You'll be doing that."

"What?!"

"Why do you think I pay you so handsomely?"

"I'm a therapist, not a peeping tom!"

"Obviously. If you dared do any peeping I'd sink you into the Mariana trench, never mind Tokyo Bay. You'll just install the device for me."


	75. Chapter 75

"That's illegal!"

"Doc, look at it this way. Here I am, sick and vulnerable. What can cheer me up and help me recover? Why, naked Namie, that's what!"

The therapist sighed heavily.

"Orihara-san, this is a very bad idea. Yagiri-san has warned you of what would happen if she ever finds you spying on her again. You'll be jeopardizing your sex life not to mention your entire relationship for good. It is not worth it."

Izaya pouted but seemed to be giving it some thought.

"I guess you're right…but it's such torture, knowing Namie is right next door! Ah, but not all is bad. I got her to sell me some of her undies! Profit all around."

"For two million yen…that's hardly profit…"

"It's a matter of priorities. I can make two million yen in a couple of hours but no amount of effort can give me access to Namie's underclothes."

"I see."

There was no point arguing.

"But you're right, I must focus on the big picture here. No point in compromising my future marriage over this."

The therapist did not even bother telling Izaya that this future marriage was remarkably unlikely anyway. Instead he decided tackle an issue that had been bothering him for a while.

"Orihara-san, there is something I would like to us to discuss."

"I'm all ears, do tell."

"I've noticed you have a tendency for always eschewing mistakes. No matter what happens you will start off by stating it is not your fault. This is not healthy."

Izaya blinked.

"But doc, that's because more often than not it truly is not my fault. I am simply the victim of circumstances or misunderstood. Everyone is so judgmental and no one seems interested in understanding the reasons behind my actions."

"Can you give an example?"

The therapist supposed he would regret asking. He was right.

"Why, just because I happened to drug and stuff two girls into a suitcase does not mean I am evil. I had my reasons. One could say I did them a favor."

Before the therapist could express his horror there was a knock at the door that turned out to be Shiki.

"Shiki-san! So glad to see you. Do come in, let's have some tea."

Izaya still had some time until sleep time and he wanted to make the best out of it. That included chatting with Shiki.

"Thank you."

Izaya had the therapist prepare the tea and almost bounced about as he was wont to do. He knew he should not overtire himself or there would be hell to pay but it was difficult as self-restrain was a virtue Izaya was almost entirely unacquainted with.

"Shiki-san, it's great you're here. I want you to be the best man at my wedding!"

Shiki took a sip of tea. He was finding Izaya more and more amusing by the second.

"I'm honored, wasn't aware you were getting married."

"I sure am!"

"When is this joyous occasion taking place?"

Probably on the 32nd of the 13th month.

"I do not know yet. And doc, I'd have you for my best man but Shiki-san is just so cool. What with his looking so handsome in the white suit and being so smooth. From an aesthetical point of view it's a no brainer. You're nice and all but Shiki-san is a hipster without even trying or caring about it, extra bonus points of coolness!"

"Ah…"

"And this shows I am very confident in my own cuteness, I'm not threatened by having a handsome man in my wedding."

The therapist did not even know what to say.

"I'm not too sure I'd consider myself a hipster as you put it."

"That's the whole point, Shiki-san! You're too cool to even give a damn about such things, extreme coolness is extremely cool. But don't worry doc, you're still invited to the wedding. You're halfway between an actual character and a NPC."

"I see,"

There was no point in saying anything.

"Shiki-san, I'll need your help in finding a beautiful place for the Japanese ceremony. I want a scenic spot for a backdrop."

"That can be arranged."

"Thanks! As for the Western ceremony, I'm taking it to Europe."

"Western ceremony?"

Izaya nodded.

"I couldn't decide on what type of wedding to for so I decided to have two ceremonies, a traditional Japanese one and a Western one. And we don't know how to do the whole white dress ceremony thing here. No hotel chapel for me, I'll book a cathedral in Europe and do it properly."


	76. Chapter 76

"Forgive me if I'm being too old fashioned but in my day it was the bride who worried about wedding dresses, venues and the like. Grooms did not use to care all that much."

"Chalk it down to my metrosexual ways!"

Shiki only had the vaguest idea of what a metrosexual was and he could not help but thinking of sex on the subway, something he suspected Izaya was into.

"So are the guests all flying to Europe, then?"

"I'll be footing the bill but it'll be worth it. Also, doc, no need to worry about dress code. I'll buy you some decent clothes. No offense but you look like the type that goes for rental suits."

Which was indeed true.

"So you're going for a Christian wedding?"

"It's all about the pretty cathedral, the religion behind it is not all that important. But a Catholic marriage is almost impossible to dissolve! Now as a principle, that's just wrong but in my particular case it'd be wonderful!"

"And does Yagiri-san agree?"

Izaya hesitated ever so slightly.

"All in due time!"

"And have you any plans for the honeymoon?"

If Shiki was not with the yakuza, the therapist would have told him not to lead Izaya on anymore. But he was far too afraid of any repercussions.

"Of course! We'll be touring Europe and seeing all those laboratories Namie is so fond of."

"Are laboratories…romantic these days?"

Shiki took full advantage of his self-proclaimed ignorance about young people in general to ask the most absurd of questions. It was the best way of getting Izaya to spill the beans much to Shiki's amusement.

"I wouldn't say so but Namie is really into laboratories. So I'd say labs are sexy! They go hand in hand with lab coats and those are indeed sexy…no need to wear anything underneath either!"

"That would make experiments a bit unsafe, I believe."

"That is true but the kink factor is very high!"

"Quite so."

"Lab coats are so white…wonder if they become see through when wet. I'll 'accidentally' spill some water on Namie next time she wears her trademark lab coat."

"Orihara-san, that is bound to result in pain for you."

"Very likely but one needs endure some suffering in this world if one is to have one's way."

Shiki suspected that Izaya actually enjoyed this said suffering. With that in mind, something occurred to you.

"Your devotion to Yagiri-san is most admirable. How about having it engraved in your body in the shape of a irezumi? I can get a topnotch irezumi artist on it. It is of course a very painful procedure but I know that is not problem for you."

Izaya gasped.

"Oh wow, I could have naked Namie on my back! All I'd have to do is look in a mirror to see naked!Namie!"

It was the therapist turn to hesitate. As afraid of Shiki as he was, he could let Izaya get ahead with this as he knew he would have to deal with Namie. And Namie's wrath was probably worse than anything Shiki would throw his way.

"Orihara-san, the moment Yagiri-san sees that irezumi you will lose any chance of ever marrying her."

"Ah, you're probably right. Namie is not a very forgiving woman."

Understatement of the year as far as Shiki was concerned. Izaya yawned and rubbed his eyes so much like a little kid that Shiki could not help finding it cute. It was his cue to leave.

"You should rest now, it's getting late."

"Ah, so sad to see you go, Shiki-san…and to think I already had a nap this afternoon…so tired already…"

Later that night the therapist was summoned to Namie's room.

"I called you over to discuss Izaya's sexual orientation., take a seat."

It was one of those topics that never got old, apparently.

"Yes…? What about it?"

"As I am sure you are aware, Izaya is bisexual."

The therapist did have a vague idea such a thing had been mentioned but he hardly paid much attention, the Namie obsession was so overwhelming that it did away with away with other considerations.

"I believe he said as much,"

"I've decided to use that to my advantage. Diverting Izaya's attention with other women proved useless so I figure I'll tackle it from another angle and try to interest him in men instead."

"I really can't see that happening…"

Namie stared at the therapist long enough to make him feel most uncomfortable.

"I don't suppose you could date him?"


	77. Chapter 77

Had the therapist been standing he would have fallen, the shock was that great.

"Me?!"

"It wouldn't work, you're hardly attractive enough for Izaya's tastes."

For the first time in his life the therapist was grateful for his lack of good looks.

"Yagiri-san, this is not a good idea,"

"I'll need your help, this is what you'll do. You'll place these headphones on him while he's sleeping and play this audio file. Subliminal messages are hardly as effective as it is believed but they may have some influence."

"The audio file is…?"

"It contains some messages to the effect of influencing him to pursue his homosexual tendencies. You can think of it as a mild form of hypnosis."

"You're trying to turn him gay…?"

"Don't be ridiculous, it is a proven fact that sexual orientation cannot be changed. All reparative therapy results in failure and causes great emotional suffering. Izaya already is bisexual, I'm simply trying to move him along the Kinsey scale toward the homosexual zone."

"Ah…"

"Izaya exhibits typical obsessive behavior, I need only get him to transfer his obsession to another object. Try to get him to tell you what kind of man he is attracted to, I can then find someone that fits the profile."

The therapist sighed. Once again he was reminded that he was dealing not with one crazy one but two.

"Yagiri-san, that would never work. Besides, let us assume that it does work, considering how focused Orihara-san gets when it comes to his love interest, he would probably allow his man to have too much influence over him. What if this man ends up vetoing you?"

Namie seemed to consider this.

"You actually raise an important point, guess you are not entirely useless. I'll give up on this project, it is in my best interest to keep my influence over Izaya intact and if possible to reinforce it. Not to mention it would mean all the Pavlovian conditioning I did on Izaya would go to waste"

The therapist hesitated slightly, he wasn't too sure he wanted to know. But curiosity got the best out of him.

"Pavlovian conditioning…?

"As you know one of the reasons why I treat him the way I do is so that I can more easily control him with minimal effort: starve him of affection and keep him in check with a few well timed demonstration of emotional rapport. But that is not the whole of it. Handling Izaya is difficult and requires method. Over the years I have employed a simple kiss on the forehead as a means to exert my influence on him. He has come to associate it with all his crazy notions of love and to view it as a sign of deep attachment. It is not quite hypnosis but it works under the same principle, something akin to self-suggestion."

"I see,"

"Unfortunately it loses its efficacy if used too often which is why I save it for critical situations."

"And is Orihara-san aware of this?"

Namie's insidiously manipulative ways made Izaya's plans for spying on her seem mere child's play.

"He is probably aware to some degree but hardly consciously. For all his apparent randomness there are some predictable patterns I've learnt to recognize. For example, his 'heartbreak' is usually followed by a bout of exaggerated enthusiasm, at times in the same breath."

"I've noticed that as well."

"I hope so. I expect you not to be taken in by his antics. You may go now, I'll record a new audio file with a more suitable message."

"You're still doing the subliminal message thing…?"

"Of course."

The following day the therapist was once more pondering on how truly evil Namie could be when he walked into Izaya's room only to find the woman in question nonchalantly prancing all over Izaya's back.

"Yagiri-san, what are you doing?!"

"It's a form a massage that uses the soles of the feet."

And to drive the point Namie trampled some more.

"Ah, doc! This is heaven, heaven! It'd be even better if you were naked, Namie,"

"Shut up."

"Iza-chan is a good boy!"

"'Iza-chan' will keep quiet."

It was into this spectacle that Shiki walked just in time to see Namie bringing down a foot on Izaya's spine. Shiki stood watching in fascination for a while and then coughed not too discreetly.

"I'm sorry, seems I am interrupting a…private moment."

"We're almost done, aren't we, 'Iza-chan'?"


	78. Chapter 78

Izaya was enjoying himself thoroughly but he agreed to put an end to the torture looking massage sessions. He stretched himself and sighed most contently.

"Ah, this really is great. I feel so relaxed, it's like my body is made of light. Speaking of massages, do you do Thai massages at your clubs, Shiki-san?"

"Some of the girls specialize in that kind of massaged, yes."

Shiki had an idea where this was going and it was bound to be most amusing. Namie anticipated it as well and cut Izaya short before he could even speak.

"The answer is 'no', I am not going to learn any Thai massage for your enjoyment."

Izaya folded his arms and looked most wise.

"Now, now, I had no intention of making you learn how to give Thai massages. I want to learn myself and give you some delightful Thai massages!"

"Not interested. And don't 'but Namie' me."

Izaya was indeed about to go down that road but he now stopped himself and changed gears.

"Do make yourself at home, Shiki-san."

"Thank you."

"Namie, I was watching Dr. Oz the other day,"

"You were watching what?"

"Could it be that you do not know Dr. Oz?"

"It could."

"Dr. Oz is an American television doctor, his show is huge in the States. He gives health advice mostly on female health issues."

"Why are you watching this show? You already have one too many quack doctor in your life, do you really have to watch another on television?"

"Why, Dr. Oz isn't a quack! At least not entirely, he's a real doctor."

"If you say so."

"Anyway, Dr. Oz was saying that when women stop having the usual symptoms associated with their periods it might mean that they are not ovulating properly. When I heard this I was very worried."

"Why? How does it at all concern you?"

"Women represent half of humanity, of course it concerns me!"

Shiki shifted a bit.

"Perhaps I should leave?"

"Stay, Shiki-san. Biology is nothing to be ashamed of. Orihara's creepiness, however, is."

"It's not creepy!"

"Is there a point to this conversation?"

"Right, like I said I was worried so I called your gynecologist,"

"You did what?"

"I called your gynecologist just to see if everything is alright,"

"Orihara, you do realize that's hardly appropriate, right?"

"But it's not like you'd tell me yourself…"

"Why is my doctor disclosing private information to you, of call people?"

"I tried to pose as your husband but it did not get me anywhere, professional secrecy and all that. So I had to threaten him a bit."

"I am changing doctors and as soon as you fully recover I am going to teach you just how great a blunder you committed."

"I was worried about you! You know how those contraceptives of yours diminish menstrual pains and the like, if something was off you wouldn't know…"

"I would know as it is my body and I take very good care of it. On second thought, just changing doctors is not enough. I must think this through."

The therapist suspected that in the near future a certain gynecologist was about to find himself at the bottom of Tokyo bay. Izaya pouted and twirled his thumbs.

"Maybe you'd know but how would I know…"

"It's none of your business anyway."

"I just want you to be healthy and happy."

"Then you can start by not going out of your way to aggravate me. You cause me more suffering than PMS."

Shiki pretended to cough lest he burst out laughing. Izaya was discomfited but not entirely defeated yet.

"On the subject of contraceptives, I read an article the other day about this microchip that is implanted under the skin and provides contraception for a whole sixteen years! It can be deactivated if need be through a computer."

"It is still being developed but it does seem like a very good business opportunity. But it is not an option I'd consider myself."

"Why not?"

"Because of you."

"I am shocked! Actually, I am also confused…what do you mean?"

"Knowing your trollish ways and your computer skills I am sure you could hack into the system and deactivate the chip just so you could do 'Babies! Namie!babies! Oh joy!'."

"I wouldn't do that…"

"So you say."

"Although I am very good with children."

"That much I'll grant but I suspect it's because you have a child's level of maturity."


	79. Chapter 79

Shiki found himself thinking out loud,

"I don't suppose Izaya is into baby roleplay with diapers and the like?"

Izaya shivered, for once quite dismayed.

"Er, Shiki-san, I think you somehow got the wrong idea about me…"

"We see that kind of thing at our clubs all the time."

"It's something I can easily imagining you going for, actually."

"Namie! How can you say that!"

Namie shrugged.

"How am I supposed to know what kind of fetishes you entertain in that brain of yours?"

"I'll tell you all about them! But maybe some other time…"

Izaya glanced at Shiki as if only now realizing how highly indiscrete he had been all along.

"Please don't. I am not interested."

"Like the doc here says, relationships are all about communication, communication."

"Unlike you I believe there is such a thing as too much information. So keep your fantasies to yourself."

"When you put it like that, it's like my fantasies are sick or something…it's perfectly normal to be into wet wedding dresses, lab coats and maid outfits."

"Wet wedding dresses? That's a new one."

"Wedding dresses being white become see-through when wet and cling to the body!"

"You really don't have to explain."

"So you admit it's absolutely irresistible!"

"This is what I got to deal with every day."

This was meant to Shiki who took some time replying.

"I am sure Izaya-kun is a very good boss."

Shiki felt a bit sorry seeing how Izaya kept digging himself a deeper hole and so

brought the conversation to the more neutral topic of work.

"That's right, I am a great boss! No need to worry about Hobby Lobby like issues with me, all healthcare is fully covered, contraception included. Even including condoms that I would rather avoid."

At this point it occurred to Shiki that give Izaya enough rope and he was bound to hang himself quite nicely.

"You do realize it's Yagiri pharmaceutics that manufactures those contraceptives, right? I can get them for free."

"Then what have I been paying all this time?!"

"I put that money aside."

"Oh, saving up money for when we start our life together? That's what I can being prepared! I too am always prepared, never leave home without a least a few of these."

Izaya produced a package of condoms and smiled beautifully. As it so often happened he was getting too carried away.

"I won't ask why you have those but what's this 'our life together' talk? Our life couldn't possibly be more 'together', we spend more time together than most married couples."

"But it's not the same!"

Namie turned to the therapist.

"Can we ban marriage as a topic from now on? There should be a limit to monomania."

"It breaks,"

"It breaks your heart, I know. I should start charging one yen each time you go on a 'heartbreak rant', I'd be able to finance my research and make a profit in no time."

"Then I'll charge the same amount each time you 'Orihara' me. It's only fair."

Namie sighed.

"Fine. I won't call you by your family name again."

"See, communication does work!"

"I suspect you count dirty talk as 'communication'."

"Why, of course. Language is involved to transmit a message, therefore a form of communication is established."

"It's amazing how rational in some respects you can be while remaining absolutely irrational in others."

"I am a very complex individual."

"That you are."

Shiki picked up the condom package and studied it.

"These are quite colorful. 'Performance'…?"

Izaya blushed on the spot, by now he regretted having made such a display of the condoms when he meant to keep them a secret.

"It's not like I need those but I am very caring and out of respect for Namie I figured I'd opt for this particular type of condom."

Shiki looked thoughtful for a second then opened the package and proceeded to play with a condom, stretching it for all it was worth.

"Is this what they call, 'it's not like I like you or anything' thing but with condoms?"

"Oh, that'd be nice! How about making me a rice omelet and using ketchup to draw a heart or a smiley face?"

Namie stared him down.

"How about I don't."

"Ah…so weak all of a sudden, pain…need…rice omelet…"

"Not going to work."

Izaya sighed, at times life was truly a vale of tears.


	80. Chapter 80

Having been dragged to the ryokan with nothing more than the clothes on his body, the therapist had to send for some luggage from his apartment in Tokyo. As a result, a few suitcases were delivered to another room and he had to spend some time recovering it. The ryokan management saw fit to grant him a complimentary drink as a way of making up for the bother and so he got to unwind and relax for a while.

Nothing like some time apart from IzaNami, or NamIzaya, to put things into perspective and make him aware of how utterly insane the pair was. Constant interaction had a weird normalizing effect and this break was very needed lest he craziness ended up frying his brain.

He was musing this when he returned to the room .

"Ah, doc. Glad you're back. There was a call for you."

"Thanks,"

Izaya handed the therapist the cell phone and smiled brightly.

"No problem. I took the call for you."

The therapist blinked.

"You did…? Who called, exactly?"

Izaya looked thoughtful.

"Hmm…I forget. Suzuki? Tanaka? One of those very common names."

"Those names do not even sound alike…"

The therapist had a very, very bad feeling. Izaya shrugged in his typical desultory way.

"Doc, you know I don't keep track of boring people. Some guy going about killing himself, at any rate."

"What?! And you took the call?!"

"That's what I said. Just hit redial, you'll know who called. Was it Yamamoto?"

The therapist's hand trembled as he hit redial, in his anxiety he had completely forgotten about it. He could only imagine what talking to Izaya could do to a suicidal person and he was extremely relieved when the call went through.

"Yoshida-san? Are you alright- oh. He's here, yes. Really…? As in…really…? That is…ah…alright. Orihara-san, Yoshida-san wants to thank you."

The therapist's bafflement was total. Izaya took the phone most gleefully.

"Watanabe-san, hello! Heh, glad you didn't take dive! Sushi? Sushi you say? Please do! Oh happiness! Hope to hear from you again soon, Nakata-san! No need to thank me, I love humanity after all!"

Even in his confusion the therapist noticed how Izaya managed to misname the name not once but twice in a very short conversation.

"Orihara-san…just what exactly happened?"

"Well, your phone kept ringing so I picked up and it turns out it was one of your patients, about to jump to his death. So I thought to myself, 'chance'!"

"'Chance'…?"

"That's right. You see, I have a lot of experience with suicidal people. Particularly jumpers or jumpers-to-be."

"Really…?"

The therapist was not sure he wanted to hear more about it.

"That's right. Ah, doc, at times it's so disappointing…you think they're going to do it, they tell you they're going to do it, so you arrange things and meet them in person and all of a sudden they pull back at the very last minute. Now that's just rude."

"Ah…"

"Leading on a person like that. No wonder they end up in suitcases, it is pure justice."

Izaya's idea of justice might be even more warped than his idea of love.


	81. Chapter 81

"That is…!"

"Case in point, I told him to consider Kirishma-kun. Kirishima-kun spent three grueling years studying and preparing himself for university and not just any university but Tokyo University. Today he finally saw the results: he was accepted and already there is interest from a prestigious law firm in hiring him once he graduates. It was to be a blissful day, the coronation of all his efforts, the family gathered around to celebrate this young man's success. Krishima-kun had his whole life ahead of him and a life that was bound to be glorious- except Middle Aged Man decides to commit suicide just when Kirishima-kun is passing under the rooftop. Kirishima-kun becomes pulp! The horror! Upon finding out, the mother commits suicide. The father loses his mind and goes on a killing rampage that results in multiple fatalities before being shot to death. The shock is so great that the little sister becomes catatonic for life. All because Boring-san was having a middle life crisis! So many lives snuffed out just like that simply because Boring-san decided to be a selfish bastard."

The therapist listened to this derange story in mute amazement and took him a while to reply.

"What the…you actually told Yoshida-san all this?!"

Izaya nodded in his sage way and folded his arms for extra effect, very aware that the long kimono sleeves added impact to the gesture.

"That's right. No need to thank me, job. Just helping out."

"Helping out…? How, exactly…?"

"I'm all for people jumping but I'd be bad for you if that happened. Bad publicity and all that. Hence, Kirishima-kun."

"Kirishima-kun doesn't exist!"

Izaya tsked.

"Doc, that is completely irrelevant. As Aristotle said, what matters in a story is not its truth content but its verisimilitude. In other words, an unlikely yet real story won't cause the same impact as a made up likely story."

The therapist had no idea how Kirishima-kun's imaginary tragedy was at all likely.

"Orihara-san, you have to be very careful when talking to suicidal people! What if he'd jumped?!"

"Well, I advised him to hang himself if he really wanted to die. No point in hurting Kirishima-kun who is absolutely innocent. Now, if Kirishima-kun were to pick up a Death Note all bets are off."

"You told him to hang himself?!"

Izaya nodded.

"Chill, doc. Like I said, I have plenty of experience with suicidal folk. Talking to me always helps!"

"How!"

"Not to mention, jumpers tend to stick to jumping. They are trying to make a statement and go out with a bang, they are not at all likely to kill themselves by hanging."

"Right…what I don't get is, why is Yoshida-san so thankful to you? You told him to hang himself!"

"It must be because I am amazing. At any rate, he realized he error of his ways and is happier now than he has been in ages, he told me so himself. And turns out he runs a sushi restaurant and will treat me as a way of showing his gratitude!"

"I don't get it...you didn't even get his name right!"

It was hard to admit that the therapist, who took such pains to get everyone's name right and spent a long time working with each patient, was completely ignored in favor of Izaya's extremely insane version of therapy. Worse, Izaya's method seemed to work.

"It's like Sailor Moon, you don't expect the Sailor Senshi to remember the names of the victim of the day. Speaking of which, you know how my favorite senshi is Neptune?"

"Yes…?"

Once again things took a turn for the random.

"I want to costplay as Sailor Neptune! I started crossdressing because Namie forced me but it grew on me so why not dress up as Michiru! She is so poised and beautiful."

"Orihara-san, I am sure you meant well and this time it worked but you are never to pick up my calls again."

Izaya shrugged.

"Doc, read the mood, will you? The conversation has moved on, what matters now is Michiru, Michiru. Now, before you say that I'm cheating on Namie with a 2D girl allow me to correct you. I do not want to date Michiru, I'd like to be Michiru if I were a girl!"


	82. Chapter 82

"Why are we talking about Sailor Moon…?"

"Just Sailor Moon and the other senshi do not recall the name of all the victims they save, so I don't keep track of the names of the many people I help. Suffice it to say that my efforts saved the life of this fellow, who cares what his name is."

"So you're comparing yourself to magical girls?"

"Orihara Izaya, in the name of Humanity, will punish you!"

It sounded somewhat naughty and probably deliberately.

"Orihara-san, you're a fan of Sailor Moon?"

"It's a classic! What's not to love, what with the short skirts, the gay, the gender-bending, the lesbians! Doc, who's your favorite senshi! Don't answer! Let me guess! Hmm..is it Mercury? It's Mercury, isn't it? She too is an eternal virgin but a darling girl if a tad too demure. She should learn with Michiru how to use those water powers!"

"Can't say I have a favorite."

"Now that's just sad. Everyone loves Sailor Moon! Oh! Doc, I just had a brilliant idea. Instead of just dressing up as Sailor Neptune, how about Namie doing the same!"

"So you'd both wear Sailor Moon outfits?"

"Neptune, not Moon. Totally different. But you know how couples wear matching sweaters? It'd be like that! Except with crossdressing, short skirts, and high heels."

Izaya smiled broadly and rubbed his hands in anticipation.

"Once again I must stress that your bright idea will result in disaster."

"It's the closest I can get to living a lesbian fantasy. Sailor!trap is just as good, though! Question is, how can I convince Namie to see how great an idea this is. Suggestions, suggestions!"

"I have no clue,"

Izaya narrowed his eyes and was suddenly all serious business.

"Now doc, I hate to say this but at times I wonder why I pay you. You're supposed to help me."

"Orihara-san, how is dressing up going to help improving your relationship?"

"Couples who wear matching clothes are always lovey dovey."

"Matching sweaters is a bit different…"

"You're right, matching sweaters are boring. Magical sailor fukku, however, is love!"

"Do you really think Yagiri-san will ever agree to that?"

"Why not, she wore that lovely maid outfit, remember? And how hot was that!"

"But she did that for a particular reason."

"Hmm…indeed. I don't suppose she'll volunteer to it if she saw me dressed up as Sailor Neptune?"

"The day hell freezes over."

Izaya perked up.

"Then there's a chance! There are eight frozen hells after all!"

"Orihara-san, just give up on this idea."

"I'll put it on my list of things to do with Namie. Speaking of which,"

The therapist listened in growing dismay at yet another outlandish project courtesy of the one and only Orihara Izaya.

"Welcome home, Namie."

Namie was not one to be surprised but she nearly jumped as she walked into her room only to find a very docile Izaya sitting in perfect _seiza_ posture complete with a most respectful bow.

"What are you doing now?"

She addressed Izaya but glanced around to find the therapist sitting by and looking quite at a loss as useless people were wont to do.

"Should I run you a bath? Or perhaps you would care for some tea or some snacks?"

"First of all, what are you doing in my room and secondly why are you acting like Yamato Nadeshiko?"

Izaya giggled in a weirdly demure way as he arranged Namie's shoes in a neat row.

"I asked the ryokan people for the key as we are supposed to be married. Is Japanese tea alright?"

Izaya busied himself boiling the water, his gestures graceful but very restrained.

"Okay, what is going on here. You, answer."

She meant the therapist who gestured weakly in the hopes of placating her.

"Yagiri-san, you should ask Orihara-san."

"I have but he's acting weirder than usual. Izaya, explain yourself right now before I get angry."

Izaya got out of character by jumping to his feet.

"Being the modern person I am, I decided to do away with strict gender roles by acting like a traditional wife."

Namie actually face palmed.

"I should not ask. But I will ask anyway, why?"

"How else can a man show his disdain for gender roles by becoming a traditional wife! I am a firm believer in gender equality."


	83. Chapter 83

"So, you're a traditional wife. Just what does that make me? Considering I work for you, am I supposed to be some domestic servant?"

"No, no, no, so not! You're the husband, the husband!"

Namie considered the many possibilities that Izaya's current mania offered her.

"I see. If you're a traditional wife and I'm a traditional husband then I can pretty much order you around all I want, can't I. I think you had a good idea for once."

Namie's smile was chilling, Izaya's was rather yellow.

"Eh, I think we're done playing,"

"Oh no you don't. You started this, darling, so you'll see it through. I-za-chan."

Iza-chan looked around for support but the therapist made sure not to establish eye contact.

"Ah…"

"First of all, tighten your kimono and take small steps when you walk. A wife is supposed to be graceful. You, do it for him."

The therapist had no other choice but to obey.

"Is this okay, Namie…?"

"Formal language. And what is this 'Namie' talk? You may address me as 'Yagiri-sama'."

"Yagiri-sama…!"

"That's right. But you're supposed to bow when you speak to me."

By now it was all too obvious Izaya's original intention had backfired greatly. But he still tried to salvage the situation.

"Yagiri-sama, should I clean your ears? Please use Iza-Iza's lap as a pillow!"

"Traditional wives aren't Idols, they don't 'Iza-Iza' themselves. Try again."

"Yagiri-sama, do let your most humble servant clean your ears."

Namie seemed to be considering the offer.

"Not bad but your intonation is still off."

Izaya sweetened his voice.

"Your wish is my command."

"Now you're going into SM submissive partner territory more than traditional wife. Then again I suppose there isn't that great of a difference."

Clearly Namie had a very particular idea of what made for a traditional wife.

Receiving no reply after knocking on Izaya's room, Shiki decided to try Namie's.

"Come in."

Shiki walked into a bizarre scene even by Namizaya's standards. Instead of the ryokan's kimono Namie had Izaya dressed up in a stiff dark blue kimono with a heavy obi. This was already a bit irregular but much stranger was that fact that Izaya was on all fours, serving as footstool to Namie who lorded over in a chair.

"Am I interrupting something…?"

Seemed that every time Shiki dropped by he met with borderline kinky play.

"Not at all, Shiki-san. Iza-chan, prepare tea for our guest."

"Yes, Yagiri-sama."

Poor Izaya was already half dead from acting as human furniture and being so unused to wearing a kimono that was tight around the legs, he immediately fell over the moment he tried to up.

Fortunately the thump as Izaya hit the tatami covered up Shiki's chuckle. Namie sighed and helped him to his feet. Shiki was still digesting 'Iza-chan' and 'Yagiri-sama' and wondering what on Earth was going on this time around.

"Gah…"

"You're getting your tropes mixed up, the clumsy act doesn't go with 'traditional wife'."

Namie picked Izaya up by the bow of the obi and dangled him some. Izaya flailed in a most definitely not ladylike manner.

"Is it some kind of roleplay…?"

"Izaya is a traditional wife and I'm a traditional husband."

"I see."

Shiki did not at all get it but he had to say something. Namie finally put Izaya down and ignored his whimpering.

"Unfortunately he cannot be trusted with most wifely tasks. He would sniff and/or steal my laundry, can't be trusted with cooking food despite being knife-happy and he'd end up training any kids into becoming his personal army. You, go get us some cold Japanese tea, see if it revives Iza-chan here."

And Namie poked poor Iza-chan with her foot. The therapist was glad to be dismissed. He planned on taking his own sweet time getting the drinks but changed his mind as he spotted none other than Shinra. Knowing that this could easily result in a disaster of epic proportions if Namie and Izaya were to run into Shinra, the therapist hurried back.

"Yagiri-san, I just saw Kishitani-san."

Izaya was on his feet immediately, constricting kimono notwithstanding.

"This means war!"


	84. Chapter 84

Namie nodded in agreement.

"We must do something about it. But what an amazing coincidence, what are the odds?"

Shiki hid a smile by acting most solemn. It was no coincidence at all. Shiki had sent Shinra an invitation for two to spend a free weekend at the ryokan. He was already having so much fun with the oddball couple that he might as well up and ante by bringing their rivals into play. If Shiki were into the internet he would say he did it for the lolz.

"That is beside the point, we must gather our resources and deal with the enemy."

And in order to do that Izaya needed some help getting out of the kimono. Namie achieved this by undoing the obi and spinning Izaya around until he was quite naked and very dizzy.

"Namies go round and round…!"

Izaya and Namie had not even seen Shinra and Celty yet and already Shiki was greatly amused.

"Get dressed, we're calling a War Council."

The therapist went as far as to take a tentative step in the hopes of escaping from this self-proclaimed War Council but that was as far as he got. Izaya, still very much in the nudge, grabbed him by the hem of the kimono.

"Great job, doc! I'm promoting you to Minion Grade Two. Congratulations! Incidentally, Kida-kun is Minion Grade One so you're his superior now even though he is technically your senpai."

The therapist was almost certain Izaya had just come up with this grading system on the spot and would probably forget all about it in no time.

"I don't suppose he saw you? And I told you already to get dressed. You're this close to becoming an exhibitionist."

Izaya pouted.

"But Namie, you were the one undressing me…and being so rough and all, can't say I dislike it when you get all forceful."

"I don't see why you even bother being misleading when the witnesses know what actually happened. Then again you act that way even when we're alone. Were you seen or not?"

Namie returned to the therapist who flinched.

"No, I'm sure he didn't see me."

"Good."

Otherwise it would probably be Tokyo Bay for the therapist.

"I will leave you to your War Council, then."

"Stay, Shiki-san! You're a powerful ally! We must have you on our side."

Shiki wouldn't have it any other day.

Celty had not been all that happy about this ryokan business but she had changed her mind: Shinra was ecstatic, the place was highly luxurious and the scenery beautiful to behold. And more importantly, no one seemed curious about her. She was beginning to think that this was just what they needed, a break from the big city and was looking forward to some relaxation in a pavilion overlooking a cozy bay when what did she see if not Namie and Izaya.

In that order for Namie was lording on a sofa behind which Izaya stood, his hands massaging Namie's shoulders.

[Izaya can leave Tokyo?! I thought there was some kind of force field that kept him from leaving the city!]

"Shinra, Celty! Fancy finding you here. How wonderful!"

Izaya beamed them one of his most brilliant smiles. Shinra adjusted his glasses.

"I was wondering where you'd gone to, Tokyo was too calm."

[Let's go back, right now! An Izaya-less Tokyo is better than any Izaya-infested place!]

Shinra gestured conciliatorily. He was not about to let Izaya and Namie ruin this honeymoon rehearsal, for like Izaya he too saw this ryokan stay as a wonderful opportunity for testing future marital bliss.

"My, my, let's not argue. I'm sure Izaya would rather be left to his own devices as it is. We'll just be on our way."

"Iza-chan, looks like your friends are leaving."

Shinra froze on the spot. He could not let this slide, being 'chan-ed' by his love interest was an ambition of his for a long time and that Izaya had beaten it to him was simply unacceptable.

"Then again, this is such a coincidence that we might as well spend some time with your guys. Right, Celty-chan?"

[Celty-chan…?]

"How wonderful! Doc, bring them some seats."

The therapist, who the newcomers had completely failed to see up to this point, flitted into view carrying some chairs that were considerably lower than Namie's throne-like sofa.

[You're still alive?! Oh you poor soul!]

"Doc is almost part of the family!"

[Like I said, poor soul!]


	85. Chapter 85

The therapist smiled sheepishly. He had hoped that the couples would get so caught up in their crazy fight that they would forget all about him but apparently that was not to be. Shinra settled into the offered seat and Celty had no other choice but to do the same. Suspecting that he had been fallen some trap of Izaya's and already annoyed over the '-chan' deal, Shinra lost no time in attacking.

"This really is a great place for couples. I wonder what kind of person travels with a therapist…anyone who is truly in love enough would like to be alone with the love of his life in such a paradisiacal place. Just me and Celty-chan!"

Namie lifted an eyebrow.

"You used 'love' twice in the same sentence. Quite redundant."

[Can you drop that 'Celty-chan' thing? It's creeping me out.]

Izaya clicked with his tongue.

"Of course, it would be so much more to spend some quality time together, just the two of us, but we could not let an opportunity for improving our relationship to go to waste. The doc is here for some ongoing, real time therapy."

Shinra seemed to be considering this.

"Hmm….aren't you guys overthinking it? That is too intellectual, where's the heart! Celty and I never waste time complicating our relationship, it's so natural that our love just flows!"

Shinra was getting carried away. And Izaya was not quite done.

"All important things in life require a lot of thought. Deciding what school to choose, what career pick and how to better achieve it, all these things are important and yet not half as important as love. If we spend so much time thinking about such things how can we pursue love without the same intellectual commitment?"

Shinra was not expecting this. He flailed a bit.

"Well, I suppose that is a way of looking at it."

[Just let them have their weird therapy. God only knows what they see in each other but it is a perfect match in a creepy, creepy way!]

Namie's eyesight was very good. She was able to read Celty's PDA even though she was sitting at some distance.

"If you don't see why a woman and many a man would be attracted to a highly attractive, genius informant capable of taking over the world then I suppose you really are too non-human. Then again, your taste level is somewhat dubious, considering who you're with."

Celty was immediately on her feet.

[Shinra is cute! Way cuter than Izaya!]

Celty could tell from Namie's slow, knowing smile that she had just fallen into one of Namizaya's traps. But there was nothing she could do about it, Celty was too impulse to jump to Shinra's defense, almost literally so, whenever she thought he was under attack. And that was just the way Namie and Izaya liked it: there was only one thing better than blindsiding some poor victim and that was to let the poor victim realize just what was happening and if possible make the victim cooperate in their own destruction.

"Do you truly think so? Let us put that to the test. We'll gather a sample of females and ask them which one they find more attractive, Izaya or…I forgot his name, The Quack."

Izaya giggled. Shinra had been staring adoringly at Celty and now burst into speech.

"Celty-chan! Who cares what other people think, as long as you think I'm cuter!"

But Celty could not back down.

[Bring it on!]

"I'll call Shiki-san and have him assemble a sample."

Shiki had been watching everything through a mostly closed sliding door. He now hurried away lest his phone ringing revealed his position. This was going to be a blast.

In order to avoid any biases Shiki selected a group of recently arrived women. Izaya had already made quite an impression on the resident tourists so Shiki figured that a fresh batch was better.

In order to encourage them to vote Shiki threw a banquet to all the voters. The event, if it could be called an event, was left to the therapist to host since he was considered the most neutral party. In reality, Shiki would have been a better pick but he wanted to focus exclusively on enjoying the whacky moment.


	86. Chapter 86

The therapist stood in front of a whole crowd of women with Izaya and Shiki on either side. It made him very nervous. He coughed a few times and tried to gain courage. Meanwhile, Celty and Namie stood by as did Shiki.

"Er, right. Ladies, we brought you here to ask which of the men standing next to him you find prettier, Orihara Izaya-san or Kishitani Shinra-san. Please fill in these cards."

As Celty watched she too became quite nervous. She did not know precisely how but Izaya looked if not cuter than usual than oddly innocent and almost bashful in an adorable way as he waved at the crowd. Meanwhile Shinra looked rather awkward and somewhat disheveled. Unbeknownst to her, Namie had averaged out the age of the voters to be around 42 years old and as such decided to put her makeup skills to good use. Despite disliking makeup with a passion Namie had become and expert at it since social functions that she was forced to attend demanded as much. She opted to downplay Izaya's sexiness and go for a sweet and cuddly look instead because she considered it more likely to gain points with middle aged women.

So confident was Namie that she did not even look slightly concerned. Which annoyed Celty to no end.

[No need to get all smug! Shinra can win this]

"How about we place a bet, then? If you're so secure."

Celty was not exactly secure but turning down at this point would be to accept defeat. On the other hand, she was too wise to agree to Namie's terms without finding out more about the terms.

[What kind of bet?]

"If I win you will tell Izaya how great a person a he is. In the words I choose."

This did not sound too bad. Celty was surprised, she expected a much more outlandish demand.

[What if I win?]

"You won't. But if you do, Izaya and I will leave you and the Quack alone."

[Don't call him that! And can you really vouch for Izaya? That he'll leave us alone?]

"I can. Izaya likes trolling you guys but he likes boobies better."

[Ah…right…]

"So you agree to the terms?"

It seemed well worth taking a shot, Celty had nothing to lose.

[You're on!]

Namie's smile would have made Light proud.

"So, the results are in. Out of 51 votes...Orihara-san got 48 votes, Kishitani-san got 1 vote and, 'The distinguished gentleman in the white suite' got 1 vote."

This referred to Shiki who did not even need to be in race to get a vote. Meanwhile Izaya was high-fiving Namie.

"Ladies, thank you so much for your votes!"

It was a landslide but Celty was not about to let it go at this.

[So girls like Izaya better, maybe guys prefer Shinra]

Namie's gloating was almost palpable. She patted Izaya's head as she spoke but stared firmly into Celty's helmet.

"Oh? Izaya can't walk down Shinjuku's 3 chome without getting gang raped. He's that popular with men."

[Wait, has this happened?!]

"Of course not. I would never allow him to go to such a dangerous place all by himself. I must protect Iza-chan."

Iza-chan was literally moved to tears.

"Izaya, go get me something to drink."

"I'm on it!"

The one woman who had voted for Shinra was busy talking to him so it was just Celty and Namie once Izaya sauntered away.

"You haven't forgotten our bet, I hope."

Celty hoped Namie had forgotten but she knew better than to expect it. She did the equivalent of sighing.

[Okay, I'll do it]

"Good. Here are your lines."

Namie handed her a sheet of paper. Celty read with growing dismay.

[You can't be serious!]

"I am serious. Is there a problem?"

[It's too much!]

"You agreed to the terms. You are a…creature of your word, right?"

[That pause…and then 'creature', what is wrong with you!]

"I take that to a be rhetorical question but mine is a simple 'yes' or 'no' query."

[Fine! I'll do it]

"Indeed you will."


	87. Chapter 87

Izaya was all bouncy, even more than usual, as he returned. He made his way through the sea of women who were now feasting, smiling to everyone and being so sickeningly sweet that Celty would have rolled her eyes had she any.

"Here you are, Namie! I brought you tea!"

[Er, Izaya…]

Izaya blinked. He had no idea why Celty was talking to him, in fact, he had no idea why she was even here at all. Having already played her part in today's event he half-expected her to simply disappear as it happened to secondary characters once their arc was over.

"Yes? Ah, could it be that you are mad at me for winning this competition? Do not blame me for my cuteness, it's not my fault."

If she had to get ahead with this then she might as well get it over as soon as possible while Shinra was not around.

[I…I…recognize that you are the pinnacle of human existence. As the…ultimate human you are perfect in every regard. And…I really envy your relationship with Yagiri-san, if only I could have something as precious as that.]

Celty felt positively ill. So focused was she on typing this drivel and shoving it on Izaya's face that she failed to see that Shinra had arrived and was reading the whole thing. Meanwhile, Izaya blinked again and broke into one of his dazzling smiles.

"Why, Celty, I know all this already but thanks for telling me! I cannot say your opinion is all that relevant, though."

"Celty! How could you say that!"

Shinra's very real heartbreak had something comical to it. Or maybe the therapist had been spending too much time with Izaya and Namie. Izaya yawned and rubbed his eyes childishly enough.

"Iza-chan is sleepy…"

Namie patted his head, ruffling silky hair.

"It's past Iza-chan's bedtime."

Tears brimmed Shinra's eyes that shone pitifully behind his glasses. The therapist already knew Namie to be evil but this was awful even by her standards.

"Celty! What's so good about Izaya?!"

In his anguish Shinra forgot all about honorifics. Celty gesticulated wildly.

[It's not like that!]

Namie turned to Celty without stopping patting Izaya's head. The therapist could swear he heard Izaya purring.

"Could I interest you in some chess with stakes?"

[NO!]

Namie merely shrugged.

"Oh well. Let's go, Iza-chan."

And just like that Namie sailed away with Izaya on his wake. The therapist was torn. He really wanted to help the currently ailing couple, the glasses fellow was clearly in a world of pain but he knew that it would earn him the wrath of Izaya and Namie. So he compromised by handed Celty a business card of one of his colleagues.

Izaya woke up early in the morning in the best of spirits. The therapist was still feeling sorry for Celty and Shinra when a visitor was announced. In no time, Kida burst on the scene looking exceedingly disgruntled.

"Orihara-san!"

"Oh hi there, Kida-kun! Whatever brings you here?"

"Do you know how hard it was to locate you?!"

"Good underling, you! Keep this up and I may promote you to Grade Two."

"Grade…? There are grades now?"

"Indeed! By the way and this concerns you too doc, Saki-chan is grade 600 thousand. Just to keep things in perspective."

"How many grades are there…? Never mind that! I'm in huge big trouble here!"

"Hmm…I told you not to follow strange men into the back of trucks, not even if they give you candy. Shame on you, Kida-shota."

"It's not that! It's Mikado, Mikado!"

"Did you follow Mikado-kun into the back of a truck?"

"No! He wants to meet Masako!"

Izaya clicked with his tongue.

"That is indeed a problem, isn't it?"

Kida's pent up fury was reaching critical point.

"That's what I'm telling you!"

"Is it that big of a deal? Just tell him the truth."

Kida's jaw dropped.

"WHAT?!"

"All this shouting so early in the morning, it isn't nice. Just make sure there are no pens around and you'll be fine. Why, odds are he won't even care. I'm telling you, it's a match made in heaven and works great for me, too."

"I keep telling you I'm not gay!"

"Right…so deep into the closet you can see Narnia, Kida-gay."

"This is all your fault!"

Izaya's eyes grew into narrow slits. Kida swallowed and took half a step back.

"Oh? Is that so? I'm not too sure I like that tone. Respecting one's elders is important."


	88. Chapter 88

Kida knew he had to backpedal and fast.

"I apologize,"

"That's better. Still not sure I believe you're truly contrite, though."

"I apologize for my rude behavior, Orihara-sama."

Kida knew that at times kissing add paid off.

"So much better. But not quite there yet. Now, I'm not ordering you to kneel on all fours and bow your head to the floor in submission but if you were to do so it would be greatly appreciated."

Which amounted to a command, leaving Kida no choice but to do as told.

"I apologize, Orihara-sama. Please forgive me."

Izaya stared at Kida, at length, a quizzical look on his face.

"Hmm…thought I'd enjoy this so much more. It's just not doing it for me. At ease, Kida-dog."

Kida might have dodged a bullet but he did not feel any better.

"So what am I supposed to do with Mikado…?"

Izaya folded his arms majestically.

"I suppose as your guardian it's my duty to explain. You can either let him 'accidentally' find you changing into Masako, at which point he will jump your bones; or you can tell

him directly, at which point he will jump your bones. Take your pick~"

"There's no way I can do that! And both options end badly for me!"

"Oh? Are you saying you admit your best pal would jump your bones? It's always great to be honest with oneself, right doc?"

"Right,"

"More importantly, back to me. I've heard that handsome men a lower sperm count! This is a great crisis for me."

Kida would have face palmed were he not so beaten down.

"Orihara-san, are you saying that you are handsome…?"

"Obviously. What was I just saying about honesty? Doc, at times you can a bit slow, I worry-"

But Izaya never got around to expressing his worry because the slide door suddenly burst open and Celty stood on the threshold radiating anger that was almost visible. Kida retreated to a corner but he almost did not care if she cut him in half with her scythe of doom, at least the pain would last a moment only and soon it all be over. The therapist found himself stumbling backwards. Only Izaya remained perfectly nunplussed and even smiled invintatingly.

"My, Celty-san! Welcome to my temporary abode. I'm afraid it is not as spacious as my place back home but you are most welcome to take a seat."

[You! You, Izaya, you!]

Izaya blinked.

"Why so incoherent, Celty-san?"

Frantic typing followed and the PDA was nearly flung into Izaya's face.

[Because of you Shinra has holed himself in his room and won't come out!]

"Such a tragedy. But how am I to blame for Shinra has taken a turn for the hikikomori?"

[You toflfh Namie to fhfhf]

Izaya blinked anew.

"I am afraid I do not follow. Let us calm down and type slowly. Neh? Communication is important."

Celty's shoulders heaved as she collected herself. The helmet shone menacingly.

[You told Yagiri-san to rope me into saying mean things to Shinra!]

Izaya tilted his head to the side and made a show of being in deep thought.

"Hmm…there's seems to be a misunderstanding here. I do not order Namie to do anything. That's what you do with underlings, like Kida-kun there."

Only now did Celty notice Kida who had curled into a fetal position in the corner.

[What's wrong with him?]

"Nothing. Kida-kun is just having a Shinji moment, no need to worry. Now, if that is all I was having an important conversation."

[You've got to do something!]

Izaya sighed dramatically.

"It seems you have some sort of beef with Namie. If so then you should take it up with her instead of blaming me. Then again, I understand if you are somewhat fearful of approaching her. Namie can be scary!"

[Just help Shinra already!]

Izaya seemed to have something of an epiphany.

"Help out Shinra? As in, out of the kindness of my heart, an act for pure altruism?"

[…forget I asked.]

Celty made as if to leave.

"Not so fast! This is my opportunity for showing my good side!"

"Do you even have a good side…"

"Doc, I could swear I heard a fly buzzing about but I must be mistaken. Isn't that right?"

Izaya's bright, dazzling, absolutely creepy smile chilled the therapist to the bone.

[On second thought, never mind]


	89. Chapter 89

But Izaya had already jumped to his feet and was getting all worked up as he was wont to.

"It is my duty to help out a vaguely friendly creature that orbits my very large circle of acquaintances!"

[Did you just call Shinra 'creature'?!]

Izaya skipped daintily until he reached Shinra's room, hid behind a large potted plant and piped in a trembling, highly artificial voice that had nothing to do with his usual tone.

"Oh no! Aliens are kidnapping the helmet lady! Whatever can be done!"

Sure enough Shinra burst out of the room and zeroed in on a rather confused Celty who was just standing in the middle of the corridor.

"Celty! I'll protect you from the evil aliens!"

[I don't even,]

"All is well now!"

Izaya tip-toed away back to his room where the therapist was still unsure of what had just happened while Kida remained motionless in a corner.

"This is wonderful, doc. I'll be sure to call on this favor at a later time. It's always great when people owe you favors! It only works with sentient beings with a certain degree of integrity."

As opposed to Izaya, the therapist thought.

"Whatever happened to 'pure altruism'?"

Izaya giggled dismissively.

"Oh doc, so naïve. In this world there's no such thing as altruism, pure or otherwise."

"I see,"

The therapist was not even remotely surprised.

"Doc, at times I really worry about you."

"You should worry about Kida-kun instead."

By now the therapist was genuinely concerned. He expected Izaya to be ever so breezy but he hopped over to Kida and knelt on the floor by his side.

"Kida-kun? Now, now. I know you're scared but there is a solution to your problem."

Kida stirred slightly but still did not face Izaya as he spoke.

"Your 'solution' ends with me getting raped while you laugh like the evil, evil man you are, Orihara-san."

The therapist gasped, this could not bode well for Kida. Surprisingly, Izaya ruffled Kida's hair and smiled with more kindness the therapist ever expected to see on him.

"I didn't tell you before because I was hoping you'd figure it out yourself but I think you need a helping hand. The key here, Masako does not exist. All you need to do is to make her 'go away'. Masako-chan can go study abroad and never come back,"

"That's it!"

Kida suddenly became animated, eyes shining as he sat cross legged.

"See? No need to stress so much."

"Studying abroad will never go, Mikado will try to locate her. I must kill Masako! Kill her dead! For good!"

"That's an option, yes but it will break Mikado's heart…"

"Tough luck!"

Izaya's smile overflowed.

"That's my favorite minion! Good Masa-chan."

Kida grabbed Izaya's hands and shook them, tears brimming his eyes.

"Thank you, Orihara-sama!"

"I'm always here to help. Except when I'm not. But still. This is what we'll do, you need to rest. Let's get an extra futon here for you, change you into a comfy kimono and get you to sleep. Neh?"

Kida nodded, gratefully. It was Stockholm's syndrome to a t, the therapist had never seen such a perfect example. True to his word, Izaya arranged a futon for Kida and even helped him change into the comfortable kimono after feeding him chocolate icecream. In no time Kida was blissfully asleep.

"I'm glad you're treating Kida-kun better."

"Nonsense, doc. I know how to handle Kida, too much affection and he'll collapse into a bundle of nerves. Such a guilt complex, doc."

"Maybe he could do with some therapy himself,"

"No can do, doc. Cure Kida-kun of his issues and he won't be of any use to me."

"I see,"

"Besides, some inner conflict works to my advantage. Normally Kida-kun is all 'Izaya, that bastard!' but now he'll go 'But he helped me out…'. It's an approach that doesn't work on everyone, would never work on, say, Aoba-kun, but with someone like Kida-slave it's perfect."

Chills ran down the therapist's spine at the level of manipulation.

"That is…"

"Like I was saying, about the correlation between attractiveness and low sperm count. Could it be true! And if so, how unfair to me."

"I don't think you need to worry, Orihara-san. Didn't Yagiri-san commend you on the quality of your sperm?"

Never would the therapist have thought possible to be discussing a patient's sperm count like this but that was Izaya was for you.


	90. Chapter 90

"This is true. Great mobility, too! And the right viscosity. Namie is in the know when it comes to all things science."

"I'm sure."

"It's kind of romantic, too! Namie on the microscope, looking at my little Izayas swimming about. That's before she exterminates them with some state of the art spermicide. That's actually a sexy mental image, come to think of it…"

And Izaya seemed lost entertaining said mental image. Just then there was a knock at the door and to the therapist dismay Shiki appeared.

"Shiki-san! Just the person I wanted to see. Let's move to another room, my personal slave needs to rest."

And so they did. The therapist half-expected Izaya to ask Shiki about the sorrows of being too hot for good sperm but Izaya had moved on to another topic that was equally odd and NSFW.

"Shiki-san, haven't you heard that if men took a pregnancy test it'd turn out positive?"

Shiki had never heard such thing. He was not terribly surprised, though, just enough to lift an eyebrow.

"Is that so?"

"It's like an urban legend of sorts. So I decided to try!"

And of course Izaya produced a pregnancy test.

"Seems like it's just a legend after all."

Izaya nodded in agreement.

"Indeed! Hey doc, want to try? I've got plenty of tests."

"I'll pass."

"Are you sure? It's a life changing event!"

"How…? And why would you carry pregnancy tests around…?"

"For fun! That and trying to understand how it feels to be a woman, it's important."

"Of course."

"I'll just hand you one, free of charge. Also! You might have wondered whatever happened to that delicious pink underwear Namie worse a while back. Oh, Shiki-san has yet to hear about it."

Izaya made sure to fill in Shiki who was extremely amused.

"Orihara-san, could it be you're wearing said underwear now…?"

The therapist had to ask.

"Eh, no. Doc, at times I feel you have the wrong idea about me. What I did was, I took the panties and turned them into a sex charm!"

Izaya produced a picture of this amazing charm on his phone.

"Why…?"

"It's a psychological boost. Sadly, charms and the like do not actually work but they make one feel better and that's already something."

Shiki suited the picture.

"It looks very much like the real thing."

"Thanks! I put my heart into it."

"There are already love charms but this one is rather unique."

And pink. And lacey. And made out of underwear.

"It's a one of a kind special item. I embroiled [愛] (love) myself."

"Is it popular for young man to take up sewing these days?"

"Hmm…I wouldn't call it popular but in most cases it's a bonus. Going like, "I embroiled your name in this purse to show my love', that kind of thing is a bit hit with most girls. Won't make any headway with Nami, though. She's the type that favors practical skills."

"Which fortunately you're not lacking in."

"That's right! Not everyone appreciates all that goes into the information business, not even Kida-kun who really ought to know better, but Namie understands how useful a person I am."

"Seems like the younger generation is not that trust worthy."

Izaya nodded in perfect assent. In reality, Shiki saw little to no difference in generational terms between Izaya and Kida but he knew that Izaya saw himself as very mature.

"That's so true! Oh, speaking of skills and age, doc is about to become a wizard!"

"A wizard…?"

"They say in Akiba that if you reach thirty and you're still a virgin then you become a wizard. And your birthday is right around the corner, right? Wizard super powers for the win!"

Izaya's smile sparkled all over. The therapist blushed and stammered awkwardly.

"Eh, Orihara-san, that is…"

"If it bothers you too much you can always get Shiki-san to hook you up with one of his girls!"

Shiki was glad that he could steer the conversation in the direction of the girls who worked at his clubs.

"The Shinjuku girls are all head over heels with Orihara-kun. It caused a lot of commotion when I told them you were already taken."

"Oh my. To think I'm that popular!"

"In their words, 'kya, Izacchi is too cute! I totally want to date him~'"

Izaya blinked at Shiki's deadpan quoting.

"'Izacchi', huh…that's so informal! Doc, do you suppose I can convince Namie to address me as 'Izacchi' from now on?"

"No. No, I don't."


	91. Chapter 91

Izaya put on his very deliberately thoughtful look.

"Hmm…you know, I'm not entirely sure I appreciate this defeatist attitude. Try being more like, 'I'll try my best to make it happen, Orihara-san!'. I'm sure you can do it. Even Kida-loser can be all bubbly and excited when he tries. So let's give it a go. Neh?"

There was no denying the undertone of menace to Izaya's sparkly smile.

"Er…okay…"

"I've told you before that it's a matter of perspective. Instead of being 'ah, I'm a hopeless virgin and am so going to die before I get laid' you can go 'so cool, I get to be a wizard soon!'"

"Orihara-san, will you stop with the wizard thing…"

"I see what you're thinking, what is the use of being a wizard in this day and age? But you never can tell! Why, imagine if suddenly you got stuck in, say, Log Horizon or .hack/. Your wizard skills would turn out to be a huge advantage! Then again, there might be a surplus of wizards in such a scenario…hmm…but still!"

"Right…"

"You thought I'd use SAO as an example, didn't you. Not I! I'm too l33t for that."

"Too what…?"

Against all odds it was Shiki who filled the therapist in.

"I believe it is a trendy way of saying 'elite'."

Izaya's eyes grew very big and round.

"Shiki-san, it's so amazing how you get really modern culture but are still so cultured like you're about to sip from chardonnay and afterwards have a Cuban cigar."

Shiki studied the amazing sex charm again.

"How about embroidering Yagiri-san's name?"

"That's a great idea! I still have extra fabric left, I'll get to it as soon as I'm back. And when it comes to embroidering names it's got to be in kanji. Anyone can do it in kana but in kanji takes skill and commitment! Why doc, if you had a name and for abstruse reason I needed to embroider it I would so use kanji!"

"I do have a name…my name is,"

"Now, now, revealing such a thing at this point would totally be breaking a major rule. It might even cause the world to explode!"

The therapist had not the faintest idea of what Izaya meant.

"Speaking of which, I don't suppose you'd be up to embroidering Akabayashi group's coat of arms in a banner?"

"No problem, Shiki-san! But not if you're in a hurry, Namie won't let me do any work for a while."

"That is no problem."

Shiki had come up with this banner on the spot, all to see Izaya with needle in hand laboriously embroidering. It was one of those images Shiki was willing to pay for.

"Then you've got yourself a deal. Oh and have you seen my Namie doll?"

"Cannot say I've had the pleasure yet."

Izaya flipped through the pictures in his phone and selected one with a very small long haired ragdoll attired in a tiny coat.

"Very cute."

"Isn't it? Doc, take a look. Just like the real thing but portable. I wanted to make it my keychain but Namie wouldn't like it."

"Do you make other dolls?"

"I made a Shizu-chan one into which I stick pins and needles."

The door slid open and in came Namie.

"You've been hard to find, Izaya. Hello, Shiki-san."

"Namie! So glad you've joined us. We changed rooms because of Kida-blonde."

This was just the development Shiki had been waiting for.

"Hello, Yagiri-san. We were just discussing Izaya's many skills a trendy urbanite. But I wonder how well he would fare in an outdoors environment."

"Probably shrivel and die from internet withdrawal."

"Hey! Sure, I am not the outdoorsy type at all but I wouldn't just die…besides, it's not as if I'd ever go into the great outdoors. I once went to Ueno park it was already so scary! All those trees!"

"Ueno park is not the big outdoors. I'm amazed you can manage to walk around here."

"It's because I have you to protect me from the crazy mob with pitchforks."

The conversation was derailing and Shiki would have none of it. He had something in mind.

"How about that television show in which they strand a group of people I some inhospitable environment and they form tribes? What was it called again?"

"Oh, you mean Survivor. It's a social game in which people form strategic alliances to vote off members of their tribe. There are blindsides, manipulation galore and plenty of bluffing and lying. In the end there is can only be one survivor!"


	92. Chapter 92

"And the prize is?"

"A million dollars."

"Let's enter you on this show."

Shiki could afford a smile since no one was looking his way. this was just as planned. Izaya's look of sheer mortification was priceless.

"Eh…Namie, why such a random decision?"

"You said it yourself that it's a social game with a lot of lying. It's tailor made for you."

"But it takes place in jungles and deserted islands! Wild places that are infested with Shizu-chans!"

"Heiwajima is not a species."

"We're not sure of that. Besides, you know I don't well in the outdoors!"

"Because of your Ueno park experiences?"

"No matter how you look at it, strange things always happen there."

"You won't have to worry about the horrors of Ueno park while on this show."

Izaya composed himself.

"Well, the show did have a Japanese version but it hasn't been running for a long time."

"What about it, just enter the American version. There wouldn't be a language barrier and you could play the 'nice Izaya' card as no one would know about you."

"But, but, 39 days without Namie!"

It was the therapist time to chime in.

"Actually, in some of the most recent editions each player has a loved one in the game so Yagiri-san could also take part."

"But they split the loved ones, I wouldn't get to see Namie for the most part!"

"Just take the blonde kind with you."

"Eh, Kida-kun…? Why?"

"You'd need a minion to work for you and undermine the rival tribe, right? It's not all that different from what you do already, actually."

"Except there's no running water! Or electricity, sushi, phones!"

"You get to eat fish straight of the ocean."

"No Shinra to do my nails!"

Izaya was what Shiki would call 'high maintenance'. And something of a princess, too.

"I'm sure you can do without your manicure for a while."

But Izaya did not hear Namie. He retreated into a corner, arms wrapped around his knees.

"And it's not as if I'm buff, all that starving would kill me! I don't have any spare weight to lose! I'll wither away and die in a matter of hours, the wild beasts and Shizu-chans will gnaw my bones."

Izaya's imagination ran away with him and already was he saw himself on some desolate shore, vultures wheeling above his starving self, biding their time to zero in on him.

"If it comes to that the blonde kid can always become an emergency food ration."

The therapist found out he could still be shocked by the crazy duo of doom.

"Yagiri-san, I'm sure you're kidding or at least I sincerely hope so, but did you just suggest cannibalism…?"

Meanwhile Izaya seemed to be considering this proposal.

"Roasted Kida-feast on the spit…but I could never! I mean, it'd be like eating junk food second hand considering Kida-meal pigs out on gross burgers whenever he can. I'd get food poisoning."

"Wait, that's the problem?! How can you say something so awful, Orihara-san. It's too awful even for you!"

Izaya's eyes narrowed. Never a good sign.

"Now doc, you're being too judgmental. Why, if you were to find yourself in a tiny boat cast adrift in the Pacific with only Kida-ribs, my bet is you wouldn't be acting so high and mighty. Not to mention it'd be a matter of self-preservation. If you don't sink your teeth into some Kida-meat, rest assured he'd sink his teeth into you."

Nami decided to chime in.

"Blonde kid is still young so he should provide some nutrition, too"

The therapist was beyond words for a few moments and simply gaped. By the time he regained his voice he was too outraged to remember that he was dealing with two very dangerous people, three if he counted Shiki.

"Yagiri-san, that's a horrible thing to say! What if someone were to eat your brother, he's the same age as Kida-kun!"

Izaya whistled and prudently returned to the corner.

"You're on your own, doc."

Meanwhile Namie had zeroed him on the therapist. If Shiki were to type to eat popcorn when watching a fun movie he would digging into it right about now.

"You. Did you suggest that someone might at some point cannibalize Seiji?"´

The aura of menace was almost visible. By now the therapist regretted ever speaking.

"I was just saying that this eating people thing is too crazy,"

"I see."


	93. Chapter 93

Namie produced a notebook and wrote something.

"Eh, Yagiri-san…"

"Don't worry, I'll deal with you at a later time. I have things to do. See you soon, Shiki-san."

And just like this Namie excused herself and was gone. Izaya waited a while before creeping out of the corner.

"Doc, how about I arrange your funeral? I can get you a nice one."

"Funeral…?!"

"It's a bit sad, I'll have to find another therapist…I don't suppose you can refer me to someone?"

"Are you saying I'm as good as dead?!"

"Doc, you're on Namie's Death Note. You're lucky if she kills you painfully. I heard heart attack is the way to go. Don't worry, I shall forever miss you and will never forget you!"

Shiki chimed in.

"I know some people in the funeral industry who can arrange a high end coffin and slab for a very attractive price."

"That's Shiki-san for you, knowing people in all sorts of places. Doc, this time we spent together was fleeting and went on so fast but it will always hold a special place in my heart."

The therapist was not exactly pleased at this prospect.

"Don't plan my funeral,"

"I know! Let's celebrate tonight while you still can."

* * *

><p>Kida did not know what to make of it. There was a feast spread before his eyes, apparently part of a farewell party that Izaya was throwing. It sounded too suspicious so Kida had spent a while simply staring at all the delicious food. But at least Namie was nowhere to be seen and that was always a good thing in Kida's book.<p>

"Kida-thin, eat up! It's on me."

"Orihara-san, you won't present me with a crazy bill at the end, right?"

"No such thing. You can trust me!"

On this score Kida had his doubts but he decided that he might as well enjoy the free meal. Meanwhile, the therapist looked like death.

"Hey, what's wrong with the doc?"

"Ah, 'tis quite sad. But we must carry on! It's what doc would have wanted!"

Kida knew better than to press the question. But Izaya's recent niceness had an effect in making Kida get into a confessional mood despite himself.

"I had the strangest nightmare…someone was out to eat me."

Izaya gasped very dramatically. Shiki, who had also been invited to this dinner extravaganza, smirked.

"Oh my! How absolutely horrifying!"

"Yeah, it was just weird."

Izaya got all serious and put down the miso soup bowl.

"Kida-kun, you need not worry. I'll protect you against crazy cannibals."

"Eh, thanks…?"

"Don't mention it. Oh, I must take this call."

Izaya bounced away, phone in hand. By now Kida was quite worried about the poor therapist who hadn't taken a bite. Kida began to wonder if there was some darker meaning behind Namie's absence and whether there was a connection to the therapist's gloom. Kida was about to voice it when Izaya bounced back.

"Doc! I got good news for you. Your bank manager called, all your savings are gone! Yay!"

Izaya announced this with a bright smile. All the therapist could do was gape in absolute dismay as Izaya took his seat, resumed his chopsticks, and prepared to attack some oysters.

"How- why- what?!"

"My guess would be it's Namie's work. You can kiss your money goodbye, that's for sure! Oyster?"

The therapist felt the floor giving away under him.

"My savings are gone?!"

"That's what I've been saying."

"How is that a good thing?!"

"Think about it, doc. We all thought Namie would have you dumped into Tokyo Bay but turns out she only dipped into your bank account. You should consider yourself lucky! Life is your greatest asset, money comes and goes. And in this case, it went! Oh, this sauce is really tasty."

The therapist did not exactly calm down but he now managed to process thought, to some extent.

"Why is my bank managed calling Orihara-san anyway…?!"

"Doc, you know I never reveal my sources or methods. And cheer up! I pay you handsomely, you'll have some savings back in no time. Kida-slim, want that shrimp fry? No? Then don't mind if I do!"

Shiki availed himself of some savory noodles and wondered what next insanity Izaya had in store. With that in mind, he decided to change the subject.

"I saw one of those, what are they called? Those Akihabara people that don't seem to like the sunlight much."

"Otakus?"

"Yes, one of those. He was carrying this very big pillow with a picture of Kanra-chan."


	94. Chapter 94

"Kan-Kan is popular like that, she's now a dakimakura Idol!"

"I asked him about this…dakimakura, you call it?"

"The oversized pillow! And to think Shiki-san would speak to an otaku, why wasn't I there to see this! What did he say!"

Izaya's enthusiasm was great. Kida availed himself of some black tofu.

"He mumbled something that I couldn't quite understand."

"Ah, they're a defensive bunch. But where did this take place, inquiring minds ask!"

"On the subway train."

"I didn't know Shiki-san was the kind to take the subway. Did something happen to the super long limousine?"

"Traffic can be hectic."

"True. But tell more!"

"I mentioned the picture reminded me of someone I knew. His reaction was very strange. He flat out told me not to act so familiar about Kanra-chan, that he'd protect her virtue."

"Very typical but I almost admire this fellow. Talking down to Shiki-san like that."

"I hadn't heard the expression 'protect someone's virtue' in the longest of times. It was almost endearing."

"Shiki-san, don't let your better nature deceive you. These fellows are even creepier than they look! There's this pimply one who sends the agency a letter every single day and it's always about Kanra-chan's purity and whatnot. He is the number one fan, the kind that would make Annie come across as a well-balanced nurse. Seems he fell in love with Kanra-chan on her debut at Akihabara and became so obsessed he went to the extent of sending death threats to the other girls there!"

And when Izaya said that someone was obsessing over a person, Izaya meant it.

"Did he send such a letter to Yagiri-san as well?"

"I intercepted it at the agency but he sent one to Kida-victim. Didn't he, Kida-pawn?"

Kida nodded, the black tofu was scrumptious but an acquired taste.

"Yes, I remember that. It was scary stuff, guy wanted to gut me for Kanra-chan's sake."

Izaya shivered.

"Horrendous behavior."

"Was he by any chance a rather overweight individual with sweaty palms, a slight lisp and heavy frame glasses?"

Izaya gasped.

"Oh my, Shiki-san made contact with Stalker-kun!"

"I've been thinking about it for a while. These…otakus, I believe? I keep seeing him carrying a lot of anime merchandise that is probably highly expensive. Opening up a special credit line for them seems like a wise option."

"What an amazing businessman, seeing a source of profit where most people only see a nuisance."

And Izaya was indeed very impressed. Kida moved on to a purple looking cabbage roll that turned out to be delicious. So far the therapist had yet to even take a bite out of his portion of the feast and while Kida felt sorry for him, he was hoping to get it for himself. Despite being an urban slicker although as thoroughly as Izaya, Kida retained some instincts from a time when humanity was in the hunting gathering stage and forced to stock up on food whenever it was available. Or it could very well be that in his case the 'urban jungle' metaphor had become all too literal.

"It is a matter of supply and demand."

"So it is, Shiki-san! And on the subject of body pillows, I do of course so want a delicious Namie-kura! However, there is plenty of risk! I can of course keep it in one of my secret closets but what if Namie were to appear as I roll around with the pillow? It'd result in Angry!Namie and that never bodes well for me. So the question is, is it worth it? What do you think, doc?"

The therapist blinked and tried to shake off his depressing reveries.

"What…?"

"Doc, you're not being very useful at the moment. There is no need to despair until you see giant!Rei on the horizon."

"What do you do if that were to happen…?"

The therapist was actually curious.

"Why, I'd counter with giant!Namie. There is no doubt in my mind that giant!Namie would smash all the Reis in the world in no time."

"How would that be any better?"

"My point is, you are here to help me improve on my relationship with Namie. If it turns out you are unable or unwilling to do so I will regretfully have to dismiss you. Needless to say it would break my heart."


	95. Chapter 95

Kida smirked and went for some noodles and then an egg roll, having decided to turn the meal into an eating game of sorts: egg roll each time Izaya's heart was broken, a bit of white fish each time Izaya went on about his undying love, some noodles for each threat. Kida was not exactly how Izaya had managed to assemble such a wide array of food, from Japanese delicacies to hamburgers but he had no complaints.

Against all odds it was Shiki who came to the therapist's rescue.

"I'm sure the good doctor is still shaken. Losing one's savings like that can be quite a blow."

"I suppose I do not entirely understand the working class."

Kida selected some crispy chicken for 'huge understatement'.

"The good doctor will recover if you give him some time."

"But meanwhile I'm still unsure about the Namie-kura…"

Trust Izaya to keep his priorities straight, his personal drama tended to take precedence even when minimal and in comparison to others' actual problems. In fact, Izaya's broken nail was a greater tragedy than genocide, famine and war combine.

Shiki considered what advice to give. He would love to see Izaya caught red handed rolling around with his precious oversized pillow but then again it could lead to serious damage on Izaya which would deprive Shiki of his enjoyment. Not to mention Izaya might recall it was Shiki who had pointed him in a direction that led to disaster.

"Considering how much you love Yagiri-san, I hardly think you need one of those pillows."

"It is true that my love is great and nonpareil!"

Kida chowed down on the white fish.

"It is quite a unique relationship."

"Doc, I just had an idea. You know how you saving to buy a house? How about I buy you one! Just like that, no need to wait a few generations to pay for a rundown apartment."

The therapist was more than suspicious.

"And why would you do that, Orihara-san?"

"Because I am magnanimous. Think of it as an incentive! If I end up tying the knot with Namie then I'll buy you a penthouse!"

"Really?"

The therapist was still not even remotely convinced. Izaya nodded enthusiastically.

"That's right! By the way, if this wonderful marriage ends up in divorce then the penthouse goes bye bye too. That way I know you'll remain committed to helping my very unique relationship progress!"

Kida gave up on his eating game, at this rate he would end up getting sick. Shiki had to intervene again to keep the poor therapist from simply collapsing.

"I am sure the good doctor will be so much able to rise up to the occasion after a good night's sleep."

Izaya's phone interrupted the conversation.

"Please excuse me, Shiki-san. Oh hi there, Belly one! Ah, I know…haven't been going to the classes, overwork caught up with me. I can't say when I'll be back. I'll totally let you know, though! Sure. My lovely wife has been helping me out, she's the light of my life, tm. As in 'trademark'. Bye bee~"

Shiki was beyond curious now.

"May I ask who you were just talking with?"

"Sure thing, Shiki-san. I joined these Lamaze classes a while back- you know, with the pregnancy exercises, breathing methods, relaxing and all that. I'm basically the only man there who's on his own and often I'm the only male in the room, period. It gets a bit lonely but they got me this fake belly so I can get in the mood. Great fun all around."

Kida choked on a piece of steak. Shiki lifted an eyebrow. The therapist did not stir.

"I suppose this is something modern couples enjoy. And this 'Belly One' person was?"

"One of the ladies there. I never bothering learning their names so I just named them 'Belly' and added numbers. It's very convenient. Besides, I only recognize the bellies, I have only a vague idea of what they look like."

"So you wouldn't recognize them after they give birth?"

Izaya nodded.

"That's right. Izaya-nii is every kid's super big brother, that even includes the unborn. All the children in the world love Izaya-nii! Kida-teen, had we met a couple of years earlier you too could have enjoyed the wonders of Izaya-nii, older sibling extraordinaire."


	96. Chapter 96

Kida nodded out of reflex more than anything else. If he were to indulge in hypothetical scenarios he would rather never have crossed paths with Izaya at all, this 'Izaya-nii' stuff sounded extremely suspicious as it was. Not to mention, judging by how insane the Orihara sisters were Kida was pretty sure that having Izaya was an older brother was not exactly good. As far as Kida knew Izaya ranked up there with the likes of Seimei. Minus the catears.

"How remarkable. I am sure your sisters greatly appreciate Izaya-nii."

Izaya sighed heavily.

"Ah, Shiki-san, you know how it goes…a prophet is never understood in his own land. I too am not as greatly admired by my sisters as I ought to be. Which is absolutely unfair. Izaya-nii is amazing and not just one of those cool but aloof older brothers either. Izaya-nii helps with homework, makes delicious food and solves bullying problems."

"Does Izaya-nii make the bullies see the errors of his ways?"

Izaya's smile was so chilling that Kida actually shivered.

"Izaya-nii is very thorough in dealing with bullies. In the end they always repent greatly and swear never to harm anyone again but by then it is too late. But they end up being true to their word, too, in that they are never heard of. Izaya-nii is justice."

"Quite right."

Izaya yawned and rubbed his eyes, going from terrifyingly psychotic to absolutely adorable in a heartbeat.

"I should be going to bed, still so tired…but Namie's tight curfew is probably a good idea, I do need some rest. It's a shame, though…going to bed, all alone…so lonely."

"If that is the case then allow me."

Shiki snapped his finger and immediately two of his men appeared on the threshold holding a body pillow between them. Izaya gasped.

"Could it…a Kan-chan dakimakura!"

And indeed it was.

"I took the liberty of acquiring one. Feel free to take it."

Izaya's eyes sparkled as he forgot himself and took everyone by surprise by taking Shiki's hands and nearly landing on his lap. Kida half-expected Namie to choose this particular moment to appear and misunderstand what was going on.

"Shiki-san, at times I feel as if only you understand me! Kida is too Kida, the doc is devolving into bathtub!Asuka, but Shiki-san always knows what to say and listens to me."

Shiki was speechless for a whole half a minute. Having Izaya on adoring mode like this and very close was extremely hot. It might be a good thing that there other people in the room lest Shiki find himself overstepping some bounds. Shiki patted Izaya's head as one would a kitty.

"I take that you enjoy the pillow?"

"So delicious! There's maid!Kan-chan, her original look and pink pajamas!Kan-chan which so cute~!"

Kida mumbled something under his breath about selfcest, it made perfect sense. Much to Shiki's disappointment Izaya let go of his hands and was exploring the giant pillow.

"I'm glad."

"I shall never forget this, Shiki-san! You can send me the bill later."

"Consider it a gift."

Izaya's eyes sparkled prettily.

"Thank you very much! Ah, such a shame I must retire for the night…Shiki-san, see you in the morning. Doc, cheer up! Kida-fat, eating time is over now unless you want to turn into a pig~"

Izaya smiled widely, waved all around, bowed to Shiki, hugged the giant pillow and hopped away. Shiki had had to shake down Kanra-chan's biggest fan in order to find the where to find the dakimakura but it had absolutely been worth it. Happy Izaya was adorable and Shiki looked forward to see more of it. Which did not mean he had given up on more heartbroken Izaya, it was something for the S in everyone.

* * *

><p>"Keep formation, men! And Kida-bumpkin, I'll need you act as an interpreter if we meet any natives."<p>

'Men' meant Kida in front of Izaya and the therapist bringing up the rear. They were making their way along the road toward the nearby village, Izaya having decided that an exploration was in order.

"Interpreter…? We're in Japan."

"Correction, we're in countryside!Japan. I am unsure I understand the language but you're originally a small town kid, you can help me interact with the natives."

"Right… 'natives'…."

Izaya looked around, very curious.

"Oh my, this actually looks familiar…it's…it's…it's Hinamizawa!"


	97. Chapter 97

And with this shocking revelation Izaya froze so suddenly that the therapist nearly ran into him. It was up to Kida to solve this.

"Orihara-san, Hinamizawa isn't real a place."

"Just look around, Kida-blind! Rice fields, rice fields, rice fields, mountains in the distance and I could swear I see a watermill. That's Hinamizawa for you!"

"Most small towns have such things…"

"All small towns are Hinamizawa. We must flee before someone goes all cleaver on us!"

And Izaya seemed ready to dash away.

"Hinamizaya is a fictional village."

"So you say. But think about it, we know that headless riders are real while for the longest of time they were the stuff of legends. Who is to say that Higurashi is not real yet! Kida-serf, was your family pro or against the dam?"

"Like I said, Hinamizaya isn't real…"

"Keep saying that and see how long you last until you're clawing at your throat!"

Before Kida could make another probably useless effort to talk some sense into Izaya, some movement in the nearby foliage frightened Izaya into immediately grabbing a hold of Kida and hiding him even as he pushed him toward the unknown danger.

"Kida-shield, activate!"

It turned out to be nothing of a cat so Izaya sighed in relief and let go of Kida.

"Er, I'm a shield now…?!"

"A not very useful one at that. Oh, look! Watermelon!"

His fears assuaged at least for the moment and despite Kida's ineffectiveness as a shield, Izay spotted a stand loaded with sundry vegetables and fruit.

"I'll be the one carrying it, won't I."

"It goes without saying, Kida-carrier. But where's the vendor? And this can't be priced right, it's missing at least two zeros."

"It's a non-manned stall. And things are cheaper in the countryside."

Izaya blinked a few times.

"Are you saying there's no one watching this stall?"

"That's right. You leave the money here in this box."

Izaya stared at the box then looked left, right, and for some reason up.

"How does that work? Who's to stop someone from just doing away with the goods without paying? There's no one around!"

"People trust that you'll pay…oh god, did I just break your mind, Orihara-san!"

Izaya looked so shocked that it was comical. He gasped and then suddenly narrowed his eyes into slits.

"Kida-kun, you aren't pulling my leg here, are you? Taking advantage of my ignorance of the countryside's ways."

"Eh…I'm not!"

"Even if one actually pays this is daylight robbery here. Why is it so cheap?"

At this point Kida suddenly remembered something he had learnt at school, against all odds.

"Less intermediaries, no middleman since it's straight from the ground."

"Hmm…true, Kida-Marx."

"Just how many crazy honorifics can you come up with…!"

"But I must say this 'Trust Random People' policy is extremely dangerous. It would never work in Tokyo."

"Tell me about it."

"Oh well, we've seen all there was to see. We should start heading back before it gets dark and the Shiki arrive."

"Now it's the Shiki…as in, the vampires who took over a small town?"

"Those. I'll be taking two watermelons. And as I'm a good person I'll be paying their proper price! And speaking of the Shiki, I think they got to poor doc already."

And indeed the therapist looked rather wan and weak. Prolonged exposure to Izanamie was known to have that effect.

"Can't really blame the guy."

Izaya approached the therapist.

"Doc, I know how you feel. I too lost money once."

"You did…?"

The therapist was not exactly convinced but as always there was more to come.

"Indeed. I was buying a juice from a vending machine when Shizu-chan started rampaging in a nearby street and as a result I dropped my 500 yen coin. I never managed to recover it again."

The therapist surprised himself by bursting out laughing.

"Ah, Orihara-san. No one would ever compare 500 yen to a person's life savings but I guess to you it's about the same amount."

"Pretty much. Also, I'm your ultimate money cow! Keep working for me and money shall come to you! Such is the Orihara way."


	98. Chapter 98

"It's here, it's finally here! The one event that makes the countryside at all worth having, summer festival!"

In his excitement Izaya did a happy dance that was less lavish than usual as his yukata and geta sandals restricted his mobility. He had opted for black with a red outline spread liberally throughout.

Kida and the therapist followed a few steps behind as Izaya made his way through the crowd and stopped on occasion to sample some food from the many vending booths. The mood was joyous, strings of lanterns overhead cast a mellow light on the lively scenery of so many people enjoying the evening. Izaya matched his skipping step to a tune blaring from hidden speakers.

"Apple candy! Woah, it actually exists!"

Izaya's fascination bordered on silly as he held the portentous sweet from a long stick and inspected it with very wide eyes.

"Is it really that surprising?"

"Of course! Aw, summer festivals are the best! Which is why I decided that I'll pop the great question tonight."

Izaya produced a small jewelry case.

"That's a bad idea."

"But doc, it doesn't get more romantic than a summer festival. Love declarations are a hundred times more times more powerful if there's a summer festival involved!"

"Ah…"

"But I know what you mean, summer festivals can also be scary. You never know when a pink haired girl with horns will not suddenly start slash people into bloody ribbons."

The therapist turned to Kida for an explanation.

"It's an Elfen Lied reference."

"There's still an hour to go until I meet up with Namie so let's summer festival!"

This meant scooping an absurd amount of goldfish, shooting a few plushies with a toygun and skipping along merrily enough. Yet as the fatidic hour grew nearer Izaya began to show signs of nervous strain.

"Right, I should be going now. Wish me luck!"

The therapist and Kida waited until Izaya had pulled ahead some, exchanged a glance and without even having to speak set out to follow him. Normally tracking Izaya was pretty much impossible. Even in a crowd Izaya had very sharp senses and was always out the lookout but presently he was too distracted to pay much attention.

The rendezvous spot was on a secluded spot by the entrance of a small temple. Namie was already there. Kida dragged the therapist into the only hiding place available which just happened to be behind a largish temple statue. Kida had a lot of experience in hiding from prying eyes and it turned out handy now.

"Namie! So great to see you!"

"You said you had something important to discuss?"

Izaya hesitated.

"Well, you see, I most definitely have something of the utmost importance to tell you."

"And? Are you going to get to it anytime soon?"

Izaya swayed a bit. Kida and the therapist could only see his back but still the tension was palpable. For a while it seemed that Izaya would remain silent then he gathered his bearing, straightened his back and said,

"Namie, will you,"

A ringtone interrupted him. Namie picked it up.

"Seiji? Has something happened? I see. I'm on my way. Sorry, something came up. We can talk later."

"Right…sure, see you later Namie…"

Already Namie was walking away and passing so close to Kida and the therapist that they held their breath. Izaya sighed deeply as soon as she was gone. His shoulders dropped and he lowered his head. Away from the milling crowd, the festival's sounds were a were rumor here so that when Izaya sobbed it seemed absurdly loud.

By now both Kida and the therapist had witnessed so many of Izaya's heartbreaks that they could not take them seriously. It had become a recurring joke of epic proportions. And still, somehow, they both found themselves feeling sorry for Izaya sat on a bench wiping tears with his kimono sleeves.

They could now see him very well, teary red eyes and all but Izaya could not see them and believed himself to be alone. He hugged his knees and sighed deeply.

"Ah, I botched that completely…and to think I even had the perfect lines all ready and all. Iza-chan is sad now."


	99. Chapter 99

Even now, very much defeated and depressed, there was a tone of faint mockery to Izaya's sadness. Kida wanted to burst on the scene and ask Izaya just who was having a Shinji moment now but he knew he could never do it. And not because he was afraid of Izaya either, for once Kida was genuinely sympathizing with Izaya. More to remind himself than anything else, Kida now whispered into the therapist's ear.

"He's still pure evil…!"

Izaya was turning the jewelry between his fingers very thoughtfully when a shrill cry snapped him out of it. A little girl had strayed from the festival and was crying loudly over a couple of goldfish flopping breathlessly on the path. Izaya was on the spot immediately.

"Have no fear, Izaya-nii saves the day!"

Even as he spoke Izaya produced a bottle of water he had been carrying, in one switch movement cut off the higher half and dropped the fish into the water. The little girl stopped crying, eyes very wide.

"My fishies!"

Izaya patted her head.

"There, there. They'll be fine, see? Did you get lost?"

"Yeah…Izaya-nii, piggyback ride!"

"You're on! Onwards, let's go find your parents."

In no time she was perched on Izaya's back.

"Whee!"

"Hold on tight, Izaya-nii is superfast!"

Izaya skipped away to the sound of frantic childish giggling. Kida watched him go.

"Eh…he's evil. Real evil. I'm so not feeling sorry for him!"

"Izaya-nii really is amazing…!"

"We need to keep an eye on him or he'll end up burning down the village."

Following Izaya this time around was more difficult. After reuniting the little girl with her parents they decided it was a great idea to let Izaya play with her some more. Izaya kept to the thick of the festival as he went from stall to stall with his brand new friend so Kida and the therapist had to duck and hide all the time. To make matters worse earlier on Izaya had dumped all of the goods he had won on them. Fortunately Kida had very quick reflexes when it came to tailing. At one point he even grabbed two masks from a nearby stand, one for him and another for the therapist, just as Izaya passed way too close for comfort.

"Does look like he'll turn to arson,"

Kida glared at the therapist as if mortally offended.

"That's what he wants you think. It's all a plot! It's always a plot!"

"Oh, he's moving."

Izaya returned the girl to the parents, waved most enthusiastically then slowly made his way away from the festival and toward a steep path that climbed to a perch overhanging a sheer cliff. His pursuers left their baggage at a leafy nook before staring the climb.

The sound of waves became louder as Izaya made his way upwards. Kida was the first to take alarm but it was the therapist who spoke first.

"You don't suppose Orihara-san is going to jump…?"

"Don't be absurd. He's too evil for that."

Izaya reached the summit and leaned against a low wooden railing. Kida was huddled behind a boulder and now peered over its edge. A full moon allowed him to see Izaya perfectly, dark kimono ruffling in the breeze, eyes lost scanning the unseen horizon. Kida was already a bit apprehensive so when Izaya removed his shoes and lined them neatly Kida found himself jumping over the boulder.

"Izaya! It's not worth it!"

In his distress Kida not only forgot all about honorifics as he defaulted to Izaya's given name. Unfortunately for Kida he had forgotten to remove the mask. Seeing a strange creature apparently about to ambush him, Izaya reacted by hitting it squarely in the head with one of his geta shoes.

"Wow, youkai really live around these parts!"

Izaya seemed more curious than scared and prepared to throw the other shoe while poor Kida rolled around on the ground. At this point the therapist decided to intervene and took out his mask..

"Orihara-san, that's not a youkai! It's Kida-kun, Kida-kun!"

Izaya blinked.

"Oh. Now that's just boring, I was hoping for at least a goblin. Why must you disappoint me so much, Kida-not-youkai?"

Kida sobbed as he ripped off the mask and staggered to his feet.

"That's it! And to think I was sorry for you for a sec! Go and jump already, you, you, you Kyubey you!"

Kida was still so revolted that he could only blink in surprise as Izaya produced a band-aid and applied to the minor but annoying cut.


	100. Chapter 100

"There, there. You angst anymore you may just explode one of these days. It doesn't look too bad."

"I thought you were going to jump."

"Why?"

"It's what it looked like!"

"Oh my, could it be that you actually care? Kida-sap, I didn't know you had it in you!"

"Just forget it. What were you doing here, anyway? Removing your shoes like that at the edge of a cliff!"

"Getas are murder on the feet. I heard this was a great place to see the fireworks."

As if on cue the sky exploded in a flurry of lights that bloomed before fading in waves of receding radiance.

"Don't go scaring people like that, Iza-baka."

Kida muttered and the fireworks drowned out his voice anyway so he could afford some honesty. Izaya busied himself skipping around. As soon as the noise dimmed he addressed the therapist.

"Fireworks for the win! Hey doc, here. That's worth more than your life savings."

Izaya tossed him the jewelry case. Unfortunately the therapist was not expecting it and missed it altogether. The case was illuminated by the dying fireworks as it fell into the ocean.

"Oh well! It wasn't that expensive either, next time I'll go for something a million times more impressive."

"So you haven't given up on the marriage project?"

"Of course not! Silly doc, Iza-chan never gives!"

Izaya skipped around some more.

* * *

><p>"Why…?"<p>

The therapist was even more confused than ever. Izaya had burst on him like a hurricane and somehow forced him into dressing up as a priest while he himself put on a nun outside. As if that was not strange enough Izaya then dragged him all the way to the train station and here they were now on a train going the therapist did not even know where.

"Camouflage doc, camouflage."

"Why a priest? And a nun…?"

"Namie will never suspect that a priest and a nun are actually you and I!"

"Ah…"

"Also, Catholic priests are supposed to all into celibacy so it's right up your alley as the eternal cherry boy!"

"Orihara-san,"

"I really wanted to bring Kida-kun along. He's great at following people and would be such an asset on this mission but it wouldn't work. Little boys traveling with priests, we'd be lucky if you didn't end up in jail. It's just a bad combo all around."

"We're on a mission?"

It was the first time the therapist heard about it.

"We are. Namely, we are following Namie to know exactly where she is going."

"And you couldn't just ask?"

"Well, I could. But it wouldn't quite be the same, now would it?"

"You got me there."

"Don't worry, I brought a bible. It's unlikely but we may be approached by believers."

Izaya produced the book as if to make a point.

"Now that's being thorough."

"Of course. Wait, this is in Chinese…ah, this happens every now and then. You know how you get all hyped about this doujin you really want because the art is so pretty that you end up ordering without even checking the language. Turns out it's in Chinese…so you have no other choice but to learn Chinese yourself!"

"I'm not sure if you're a genius or insane."

"They're not mutually exclusive!"

"Anyway, where are we going?"

"I'm not sure. I got tickets for the final destination which is Tokyo. Hopefully we're going back to civilization!"

"Orihara-san, you just wanted to go back to Tokyo, didn't you."

And if some stalking could be thrown in then all the better.

"Tokyo! Where the watermelons are extremely expensive, where people run you over on the curb if you trip and where trash cans were removed because of the Sarin gas attack ages ago!"

"Those are all bad things!"

"All part of the Tokyo experience.

Izaya hummed under his breath and swung his legs most happily. The therapist was glad that at least Izaya had bothering getting an actual nun outfit as opposed to sexy nun costplay. It was a demure black attire complete with headdress and a cross around Izaya's neck.

"Tokyo experience, huh…"

"By the way, my nun name is Isabel Lucia Esmeralda. Make sure you remember it."

"Isabel Lucia…?"

"Isabel Lucia Esmeralda. Known in her church as Isa-Lu!"


	101. Chapter 101

"You've really thought this through."

Izaya nodded.

"Isabel Lucia Esmeralda will pray your soul into heaven for a token fee."

"I don't think that's how it works,"

"Nonsense, indulgences are the way to go! And while we're at let's bring back the Inquisition and torture Shizu-chan, he's an heretic. Iron maiden Shizu-chan~"

The therapist did not care one bit for the glimmer in Izaya's eyes.

* * *

><p>Izaya was delighted to see Namie exit the train once it reached Tokyo. The therapist found himself being dragged by Izaya through the very busy city streets. Kida was good at tailing but Izaya was a genius at it. Izaya managed to blend in, take sudden cover in corners, dash across thronged crosswalks and still manage to bump into the many people all around. It was all the therapist could do to keep up with him.<p>

Izaya was peering around a corner when someone hailed him.

"Aren't you that Izaya guy?"

Standing in front of Izaya was none other than Yagiri Seiji. The therapist wished he could tiptoe away but he was too surprised to do anything. Izaya put on his best Isabel Lucia holy smile.

"Young man, I assure you that you're mistaken. May God be with you."

Seiji looked him up and down.

"Is it some kind of weird costplay?"

Izaya flailed a bit then suddenly had one of his brilliant ideas.

"I am Sister Isabel Lucia Esmeralda and I'm here to tell you about Jesus. Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Another religious nut' but let me tell you that there is something that only the Catholic Church can give you."

"Oh. Pyramid scheme. Not interested."

Seiji made as if to leave and the therapist let out a sigh of relief but Izaya was not quite done.

"Indissoluble marriage."

Seiji's ears perked up.

"As in, marriage that lasts forever?"

"That's right. Unlike civil marriages, a Catholic marriage can never be terminated. But only for those whose love is eternal and unwavering. I gather you're interested?"

It was very obvious that Seiji was hanging by Izaya's every word. At this point the therapist could not even guess what Izaya was angling for here.

"Tell me more, Sister Isabel Lucia."

The therapist face palmed.

"Hmm…I'm not too sure I should."

"You mean I have convert or something?"

"Oh, yeah. That too but more importantly, you have a wonderful older sister, don't you?"

Seiji blinked.

"How do you know that?"

"God told me, God. I have a special hotline straight to heaven. So I know many things about you, Seiji-kun."

Having already recognized Izaya and now with the name dropping the therapist fully expected Seiji to see through the act right away. As it so happened the therapist was very wrong.

"Woah, that's pretty impressive all things considered. How do I get this eternal marriage deal done?"

"Hmm…I'm not too sure I want to tell you. Unless you're willing to prove you're worthy of Full Proof Matrimony TM."

"What do I got to do?"

Having completed reeled Seiji in Izaya now folded his arms and put on one of his most arrogant expressions.

"Very well, Seiji-kun. I shall tell you. In order to gain access to the wonders of a marriage that lasts forever you must tell your sister that she should get married herself."

"To whom, though?"

Izaya's eyebrow twitched, he smoothed it over with one of his placid smiles that were truly frightening.

"To Orihara Izaya, her most extremely handsome genius of a boyfriend."

"She could do better…"

The smile grew brilliant and eclipsed Izaya's eyes.

"This is God's will, God's will. Do you want to go against God's will, Seiji-kun? Feel like turning into a pillar of salt? Or fulminated where you stand?"

"Okay, I got it already. I'll talk to her."

"Good. Also, God told me to tell you to keep this secret. So no telling her about that we ever even met. Neh?"

"Ah…okay, I'll get to it."

"Wonderful! May God's love be with you."

Izaya handed him a business card because apparently nuns carried such things and waved Seiji away.

"Orihara-san, that was crazy even by your stand-"

"Thank you, Jesus! For giving me this opportunity!"

Izaya had just dropped to his knees and adopted a prayer posture, complete with eyes fixed heavenward and hands united. He made sure to place an handkerchief on the pavement before this stunt lest the nun habit became dirty.


	102. Chapter 102

"Don't tell me you just converted…?"

Izaya jumped back to his feet.

"Don't be silly, doc. I shall become a god myself. This is more like when you are thankful to a senpai from years ago for leaving a training menu in your club room that ends up being crucial to beating your rival. Except the senpai doesn't actually exist. Neither does the club or even the school for that matter. You're actually in a coma hallucinating the whole thing."

No one could argue with such an analogy so the therapist did not even try.

* * *

><p>Kida was having a wonderful Izaya-free day. Izaya had left with the therapist for some unknown destination to spread mischief more likely than not. As a result Kida could take a breath and enjoy the countryside.<p>

Kida took the unwonted freedom to talk a walk through a past bordered by fields. He was still annoyed at himself for having felt sorry for Izaya even if only momentarily but the warm weather and soothing scenery were soothing his frayed nerves.

Kida found himself surprised at how enjoyable it was to be close to nature. He had never been much of a fond of the countryside before but now found himself realizing how much he had missed it. Kida was contemplating such things and watching a tractor merrily chugging its way across a field when an all too familiar voice reached him.

"…..iiiiiiddaaa!"

The first thing that crossed Kida's mind was that Izaya was costplaying as Dark!Index since the nun outfit was black instead of white. He was not all that surprised that Izaya was dressed up as a nun but he did wonder why he was screaming his name at the top of his lungs and what was up with the crazy running.

For all of Izaya's blasé attitude he was very fast on his legs. Years of dodging and escaping from Shizuo had only made him faster. Before Kida knew it Izaya was upon him, switchblade flickering open. At this point Kida began to panic.

"Orihara-san?! Don't stab me!"

"Kida-bashi, leave this to me. I'll hold them back, make sure you escape."

Izaya scanned the empty surroundings. Crickets hummed in the distance. Kida blinked.

"Hold who back…?"

"The villagers. They'll be here any time now."

"Why…?"

"I just got back and overheard them talking about a harvest festival. That can only mean be one thing: human sacrifice time!"

"Ah…I don't even know how you came up with that but trust me on this, I'm perfectly safe."

Just as Kida finished uttering these words the tractor's driver lost control of the machine and it came hurling his way. Kida could only stare in horror. Until Izaya pushed him out of way, nearly getting run over him, and landed on top of very scared Kida.

"Kida-slug, are you still alive? Do not die on me, minion of mine!"

Izaya was far too close for comfort and in a most compromising position. Kida was not even sure if his heartbeat had just picked up because of the near miss encounter with certain death or because Izaya was so, so close. The nun headgear had flown off so Kida could perfectly see Izaya's face hovering above his, lips nearly touching Kida's.

Izaya got up and helped Kida to his feet. Kida was extremely reluctant to take the offered hand.

"I'm fine…"

"Good!"

The tractor's driver had crashed in a nearby field and now appeared, apologizing profusely.

"Kida-babelfish, translation."

"He says he's sorry, lost control of the tractor…Orihara-san, are you alright yourself…?"

Kida was more than a bit bashful.

"I am well, miraculously! Oh, I know! Let's sue him and take all of his property. Neh~"

"Eh, he can understand you, you know…"

"The mysteries of the countryside are so deep, Masaomi."

Izaya's smile ever so brilliant and for once oddly innocent smile coupled with the sudden change in denomination caused Kida's heart to flutter anew.

* * *

><p>"So I'm already picking the design for the wedding invitations."<p>

Izaya had just finished filling in Kida on his latest Tokyo adventure.

"So in the end you didn't even find out where Yagiri-san was going."

"Well, no. But it turned out better than I thought! So exceeded my expectations."

"But you haven't spoken to Yagiri-san about the…new and improved wedding plan?"

Kida did not even know how to put it.

"No. Nor will I tell her about it! I am waiting for Namie to ask me to marry her herself!"


	103. Chapter 103

"Ah…right…"

So it was as hopeless as ever. Kida was relieved and immediately hated himself.

"All I can do now is wait! In order to tide us for I got a horror manga at Tokyo. Tada! Barakamon!"

Izaya produced the first volume with a flourish.

"Barakamon isn't horror…it's a slice of life comedy…"

"Are you sure? But it says right here in the description that a Tokyo dweller has to go to this tiny island…how can that not be horror? Spending any amount of time in the countryside turns into horror sooner or later."

"Didn't you notice the cute artwork?"

"That doesn't mean anything. That Lucy was cute plenty and before you know it legs and arms were flying all over the place."

"Good point. At any rate, Barakamon is really great. Some pretty impressive calligraphy skills, sensei is hilarious and you'll love the little girl."

"Kida-mean, you're not saying I'm a lolicon, are you?"

"Er, no! Just saying that Izaya-nii is great with kids and all that…so you'll like a manga with a spunky little girl."

"Go Naru! Oh wow, I'm sold!"

Izaya was already reading away.

"I told you it was great."

In no time Izaya finished the first volume.

"Who knew you could be right, Kida-otaku!"

"I'm an otaku now…?"

"Oh, I know! I shall show my own calligraphy skills!"

"You're good at calligraphy…? That's new."

Kida was not entirely surprised.

"Watch and marvel. Doc, join us in a calligraphy death match!"

"Wait, it's a competition? And why a death match!"

"It makes it so much more fun! We'll have Shiki-san judge the calligraphy later. Blind calligraphy test!"

In no time Izaya got ink, an ink stone, calligraphy brushes, pieces of cloth to place under the pretty paper sheets and a paper weight to keep everything in place. Because Izaya had to be hardcore like that.

"Now watch and learn!"

Izaya prepared some ink, took a deep breath then grabbed a brush, dipped it into the ink and attacked the paper like a crazy person. Kida studied the pretty but extremely irregular and borderline unreadable characters.

"Don't tell me you're actually a master calligrapher…!"

"Sure am! That's [波江], Namie!"

"Ah…won't Shiki-san know right away it's your calligraphy?"

"Oh. You're right, I got too carried away. Doc, your turn! Write something that is important to you! Like…hmm…money?"

The therapist sighed, picked up a brush and decided to pick a most non-controversial word.

"There, [平和], 'heiwa', 'peace'. Something we could all have more of."

Izaya stared at the characters for a long, long time. Kida carefully took cover in a corner.

"Doc, you're doing this on purpose? This 'Heiwa' reminds me of bad things…very bad things with dyed blonde hair, sunglasses, throwing vending machines at me…it's not nice. Not nice. At. All."

The therapist had forgotten all about Heiwajima Shizuo so he did not even get the diatribe. But Izaya's very flat tone and slasher smile was more than enough to let him now he had just committed a grave mistake.

"I'm sorry, Orihara-san!"

Izaya's head tilted at an impossible angle that would lead to broken neck in virtually anyone else. As if the psychotic smile that eclipsed his eyes was not bad enough, Izaya now opened his eyes wide for extra scariness.

"You know, whenever I see 'Heiwa' I just get this feeling that I gotta choke a bitch."

"Eek!"

The therapist stammered in his growing distress. Kida crept to his sheet of paper and quickly wrote something.

"Look, Orihara-san. [人類], 'jinrui', 'humanity'. That's something you like, right?"

Izaya's sudden bout of creepiness was gone as soon as it had arrived. He smiled most warmly as he patted Kida's hair.

"Aw, such sloppy handwriting. It's sort of cute! In a childish and immature kind of way."

"Even as you congratulate me, it's still insulting…!"

"You're like Naru level."

"Naru is six!"

"Makes you fear for the education system, doesn't it. On the other hand, such child-like handwriting is adorable. Izaya-nii approves!"

It was Kida's turn to splutter some.

"Well, people my age don't do calligraphy anyway,"

"Oh? Have you seen Ao-kun's beautiful calligraphy work? I have pictures. And I believe he's younger than you. Still losing at life, Kida-loser!"

"'Ao-kun'..?! Did Aoba just get promoted? Or demoted? Or…?!"


	104. Chapter 104

Kida was annoyed at how annoyed he was.

"Hmm…do you want to be 'Ki-kun'? Somehow, it doesn't sound half as good. 'Ki-chan'? Key lime pie!"

"Fine, have your 'Ao-kun', see if I care."

"Look at Ao-kun's calligraphy, so pretty!"

Izaya produced his phone.

"[邪視], 'jashin'?! Evil eye…? I guess that's in character."

"Woah, so impressed you can read it. And don't go hating on your betters, Kida-jealous."

"Who'd be jealous of Aoba."

"Oh? Could it be you're being all tsundere for Ao-kun? 'Kya, it's not like I like Ao-chin or anything!', that kind of thing?"

"No. No, I'm not. The day I refer to Aoba as 'Ao-chin' you can throw me in the looney bin!"

Izaya giggled evilly.

"My, look at you, Kida-kun. Kouhai envy is such a sad thing. Don't you think so doc? Doc! What is wrong with him?"

Having completely forgotten how the therapist had just been terrified out of his wits by none other than himself, Izaya now seemed rather at a loss to account for the borderline catatonic attitude.

"You've got goldfish memory when it serves you but otherwise you're like Anonymous! Orihara Izaya never forgives, Orihara Izaya never forgets, expect him…!"

"I scooped some goldfish last time, I wonder what they like like…goldfish sashimi…"

"Goldfish are not food…! More importantly, about the therapist! You did quite a number on him now. Hello? Therapist-san? He's practically dead to the world!"

And indeed the therapist did not react to Kida at all.

"It's like you guys are taking turns having major breakdowns. Where does that leave me? Why don't you think about how the emotional suffering this puts me through?"

"Let's put your intense pain aside for a second and focus on the therapist!"

Izaya seemed to be considering this.

"Oh, do you suppose the therapist's name is Kenny? If so, 'They killed Kenny! You bastards!'"

"His name isn't Kenny! This isn't South Park!"

"Do you know what the therapist's name is?"

"Well, no,"

"Then how can you say he's name is not Kenny? You cannot tell for sure. Maybe his name is Kenny after all~"

"What are the odds of that? And his name isn't important here!"

"Oh, I know what we'll do! Clearly, something has scared him greatly so we'll just have find something even scarier to snap him out it."

"Not 'something', you did!"

Izaya strode to the window and opened it with a flourish.

"Oh no! It's the Armored Titan! We're doomed! Strange, no reaction."

"Eh…the doc doesn't get anime references."

"Maybe we've been totally mistaken about doc and he's really a badass Titan slayer! That's why he's so unconcerned even with the Armored Titan within sight."

Kida sighed. There were times when he was clearly the more mature but in the end it never availed to anything because rule of crazy prevailed. Meanwhile Izaya was happily humming Attack on Titan's opening song.

"Orihara-san, please come back to reality."

"'Hashiru dorei ni shouri wo!' The song is about you, Kida-slave! The slave who runs will win so give me twenty laps pronto!"

"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you."

Izaya hopped away and returned shortly with the famous dakimakura.

"Here, doc! Let Kan-makura soothe you."

The therapist glanced at the pillow and immediately scrambled to a corner where he huddled, facing the wall and mumbling,

"Soulless red eyes, soulless red eyes, soulless red eyes, soulless red eyes,"

"You just made it worse, Orihara-san!"

Izaya shrugged.

"Kanra brings joy to the lives of many, how was I supposed to know the doc wouldn't be moved by her giving heart."

"At this rate you'll have a hire a therapist for your therapist!"

"Changing minions half-way is so tedious, though…"

"Do you have any suggestions? That don't include mentally scarring the poor guy even more!"

Izaya approached the therapist who was still repeating the 'soulless red eyes' mantra.

"It must have been Mairu!"

"Why…?!"

"Who else do you know who has 'soulless red eyes'?"

"Eh…do I really have to answer that,"

"Doc, it's okay. I too think that Mairu can be so scary. But I'm here for you! Always. Always here for you."

"Except when you're not,"

"Kida-kun? Let's be productive here."


	105. Chapter 105

They were deadlocked in this odd discussion when Shiki dropped by only to find plenty of dysfunction as was to be expected.

"Shiki-san! Help us here, someone broke the doc's brain. I'll never forgive them! I'll hunt them down to the ends of the world and take vengeance for you!"

Kida shook his head. At least with Shiki here Kida could take a backseat.

"I suppose that finding what caused this in the first place is key to solving the present situation."

"Ah, but Shiki-san, that's one of the great mysteries of the universe. Who can tell?"

"Indeed."

"How about we suitcase him?"

Kida gesticulated.

"We're trying to help the guy not terrify him even further!"

"The people I suitcase are all 'kya, life sucks!' but once they wake up inside the suitcase it changes to 'save me! I don't want to die!' Which is to say, I suitcase them for their sake."

"How exceedingly kind of you."

"Isn't that true, Shiki-san!"

Kida would find it amusing how Shiki managed to troll Izaya for good measure if only the topic at hand did not include putting people inside suitcases.

"Suitcasing people is quite a talent, I believe."

"It is! Let me show you!"

Izaya bounced away only to return shortly with a suitcase and promptly slid inside. Kida gasped.

"Holy..!"

"Quite a flexible body."

From inside the suitcase a very bendy Izaya nodded as much as the awkward position allowed it.

"The trick is having very flexible limbs and in particular articulations."

The therapist was beginning to float back to normality when Izaya emerged from the suitcase like a crawly creature straight from the pit of hell. It was more than the therapist could handle and he passed out on the spot. Which might have been for the best.

"Now you've done it. You've killed him for good this time around! Why, why so creepy, Orihara-san!"

Izaya yawned, by now having surfaced from the suitcase entirely.

"Oh well. We'll figure out what to do tomorrow. Now Iza-chan is going nighty night."

In a typically Izaya sudden shift in behavior, he now went from demon bound to absolutely adorable as he rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"I'll be taking my leave, then."

"Sorry, Shiki-san. I need to keep early hours because so, so tired."

"I understand. See you tomorrow. You too, Kida-kun."

"Oh, sure. Goodnight, Shiki-san."

It worried Kida that Shiki acknowledged his existence. He had made it something of a habit to keep under the radar from the many dangers lurking all around him.

"Ah, there I go to my room…to sleep on my own…so ronery~"

"'Ronery'…"

"Sleeping next to a dakimakura, I'll end up like those good nothing otaku who are found dead under a pile of cup ramen…!"

So much for Namie being about to ask Izaya to marry her.

"If you're that lonely I can keep you company."

Izaya lifted an eyebrow.

"Eh…being comforted by Kida-loser, makes me feel even worse."

"Fine, forget I spoke."

"You won't wet the bed, right?"

"I won't!"

"Let us hope not."

Izaya went into his room with Kida on his wake.

"Are we just going to leave the doc here?"

"Too tired to care~"

And indeed Izaya had already made of show of dragging himself to his futon and now proceeded to undo his kimono and let it pool around his naked body much to Kida's utter horror.

"Wha- what are you doing?!"

"What it looks like, changing into the delicious black kimono I sent from Tokyo."

"Oh. Right,"

"Sleepy Iza-chan is too sleepy, help me get dressed."

"Where's this black kimono…?"

"Under the pillow."

Kida had to crank his neck an awkward and borderline painful way so that he could avoid staring at Izaya's very naked, very smooth and very white back. He dropped the kimono on Izaya's shoulders.

"There,"

Izaya now busied himself fluffing his pillow.

"Extra futon is in the closet."

Kida got it and placed it next to Izaya. By now Kida regretted this plan altogether, acting on a whim when Izaya was concerned never worked out well. He placed the famous dakimakura between the two futons and nearly panicked as Izaya stretched on his comfy futon.


	106. Chapter 106

"On second thought, I don't want to trouble you,"

"Ki-da-kun? You'll sleep here and be thankful."

The fact that Kida only had himself to blame only made it worse. He hid under the covers.

"What will we do if the doc isn't back to normal tomorrow?"

Izaya was already drifting to sleep but he caught Kida's words.

"There's always, that, that…"

"That…?"

"Electroshock therapy. It's good for you~"

* * *

><p>Kida let go of the rope and half-expected a bear trap to spring out nowhere as soon as his feet touched the floor.<p>

"Kida-scout, is the coast clear?"

"The room's empty but still,"

Without further ado Izaya slid down the rope from his position on the ceiling and landed with a flourish.

"Namie's room!"

Izaya did a small happy dance.

"We're so going to get caught…and why did I have to tag along?"

"I'm letting the doc rest today. Not to mention there's no way he would have been able to crawl into the space between the fake ceiling and the rafters."

"You actually have a point there."

"And we won't get caught, my tracking device tells me that Namie is on her way to Tokyo."

Kida allowed himself to breathe a bit more freely.

"Couldn't we go through the door? It's not you can't pick a lock."

Izaya was already looking around, most curious.

"I can pick Fort Knox. But what if Namie put something like a hair right across the latch? She'd know someone had been here and from there to realizing it was me it'd be a very small step."

"She'd do that."

"Namie!futon!"

Izaya dived straight in and proceeded to roll around.

"Yagiri-san will notice the sheets have been messed with!"

"Oh, what if I strip down and wait for Namie to find me? And be all, 'Namie, I've been waiting for you…'"

"Or you could drown yourself in the ocean. It'd be less painful."

"I'd be so happy if I found naked Namie in my futon!"

"Can I go back now?"

Izaya spotted something.

"It's a laptop, a laptop!"

Right away Izaya put on latex gloves and opened the laptop.

"I'm sure it's password protected."

"But of course it is. Cracking the password is part of the fun!"

"Good luck with that."

"Let's see, let's see…'otouto love', 'Seiji rules', 'there's no way my little brother can be this cute'. How strange, it's not working."

"You actually thought it'd work."

Izaya suddenly brightened up, shiny eyes and all.

"Could it be! 'Izaya love', 'I love Izaya', 'Izaya is mai waifu'."

"That last one…!"

After many 'Izaya' themed attempts, Izaya gave up and slumped on the spot.

"Ah, reality is so harsh…"

"Let's go back."

Izaya laced his fingers, arms outstretched and took a deep breath.

"This leaves me no other choice. I'll have to input every single possible password."

"Please tell me you're kidding."

"The great Orihara speaks the truth!"

And with this the great Orihara attacked the keyboard with such speed and Kida could only see a white blur and hear frantic typing."

"Woah, so fast!"

"It's a matter of method. There is a limited number of hypothetical combinations, all I have to do is go through them until I hit the right one."

"That'll take days!"

"For a normal person, maybe. But the great Orihara has mad skills."

"Even decoding programs take ages!"

"Don't compare the great Orihara to such limited things."

"Not sure if impressive or plain bonkers."

"Feel free to admire me all you want."

Kida had spent a mostly sleepless night next to Izaya who slept without as much as stirring. So Kida was very sleepy and at some point of another he must have nodded off because he started violently as Izaya jumped up and down.

"I got it!"

"No way?! For real?!"

Izaya's smile was radiantly arrogant.

"That's right. Persistence and amazing typing skills pay off!"

Kida noticed that it was considerably darker. In fact, just outside the window the sun was setting.

"How much time has passed…?"

"Who cares! Documents, click!"

"What are you even looking for? It's not as if Yagiri-san will have naked pictures of herself in her laptop."

"Don't lump me with your horny adolescent ways. My goal is to understand Namie better, what better way than to look up her documents?"


	107. Chapter 107

"Ah…that's the grownup approach."

"Exactly. Now turn around, this is not for the likes of you."

"I'd rather not know anyway."

"Good. Science stuff, science stuff, more science stuff…I see a theme here. Oh, new nerve gas formula! Sasuga, Namie! Here it is, here it is! 'Orihara Izaya observation log.'!"

It was then that the tracking device began to beep. Loudly. Kida nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Please tell me that doesn't mean what I think it does!"

"Tch. Namie is in the building. I don't suppose you can stall her?"

"How?!"

Izaya produced a USB stick and rapidly introduced it.

"Good thing I brought my 1 TB stick, this folder is huge!"

Kida watched the tiny blue squares on the screen and it occurred to him that blue squares, in general, were simply bad for him.

"How long will that take?!"

"Five minutes, it says. But you can't trust the estimation."

The beeping got louder and faster.

"She's coming this way!"

"Then keep your voice down, Kida-panic."

Izaya turned off the sound in the device without even ungluing his eyes from the screen.

"You're on your own, Orihara-san."

Kida hurried up the rope but could not bring himself to scurry off to relative safety.

"Almost there…I'd sell my sisters for this info, no way I'm backing down now."

"Hurry up!"

"Done!"

Izaya retreated the USB and shut down the laptop in record time. He was about to make his way up when Kida noticed something.

"The futon!"

In a flurry of motion Izaya made the futon in a surprisingly neat fashion and then rushed up the rope just as Namie's silhouette appeared on the door. Kida helped in reeled up the rope and putting the ceiling panel back up. Just then Namie unlocked the door and stepped into the room.

Kida almost expected her to hear the beating of his heart as it felt far too loud. Izaya had already covered Kida's mouth with a hand and motioned him to remain perfectly still with the other. Not that Kida needed any encouragement in that regard, he was already frozen on the spot as it was.

Crawling back the way they had come was out of the question as Namie was bound to hear something. Izaya checked the now silent tracking device that informed him that Namie was still in her room. Inspiration struck Izaya. He sent a text to Shiki asking him to escort Namie to the lounge as he could not do it himself, being too tired.

It felt like a small eternity to Kida but it was exactly five minutes until Shiki knocked on the door and invited Namie on Izaya's behalf. Both Izaya and Kida were extremely relieved that she agreed.

Kida's legs were shaking badly when he finally reached Izaya's room.

"Too close a call!"

"Operation Namie!Room: Perfect Success!"

Izaya lifted up the USB stick and gazed at it lovingly.

"Who on Earth carries 1 TB sticks around!"

"I do! Never leave home without it."

Izaya bounced around some before settling on a wicker chair on the balcony.

"That was too risky."

"This is why you'll never get far in life! Why, youth is all about taking risks and going for it! When I was your age I was already dodging vending machines daily."

Quite an accomplishment, all things considered.

* * *

><p>"Namie, I missed you so much!"<p>

And Izaya meant it, too. They were having dinner along with Kida who would rather avoid the society of the crazy couple at the moment.

"I'm sure. But something came up with Seiji-kun."

"Whatever could it be?"

"Seems like he ran into some religious fanatics who convinced him I had to get married."

How Izaya managed not to choke on his food was beyond Kida.

"Eh? Is that so! How did you find out about this?"

"I had to get down to the bottom of the nonsense and since Seiji-kun was not forthcoming I had to resort to the truth serum."

"The truth serum!"

"Normally I wouldn't use such a thing but I had no other choice. Besides, it is important to find out just who was filling his head with silliness."

Izaya's smile was very wan.

"Right…and did you find out?"

"Unfortunately, no. It is not a completely full proof method and it only provides very vague information."

"Is that so! Well, that's too bad."


	108. Chapter 108

"Torture is much more effective but was out of the question, of course.

Izaya nodded somberly.

"That's right, torturing younger siblings is unacceptable."

Namie chewed on some rice very thoughtfully.

"What I don't understand is what they were angling for. Religious adepts usually want money and converts but these ones seemed completely uninterested in either. And they knew my name and my relationship to Seiji-kun."

A bright idea occurred to Izaya.

"Maybe they were with Dollars, Dollars! You can never tell what that gang is up to, right? And they know about you and Seiji-kun."

"That could be it. But why?"

Izaya shrugged.

"Who can tell? Perhaps they want you to marry, become a housewife and cease to be a threat?"

"Sounds very convoluted."

"That's the way they work! Sneaky Dollars."

"If you know so much about the group then how come you don't something about it?"

Izaya squirmed a bit.

"Well, you see Namie, there's The Plan and they still have a part to play. But rest assured they shall pay for this! How dare they use your adorable little brother like this!"

"Don't push it, Izaya. At any rate, what did you want to tell me that was so important?"

"Oh. I forget~"

"Can't say I'm surprised. Odds are it wasn't that important, then. Which reminds me, what happened to the therapist?"

"He got spirited away!"

Namie turned to Kida for an explanation.

"Orihara-san shocked him into a coma. He's still recovering."

"How can you blame me, Kida-inquisitor!"

"I'm going back to Tokyo tomorrow."

Izaya sniffed and wiped an imaginary tear.

"I shall endure the many dangers of the countryside all by myself with great composure."

"You're not alone, the blonde kid is here. And what 'many dangers' are you talking about? Actually, never mind."

"If the Titans attack it's not as if I can rely on Kida's AT field."

"Eh, Orihara-san…can you at least not mix up franchises like that? Why so many crossovers! And if any Titans actually attack I have a feeling you'll handle them just fine."

Izaya ignored Kida's less than coherent rant altogether and busied himself staring at Namie and having one of those delusion spots that were almost visible.

"Titan!Namie, though…Wall Sina wouldn't stand a chance!"

Namie finished her meal, checked her watch and calmly walked out. Once Izaya's imagination took over he lost track of what his surroundings.

"I know this is all inside your head, thank god, but can you spare me the inner monologue?! I'll need mind bleach, mind bleach…!"

Izaya blinked then looked around.

"Where is Namie!"

"She left already."

"Get me a laptop."

"What, now?"

"Of course."

"Can't be done, I'll get you one tomorrow."

"So many hours of waiting..."

"Life is harsh."

"Oh, I know! Let's go visit the doc!"

Before Kida could protest Izaya had grabbed him by the hand and was dragging him along. Izaya burst upon the doc with Kida on tow.

"Doc! Have no fear, Orihara Izaya is here!"

The therapist smiled wanly.

"Hello, Orihara-san…I must have eaten something bad, seems like I went through a very bad spot."

Izaya bounced.

"It's the water! The countryside does that to people! Doesn't it, Kida-bumpkin?"

"It doesn't,"

"But all is well now! Because I have this!"

Izaya was suddenly very sly, undid the kimono and slid a hand along his very white and smooth thighs. The therapist gasped. Kida tried to look away. Could not. Izaya's finger slid along his thong and produced the famous USB stick from a pocket attached to said thong.

"That's where you were keeping it…?!"

"Tada! Behold doc, behold! All my effort finally paid off!"

Izaya had not bothered to do refasten his obi and was still mostly naked in his elation for his great accomplishment.

"Haven't you heard of pockets?! Actually, are you even listening…?"

Izaya was not. He was now worshipping the USB, holding it up with both hands, eyes shiny with wonder. And then to make it even worse he cast a light kiss on its very, very phallic shape.

The therapist was just confused.

"Kida-kun, what is going on? Kida-kun…?"


	109. Chapter 109

But it was Kida's turn to be too mesmerized to listen. He had no idea how long this lasted but Izaya's ringtone broke the moment. And fortunately the phone was kept in an actual pocket as opposed to custom made thong attachments.

"Oh hi, Mikado-kun! Long time to hear~"

Izaya went from entranced to full aware in the blink of an eye. He put Mikado on loudspeaker. Kida had the distinct impression that his life was about to get even more of a mess.

"Orihara-san, I'm sorry to bother you at this time of night."

"It's alright! Always glad to talk to you."

"I'm calling because I can't seem to find Masaomi. Do you have any idea where he might be? I hope nothing bad happened."

Kida gesticulated for Izaya to wrap up the conversation. But of course, this was Orihara Izaya.

"Kida-kun? He called me yesterday, he had to meet some relatives from the main branch of the family."

"Main branch?"

Mikado's confusion was obvious. Kida did more crazy gesticulation that he knew would not avail him anything. Trust Izaya to have some odd notions about living in the countryside, it crossed Kida's mind that Izaya probably thought that outside of Tokyo everything was stuck in the Edo period.

"Right. He meant to call you but he forgot his phone in Tokyo and seems they have no internet in the middle of nowhere."

"Oh. I see. But how come he called you, then?"

Suspicion crept into Mikado's voice.

"Kida-slav-, -kun, doesn't actually memorize phone numbers but one of my phones just so happens to be only one digit removed from his own. So he knows that by heart. I was meant to contact you but I'm afraid it completely slipped my mind. I apologize, Mikado-bos-, -kun."

Kida was actually impressed at Izaya's power of improvisation. But he could almost see Mikado frown at the botched honorifics.

"You could have given him my phone number, Orihara-san."

"So sorry. But I've been rather sick myself and I entirely forgot. It is so beautiful to see how much you care about your best friend."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Iza-chan is recharging her-his batteries."

At this Kida rummaged through the room for a sheet of paper and proceeded to write furiously.

[No third person! No 'Iza-chan'! Use proper honorifics! And your actual gender!]

"Oh. I also can't seem to find Masako-san."

Kida nearly dropped the sheet of paper. Izaya was having too much fun.

"Hmm...Masako-san, you say. I'm afraid I can't help you there. I'm presently not in Tokyo."

"You can actually leave Tokyo…?"

Kida had had the same reaction.

"Of course I can. Why, I went to Okinawa once. People still tell stories about me there~"

"I bet…"

"I wouldn't worry too much about Masako-san if I were you. I'm sure she's fine. What could have gone wrong? Apart from kidnapping, rape, human trafficking, harvest for body parts, suicide, accidental overdose, traffic accident, ritual human sacrifice,"

"Orihara-san!"

[STOP MAKING IT WORSE!]

Kida nearly threw the sheet of paper at Izaya.

"Just kidding, Mikado-kun."

"That wasn't very funny."

"I repent in dust and ashes."

"Anyway, could you look into it? I'm sure you can investigate even from outside of Tokyo. Where are you exactly?"

"Hinamizawa."

"Hina…mizawa?"

[No fictional places! Mikado will look it up!]

"That's right. It's close to Sotoba."

"Ah…if you find something can you please let me know? And can I have Masaomi's current contact?"

"I'll see what I can find. I'm afraid that's impossible, the main branch is very strict. The Cat Monsters get you if you don't toe the party line."

[Gah!]

"Cat Monsters…well, please give Masaomi my phone number, then. And tell him to call me as soon as possible."

"Will do! Hope all goes well with you, Mikado-kun! Bye bee! Don't be a stranger now."

"Goodbye, Orihara-san. Please keep me updated on Masako-san."

"Trust the great Orihara and good things come your way! Usually. Kirarin!"

And on this cryptic line Izaya finished the call and Kida could finally breathe.

"Can't you be serious for once! What's with all the anime references anyway!"

"There's a prize for whoever gets them all!"


	110. Chapter 110

"I thought you were going to kill Masako! Why haven't you killed her yet!"

"Why so eager to break your pal's heart, Kida-cruel. But it's marvelous how he hasn't made the connection yet. 'Masaomi' and 'Masako' disappear at around the same time and are never seen together, both have bleached hair and look remarkably alike. I guess Mikado's intelligence fizzles out from too many feels."

"Let's keep it that way!"

"You know, you could've come up with a trap!name that sounded a little less like your real one."

"You're the one who came up with 'Masako' in the first place!"

"Is that so? Details. A man of genius always looks at the big picture."

"All heil Orihara Izaya."

"Less snark and more calling Mikado. Here!"

Izaya handed him a phone, being usually stocked with a few.

"Do I have to…?"

"Put it on loudspeak, too! So we can all enjoy! It's like a train wreck, can't look away~"

Kida sighed, took a deep breath, and dialed.

"Mikado! Hello!"

"Masaomi! Where are you?!"

"Something came up and I had to leave town for a while."

"I heard something about a main branch of your family…?"

Izaya busied himself writing frantically and out the paper way too close to Kida's face.

"The main branch summoned all of the family members for a battle royale to choose the successor- I mean, what the!"

Kida had been reading Izaya's instructions, for lack of a better word, without even paying attention when he should have known better.

"A battle royale…?"

In a panic Kida decided to mimic static noises by tapping the phone.

"Mi-ka-do? You-re brea-king up- bad rece-ption- be back soon, bye-"

And with this Kida ended the call and immediately turned off the phone. Izaya who had prompted himself in a chair now bounced merrily.

"You crack me up! Let the battle begin!"

"You live for this, don't you. Trolling is like breathing to you! Gotta troll them all!"

"Ah, can't believe I have to wait until tomorrow to delve into Namie's thoughts about me! What am I supposed to entertain myself with until then…"

Izaya looked around and naturally came to stare at Kida until it made him rather uncomfortable. Kida squirmed a bit.

"What? What are you looking at…?"

"Kida-Rin!"

"Kida what,"

"That's it! Go swim! A lot. Then angst. Even more!"

"You just lost me entirely."

"And then we'll dye your hair magenta and sharpen your teeth~. Don't worry, I've got a nail file."

"Why…?"

"Because I like to keep my nails beautiful, why else?"

"I mean what's up with this crazy scenario of yours…?"

"It's a bonus round for the people at home!"

"What people?!"

"As you know I like to live my life as if I was in a work of fiction being read/watched by many. Incidentally, Mikado is Mika-Haru!"

"Just put the nail file away,"

"Estranged best friends that haven't seen each other in years because one of them moved, check; contrasting personalities, check; the homolust is through the roof, check; incoming angst, check; oh the misunderstandings, they burn!, check!"

"Estranged…? We're not estranged!"

Izaya's eyes had that scary glow of theirs.

"Give it some time, Kida-Rin. What are you doing standing there, go train. And then relay!"

"Wait, I have to go swim now?!"

"That's right."

"The pool is closed at this time of night! Why am I even having this conversation again?!"

"The sea never closes, Kida-Rin. It never. Closes."

"No way!"

"By the way, my favorite is Nagisa. Nagi-chan~."

"I'm not swimming in the ocean in the middle of the night!"

"Tch, you sure are selfish, aren't you. Fine, sneak into the pool, then. It's not half as dramatic but it'll have to do."

"I'm not doing that either!"

"Hmm…I wonder if I can work Aocchi into this for extra fun!"

"Oh great. Just what I needed, Aoba."

"Can he be Sousuke…somehow, I don't think it works. Maybe Rei? That might do the trick! Ao-Rei clings to Mika-Haru, love triangle right there with Kida-Rin! And that's when the Titans attack!"

"You're just being completely random now, aren't you."

"Water Titans! And on the subject of Ao-chwan, look at my Ao-doll!"

And to Kida's horror produced a tiny Aoba doll. The therapist spoke up for the first time in a while.

"It's a bit frayed, isn't it?"

"That's right. Mostly I pet Ao-doll but at times I poke it with a needle…repeatedly. Right through the eyes~"


	111. Chapter 111

And of course Izaya's smile was all too wide and happy.

"Ao-chwan is royally screwed, isn't he."

"Precious kouhai!"

"Considering I'm your kouhai as well, I'd say that won't do Aoba any good!"

"Oh, you're right! I forget but you're technically my kouhai as well."

"Oh god, does this mean there's a Kida-doll somewhere…?!"

Izaya bounced.

"Of course there is!"

"Do you poke it with needles?!"

"Don't be silly, of course not. It's in pristine condition, never removed from the original package."

"Original package! Is this a collector's item now?!"

"Exactly. One day I'll sell it to Mikado for an absurd amount of money."

"Like he'd want that!"

But Kida himself was not entirely sure.

"How little you know your best friend, Kida-kun."

"Don't call me that- no wait. You got the honorific right!"

"I always get honorifics right. So many hours to wait!"

"Can't you just borrow one of the computers they have available?"

"That wouldn't work, now would it. This is precious information, precious. No way will I use some public computer to access it. That's just wrong."

"Ah…"

Izaya's moral sense never failed to baffle Kida. Namely, that Izaya even had such a thing was strange to begin with.

"Off you go now, go train in the ocean and grab me a tuna while you're at it."

"That's impossible…"

"Swim to Korea and see if you can get some of that amazing ginseng."

"That's even more impossible…!"

"You're not giving me much to work with here. Just so you know."

"So sorry…"

"The anticipation is killing me! So let's all hit the pool! With that said, I'll just hang out and criticize you."

"Business as usual, then…there's no need for a pool for that!"

"I guess. But it's just not the same! Pool time it is!"

Kida hoped that access to the pool would prove either impossible or too much of a bother for Izaya but unfortunately it was not even locked. Izaya also scrambled for bathing shorts so before Kida could protest he found himself about to enter the water while Izaya lorded over from a recliner alongside a still very puzzled therapist.

"What now?"

"You swim, what else. Why must you make me repeat myself?"

Kida sighed, there was getting out of it. And at least he was not being forced out at sea to forage for tuna with his bare hands. It turned out the water was not that cold and in no time Kida was enjoying himself.

"Hey, this is fun!"

"'Fun'? What is this 'fun' you speak of? And you call that swimming?"

"It's best I can do,"

"That won't do, now will it? How do you expect to become an Olympic swimmer flapping about awkwardly like that?"

"Who wants to be an Olympic swimmer!"

"Your style is butterfly, by the way."

"Ah…isn't that really hard? Why don't you show me how it's supposed to be done."

Kida expected the usual dismissive attitude. But Izaya, being Izaya, could always surprise him. He did so now by stripping down to a speedo, testing the water with a toe and then proceeding to swim flawlessly in highly technically butterfly style.

"Like that. Now help me out, I'm tired."

Kida gasped some.

"Holy, you're the one with serious swimming skills! Where did you learn how to swim that fast?"

"Imagine what would happen if Shizu-chan cornered me on Tokyo Bay, I'd have to swim to safety, wouldn't I? With that in mind I did some swimming."

Kida helped Izaya out of the pool and tried not to stare too much. Water streaming down Izaya's body highlighted his elegant figure and reminded Kida that beneath the lithe frame was a huge network of well-toned muscle.

"That's a good skill to have when dodging Heiwajima-san."

"Towel now. And isn't it?"

It was up to Kida to wrap up Izaya in a fluffy towel.

"I think you just broke a record or something."

Izaya shrugged as if such earthly concerns were so beneath him and propped himself back on the reclining chair again.

"So tired…no energy…Iza-chan can't move. Ah, forget swimming. We'll go with karuta instead."

"Karuta?"

"You can start out by memorizing the Hundred Poets."

"Let me guess, you could probably become a great karuta player yourself with minimal effort!"

"Probably. What's the fun in that, though?"

There were many times when Izaya's idea of fun did not relay on personal achievement as much as on contributing to Kida's misfortune.


	112. Chapter 112

"Not much fun?"

"Does this make Mikado Arata…we'll have to work on the accent but this could work. There, I've decided! Let's karuta!"

"Why so utterly random,"

"It makes perfect sense. I could explain it to you but if I did you'd implode. It'd break the space-time continuum."

"Ah…"

Fortunately for Kida, Izaya's new crazy plan came to a crashing halt. All the swimming and acting out had tired Izaya greatly, so much so that he nearly passed out as soon as he reached the room. It was up to Kida to roll him all the way to the futon and tuck him under the sheets.

* * *

><p>Come lunchtime Izaya was still sound asleep. This left Kida and the therapist all by themselves. It was precisely the opportunity Kida been waiting for. After much hesitation he decided to just take the plunge.<p>

"Kenny-sensei!"

"Who…?"

"I mean, doc. I need your help!"

"You do…?"

Kida nodded and looked around as if afraid Izaya would creep from some corner. Which all things considered was not entirely farfetched.

"It's about Orihara-san! You know how he is. So evil, cruel, sadistic, and simply put a horrible person. There are reasons why I have to work for him and it only makes it so much worse! But that's not the problem here!"

"It's not?"

"No! You see, even though I know full well how awful Orihara-san is and how he ruined my life, as of late I found myself thinking 'ah, Izaya is cute'. Gah! Something must be so wrong with me!"

"Cute…"

"And then I end up feeling sorry for him…it always comes and bites me in the ass but I can't seem to learn! So you must help me! Somehow! Please, Kenny-sensei!"

In his distress Kida defaulted to Izaya's oddball nickname for the therapist. And without meaning to do it Kida was shaking the therapist when Izaya burst into the room as he was wont to do.

"Laptop! Where! Kida!"

"Eek!"

"Laptop! And will you stop molesting doc, do respect your elders."

"The laptop is here,"

Izaya fell upon it immediately.

"Finally, all my hopes and aspirations are about to come true."

"How, exactly?"

"Go angst somewhere else, this is private Namie information. The doc doesn't count since he's a professional."

Kida was annoyed at being dismissed like this but all things considered it was for the best. The least he knew the better.

"Orihara-san, I should tell you that prying into Yagiri-san's information like this is completely wrong. Odds are you'll ignore me altogether."

And Izaya did just that. His hand shook a bit as he inserted the USB.

"Doc, suddenly, so nervous! What has Namie written about me! Do you suppose it'll be super mellow and sweet? 'Izaya is adorable down deep'? Kya, I could never handle it!"

"Somehow, I don't think you need to worry about that."

The therapist expected Izaya to be in for a grand disappointment.

"Here goes nothing! Clickity clik!"

Just then Namie walked into the room. Right away Izaya slammed the laptop shut with a bang.

"Namie! So glad to see you, as ever!"

"Are you trying to break that? Let me guess, porn as 'image training'?"

"Precisely!"

For once Izaya was glad to be misrepresented as a sex maniac.

"I cannot seem to find the pair that ambushed Seiji-kun. I've contacted all churches in Tokyo and they've never heard about them."

"Odds are you'll never hear about them again."

Namie's eyes narrowed.

"Do you know something about this?"

"Nothing whatsoever. It's just gut feeling, gut feeling. I always trust it!"

"How unscientific."

"We all have our methods, this one never fails me."

"Where's the Blonde Kid?"

"Traveling the world in order to gather all the magical Dragon Balls in order to bring about a miracle!"

Namie noticed the USB.

"One TB? just how much porn did you stack it with? Never mind, I do not want to know."

"Storage is love, Namie! So the more the better."

"Looks like he's alive after all."

Namie meant the therapist and went as far as gesturing in his general direction.

"The therapist is like Kenny!"

Namie seemed to be considering something.

"Is this what they call 'a circle jerk'? In which several guys watch porn together?"

"It's not, Yagiri-san!"

"Eh…Namie, you're so misunderstanding things!"

Namie zeroed in on Izaya now.

"You look absolutely horrible. Have you been resting at all?"


	113. Chapter 113

"Of course! Last night I ended up going for a bit of a swim,"

"You go swimming when I order you to stay put and rest?"

Izaya squirmed a bit.

"Well you see, I had a crossover thing going…"

It occurred to Izaya that he could just shift the blame on Kida, a not quite fail proof tactic but quite useful nonetheless. He never got around to it, though.

"That USB stick, does it contain any important information?"

Terrified that Namie would decide to check it, Izaya decided to deny it.

"Oh, not at all. Just- OH MY ME!"

Namie had just removed the stick and thrown it off the window. It twinkled in the air briefly before sinking into the ocean.

"There are consequences to one's actions. You can't expect to enjoy your porn when you disobey me. I hope you've learned your lesson."

Izaya shook, mouth agape.

"My joy in life! Is forever lost!"

"That's overreacting even by your standards."

"Say it ain't so! Say…it…ain't…so!"

Izaya made a remarkably dramatic gesture by crawling, arms extended toward the window.

"You really are too attached to porn."

Izaya sobbed.

"The world just became a darker place!"

"Are you crying? Could it be you've become even weirder?"

"Might as well turn into tang! Tang!"

The therapist marveled at the surreal spectacle. Namie hesitated slightly then patted Izaya's head.

"Calm down, will you."

Izaya immediately took the opportunity for cuddling.

"Iza-chan is sad, Iza-chan needs to be comforted~"

Iza-chan got hauled to a futon, Namie's foot firmly planted on his back.

"When I tell you to rest, you rest. Is that understood, Izaya?"

"Roger…!"

"That's the whole point of spending time in the countryside in the first place."

"Namie…step harder, please!"

The therapist face-palmed, another incredible Namizaya moment.

"Your masochism is showing."

"No more orange goo…"

Namie's foot left Izaya's back.

"You will stick to the curfew or next time you'll be the to get tossed in the ocean."

"Iza-chan is so sorry…oh, do you know what helps me relax? Naked cuddling!"

"I'm not sure if you're persistent, stubborn or simply too insane."

"I second the insanity thesis."

The therapist spoke under his breath.

"Like the doc says, spending time together is a plus. Being naked is also a plus. Therefore, getting naked together is a win/win situation!"

"At times I wonder if you cannot help being obnoxious or whether it is deliberate. What do you think?"

The therapist suspected it was a bit of both.

"Orihara-san is a very peculiar person."

"He's peculiar alright."

Izaya chimed him brightly,

"I like to think of it as 'unique'. Only one Iza-chan in the whole world!"

"For which the world is very thankful."

"Namie, did I hear you say you want to make tiny Iza-chans? Let's get started!"

By now Namie was very, very tired of this talk.

"Actually, on that subject. I'm pregnant."

Izaya was on his feet immediately. The therapist nearly fell over. In the adjacent room, Kida actually did fall, having been eavesdropping with a glass placed against the wall.

"Really…? How…wonderful!"

Izaya was at least two shades paler than usual.

"Indeed."

"Eh…I guess my amazing swimmers are really that great, what with all the birth control and all that!"

"It is not outside the scope of possibility."

Izaya tried to smile. It was a very yellow smile.

"Yay…"

"I just made that up. I hope you'll remember your panicky reaction and never, ever bother me with this 'babies iz cutez' business."

Izaya gasped loudly. Kida gathered himself with some difficulty.

"You made it up…?"

"That is right. I lied to you to make a point."

The therapist expected Izaya to be angry. But no. Instead Izaya beamed and grabbed Namie's hands.

"Trolling an informant with fake information, like a boss! That's why I love you, Namie! Such nerve and intelligence. I'm touched! My heart is pounding and all! There, can you feel it?"

Izaya brought Namie's hands to his chest. It was almost romantic if not for the context.

"I hope you will keep this in mind and never ever forget how you just 'got owned' as you'd put it."

"Aye!"

Without dropped to his hands and knees without a warning and proceeded to bow to Namie a few times.

"What are you doing now?"

"Worshipping Namie-gami! Banzai!"


	114. Chapter 114

"You can cut that out right now. I'm sure you've heard that imitation is a form of flattery, it is something you should try."

"You mean I should grow my hair extra-long, wear short skirts and a lab coat while I force everyone to serve my will? Because I'm all for!"

"You mean you should adopt a rational attitude like I do."

"But Namie, love isn't rational! Incidentally, I should so have a Namie shrine built at home! And place panty offerings every day!"

"I won't even bother asking why."

"Oh, Inari!Namie would have a fluffy fox tail or maybe a couple of them…how about a virgin sacrifice at Namie-altar!"

Izaya was back on his feet and looking at Kida who turned around in the vague hope there might be someone standing just behind him.

"Eh, Orihara-san…? This sacrifice story,"

"Blood thirsty Inari!Namie goddess, I like it…the potential is unlimited!"

"Inari isn't an evil deity! You should know this!"

"Down deep all gods are Lovecraftian, Inari!Namie is no exception! Are there tentacles involved in this? I'm not sure my heart is ready for that but on the other hand!"

Namie gestured toward the therapist.

"Has he been drinking?"

"Not that I know of,"

Izaya captured Namie's hands again.

"I am drunk on love! No head chop, please~"

Namie did seem about to head chop him even though her hands were still in Izaya's.

"First of all, let go of me."

"I listen and obey!"

And Izaya let go although he would rather cling to Namie.

"Second, you will put an end to your idiotic behavior."

"A man of genius,"

"Orihara."

Namie's eyes flashed brightly.

"A man of genius knows when to back down."

"Good."

And thus another crisis was averted. Barely.

* * *

><p>"Listen men! A billion yen to whoever finds my lost USB! You heard that right, that's a billion. Billion, not million, billion! So give it your all!"<p>

Izaya had just gathered a small crowd to go diving in search of the fabled USB stick. So he now stood on the sand in his speedo and commanded them with flamboyant gestures.

"How is anyone supposed to find it! Not to mention, won't it be ruined by the salt water?"

"Kida-kun, positive thinking is crucial to success. I believe they shall find it! And that it may still be operational! Orihara Izaya does not give up!"

Which was true up to a certain point. Orihara Izaya gave up whenever Namie schooled him on who was actually boss. But Kida knew that pointing out such things would only make things worse.

"Ah…good luck, then."

Izaya flopped on a reclining chair and rolled on his stomach.

"Can't reach the straw…Kida-straw, help me here."

Izaya made a very lame effort at reaching the straw of a glittery drink and of course Kida had to put it to Izaya's lips. Meanwhile the divers were busying themselves out at sea.

"What's with the swimsuit?"

"Working on a tan here. Tan!zaya is super hot!"

"I had to ask, didn't I. And where did you find so many divers?"

"JSDF personnel."

"How did you manage to rope them into this project?"

"They owe me some favors. As does virtually everyone with any power. Including what's-his-name prime minister."

"Woah, you're the kind who can topple the government but can't be bothered remembering the prime minister's name."

"I forget~. Not very important either."

"Oh dearie."

Izaya turned to the therapist who had his own reclining chair.

"Doc, did you see how Namie totally put the fear of God in me last night? It was so brilliant…I was touched!"

"Orihara-san, shouldn't you be a bit angry?"

"You know how it goes, once you meet your match you cannot help but admire them! If this were a sports anime I'd be all 'You won this time but next time I'll win!' Except I probably wouldn't. Losing can be fun~"

Kida muttered under his breath,

"Give basketball a go, Akazaya. Akashizaya? It'd be sexy scary."

Izaya's tendency of allowing 2D to bleed into reality was rubbing in on Kida.

"But you do see the danger in such an attitude?"

Izaya nodded.

"Of course. The real danger is that truth serum! If Namie truth serums her dear brother then she might very well do the same to me. And then she'll find out things!"


	115. Chapter 115

The doctor was pretty sure that there were many 'things' he had yet to hear about that if found by Namie would result in a world of pain for Izaya.

"That is most definitely to be avoided, yes."

"There's only one solution! I must become immune to the truth serum by consuming minor doses of it over time!"

"That's the only solution?!"

Izya blinked.

"Do you have a better idea, doc? That's how I acquired immunity to most common poisons."

"For real…?"

Kida nodded.

"For real, I can attest to that."

The therapist gasped.

"Is that even possible?"

"It is, I tried with Kida-test first."

Kida's jaw nearly came undone.

"You- you what?!"

"That should be, 'You- you what, Orihara-san'. Respect is one of those things you need be reminded of."

"Are you saying you poisoned me- Orihara-san,"

Izaya nodded.

"Well, technically."

"Technically!"

"How else was I to know that one could indeed gain immunity to poison by ingesting small doses over a long period of time?"

"So I'm your guinea pig now!"

"And this is news how?"

"Couldn't you poison Aoba instead! Gah, let me guess. 'Precious kouhai'~"

"Why are you so upset? I used non-lethal doses as can be seen by the fact that you're alive. Also, in the long run it works to your advantage."

"You poisoned me for my own good now?! Orihara-san,"

"That's right. It's virtually impossible to poison you now. No need to thank me."

"Who would poison me anyway?! Wait, how did you even do this…?!"

"I have my ways. Besides, the day I poison Ao-chin it'd be with a massive dose that is sure to kill him. His gaining immunity to poison works against me."

"Ah…I don't even!"

"That's why doc, I've got to find the formula for that truth serum."

Kida gesticulated then gave up.

"You're just going to ignore me, aren't you."

"Ignoring you? Not at all! Just who do you think will be testing that truth serum for me?"

"Eek!"

"Orihara-san, you can't do that?"

"Hmm…doc, are you volunteering then?"

"No!"

Izaya shrugged.

"Just what am I supposed to do, then? So uncooperative. I'm quite sure it won't kill you."

Kida pointed, his finger wavering in the air.

"He's quite sure! Quite sure it won't kill us!"

"If you can stop being so emotional for a second and use your reason you will see how right I am, as always. If it were dangerous Namie would never have used it on otouto-kun. That much is obvious."

"Still! Yagiri-san herself said she had to be very careful in using it because there are dangers involved."

"Such is life. Danger is all around! Why, I dodge Shizu-chan's vending machines on a daily basis so I am no stranger to facing danger."

"Then don't make others face the danger for you, Orihara-evil!"

"You know, had you been willing to crack up the old truth serum with your underlings things would have gone so much better for you."

"Awful advice…is awful…but…has a point!"

"Don't lecture me on how to handle my minions when you royally screwed on keeping yours in check."

"That feeling of never being able to move on because of things!"

"To be fair that is your trademark. But look at all the time we've wasted discussing irrelevant things, back to me now."

Kida sobbed despite himself. The therapist had to intervene.

"Orihara-san, calling Kida-kun irrelevant is too harsh."

"It's tough love, doc. Now, ideas on how to get my hands on the truth serum formula."

"How about you behave in such a way as to make Yagiri-san unlikely to use the truth serum?"

"That sounds almost like Kant's Categorical Imperative. It is bound not to be very practical."

"But it's worth trying."

Izaya seemed to consider it for a while then reached a conclusion and smiled brightly.

"Tell you what, I'll do as you say. Since you are my therapist and I am supposed to take your input into account. But if it backfires on me I shall hold you responsible. Neh?"

Neh indeed.

* * *

><p>"Woah, I can't believe they found it!"<p>

"I told you, Kida-Thomas but you're one of little faith."

The fabled USB stick had been recovered from its watery grave and Izaya had just charged the therapist to deliver it in hand to a courier that was to send it overseas to see if there was any hope of recovering any of the data therein.

Izaya was basking in the open air bath, Kida alongside him.


	116. Chapter 116

"This is nice…"

Kida spoke more to make conversation than anything more. This was more than a bit awkward for him.

"Don't go splashing around swimming crazily, save that for the pool. Ah, when will Namie arrive!"

"Is Yagiri-san supposed to be arriving any time soon…?"

It was complete news to Kida.

"Well, no. Which is precisely why I am so eagerly awaiting!"

"Eagerly awaiting Yagiri-san…in the men's bath…"

"Precisely. You know how Namie pops up when you least expect it! I'm hoping for that now as well! Oh, someone is coming this way!"

Kida was half-convinced already and would not even be surprised if Namie did burst upon the scene. Instead, a gas mask appeared.

"Orihara-kun! How wonderful to find you here! I find that the air agrees more with me here in the countryside, I can even lower the filter of my mask."

Izaya wrinkled a nose and looked absolutely disgusted. Kida watched as the man attached to the mask parked himself in front of a shower.

"Urg, Shingen. Why can't they ban fat people from baths."

"How rude, Orihara-kun! How about showing some support to your elders and wash my back?"

"So funny…not!"

Having finished his shower Shingen invaded the bath with great aplomb.

"Is he going to bathe with the mask on…?"

"Just ignore the creepy old man, Kida-naked."

"I just came across a wonderful presentation by Namie-kun. What an intelligent woman, if only she would take an interest in Shinra I would gladly accept her as my daughter-in-"

Shingen never got around to finishing because Izaya promptly pushed him underwater and held him there.

"'Namie-kun'? Why so familiar with my woman? And for your information, your son is nothing but vermin to Namie, vermin."

"Woah, old man is totally getting drowned."

Kida was too jaded to even care. Shingen struggled but could not escape from Izaya's grip. Kida knew very well that Izaya's lithe built was very deceptive and that he was much stronger than he seemed.

"A shame that mask of yours can't absorb the oxygen in the water."

"Won't it be kinda bad for you if he kicks the bucket here?"

"Hmm…I suppose."

At length Izaya let go of Shingen who proceeded to splutter much without actually removing the mask.

"Orihara-kun, such violence is uncalled for!"

Izaya was still scowling .

"Tch, what are you even doing here."

Normally Izaya handled Shingen fairly well but running him just when he was expecting Namie made him more than a bit cross.

"I heard about this place from Shinra and decided to pay a visit."

"That Shinra, what a sore loser."

"Orihara-kun, you must not underestimate the power of pure air! Is that boy your son?"

Only now had Shingen spotted Kida.

"He's not! Do I look old enough to have a son his age?!"

Shingen shrugged.

"I can't really tell people's age, young folk all look the same to me."

Kida reminded himself not to laugh as Izaya was clearly not in the mood for mockery.

"Ah, whatever. So much for my wonderful bath, you just ruined it entirely."

Shingen ignored Izaya altogether and zeroed in on Kida.

"Young man, dying your hair is the first step toward delinquency!"

"Let's throw him off a cliff or something, Kida-killer."

* * *

><p>While Izaya, Kida and Shingen were engaged in this lively discussion, for lack of a better term, the therapist had successfully delivered the fabled USB stick to the courier and now found himself with some free time on his hands. Before he could decide what to do with it he received a phone call from a lovely sounding girl who told him she was a friend of Kida's and expressed the desire to see the therapist.<p>

Since Kida struck him as essentially a poor hapless victim of Izaya's oddball ways, the therapist saw no need to refuse. He was also very glad that apparently Kida had normal friends as all he heard about this Mikado person made him suspect he was another crazy person.

He was summoned to a hospital room and welcomed with a warm smile by the girl occupying the only bed.

"I am so glad you could make it. Do take a seat."

"Oh. Thank you. I hope you'll be discharged soon."

She smiled enigmatically enough.

"That depends on many things. So you're Izaya-san's therapist! I've been wanting to meet you for such a long time. But where are my manners, I'm Mikajima Saki. Izaya-san's minion grade 600 thousand."


	117. Chapter 117

The therapist suddenly remembered the craziness about the grades

"Saki-san, do you know Orihara-san, then…?"

By now the therapist was beginning to feel a bit apprehensive.

"I have the honor of serving my lord and savior, Orihara Izaya-sama."

"Lord and savior, you say!"

If Saki even registered the therapist dismay she showed no sign of it.

"The reason why I called you here is because I keep hearing about this marriage between Izaya-sama and that woman. This must not happen."

Apparently, once Izaya's divinity was announced as matter of fact Saki saw fit to promote him to '-sama'.

"You don't even have to worry about that…"

Saki's eyes glowed briefly.

"But I insist on your making sure it does not happen. Ideally that woman would be disposed of but it would make Izaya-sama sad. One of my goals in life is to protect Izaya-sama's smile."

In any other context such a naïve expression of protective affection would be endearing.

"May I ask what the other goals are?"

"To turn Izaya-sama into the God of this world as he deserves to be."

"Forget I asked…."

Saki smiled sweetly. Unfortunately it seemed all too creepy.

"You too will worship Izaya-sama in due time."

"Ah…"

Saki's hands suddenly gripped the bed covers until the knuckles grew white.

"That woman simply cannot appreciate the wonder that is Izaya-sama. His heart is so magnanimous that he has devoted himself entirely to her and still she spits on his undying love. It makes Izaya-sama suffer, his pain is great and no one other than I can understand how deep it runs."

The therapist opened and closed his mouth a few times before regaining his bearings. So far he had never met anyone who took Izaya's almost ever present 'great pain' in any way seriously other than Izaya himself, this was a first.

"Orihara-san's heart is…magnamimous…?! He's been poisoning Kida-kun for ages now!"

It occurred to the therapist that this girl must be deluded about Izaya and think him to be a nice person. Somehow. Saki merely nodded.

"Izaya-sama is so kind that he was willing to make Masaomi immune to poison. Unfortunately Masaomi is terribly ungrateful and has yet to accept the wonder and might of Izaya-sama."

"Oh my god, it's the 'I poisoned you for your own good' argument! But weren't you Kida-kun's friend?! Girlfriend, even?"

Another nod.

"That is right. Izaya-sama told me to become Masaomi's girlfriend."

"Poor, poor Kida-kun."

"And when I think of all the sacrifices Izaya-sama has done for Masaomi, it saddens me to see such good will go to waste."

"Like what…?"

Despite himself the therapist was curious.

"The police asked Izaya-sama if he knew who the leader of the Yellow Scarves and he had to feign ignored in order to protect Masaomi."

"That's a sacrifice?!"

"It is. That Izaya-sama should have to lose an opportunity for showing off his great knowledge."

This was obviously too awful to contemplate so Saki dabbed her eyes with a hanky. The therapist decided to take a risk.

"Saki-san…could it be that you have a, er, crush on Orihara-san?"

She blinked a few times as if the notion was absolutely novel and had never occurred to her.

"I am a true acolyte of the great Izaya-sama, 'crush' can hardly describe my devotion. That I love Izaya-sama can hardly be disputed but do not lump my love with the likes of that woman. My love is pure and asks nothing in return. Besides, Izaya-sama should not be a romantic relationship of any kind."

"Ah…because Orihara-san is godly…?"

"Precisely. Such an exalted existence is to reign forever, above mere humanity and his orders are absolute."

The therapist thought a love triangle would be exceedingly dysfunctional but as it turned out, warped fanaticism was worse.

"You can rest assured that Orihara-san is not even remotely to get married. There's no way Yagiri-san would go for it."

This was very close to infringing on doctor patient confidentiality but the therapist suspected that assuaging Saki's worry was more important. For all he knew she might have decided to emulate her god and whip out a switchblade.

"But that's hardly proper. Just who does that woman think she is to reject Izaya-sama like that?"


End file.
